bikini

this was me almost exactly a year ago. now i know, i know...i was housing a human being and stuff. however, i was huge. i remember feeling a lot of things at this time (other than massive). i felt scared, hopeful, nervous...it was also like 90 degrees this day, so i also felt like i wanted to chop off my husband's nuts and feed them to the dog. anyway, being pregnant and having children is not something that you can explain to someone that hasn't gone through it. that's why i never read any of the pregnancy books, nor took any of the birthing classes. everyone's experience is different...and i knew i would be sent into a tailspin if i typed any of my symptoms into a google search. (ie/ backpain = your child is going to be born with a third nipple.) never self diagnose with google...she makes stuff up. (absurd.) anyways, mostly just the uncertainty of it all was very unnerving...i mean, i was about to fire a person out of my lady parts. pretty sure that would scare almost anyone.

so remember i set this goal a few months ago that i was going to wear a bikini? yeah. june is here. now for the love of all things holy...i know my body is not perfect. (not even close.) however, i'm completely comfortable in my own skin and feel really good these days. since january, i have lost at least 20 lbs, who knows how many inches, and 2 pants sizes...and about a cup size off of my rack. (i think if you get thinner your boobs should get BIGGER, not smaller...maybe that's just me.) out of the whole shebang, i think finding the time to work out and not feeling guilty about it was the hardest part. i only got to the gym 2 days a week, and usually went running outside on the weekends. moreover, being more aware of the junk i put into my chops was not very hard to do. actually, as soon as i made a shift with that...i had a hard time eating the junk at all. it now makes me feel awful when i eat garbage. butch got "a box full of deep fried love" (that's really what it's called) from sheetz the other day and i was sitting in the passenger seat of the car ready to lose my shit. so disgusting. he was in his glory while eating this...like moaning and shit. (dear lord.)

that being said...i have no idea what the hell i was thinking when i had the notion that i could do a 'juice cleanse' for 3 days. are you FREAKING kidding me?! had to be one of the most assinine and idiotic things that i have ever done. do you want to know how long i lasted? one meal. (stop laughing.) ONE. i had breakfast (aka juice), skipped the coffee...and by lunch time, i was ready to eat one of the five year olds in my class. not only was i hungry, i felt absolutely terrible. like a walking asshole. (the actual hole of the ass.) luckily, i had some almonds stashed in my desk and i stole a string cheese from a kid while i was on lunch duty. (don't judge me.) i also had the juice i made for "lunch"...and i dumped it down the goddamn drain. i was angry. i had one of my coworkers laughing her ass off, because of the anger. (i was irate.) i was angry that i couldn't do it. angry that i didn't feel good. angry that i didn't bring a real lunch. just angry.

seriously....who was i kidding? i love food. (who doesn't?) and even though i don't eat a lot of junk anymore...i still EAT. (and enjoy it.) i believe that you should EAT your food...not DRINK it. (angry, again.) juicing is nonsense. i don't know how people do it for an extended period of time and then stay sane. i lasted a whole half a day and was ready to slash the tires of my own car. ready to punch myself in my own face. ready to stab myself with my own scissors. it was not good. i got home from work that day and butch said, "so how did the whole juice thing go?" i. went. off. (he was laughing.) he said, "i told you trish! i told you! just look at that stuff..it looks like it came out of you, not like you should be putting it in you!" (ew.) epic fail. i had scallops wrapped in bacon that night for dinner...and they were delicious. it was back to eggs and bacon the next morning, also. (bacon > carrot juice)

today i will be heading out to lovely, pennsyltucky (that's the real name of the town) to visit my college roommate. (it's backwoods to the max.) i haven't seen her in two in a half years and in that time we have both had a child. she's the kind of friend that i don't talk to for long periods of time...but we always pick right back up where we left off. she also can make me laugh until my insides hurt...that's just an awesome quality for anyone to have. we got into some serious shenanigans back in the day and we have often said that if our own girls act like we did...we will kill them. (it's prolly gonna happen.) apparently we are going to the local VFW for dinner and then to a biker (as in motorcycle) benefit to see a band. i'm not sure whether to wear cammo or leather. (i'll do both.) captain coupon will be manning the ship until i get back. god knows what will go on in this house in the 48 hours i am gone...as long as the kids are fed and happy, i'm happy. (he really is a good dad.)

and so at the end of month five, i learned a coupla things about myself. first of all, i'm stronger than i thought i was. i can run farther than i thought i ever could. my own dog will call me out on gastrointestinal problems. i will not be drinking juice for meals again anytime soon. making time for myself was a struggle. and lastly, i accomplished a goal that i set out to accomplish. i felt like a total goof ass standing out in my backyard in a bikini this morning, but i said i would share...and i rarely say things that i don't mean. i will now be changing out of my bikini and putting on something more appropriate for small town usa. perhaps a camouflage shirt and assless chaps...i hope to fit right in.

mission accomplished.