run

so i don't really let my husband plan many events or trips...mainly only because he just doesn't read the fine print. for example, he got these restaurant.com coupons off of the internet a while ago and he had to choose a restaurant in the area in which to use them. he picked one of our favorites and then another one that was what i like to call a "wild card." i must say i greatly dislike wild cards when it comes to restaurants, cause if we get a sitter and it's a bust...the night feels like a waste. you better believe if we aren't entertaining our offspring for the evening, i want a good meal sans high chairs in a cool place. i tend to stick with the tried and true picks when it comes to these occasions, cause i know what to expect from these places. however, he picked a mexican joint off of a list called "the agave grill" (sounded decent) in our area and about a month ago we got a sitter (my cousin)...and headed out into the sunset. as we approached the place, the first thing i noticed was it was really, really friggen BRIGHT inside. like i'm talking florescent lights to rival my classroom. we walked in and we were the only customers, it was dirty, no one spoke english, and the menu she handed us said, "jennifer's chicken" (huh?) on the front. when you opened the menu, however, it was all mexican food. (what the hell?) when i went to order a margarita and she said they didn't serve booze there...we booked it the hell outta there (no bueno!). so basically when butch plans things he is looking for either a coupon or a good time...one such event this weekend had both. (oh boy!)

a coupla months ago he yelled out from the living room, "i found a groupon for a race...it's a BEER run! wanna do it? it's only 15 bucks a ticket!" we didn't have anything going on this past weekend and it corresponded with my birthday, so i said sure. i didn't really read anything about it, so therefore i didn't decode any fine print. he coerced several of our friends to also do it (cause the groupon was a 4 pack) and fen was one of those people. upon picking up her packet she called us frantically and said, "yo! did you get the beer package, too?! the lady said we can't drink unless we get that." i said no. i asked warren and he acted like he had no idea what i was talking about (cause he didn't.) we got our anheuser busch wrist bands the night before and thought we were good to go. anyways, the next morning fen flew through the door, along with another one of our derelict friends...and we all piled in my car to first drop the kids off at my uncle's and head to the race. that morning ella broke out in some sort of rash (of course) and was complaining about being itchy. the day before, carrie started having an irrational fear of bees. when i say irrational, i mean it came on with no warning and she started behaving like the bees were on earth solely to sting her. (screams galore.) also, EVERY insect to her was a "bee." (from gnat to a big ass bumble bee) so we showed up at my uncles on one of the most beautiful days to date this year and told him about the rash and the irrational fear. he (a funny human being) yelled, "who the hell drops their kids off in this condition!? WHO!?" we laughed and walked out the door. better you than me, buddy. (you raised two kids yourself, you'll be fine...sayonara suckaaaaa!)

i had assumed that the race was somewhere downtown and would be near the water. we all did, except for butch who knew it was at the fairgrounds the whole time. as we pulled in, a massive statue of paul bunyan greeted us and there was beer everywhere. there was also a band. basically, it was like pulling into a concert, nevermind the fact that we were all there to run. as we walked into the fairgrounds, we noticed there were people hanging out all over the place and then someone came on the loudspeaker, we listened to the national anthem, and then they said, "let's tap those kegs!!!!!!!!" (wtf?) we all looked at each other like, "where the hell are we?" and then fen said, "is this real life?" (we all busted out laughing.) i mean, we had all expected to show up and do a physical event, not slam beers like we were at bonnaroo or some shit. anyway, when in rome...the boys had some type of vodka bomb and as the race start time neared, we naturally looked for the starting line. we couldn't find it and when we would ask people they acted like they had no idea what we were talking about. (is this real life.) so there we are hanging out, wearing our bibs, ready to run...and wondering if there really was a run. then, butch produced a map that had 8 craft beer stands along the way. the route was a loop and we had to do three laps. i wondered at this point how it was going to play out? who the hell and runs while drinking heavy beer!? i mean, miller lite mayyyyybe...but dogfish head IPA? (let vomit ensue.)

