snowday

alright, so i'm off of work...and i have a lot of time on my hands. this one is for my fellow foodie friends. today we were supposed to get snow...the weathermen in maryland predicted it, turns out the weathermen are ass clowns. i wish i could be wrong 90% of the time at my job and not get fired. (what idiots.) anyway, we got a little bit of snow...but none of it actually stuck, so really we have nothing. (booooo.) although i hate the cold, i really do love the snow. i love how quiet it gets, i love getting 'snowed in,' i love how pretty it makes everything...and that all being said, i'm pretty pissed off at the weatherman wackjob who said that we would have some on the ground and we have nothing. 

i was awoken this morning at 7:23am by ella's little voice across the hallway that said, "mommmmmeeeeee i poooooooppppeddddd, commmmeee change meeeeeee." i rolled over, looked at my clock, and then immediately looked out the window like a little kid to see if there was any white stuff. there wasn't. (rats!) i changed ella and we discussed the importance of going on the potty (instead of in a diaper) for the 239th time, and then i went over to carrie's room. she also had crapped her pants. changing two shitty diapers by 7:30am was definitely not on my to do list for the day. however, motherhood called...so i had to answer. (ahh, the joys.) warren was indeed still scratching his ballsack in bed at this time...and when i told him both kids crapped their pants upon waking up he said, "what is wrong with them!?" (next time i'll save the poop for you, pal.)

we came downstairs and i made breakfast. i don't know about any of you, but my two year old eats like a bird. i'm not kidding you, i think she survives on goldfish crackers...and air. the doctor said that it's "totally normal" and i said, "for who?!" she said, "she won't starve...she'll eat when she's hungry." (umm, ok then...like when she's in kindergarten? or what.) carrie went back down for a morning nap and i decided to go for a run since there was no snow. penelope and i headed out and i got about a mile from the house and it started snowing. (snowing hard.) at one point, the dog stopped and looked up at me like i was an asshole for taking her out in this kind of weather. i cursed the ass clown weathermen again, and headed back home.

we went out to lunch, and then to the grocery store. (to get our milk, bread, and eggs...because it was french toast weather, friends!) the store was packed. we got two carts (awesome.) and butch and i were standing in front of the deli. there was a lady there probably just a little older than me, and she had a 3 year old with her. ella yelled, "WHO DAT DIRL??" (i explained that like us, she also wanted some lunch meat and cheese.) the mother oooh'd and ahhh'd at ella and carrie...and then we started talking. she said she had an 8 month old at home and she tried to go to the store yesterday with both of them but it was, "the hardest thing she ever had to do." (preaching to the choir sister.) we laughed a bit and then a random older man came up behind her little girl and said, "sorry sweetheart, your shoes are on the wrong feet!!!" sure enough her purple sequined boots were mixed up. the mother looked totally embarrassed. (um, don't be.) i said, "at least they are 2 of the same pair, right?!" she smiled at me and shook her head. i was thinking...it's okay lady, i was cleaning up two shitty diapers before i had time to put in my contacts or use the bathroom myself. (i know your pain.)

when we got home, both girls went down for a nap. i had about 34 things on my to do list for this afternoon...but i took a nap instead. (don't judge me.) seriously though, all of that stuff that you overburden yourself with will get done...eventually. i've learned that it's not worth it to stress over it. i used to stress about it, all the time...now, not so much. there are more important things in this world than whether or not the ceiling fans are cleaned or if the hardwood floors are shiny. have a nap or a glass of wine instead...you'll be better for it, i promise. anyway, when i woke up i decided it was an excellent day to make beer and cheese soup for dinner. it's as good as it sounds...i mean, who can go wrong with beer and/or cheese? (nobody.) my uncle makes this soup often and it. is. bangin. i included the recipe for you foodies that want to try it...if you are like me, you are always looking for a new and easy recipe. also, i love soup in the winter. (comfort food favorite.)

this soup is not "light" by any means...so if you are planning on dropping "those last 10 pounds" for your new years resolution, you better get busy and make it in the next couple of days, and then after you eat it, change your resolution to "those last 15 pounds." if you were wondering what butch was doing with all of his time off today? he was making a video for our christmas files. (nerd.) i decided to include it, because cause it is one part ridiculous and one part cute...watch at your own risk. i am neither wearing makeup...or a brassiere. (yes!)

my saturday night consists of beer & cheese soup, bath and bedtime stories with the kids, a movie rental, and red wine...and although i love my children dearly, i surely hope i don't wake up to a deuce double whammy at dawn again tomorrow.

christmas

there are toys and shit all over my house. (i mean all over.) every room has some little reminder of christmas in it, ella is very good at dispersing her goods to each nook and cranny of our humble abode...like a goddamn two year old tornado. i wish i knew the best way to organize all of it, but it's kinda overwhelming right now. i almost feel like taking all of the toys out on the lawn and only bringing back in the ones that she actually plays with. quite honestly, she'd probably be happy playing with a water bottle or a...shoe. did you ever notice this if you have kids? i mean, she opened all of her presents and basically had more fun with the boxes than the actual toys. it's ludicrous. my brothers also generously bought toys r us out of every LOUD toy imaginable. it's been a real treat in the early morning (after drinking a few holiday beverages the night before) listening to her ball vacuum go off like gunshots in my brain. i can't wait 'til they have children so i can return the favor. payback's a bastard...and it comes in the form of drum sets and 'annoy me' elmos.

that being said, christmas was a whole hell of alotta fun this year. two nights before christmas, i loaded up our suv with gifts and drove them over to our neighbors house, where i wrapped everything, drank wine, and laughed. (our husbands were both sleeping. of course.) christmas eve we went to church with my uncle and his family. although i do believe in the big guy in the sky, we rarely attend church. as someone said, "anyone that goes to church with a toddler deserves a medal..." this is true. ella is usually pretty well behaved in public, but as we walked into those arched doors of that catholic church i thought, "let the games begin." also, neither kid had crapped that day, so i knew a shitstorm could happen at any moment. crammed pews and crap do not mix. we also had to go a half an hour early...because everyone and their brother (literally) wants to say whaddup to jesus on christmas.

it was standing room only when we got there, and my uncle had gotten there an hour early with his family to "save us seats"...like we were going to a concert or sporting event, but god was the show. i am not catholic, so i am not used to what i call their "worship workout". stand up, sit down, kneel, sing, stand on your head, balance the bible on your knee, shake someone's hand, bless yourself, kneel, say a prayer, repeat...jesus take the wheel, seriously. at my hometown church, you show up, sing a few songs, say a prayer, and go home. (sidebar: my dad usually closes his eyes and sleeps during the service and no one seems to care.) let's just say our services are very different. ella did pretty well, but did start with antics about halfway through, and we started playing pass the toddler. i think everyone in our pew held her at least once. she also broke wind on both my and butch's lap, and then laughed her head off and said, "i tooted on you!!!" loudly. (not funny, kid.)

