weight

so this one was sauntering around the house last night in her pajamas eating a freeze pop...while wearing a winter hat. (not to mention the one princess heel.) as summer comes to a close and a new school year begins, i always find that the first couple of weeks are the hardest. (hear me out.) my kids have to fall back into a new routine and they tend to turn it up a couple notches in the hours that they are awake in our presence. (they are making us nuts.) it's like they realize we aren't spending every hour together, so they want to make sure that the time they do have with us is well spent. (wool hat and all.) despite their added nonsense this week, this particular post is not just about them. this post has mainly to do with the pounds i added...to my ass this summer. i have to be the only person on the planet who GAINS 10+ pounds in the summertime. (12, to be exact.) seriously, who does that? (apparently i do.) i actually didn't realize it was a problem until i went to my hometown this past weekend and packed a pair of pants. this particular pair of jeans hadn't been worn since the spring, so you can imagine my surprise when i put them on and i looked exactly like a standing 5 foot stuffed sausage. (stop laughing.) my two stocky legs resembled twin bratwurst and the zipper was screamin' when i attempted to button them. i said a few hail mary's and after a glance in the mirror decided to go ahead and wear a pair of (stretched out) shorts i had on earlier. then i put on a black shirt and hoped for the best. finally, i texted fen some obscenities about my obesity, but she assured me i was just fine. (what are best friends for?)

now listen, as i state this...it's no mystery as to why i gained weight. (even though it's not winter.) i was still running periodically, but i definitely fell off the paleo wagon. when i tell you i fell off the paleo wagon, i mean i fell off with a meatball sub in one hand and a margarita in the other. also, i was very careful not to drop them as i went down, because they were just so delicious. (being honest here.) doesn't matter how much you run, if you are eating whatever you want and drinking your body weight in boxed wine and beer every week...you will gain weight.  unless you are one of those freaks of nature who can "eat slash drink whatever you want" and "never gain weight." (if that is you stop reading right now and go order a pizza for yourself and eat it all, that's what i would do if i were you.) so anyway, when you don't really have a schedule in the summer, it's easy to let loose. (teacher problems.) i would say that the past three weeks were pretty much spent eating whatever i wanted and getting wound up. my inlaws came for a visit, i went to the beach with my family, and then last week i just decided to act like it was woodstock. so after i had the sausage link leg scare in my hometown, i wasn't that shocked. i wasn't happy about my revelation, but i knew there was a reason for it. i actually hadn't stepped on the scale all summer, so when i did on monday my fears were realized. twelve pounds to the good in two months? (really.)

so here's the thing, i'm brutally honest about most things...my weight included. i've pretty much been a bunch of different sizes, but i know for a fact that i felt much better previous to my end of summer blow out. butch also decided to hop on the scale to see what he weighed. a few posts ago i told you that he tipped the scales at 200 and was whining about it. well when 208 showed up in the numbers he just about lost his shit. he didn't go out and buy highlighter colored running shoes this time, but he did tell me he was going to start eating better and not drink so much beer. i shook my head knowing that this probably wouldn't last, but i wanted to be supportive. when i made zucchini stuffed with ground turkey last night, i also made a side of spaghetti for him thinking that he would whack it back like a sumo wrestler. to my surprise, he ate the zucchini first and said, "i'm gonna see if this makes me full and then probably pass on the spaghetti." (well done!) however, when dinner was over and he went up to give the kids a bath...i got busy doing the dishes. i noticed as i got started that there was a container of mayo in the sink. it had the lid on it and everything...and it was still cold. i yelled up the steps, "yo! why is there a thing of mayo in the sink!?" he paused for about 3 minutes and then yelled down, "oh yeah...i forgot to tell you i had a little sandwich when i got home from work!" (whhhaatttt?!) i got home maybe 10 minutes after him with the girls, so he must've made a speed sandwich and stuffed it in. he thought he was going to get away with it, but in his haste put the mayo in the sink. needless to say, i laughed my head off downstairs. (secret sandwiches? yes.)