i had it in my mind from the beginning that i was not stopping at any of the beer stands and would do the 3 or so miles, then partake in the beverages afterwards.  however, i didn't know what the other 5 people in my group were going to do. we all started out and sure enough at the very beer stand, lotsa people stopped and slugged some beer. the course itself was all terrain...like grass, rocks, gravel, and asphalt. (it wasn't easy.) i couldn't help but thinking i was going to see a lot of overturned ankles...and a lot of puke. i plugged along and lost sight of the people in our group. at one point a rickshaw (true story) passed me, transporting people with beers in hand. (nice run!) when i was finished i met up with two of the bone heads, who had stopped at several of the the beer tents...but still beat me. (confidence booster right there!) then shortly after i got a text from fen that said, "warren and i ran the first two laps, now we are just walking along drinking beer." (typical) later, the least athletic of the crew said he, "thought his legs were going to explode (EXPLODE!) after a few steps, so he just did one lap and then went to find some liquor." (yes!) so leave it to butch to find probably one of the only races on the east coast that includes running and craft beer along the way. (AND bought with a coupon.) however, all in all, it was a fun experience...but the whole thing was a little confusing. (still is) the next race (10 miles!) i'm doing is in the city of brotherly love (with my brother), but someone do me a favor...stand on the sidelines and pass me a beer as i shuffle by. i'll need an excuse for this absurdly long one...when i legitimately barf on myself from exhaustion. bottoms up!

quarantined

so i was sitting on my bed working on grad work and my first born saunters in sans shirt and says, "when is this going to turn into a belly button?" i looked up from my computer and she was pointing at her nipple. (come again?) i said, "what?" she repeated, "when is this thing going to turn into a belly button!?" i said, "it will never turn into a belly button. it's a nipple." she implored, "well what will it turn into then?" i said, "a bigger nipple." (at this point i couldn't believe this was an actual conversation i was having.) the littler one was sitting on my bed with me just taking it all in on her imaginary clip board. ella said, "so wait, it's going to turn into a bigger nipple and then i'm going to have BOOBIES like YOU!?" i said yes. she asked, "like when?" i said, "like when you are older!" then she points to the other nipple and says, "so when is THIS ONE going to turn into a belly button." (i was at a breaking point.) i half laughed half yelled, "nipples will never turn into belly buttons! they are two different things entirely! one will never turn into the other. not now, not ever!" she laughed at my tone and skipped out of the room with her sister. (holy shit.) butch was at the gym and i was trying to wrap up what i was writing and from across the hall i could hear them giggling and carrying on. i let it go for a while and then i walked over to see what they were doing. (hopefully not coating each other in desitin or some shit.) this is what i walked into:

i yelped, "you have both been sick all week and now you think it's a good time to wear your bathing suits!?" ella was like, "well we ARE in the HOUSE and the easter bunny brought these for us and i think he would want us to wear them." (touche) about the sickness...my kids have been really, REALLY sick all week. i've said it a hundred times, but there is nothing worse then a sick kid. poor carrie had a fever for five days and then ella started with it on monday. we spent our entire spring "break" taking care of them. fen was choc fulla snarky comments about me being off all week and i wanted to scream, 'OFF!? OFF!? as a parent i am NEVER, EVER off." actually, i was more on this week than other weeks because of their constant care. on easter we were at doctors express and then the ER due to a super high fever that wouldn't quit. followed up by two pediatrician visits and hospital grade antibiotic shots. (dr. cocoa wasn't working.) on one hand, i felt so very terrible for my children. on the other hand, the lack of sleep and 24/7 attention was making both butch and i crazy. we were basically quarantined to our house and we only left to go to the gym. both laverne and shirley went through crying jags throughout the day (and night) and the whining was at an all time high. one morning this week, butch rolled over and said, "spring break? yeah right. remember when i used to go to visit my college roommate for spring break?! i used to go to the BEACH...life is not a beach anymore, life's a BITCH." (i laughed like a little girl.)

thankfully, both of my cherubs are feeling better just in time for a trip to pennsyltucky. both warren and i running in a race...with beer at the finish line. (of course.) butch is in decent shape these days, but isn't much of a runner. he thinks it's going to be "easy"...and i think he is going to "die." i'm trying to be supportive, but holy balls man...you don't run. (should be interesting, to say the least.) my parents have so graciously agreed to watch our children so that we can go out to an adult dinner tonight. at about 6pm they are going to hear slamming doors and squealing tires. (have fun nanny and pappy!) after the week we've had, i will never take my children's health for granted again. i have never seen either of them so sick and it was heartbreaking. we had plans to go to the zoo and the aquarium this week...we went no where. (kids are perpetual monkey wrenches.) parenthood is the scariest 'hood i've ever driven through. it can make you elated one minute and question your decision to procreate the next. it can quarantine you to your house, despite the fact that you don't have to work all week and made master plans to do fun things. it can make you have serious conversation about why your kid's nipple will never turn into a belly button. it can make life feel like a real bitch. but let me tell you, all bullshit aside, it's the very best thing i ever did and i can't imagine my life without them. during bathtime last night, they both asked to wear their bathing suits in the tub. in that moment, butch and i realized...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. bathing suits it is.