there are also two kinds of people at church...the kind that enjoy the children amongst the crowd and the kind that don't. the family behind us was the first type...they were smiling and waving at our kids the whole time. laughing at ella when she did a leg bend in her tights and put her shoe in the air and said, "do you like my shoe?!" (they seemed like nice people.) the group in front of us, that included a father on his blackberry and a mother playing solitaire on her iphone the whole service, were the latter. even though they had three boys of their own, they seemed like the kind of people that believed that children should be seen and not heard. moreover, the dad seemed like a total douchebag. he got annoyed when he sat down and ella's hand was wrapped around "his" pew (the pew in front of us) and he leaned back into her chubby paw. he gave me a dirty look...and if wasn't in the house of the lord, i would've given him backhand to his ballsack. (whatta jerk.) anyway, we made it through the service, shit free and forgiven of all of our sins. (amen.)

when we got home, we put the kids to bed and got to play santa for the first time. this is the first year that ella "gets" the whole santa shebang...and it was so much fun. actually, playing santa tops my list of one of the greatest parenting privileges. (who knew!?) afterwards, we had skype christmas with butch's family in colorado and then awaited to arrival of my family from pennsyltucky. four of my family members came...and they brought three cars. my mom arrived first and brought in a casserole dish of turkey breast cooked in celery and onions. she had to bring turkey (even though my uncle was cooking beef wellington) because my dad insists on having turkey at every holiday. (she also admitted that she didn't even know what beef wellington was so she had to google it.) as she placed the casserole dish down in my kitchen, i saw she didn't have the right amount of foil to cover it, so she pieced together what she had left...with blue painters tape. she also said that she almost had to use duct tape, but thank god she found the other tape. (i think either are ridiculous options, but i wasn't surprised by any of it.)

next to arrive was my dad, who pulled his big ass F1-50 black truck (complete with cab)...right onto my front lawn. (this is always where he parks when he visits, and he thinks this is totally normal...i'd be willing to bet my neighbors do not agree.) he and butch started unloading everything out of  my mom's car and kept setting off the car alarm. my mom kept jumping up whenever she heard it and hitting the button, explaining that something was broken and the alarm just goes off randomly. (that would be something i would get fixed pronto...but hey, that's just me?!)  my brothers who were "right behind" my mom and dad the whole drive still hadn't arrived like a half hour later, so i called them. one blamed the other one that they took a wrong turn...there was yelling, but they stated they would be there in 15 minutes. (excellent.) we all headed over to my uncle's house for dinner and all of the food was spectacular...spectacular and rich. the only green vegetable that was served was brussel sprouts...but even they were cooked in bacon. we all ate...and then went into a christmas coma. my uncle said he couldn't figure out why everyone was laying around acting like the family dog was just hit by a car. i could actually feel my ass getting fatter and my arteries clogging as my food digested...i'm guessing the rest of my family felt the same way. all in all the day was pretty great...one of the best christmas's i've had, really.

the last couple of days...we hung around, drank, ate more food, and enjoyed each other's company. (and antics) the last of my family members left this morning. i immediately laced up my sneakers and went for a run...sweating out wine and wellington the whole way. when i got back, fen stopped by and said she had no idea how i went running, because she was having trouble just standing up and speaking in full sentences. she also puked in her mouth and swallowed it during our conversation...oh, and she was on the way to the dentist. (curious how that turned out...) butch went to barnes and noble this afternoon? (i've never seen him read a book...guessing he just wanted quiet.) he also shaved a mustache onto his mug today, just for fun i guess. four more days off of work for the both of us, shit could get crazy. i hope everyone had an enjoyable christmas, i certainly enjoyed mine. although, i'm already plotting what toys i can buy both of my brother's future children. i'm open to any and all suggestions...the louder the better.

vacation

so today is the first day of my christmas "vacation." something they don't tell you in the parenting books is that after you have children, you will never have a true vacation again. kids are awesome, but there is nothing relaxing about them. they are a lot of goddamn work, actually. the words vacation and children are opposites...i know this to be true. last night, butch and i got home from work and both cracked celebritory beers...bottles clanking for the start of our long holiday break. meanwhile, ella was running around the house doing laps, laughing her head off like a maniac for no apparent reason. carrie was in the exersaucer staring at her, wondering what gene pool her sister actually came from. (the looks that my 6 month old gives my crazy 2 year old are priceless.) we fed the kids, gave them baths, and laid them away in their mangers for the night. (or so we thought..)

at about 9pm, we were on the couch about a few deep and ready to dive into the red wine, and over the monitor we heard carrie squawking...when she went into the ugly cry, i went upstairs and scooped her up. snot was all over her face and i realized at that moment that she was getting sick. (joy.) i brought her downstairs and plopped her on the couch. butch came out of the bathroom and said..."what the...!? why is she down here..." i said, "i think she's getting sick. she's snotty." he replied, "well this is a great start to the break, huh?" yes, it is just awesome. after about another hour, i took her upstairs and decided that i was just going to go to bed. i laid down and at about 11pm, i heard ella losing her mind. (expletives were flying around in my head, i promise.) i went over to console her, and same snotty deal as the other one. (2 for 2.) although carrie slept through the night with minimal interruptions, ella was up and down a multitude of times. both of us looked like the walking dead, trying to comfort her...at one point we made eye contact and just laughed out loud. the zombie apocolypse played out right here in our house last night, how fitting.

when i saw 3am on the clock, i decided to go over to ella's room (she was playing/crying in our bed...still) and lay on the floor. as i grabbed my pillow and walked out of the room, i heard her ask butch if she could have a cookie. a cookie at 3am. (a goddamn cookie.) i turned around and said, "did she just ask for a...." he just said, "yes." (dear lord.) i decided to solicit the help of curious george at about 5am, when i put the dvd (ella calls them deebeedeebees) in the laptop in our bed, i hoped she would lay and watch. she did, for about an hour and then decided it was time to go downstairs. so to be clear, on our first day of "vacation" we were up actually earlier than if we went to work. (parenthood problems.) as i was sitting here writing this, butch was making breakfast and set off the smoke alarm. as the loud beeping was echoing through the house, i didn't even bat an eye. carrie started laughing as she saw her father flailing a dishtowel over his head to wave the smoke away, and ella put her hands over her ears and was yelling "what's that noise, people!" fa la la la la la...what. the. hell. is going on in this house.