as a new school year begins, i am determined to plow through these extra pounds i've put on. in other words, put down the meatball sub and pull myself back up on the paleo wagon. i mean, i may still have a margarita every now and then in moderation...but acting like it's my 21st birthday every day is no longer an option. not only has my husband joined me in my plight, so has my best friend fen. she let me know on monday that she was wearing a skirt to work and it was so tight it resembled saran wrap. she also stated that it feels lately like she has shrunk all of her clothes. maybe that's what happened to my jeans as well? (good one.) so we have been swapping recipes and encouraging each other to make better choices through email and such. (misery loves company.) we are still going to get together for girls night once a week, but hopefully not eat a bag of chips and slug back a box of wine to wash it down. (will power.) not sure where warren is going from here, though...i mean, maybe he will work to do better, but i don't think having secret sandwiches is a solution. (just sayin.) the last time i really changed my cooking and eating habits drastically, i also tried to keep him happy. however, despite my efforts, it led him to be hungry (his words) most of the time, so he would stop for secret hamburgers on the way home from work...and then hide the wrappers. (this really happened.) all i know is i am definitely ready to make a conscience effort to be more healthy. i have felt like a heap of shit lately and hope to remedy this with more running and better food. hopefully the two little monkey wrenches i live with fall into a back to school routine sooner rather than later. if not, i may be the one eating a freeze pop, wearing a winter hat and one heel...right before they carry me off to the insane asylum in my plus size pajamas.

jiffylube

so i had to go to the lady part doctor yesterday to get the plumbing checked out. i don't know if  guys know how lucky they are that they don't have to do this annually, but they are. (super lucky.) i mean, it does get easier after the many years (and after 2 kids) letting other people examine your stuff...but it never is something that is fun. when i walked into the waiting room, i had flashbacks of being pregnant and spending so much time in that office. (like 234 visits.) no bullshit, it kinda gave me the heebee jeebees. there was a sea of pregnant people waddling around me and i remembered those days like it just happened...not like it was 2 years ago since i was waddling along with them. i happened to be around a lot of babies this summer and my uterus got very twitchy around each and everyone of them. whispering sweet nothings from down below...asking me to have another baby. (i politely told it to be quiet.) however, seeing a bunch of pregnant people in one place made my uterus want to go play hide and seek...and never be found. it wasn't whispering anything but "get the hell out of here!" don't get me wrong...i didn't hate being pregnant, but there isn't anything glamorous about it. you are housing a goddamn human being. your body does weird stuff, you are uncomfortable...and not to mention the fact that you are huge! i sometimes felt like i was a planet orbiting the sun. (a pregnant planet.)

anyway, when i told my husband i had the appointment he looked over at me from watching his show and said, "where is it again?" i said, "the lady doctor office? the one that you were at? at least 14 times? that one!?" he said, "well i didn't know if you switched doctors or something...i don't know." he went back to watching bait car and i went about my business of doing dishes. he then leaned over in the lazy boy and yelled, "so you are going to get your oil changed, huh?!" this is what he calls a gyno appointment..."getting my oil changed." i replied, "yes, warren...i'm getting my oil changed and there is a dipstick and all." (dear god.) he chuckled. so anyway, there i was in the waiting room with a sea of soon to be mothers...and one dude. i always feel bad for the guys in these situations, because it has to be anything but comfortable for them. even if they are "secure in their manhood" or whatever, it's not any guy's choice place to be. football game? yes. local tavern? yes. in a waiting room full of women who are loaded with hormones and ready to fire humans out of their lady parts? no. this guy looked like he was on edge and every time the receptionist called some one's name he jumped a little bit. i wish i would've known his name...i would've yelled it just to see what would happen. (he'd probably shit his pants.) anyway, something has shifted in me now that i am a mom. i don't mind waiting in a waiting room anymore. i actually find it enjoyable! i mean, i'm alone, it's quiet, i can catch up on what the latest celebs are doing in free magazines. it's great! when the nurse called my name i was a little disappointed. i wanted to sit there a little longer and enjoy some "me" time. (motherhood makes waiting rooms fun...who knew?)