with smoke alarms and two sick kids, day one seems to be as promising as the first night of "vacation" was...i can't wait to see what the next 11 days have in store for us. my family enters the scene again next week, just adding to the plethora of shenanigans. (i'll be sure to have the boilo properly labeled and removed from the fridge...so it does not end up in ella's sippy cup again.) to those of you without children that are on christmas vacation...enjoy it. to those of you with children on christmas "vacation"...enjoy it. (although my house is crazy, it is nothing compared to the week i had at work that included a gaggle of five year olds hopped up on sugar and santa. holy cats...i think i went through a whole bottle of advil.)

i'm currently looking at this scene. yes, ella is wearing butch's shoes (she's understandably exhausted) and mickey mouse is serenading us from the television. (but hey, better than listening to a smoke alarm first thing in the morning.) butch jumped into the living room and sing songed..."it's the most wonderful tiiiiiimeee of the yearrrrr!," just as carrie sneezed and blew pears and snot all over me. things can only get better (or more ridiculous) from here, christmas vacation commence...godspeed to all those involved.

kids

my day started when i got a call from the office that there was a parent that had a "concern" and wanted to speak with me. turns out that on friday, one of my students cut off another one of my student's EYELASHES. (yes, eyelashes.) i vaguely knew about this, because after work on friday..i got a call from a coworker who left me a message to let me know that the music teacher came to see her to tell her one of my students was missing his eyelashes. (jesus christ.) she didn't go into detail on the message, but let's just say i pretty much forgot about it over the weekend with everything else i had going on. therefore, today, i was somewhat blindsided when i had to deal with this first thing on a rainy monday morning.

before you get all "how could you as the teacher not see something like this happen?!" on me, let me explain something to you: when you are teacher, especially of the kindergarten variety...you take on many (many) roles during the day. i don't just teach kids to read, write, and do 'rithmatic. i am a nurse, a comedian, a part time mom, a counselor, a referee, a ring leader...and sometimes a clown. and so, when this child was giving another child an eyelash haircut...i could've been doing many different things; such as but not limited to, putting on a bandaid, telling a joke, giving out a hug, teaching letter sounds, tying a shoe or wiping a nose. this all being said, i still felt horrible that this happened under my watch...and even more horrible that i didn't know anything about it until friday evening after school.

as i mother, i can see how you would be concerned when a child's scissors are in direct contact with your child's eyeballs. this is not good. however, when i was called down to the office and got a gander of that little boy batting his eyelids sans eyelashes at me...i had to bite firmly down on my lip to avoid a shit storm of laughter from escaping my mouth. (he looks absolutely ridiculous.) when the culprit was asked why he did it, he said, "because i wanted to see what he would look like without eyelashes!!" (he was pretty pumped about his answer.) i explained that we can't just go around all willy nilly using scissors to cut things because we want to see what things will look like. (the principal was biting her lip at this point.) kids do this stuff not because they are malicious...they are just naturally curious and don't have much regard for consequences. (his mother was acting like it was a 5 year old hate crime. relax, lady.) furthermore, the other little boy admitted that he, too, wanted see what he would look like without eyelashes as well...so he just let the other boy do it. (well, kid, you look absolutely ridiculous.) anyway, this was the start of my day...explaining to children why we don't cut each other's eyelashes off, and explaining to the parent why it wasn't a hate crime. (what were you doing at 8am?)

prior to this all happening, in the (very) early morning hours...we said goodbye to my inlaws who were in town for the past couple of days. a couple of things happened during their time at our place (other than my kids getting some major quality time with them..) first off, on thursday when my mother in law was babysitting the the girls, she accidentally filled ella's sippy cup with...boilo. (if you just gasped, i assure you that my reaction was probably 100x more dramatic than yours.) boilo is moonshine. it has high amounts of high test booze in it. that being said, it is not for 2 year old consumption. (ever.) most of our boilo supply is in our kegerator, but there was one 1/2 gallon in the fridge. it is labeled ever so hill billy deluxe style with duct tape. (see below.) it was in the fridge sideways, so she didn't see the deluxe duct tape label. ella took one sip, knew something was terribly wrong and yelled, "THROW IT OUTTTT!!!!!!!" so my mother in law did dump it down the drain and then filled up the sippy cup...with more boilo. ella refused to drink it. (THANK GOD.)

we didn't realize something was up until i came home from work and she said, "ella refused to drink any of her juice today!?" this is very strange...because my child is a (diluted) juice junky. she drinks it all day long. i looked over an hour later, saw the cloudy concoction in her cup and knew what had happened. (holy shit.) i thought my mother in law was going to either puke or pass out when i told her that it wasn't apple juice in ella's cup...it was a little bit of grandpa's cough medicine. praise jesus that my child does not have a taste for boilo at her wee age, or we all coulda been at the ER with a lot of 'splanin to do. needless to say, all of the boilo is out of the fridge now and we have a story to tell ella on her 21st birthday. (i'm convinced this would've only happened in my house. sheesh.)

along with the boilo incident, both of my children have been taking turns waking up in the middle of the night the entire time my inlaws were here. ella was sick, so snot was her enemy...making her unable to breathe well while lying down and carrie decided that after a month of not eating during the night, that she wanted to go back to having a little midnight snackaroo. (could be a growth spurt, i know.) so i did not get much rest over the past 5 days and i am also riding the red railroad. (i have one foot on the border of crazyville.) as i sat down to write about my day...ella stumbled into the room with a bucket on her head. (earlier i received a text from the sitter that she was walking around with a basket on her head.) so this may be her new fun obsession...weird things as hats. (awesomeeeee!)

                                               

                    

i guess the moral of this long story is this...i love (and have always loved) children. whether it be my own two goofballs at home, or the children i spend my school days with...i appreciate each and everyone one of them. i love their sense of wonder and how much fun they are...even if it means they are cutting off each other's eyelashes or a wearing an assortment of weird hats. also, kids are so goddamn hysterical. a mother of two grown children told me to start writing down the funny stuff that comes out of my first born's mouth in a notebook, to read as she gets older. i haven't started doing it yet, but i need to...because at least once a day i am cracking up at something she has said. likewise, a former kindergarten teacher told me to do the same thing with my kids at school...and i have started doing that on a daily basis. and so my days with children like today (that started with an eyelash incident and ended with a bucket for a hat) seem very long, but the years that have passed seem so incredibly short. the only thing we can do is hold on for dear life...and keep laughing, because (unfortunately) this rollercoaster is not slowing down for anyone.

trifecta

ella is sick, it's just about my time of the month, and my inlaws are coming into town tomorrow...it's pretty much the makings of the perfect storm. don't get me wrong, just because my inlaws are part of this trouble trifecta, does not mean that i dislike them...because i don't. they are good people. however, it just adds stress of me having to make sure everything is clean and everything is "prepared" for their arrival. (my mother in law is one of the cleanest people i know and even though she says she "doesn't care" what the house looks like...i know better.) half the time it looks like toys 'r' us threw up all over the place, but i at least want it to be vacuumed and dusted. also, monday morning at about 5am i heard screams come from ella's room...this child loves sleep and i knew damn well she was not "waking up for the day"...i could tell from her cries of annoyance that she was sick. (damnit.) i got her out of bed and brought her over to our bed, snot and all. she was boiling hot and extra irritated. butch rolled over and stared at her, and me. i said, "well it looks like one of us will have to stay home today." i knew damn well that he didn't feel like going to work because he was at the steelers/ravens game with fen the night before. he said, "well i guess i can take off..." (i know you want to, so shut up.) he went online and got a substitute and ella was begging me to lay with her. why is it that every other minute in her days, she wants her dad....but when she's sick, she wants me? it's such a kick in the vagina.

anyway, i decided to take carrie to the sitter anyway, because i didn't know what kind of tricks ella had up her sleeve for butch and i surely didn't want to hear about how "rough" his day was. and so, at 6:15am i woke carrie up, strapped her smiling head into the carseat and took her to the sitter. i forgot how quiet a car ride can be without a 2 year old in the backseat. "what's that mommy?!" and "green means go, red means stop" and "yo tarrie, how are you today?!" she talks a lot, and i love her to death, but i'm just not a talker in the morning. (ever.) i made it to work and at about mid morning, i texted butch to see how ella was doing. the conversation went as follows:

and then 20 minutes later:

i knew when i got home he was going to be a mess. and he was. i came in and ella was playing,  he was on the couch and looked like he just got home from the vietnam war. (the only thing that was missing was the bloody fatigues.) i said, "so how was your day?" (i knew damn well how it was...) "well, she puked, she cried, she was a mess...and i feel terrible." (you look terrible.) i laughed a little bit and said, now what do you think makes things so different for women than men? why do you think this was so hard for you? "we have different DNA, trish...it's just not the same..." (bahaha.) i said, "did she nap at all?" yeah...from like 12-2:40" (that's half the day in my book...) i said, "well that's good!" he said, "yeah, but i had to do the stuff on your list, too." i did leave him a list...and i only do this because in the past i've gotten irritated when stuff i think should be done, never would get done. this is what was on the list. 1. unload and reload dishwasher (maybe a 10 minute job) 2. fold laundry in dryer (maybe another 10 minutes) 3. empty trashcans upstairs. (5 minutes tops.) so there is a half hour extra...give or take. what did he do with other 2 hours during her nap time is beyond me. (i thought it best if i didn't ask.)

i made dinner, bathed both kids, and put them to bed at 7:01. at 7:02 i was in the car heading to the liquor store to replenish my box of wine. at 7:07 i returned home, and my first glass poured out of it's glorious spout by by 7:10. (if you think i'm joking, i assure i am not.) don't judge me, it was needed. warren wanted a glass, too, (i mean, sheesh, he just got back from 'nam)  and we ended up finding national lampoons christmas vacation on television. (one of the best movies ever, in my book.) around 9pm, we went to bed. (party animals.) anyway, i decided to take off of work today because ella was still running a fever when we went to bed. when she woke up, however, her fever was magically gone. (praise the lord...because fevers can turn kids into mini hannibal lectors.) i made breakfast, we played, i cleaned, took both of them to the doctor, did laundry, got out their winter clothes, fed them lunch and then they went down for a nap. (i love nap time.) however, they didn't sleep long and were up by 2pm. (blah.) during that hour that they were both asleep, i made myself a yummy lunch and had a glass of wine. (what the hell.) when they woke up we went for a jog, to the nearby beach, and played some more. i cooked dinner and we ate by 5:15. i'd be willing to bet that a lot of people with children have had days that look similar to this. it's pure craziness. and if you let it, it will make you crazy.

so all this has happened in the past two days, and then my inlaws will enter the scene tomorrow evening. i think it's a safe bet that the elapsed time between the time the kids go to bed tonight, and the time my first glass of wine is poured will be much shorter than last night. tomorrow night even faster...maybe i'll just strap the damn box to my back for good measure. i hope the soldier from 'nam is in full warrior gear (making sure his man parts are extra protected) the next couple of days and i can manage to keep the crazy at bay. the perfect storm is a brewin' folks...hopefully none of you are around when it hits. category five for sure.

holidays

alright, so the holidays are here. dear sweet baby jesus...the holidays. my entire family has been in and out of my house at some point over the past week. the only one left is my 19 year old brother (daisy) who will be heading back to college tonight. it was nice not having to travel up to pennsylvania with our dog and pony show (and not to mention all of the CRAP that we have to take with us), but no worries...my family brought the dog and pony show to us. i cleaned the shit out of my house last saturday for their arrival...and i don't know how you feel about the whole cleaning thing, but that day i said to butch, "i'm so glad my house is clean...so that my family can shit it all up again!!" i always say that i'm not going to clean before they come, just after. (but i do it to myself every time.) and so last sunday my mom arrived, wearing her rose colored glasses and a smile. my mother and i are the same in a lot of ways, but we are also very different. i think it's safe to say that i've gotten 89 percent of my genes from my father. anyway, she is very positive! and perky! a lot of the time. her glass is always half full. (of wine.) she skipped through the door and i kinda had to brace myself for her all day/everyday happy attitude.

monday i had off of work, so i went out to run errands while she was here...it's so nice to run errands without a toddler on my leg and a baby on my hip. i even had time to get my hair cut. it actually felt like a little vacation. about ten minutes into my get away into the real world...she called me. "ummm....i am taking the girls for a walk and i got a flat tire on the jogging stroller!!! (she was laughing hysterically...) what do i do?!!?" (my lord.) "well mother, there is a pump on the porch, so head back to the house and blow it up if you can..." i could hear ella yelling, "what you doing nanny?!"(she doesn't know what she's doing, ella, remain calm.) . i hung up and a few hours later i called her back around lunch time to see if she wanted anything from subway. she replied, "tricia! i did not come to maryland to get fat!!!" (i was going to get you a turkey sub, not a double whopper...mother.) "so you aren't going to eat lunch!?" she said, "i had my tea, i'll be good until dinner." (tea?!) that's the other thing about my mother...she is about 115 pounds soaking wet. (just one of my ass cheeks probably weighs in at 115.) while she was here she was on some special hot tea potion kick that "melts belly fat" away...if i had only tea for lunch i would probably kill someone. anyway, i headed home shortly after this and we were incident free for the rest of the day.