so the nurse squawked my name and then loudly asks in front of everyone if i could please go to the bathroom and deposit a urine sample. i think the guy crawled out of his skin...the pregnant people didn't bat an eyelash, nor did i. pee in a cup? piece of freakin cake, people. afterwards you have the joy of standing on a scale, getting your blood pressure taken, 43 questions and all that happy horse shit. you start to feel like a machine, rather than a human. (like a car getting service done. maybe butch was onto something with his oil change comment.) when they actually take you back to the vagina inspecting room, it's a little frightening. the chair looks like something out of a medieval torture chamber and there are enough tools laying around to scare the fleas off a mutt. the nurse then tells you to get naked and put on a robe. however, she tells you to put the opening in the front rather than the back, so you aren't sure whether to tie up the strings or let them hang. (i always just wrap it around me and hope for the best.) this visit i had a doctor i've never seen at the practice. turns out she was new. this girl was blonde, perky, and pretty much around my age. i felt like having a beer with her, rather than her checking out what was under my hood. we made normal pleasantries and then she asked me the standard questions that go along with these visits. stuff that would make a guy crawl under a rock and die. i won't go into full detail, but sometimes i had to bite my inner cheek to keep from laughing at some of the shit she was asking me. when the conversation turned to the type of lube i use...i let some laughter escape outta the gates. (i couldn't help it.) at this point you are still feeling uncomfortable on the inside, but the worst is yet to come.

i can't think of a position more exposing and scary than in that chair. once you saddle up, the doctor gets real close to your lady garden and starts poking around down there like it's a science project gone bad. i always hold my breath and wait for it to be over, but like i said it has gotten easier to go to the gyno after having two kids. after giving birth twice, you've had so many people staring down there that it's like second nature. (no big deal.) i remember my mom telling me that one of her jokester friends put a "mr. yuck" sticker down there for the doctor to find. i'm not that ballsy, but i do think it's pretty funny. after all this is said and done, i always feel relieved. you sit there awkwardly in your gown on that godforsaken chair and the doctor continues to make small talk and ask more questions. afterwards, i walked back out into the waiting room to leave and that poor guy was still sitting there pretending to read a magazine, but looking like he'd just seen a ghost. (i almost screamed BOO! in his direction.) i walked out into the parking garage glad that it was over. before i went back my house and the mayhem of motherhood, i texted my husband to let him know i was on my way home and said something like, "on my way...it was really fast!" he wrote back, "jiffylube." (i died laughing.) within minutes of walking in the door, i was wiping goop off of my two year old's hands and my four year old was simultaneously yelling to tell me she just pooped and needed her tush wiped in the bathroom. (see why i liked the waiting room?) until next year and another visit to the lady part garage. godspeed to my women friends who have to endure the same nonsense. to you men who watch us go through it,  but don't have to do it? you suck. moreover, although i initially felt bad for the guy in the waiting room...it was fun to watch him squirm. whatta sissy.

moments

so if you are the parent of more than one child, you may have noticed something that i call the "pain in the ass phenomenon." as in, your children take turns different moments of the day (or different days altogether) being a pain the ass. it's almost as if one taps out and tags the other one...in preparation of monkey wrenching your world. however, the days (or moments) that they are both acting awesome...you think about having another one. (kid, that is.) the days (or moments) that they are both acting like a pain in the ass...you think about adopting them out to a less fortunate soul. (it's just how it goes.) for instance, last weekend i had to take a trip solo from one state to another and i only had my 2 year old in tow. i turned on the car dvd player i purchased at walmart (i wasn't wearing slippers) and drove off into the sunset thinking i wasn't going to hear a peep out of her. (yeah RIGHT!) she was moaning and asking for drinks and snacks and shit the whole time from the backseat. then, about 30 minutes away from our destination she fell asleep. (nice timing.) then this weekend, we got in the car for another state to state jaunt and she immediately fell asleep...but her sister decided it was her time to shine. she harassed me from the backseat for the whole 3 hours asking, "are we there yet?"..."can i have a snack?"..."is that a cornfield?"..."what is that truck doing?"..."are we there yet?" (repeat 23x)  i was about to lose my shit and when we finally made it to the bay bridge we got stuck in traffic. the little one decided to wake up and shit her pants so that the aroma could engulf us for the last 10 miles. between the 237 questions and the crap...i almost put it in park and swan dived to freedom with the fish. (for real.)