that night, i made dinner and fen called to say that she would be over for a visit. she came through the door with her patented bottle of wine tucked under her arm around 7, we talked and laughed and i went to bed around 9...i left her and my mother downstairs. around midnight, the two of them were cackling loudly like little school girls and both were hopped up on wine. they were laughing their heads off (and woke me up. look out.)...i then stumbled down the steps, looked into the living room and scolded my own mother.."you have to get up in 6 hours with your grandchildren!! go to bed!!" fen gets scared when i yell and she ran out the front door. my mother hopped onto the futon (with all of her clothes on) and covered herself with a blanket. the next day fen texted me to see if she was still in trouble. my mom called me at work to see if she "ruined thanksgiving"...dear lord no mother, get a grip. i do believe she may be going through "the change" and is highly emotional at all times. that doesn't work well in my house, because i say exactly what i'm thinking (often using lotsa sarcasm) and even though i don't mean to hurt her feelings, i sometimes do. (sorry, mom.) she was home with the kids all day on tuesday and i called at lunch she said (and i quote), "I COULD DO THIS EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE!! I LOVE IT!" however, when i got home a few hours later, she laced up her sneakers and squawked, "i need a break...i'm going for a walk." (welcome to my world, debbie.)

wednesday i began cooking for the big thanksgiving feast (enter many pounds of butter) and that night we went out to the bar for drinks, while daisy stayed home with the kids. both carrie and ella have been going to bed around 7 every night and sleeping until 7. (it's been glorious.) and so, when i put them to bed, i figured the trend would continue. (i was sadly mistaken.) i swear that children have a sixth sense about stuff like this...we made no mention of us leaving after they went to bed, but somehow they just knew. around 1am, i received a call from daisy and i could hear carrie crying. he said, "she is awake and i think she pooped." (REALLY!? aaaaaHHHH.) and so, i went home and left the kids (i mean my parents) at the bar. upon inspection when i got home, carrie had a poop explosion up her back. (she has pooped maybe two times in her whole life in the middle of the night. so of course she would do it when my little brother was babysitting!?) i asked keith why he didn't change her...he's said, "i've never done that in my life and i don't plan on doing it ever." (awesome babysitting skills, bro.)

thursday and friday went off without a hitch. my family (minus my tea drinking mother) managed to eat and drink almost everything in the house. saturday morning butch went to get the tree and ella started harassing me in the kitchen. the conversation went something like this: "i want tookie." me: "no honey it's too early for a cookie.." ella: "i want tookie." me:"no, but maybe after lunch you can have one." ella: "i want tookie." me: "not happening, kid." ella: "i want tookie." me: "no." alright...so you see where this is going. same question, answers got shorter and shorter until i was just doing the dishes ignoring her...which escalated to "I WANT TOOKIE!!!!" 8 (EIGHT, i counted) more times...and then she proceeded to SLAP ME IN THE ASS. (oh my god, my toddler just slapped me in the ass.) when i turned around, she must've seen the crazy look in my eye, because she took off running. (oh no you didn't, sister.) as i was chasing her around the corner, butch was coming through the door with a christmas tree quoting clark griswold (loudly)..."LITTLE FULL, LOTTA SAP!!" carrie (who has been held and had direct attention for an entire week) was in the other room making what we call "the most annoying sound in the world" (from the movie dumb and dumber)...it's not a cry, it's not a whine...it's a high pitched noise that demands attention, and sounds like nails on a blackboard. (it was at that point that i realized, had there been a video camera in our house...we would be rich.)

and so now we arrive back at sunday, the holiday week has (finally) come to a close. i am more than exhausted and also feel like i need to check myself into the betty ford clinic after the mass amounts of holiday booze i consumed. butch leaves tomorrow to head to the mountains of maryland for a school "outdoor ed" trip. (he will be camping in the woods with a bunch of middle school students, for the whole week.) he wants me to believe that this will not be a "vacation" for him, but i know better. (i know what goes on in our house, fool...camping with a bunch of teenagers is a cake walk compared to this.) between work, the most annoying sound in the world, my ass slapping 2 year old,  and the fact that warren won't be here to help...i will most likely lose my mind at some point this week. stay tuned.

ladies

alright, so with my motor skills back in order...i'll elaborate on my girls night out on saturday. to begin, last friday night was the first official night that carrie slept through the night. i can't be the only parent who has had a full blown panic attack when their child does this for the first time. i went into her room in the morning...to see if she was still breathing. you go so many nights of waking up to a squawking baby, that when they don't wake up (for the first time in 150 nights) you are seriously concerned. i actually held my breath when i opened her bedroom door, because i was afraid of what i was going to find. when i saw her smiling face, and realized she made it through the whole night without interrupting my rest, i'm going to be honest...i loved her a little bit more. (sleep is a big deal, people.) anyway, i woke up fully rested on saturday...and felt pretty spectacular.

i also woke up and it kinda felt like christmas morning for another reason as well...i knew that it was going to be my "turn" to go out with the girls that evening. butch and i have to divide and conquer these days when it comes to weekend expeditions. babysitters are expensive, and even though we really just need a warm body in the house for a few hours after they are in bed...it's easier for one of us to just stay home. it's not ideal, but we know that this phase will pass and we'll be on to the next goofy parenting endeavour. truth is, we don't go out that much anymore...so when we do get "out" we really (really) enjoy it. anyway, fen invited us over for dinner that evening (with the kids) so after doing 237 loads of laundry, running, cleaning the house, washing my ass, and taking care of everything else that had to be done around the house...we went over to her humble abode. another one of our girlfriends was coming in from philadelphia, so we hung out and waited for her arrival. she came, we all ate dinner. (and sidebar...i made dinner. fen invited us over (for dinner), and i ended up making the whole pan of chicken divan. this is typical fen behavior.) at about 7pm i escorted butch and my offspring back to the house, helped him bathe them and put them to bed. gleefully i skipped out the door at about 8pm, with my go to black dress, side pony intact, and stars in my eyes.

when i arrived back to fen's (she lives around the corner), i grabbed another beer (i had about 2 by that point) and got crackalackin' on the nights mission. (hammertime.) the original plan was to go "downtown" to go out, which includes cab rides and such...so i wanted to pace myself at that point. while we were all standing around the island in her kitchen, our guest mentioned that she wanted to go to a local bar (in our town) and we all decided that would be a better option. it was at that point that i decided (at about 9pm) that i was going to double fist both red wine and beer. (one in each hand.) forget the pace car...i wanted to be the race car. i started getting wound up right before we went out, but i still had all of my motor skills intact and knew what was going on. the picture below was taken before going out. i (sorta) remember the ride to the bar, and (sorta) remember walking in there...sorta. i also need to mention that fen's roommate, a (male) navy corpsman decided to go out with us as well. (in hind sight, he probably regrets this decision.)

so we arrive at the bar and all order a round...on my credit card. (which would end up being the only round..) the bar we went to had a band, but they were on a break. this is when things start getting a little fuzzy. apparently, it was at this point that i started taking shots off of the waitress's trays and slamming them down my gullet...without paying for them. i do not do shots anymore...i left that behind with my twenties. liquor makes me wackout blackout drunk and i hate it. plus, it also gives me a wicked hangover as well...i have two children that wake up at the ass crack of dawn, i don't need to willingly give myself a wicked hangover. so anyway, back to the shots that i don't remember...it was shortly after this that i told the people that i was with that it was "time to go." (probably with some expletives thrown in there) they hadn't even finished their first drink yet and i was demanding that we all leave. this picture was taken shortly before our departure. (awesome.)

fen was behind the wheel (in her new car), and she knows from experience that when i hit the point of no return, it's time to exit the premises...or a shit show is going to ensue. (we left.) they all decided to go to wawa to get some (drunk food) subs, and technically it is on the way home...so they stopped. fen and our philly friend went into wawa and the corpsman and i were in the backseat of her car waiting for them to come out. it was at this point that i got the spins...and shit got serious. (i thought i might die.) instead, i opened the back door of her car...and fully unloaded no less than 3 gallons of beer, a 1/2 a box of wine, and chicken divan all over that parking lot. because of the wine and the chunks of chicken, it looked like a scene out of a horror movie. i also looked like a character from a horror movie as well....makeup smeared, tears running down my face, hair plastered to my cheek...it was ugly. the ladies skipped out of wawa and fen started freaking out when she saw the vomit. "THIS IS MY NEW CAR! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! and...OH MY GOD! DO YOU EVEN CHEW YOUR FOOD!? THERE ARE WHOLE CHUNKS OF CHICKEN IN THERE." (dear god.) our other friend unwrapped her (stolen) sub (that was not her order) and began chowing down. apparently there was some sort of dressing on the sub and when this girl "eats" food (using the term loosely) while intoxicated, she owns the food. she owned (mutilated) that sub and shit was everywhere. dressing, lettuce, meat, cheese, you name it...was running down her arms and all over her face.

the navy corpsman was in the backseat just staring at all of this shit going on. here we are...three "grown" women, (it was only like 10:30, mind you) acting as if we are on some f'd up taping of idiots gone wild...and he's in the middle of it all. he wanted to go "out" with us and it ended up being for (half) a beer and a trip to wawa...including (but not limited to) puke, screaming, and a theft. (happy veterans day, buddy.) i don't really remember getting dropped off at home...however, i woke up at 4am, in (only) a tee shirt, no undergarments, my contacts still in my eyeballs, mascara smeared on my face, and puke still in my hair. i stumbled to the mirror and realized that i looked like a goddamn rape victim. i washed my face, took out my contacts, put on some godforsaken pants and walked downstairs to get a drink. i checked for my phone, keys, and credit cards and had that "thank god" moment when i saw all of them there...strewn all over the floor in front of the front door next to my boots and my black dress. (wow.)  it took a few days for all of the pieces of the puzzle to fit together. (and it's still not complete.) i looked at my online banking statement today and i had a tab of over $30 bucks at the bar...and i couldn't figure out how because even if i bought everyone a round, we were all drinking just beer. i texted the two ladies (if you can call them that) that i was out with and asked how this was possible...one replied, "hell if i know? maybe we paid extra for the roofies??" (i laughed my head off at that one.) fen said, "along with the shots you stole, you also bought everyone a round of red headed sluts!" (great decision.)

so long story short...i can be certain about a few things after this weekend. first off, my decision to leave behind shots in my twenties was a good one, i just need to make sure i follow through and not actually buy and/or steal them. secondly, i will be very surprised if if fen's roommate ever takes me seriously again after seeing me lose my shit all over the parking lot of wawa. (moreover, i think it's safe to say i will not be eating chicken divan anytime soon.) finally, if you go out for ladies night as a married mother of two....and you wake up looking like a rape victim, you probably can't handle going out in the first place. lesson learned.

thankful

so i'm jumping on the bandwagon and i'm going to write about the 30 things that i am thankful for...here. we. go. (in no particular order...as you will see)

1. butch. (warren vernon)  i'm pretty sure he is the only guy that could put up with my antics on a daily basis...and i his.

2. carrie & ella. i always knew i wanted to be a mother, i just didn't realize how much fun (or how crazy) it was going to be. it's been a wild ride so far. i'm so lucky to be their momma.

3. epidurals. although i love my children dearly, firing them out of my vagina was no picnic. i'm thankful for people that are smarter than me who created this miracle drug and thankful for the anesthesiologist who administered to extra large needle into my back.

4. coffee. every morning i look forward to a my cuppa joe. i can't imagine my morning without it. even after a night of no sleep, it never fails me...and plus, it tastes delicious.

5. george & deb. i am who i am because of them. i can only hope that i can be half of the parents to my kids as they were to me. plus, i hope when my children are of legal age, i can drink them under the table as they do me.

6. nate & keith. nate will always be the favorite, keith will always be the baby, and i will always be the only girl. my siblings are my friends. i love them and wish i could see more of them.

7. fen. (jen.) i never had a lot of girl friends growing up...but jen has remained a constant. we have shared so much with each other and i am so thankful that she is in my life. she makes me laugh with her ...and also gives me many reasons to laugh at her.

8. all of my other friends. people that make me laugh, seen me cry, helped me move, held my hair back when i had too much sauce, and most importantly were just there when i needed them. i'm lucky to have these people in my life, i wouldn't survive without them.

9. miss KK. i have a wonderful sitter, who cares for my children 9 hours a day...while i go to work and care for other people's children. she has 5 children of her own, and is crazy and enjoys wine like me.

10. teaching. i love what i do, and have met a ton of awesome children along the way. it is an emotionally exhausting job, as i have to take on many (many) roles throughout the day as a kindergarten teacher. however, kids are funny people...making it easier to deal with the other stuff.

11. shippensburg university. without my education, i wouldn't have my job...and i also wouldn't have met my friend lacy. she is one of the funniest human beings i've ever met, and i am so glad that we have remained friends over the years.

12. wine & beer. (liquor and i are no longer friends.) i enjoy either after a long day, or even just because. it's a delicious and easy way to unwind.

13.  sports. i enjoy them all, and all are excellent reasons to get together with friends, eat good food, and drink beer.

14. food. going out to eat is one of my favorite things to do, and i also enjoy cooking. i don't do it as much as i used to, but as the kids get older, i hope to have more time to do it.

15. sex. that's all i'm going to say about that...my parents read this.

16. penelope. our SPCA rescue dog has definitely taken on a different role since our children were born...but she is pretty much the only one that actually listens to me in the house. plus, she is a good running partner.

17. our cat. just kidding...she's an asshole.

18. schuylkill county, PA. (my roots) i have not forgotten where i came from, and am proud of the little bodunk town that i grew up in. it's filled with good people who have added so much to my life. i'm a country girl at heart.