if you haven't experienced the pain in the ass phenomenon...pretty sure you aren't a parent. my uncle always said that children are the best thing in the world...but they are an incredible pain in the ass. (i have found this to be true.) while on vacation, you see lots of other people that are part of your world. (the parenting world.) you know their struggles and you feel their pain...and quite honestly, it makes you feel better about your life. i saw one dad chasing his kid around trying to apply sunscreen and i thought, "yep, just did that upstairs in the condo." another mom on the elevator had to go back up 3 flights with her 3 kids...cause she forgot something and i thought, "i've ridden this elevator so much for that reason this week that my pointer finger hurts from pushing those goddamn buttons, lady." i mean it happened over and over, me watching parents that is...and i was able to relate to all of the nonsense they had going on. again, it made me feel better about my two toddler ass pains....and feel better about being a parent. moreover, my kids for so long were always going through different phases, but now the two year old is going through a mimicking phase and does everything the four year old does...so it's like i have twins. ella crosses her arms in protest, so does carrie. ella screams, carrie screams. ella runs into a wall and smashes her face, so does carrie. (it's so dumb.) carrie still isn't speaking in sentences, but she knows the words that get her what she wants. those words being yes and...NO. (she knows "NO" really well.) she's really good at using nonverbal cues as well. (exhibit A below.)

i was out on the balcony (during vacation) and turned to see an epic battle going on...over bubble wands. one minute they were playing nicely and the next minute i thought ella was going impale carrie in the jugular with the circular stick. carrie was screaming NOOOOOO and i said, "stop! why are you fighting over those...you each have one?!" ella turned and said very matter of factly, "the orange one works better." now let me explain...these were the EXACT same wand, except one was yellow and one was orange. originally carrie was using the orange one, but ella decided that one "worked better" and wanted it. i yelped, "it's the exact same wand, ella! the exact same one..it's just a different color!" she shook her head and said, "nope. it works better...i know it does." (wtf?) i walked inside to find my dad making sandwiches. i said, "this is a real struggle right now...fighting over the exact same wand, because one "works" better." all he could do was laugh. i've noticed that my parents laugh about a lot of the "struggles" that they observe me now going through with my toddlers. mainly, my guess is they are laughing because they aren't going through it themselves...but can sit back and enjoy the show. (just a hunch.) later on that day, there was a woman walking along the landing behind us on the way to dinner. i politely told her she could "go around" cause my children wanted to walk "themselves" and we all turn into a herd of turtles. she smiled and said, "i'm fine. i have four girls myself...sometimes it's fun to watch the world through their eyes." i asked her how old her kids were, "she said i can't even believe this, but my youngest is 21 and my oldest is 30. when they are little like yours, you never think you are going to get out of that phase...then suddenly you blink and they aren't little anymore. it goes too fast."

i shook my head and told her that everyone and their brother has been telling me this for a while now. i try to savor every moment, but when you are explaining to children why one bubble wand is not superior to another bubble wand...it's hard. when you are chasing a two year old around the condo with sunscreen and she is acting like it's napalm...it's hard. when one kid is asking for a snack from the backseat for the umpteenth time and the other one is crapping her pants...it's hard. savoring these little moments is hard. being a parent is hard. however, i think that at the end of the day...all parents just want to know that they are not alone in this struggle. they want to know others can relate. they want to know they they aren't the only person that forgot something in the condo and have to ride back up for the 23rd time that day. they want compassion and understanding from other people going through the same things...at least that's how i feel. i only have one more week of summer left as my summer stay at home mom gig comes to a close. my summer was filled with great (and not so great) moments. i am thankful that i have had this time to spend with my children, but good golly miss molly it wasn't easy. as i head back into the classroom to help raise and teach other people's children, i send my kids back to the sitter to elicit the same help from her. (it takes a village.) i know my toddler tag team will continue to take turns being a pain in the ass, but as the lady on the landing said, "it goes too fast." (correct.) so if you are ever thinking of doing a swan dive off of the bay bridge, just try to remember that this too shall pass. there are a whole hell of a lot of people going through the same struggles and trying to survive. at the end of the day, we are all in this together. one pain in the ass moment at a time. you are not alone.