19. maryland. living near the water is something i always wanted to do. it's pretty awesome. someday i want to live at the beach, but this is close enough for now.

20. uncle rj & aunt brenda. (and their kids) they moved from the skook to here prior to us moving down for teaching jobs. i don't know if we would've moved here, had they not been here. it's nice to have someone from "home" here...and they also feed us, take care of our children, and make us laugh.

21. music. i pretty much listen to music throughout the day, i love the way it makes me feel. i don't have a favorite genre...i enjoy them all. (well, most of them.) sidebar: i didn't like country music, until i moved out of the country. (makes no sense.)

22. running. one of my many vices, and something that i can do just for myself. i look forward to it, and feel better after doing it. bucket list: half marathon. maybe if i say it outloud, i'll actually do it.

23. curious george, mickey mouse, and dora the explorer. although this clan of cartoon characters makes me nuts half of time, they also give me a minute to get things done. they also entertain my child on long car rides...making it less painful for all involved.

24. hot bubble baths. i had to give these up for a while, due to time constraints...but lately i've been making time for them. i have to to lock both bathroom doors and pretend i'm taking a shit in order to not be disturbed...but it's totally worth it.

25. naptime. ella has always been a good napper, and carrie also enjoys a good rest. i love when they are awake, but it's nice to have a a minute to breathe when they are asleep.

26. clorox clean up and other cleaning products. there are not many things i enjoy in this world more than a clean house. i've had to "let go" some of my cleaning neurosis over the past 2 years, due to my kids making their appearances...but the smell of bleach or pine sol still gets me excited.

27. dancing. i only dance when highly intoxicated...however, i enjoy it.  a lot. pretty sure i look like elaine from seinfeld when doing it, but really...who cares. (not this girl.)

28. reading & writing. i've always loved books. i also enjoy sharing my own stories with people and writing has become something i really enjoy doing.

29. teachers i've had along the way. i wouldn't be able to read or write without them. (duh.)

30. laughter. funny people are my favorite kind of people. when people are miserable, i want to punch them in the mouth. life gives us so much to laugh about and if you take it too seriously, you will surely go crazy. don't go crazy...just laugh instead.


i told you they were in no particular order...as clorox cleanup has trumped teachers and epidurals have trumped my parents. anyway, hope you enjoyed the read. i'm very thankful for all of these things...and more. also, thanks to you for reading and laughing along the way.

sick

love is...sleeping in an upright position so that your infant can breathe, because she is congested and too little for pillows or medicine. (and by sleeping i mean not sleeping.) this is how i spent most of my night last night. propped up with pillows, child in the crook of my arm...neck in a weird position. both kids have been sick with colds for a few days, and last night the unicorn shed her horn and decided it was her time to rage against the machine. she was seriously pissed off that she couldn't breathe out of her nose, so just went ape shit about 11pm. i was just crawling into bed at that time when i heard her losing her mind on the monitor. why does it always happen that way? i mean, she was quiet up until the point of me wanting to lay down...and then magically she woke up and was like, "hell no mother, no sleep for you." butch was scratching his ass asleep at this point, so there was no movement (or help) from that side of the bed. (no worries, champ...i got this.)

after a restless night, at 4:30am she woke up for another bottle and i "woke up" as well. (i was awake the whole night.) before this, with my free arm...i was playing games on my phone, checking email, reading a book...and plotting butch's death. he was snoring, laying on his side, (peacefully) and everytime i would look at him...i wanted to bend my leg violently and jam my knee into his ball sack. so anyways, at 4:30...carrie started crying and i leaned over to make a bottle on the nightstand. (at this point, i can do this task with both eyes closed, one hand behind my back.) warren awoke from his slumber and stared at me, then said, "wow! it's 4:30! she made it really long without a bottle." (i hope you are wearing a cup, butch.) she wouldn't go back to sleep after this, so i said, "listen, i'm going in the other room, you can have her for a few hours so i can try to rest." (i felt like throwing up at this point. i was physically sick from being so tired. dramatic? yes. true? yes.) i went over to carrie's room, curled up on the futon and fell asleep. at 7am, i heard butch sighing loudly and stomping around. i opened one eye to see carrie's legs flailing in the air, heinie out on the changing table...and no butch. i sat up. he came into the room and said, "no wipes! there are no wipes anywhere!" (exasperated.) ella woke up around this time, too, and was complaining that her "ear hurts." (SERENITY NOW!)

and so, around 8am this morning (with one eye open and a large coffee in my hand) i went to urgent care with ella. ear infections and i do not play. (one time i didn't know she had an ear infection and ended up with a 105 fever. i almost shit my pants.) these urgent care places are convenient, but borderline creepy. the two secretaries eyeballed me as i walked in the door with ella in my arms...her hair looked like she just came off the stage of an 80's rock and roll concert. (mine looked the same.) we both looked rough. (but not as rough as the two behind the desk.) i filled out the paper work and we sat and waited...until an extra large (probably about 3 bills) and tattooed man with a lip piercing (aka...the "nurse") strolled out and called for us to come back. ella looked frightened. (i put on a brave face...but i was also concerned.) the nurse (using the term loosely, again) took her temperature and asked me 238 questions (including, "does she do drugs and alcohol?" i replied without missing a beat..."only on the weekends.") he smirked and said apologetically, "sorry, we have to ask everyone..."i've been up all night pal, i'm in no mood for games, or stupid questions...get your shit together. i was thinking, she's two...i assure you she was not smoking a bowl in her carseat and slamming vodka out of her sippy cup on the way here. (idiot.)

 it's like every medical school reject was employed by this place...and exhibit C was the doctor. this guy did not walk into the room...he bounced. i'm a bad judge of age...but i'd say he was a few over 50. he was bald on top, gray hair on the sides, a disney tie, and a molesterish disposition. he was a like a cartoon character wearing khaki pants, weird shoes, and just so happened to have a medical degree. i think you can tell a lot about people by how they treat children and animals. while we were waiting (and waiting), i had taken out two tongue depressors out on a stool for ella to "drum"...and i had also blown up a glove to make a hand balloon. he was not amused. he said to ella (but looking at me?), "hellllooooooooo beauuuutttiifullllll....can you tell the nice doooccttorrr what is wronnggg???" i made eye contact with her and i kid you not, if she could've verbalized it, she would've said, "get me the eff out of here...what kind of clown town did you bring me in to here!?" (i had to bite my lip to stop from laughing.) i said, "tell the doctor what hurts you..." she said, "my froat, my ear, and i toff." (my throat, my ear, and i cough.) he was still staring at me, not her. staring at me like a CREEP. i mean, i'm in sweat pants, a jean jacket...no makeup, wearing my (hot) glasses and he was eye eff'ing the shit out of me. (for the love of...) as if laverne and shirley the secretaries and mr. T the nurse weren't enough...now we have a goofy guy my dad's age wearing a mickey mouse tie...and a hard on. (get me outta here.) anyway, he examined ella and came to the conclusion that it was just a cold. (her ear was slightly inflamed, but didn't think she needed antibiotics.)

i left urgent care and hour and a half later with a (still) sick kid, a piece of paper explaining it was just a cold...and a plethora of material to write about. if i don't get a nap this afternoon, i may puke or pass out. (i'm that tired.) if that saucy bitch (hurricane) sandy blows into town and knocks out our power in the next few days, i will flip shit. (laura ingalls wilder, frontier woman i am not.) on the other hand, even though my children are sick...i know things could be a lot worse. (i'm lucky that they just have colds.) i'll continue to laugh at their antics, and try not to cry when they are crying in the middle of the night. (even though i sometimes want to.) at least i know i can always head back to urgent care for a laugh when needed...i can only hope mr. T and company are on duty when i go.

monday

if monday had a face...i'd punch it in the mouth. furthermore, after an especially fun weekend with amazing people...it makes it that much more unbearable. i have also found that the older i get, the more time it takes me to recuperate from a night (or in this case nights) of fun. i'm talking days. i'm talking i may feel like a normal human on about wednesday. (this is not a joke) this morning i woke up and my motor skills were barely back in order, let alone my mental ability to process things that you need to do...simple things, like brush your teeth and wash your ass. everything was painful. oh, and not to mention the physical pain that i was feeling as well. i'm no spring chicken anymore...so dancing my ass off for 3 plus hours led to pain in muscles that i didn't even know i had.

butch also thought it was a good idea at one point to put me on his shoulders. (i apologize to whomever got the ass show this small feat created.) short dress and shoulders are a bad idea in the first place..when there is booze involved, all bets are off. (ass cheeks were OUT.) after he paraded me around (it was more like him stumbling around like a circus clown), he ever so "gently" put me down on the (hardwood) floor...which made all of my weight impact my left knee cap. in that moment, i swear i smashed that bone. (my knee cap bone. awesome.) i pulled his hair and smacked him in the ear. (expletives flew out of my mouth.) no one cared at that point (even if i had needed an ambulance)...because there was a vat of boilo and everyone was pretending it was christmas eve. boilo is trouble, any day of the week. at a wedding it's super bad news, because people have been drinking since, like, daylight. christmas eve played out in the minds of many, i'm sure...it got ugly. (ps. if you don't know what boilo is, here ya go...click here. it's mighty delicious, especially this time of year.)

so anyway, this morning was not good. however, i didn't have to worry about getting the kids out the door to the sitter, because butch's car still wasn't out of the shop..he decided to take an extra day off. so what was the diagnosis of the car you ask? he BLEW the transmission. BLEW IT. (the car is not a 1988 ford tempo...it's a 2010 mazda.) the mechanic told him that he had a "faulty" transmission...i asked him if he told the mechanic he was a "faulty" driver. (he laughed.) he truly believes (deep down in his soul) that he had a faulty car part, and that his mario andretti mentality on the way to the bachelor party had nothing to do with his car needing a new transmission. (yeah, okay.) luckily, it is still covered under warranty. (thank god.) anyways, he was off today with the kids. i was so jealous as i walked out the door this morning. i had visions of him playing with carrie and ella, cleaning up around the house (which was a mess), napping when the kids were napping...and making dinner. none of the above happened. i came home at 4pm...he was on the couch (shirtless) and i'm not kidding you, he looked terrible. carrie was in the excersaucer, ella was eating a cookie and she smiled sheepishly at me. (uh oh.)

i then made the mistake of saying, "so how was your day?" he. went. off. "we don't pay the sitter enough! we don't! SHE (pointing at carrie...a baby) crapped her pants THREE TIMES and two of them WENT UP HER BACK! THREE TIMES out of that little body!" i said, "yeah, she poops a lot somedays." (trying to defuse him.) it didn't work. he kept going, "and THAT ONE (pointing at ella) crapped her pants TWO TIMES and you know what it smelled like?! it smelled like DEATH." (i was laughing on the inside at this point, but didn't want to push it.) i said, "yikes, that's a lotta poop in one day...sorry about that." (hahahaha...) he went on, "and ella didn't NAP...AT ALL. not one wink! carrie napped like 30 MINUTES the whole DAY." (i found that hard to believe, she is 4 months old...but whatever, i let it go.) there was shit all over the house. i mean everywhere. carrie was covered in her own spit (no bib) and lovin' life with her smelly self. i looked at ella and he said, "i figured i better change her out of her pajamas or you would yell at me..." the funny thing was, SHE WAS IN PAJAMAS. not the ones that she had on from the night before...but different ones. he changed her out of one set of pajamas, into another set of pajamas. (i just shook my head.) he then said, "we need to go get my car. it's done. and i'm done. get me outta here." (at this point i couldn't hold it together and LAUGHED. laughed loudly.) he did not appreciate my joy in his pain.

we climbed into the SUV and i drove him to the dealer to pick up his car. ella was so overtired at this point and kept asking, "cause why!?" to everything...she was also whining, a lot. carrie started crying about half way home. (and i had a massive headache.) we got home and i thought...eff this noise, i'm going for a run. (with them of course.) the fresh air would do us all good. (or so i thought.) i got out the door and started running...and ella started talking. (and talking. and talking.) i love the phyllis diller quote that says, "we spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them how to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up." (so true.) we wanted so badly for ella to start talking, and now she does. not. stop. she is also curious about EVERYTHING. (she's two, i can't blame her...) "what's that?," "why that?," "what doing?," "where going?," and on. and on. and on. question after question...after question. she also loves to name things. (everything.) so on the run i heard from the stroller, "look mommy! tree!" "look mommy! mailbox!" "look mommy! house!" after about 2 miles, and 20 minutes of this..i said, "ella, take a break..." she said, "ohhhhhhttttaayyyyy!!" and then proceeded to turn to carrie and "sing" to her. her singing consists of a loud yodeling sound that was echoing out of the stroller throughout the neighborhood. no real words, all sounds. all highly annoying sounds that are equally ridiculous. (the thing is...she knows she is being ridiculous.) i stopped the stroller. she looked up through the peep hole in the visor...and started losing it. laughing hysterically at my annoyed facial expression. (i'm in for it with this kid, i'm telling you. she is so much like me, it's scary.)

after our ever so peaceful run...i came back, fed both of them, did a load of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, bathed them, and they are now (thankfully) asleep in bed. (i love my children, but bedtime is such a sweet time in my house.) i had just started typing when fen blew in the door to borrow my crock pots for an upcoming party...and tell us how she just got lost leaving her new place of work. (are you surprised?) let me just say that i am glad this MONDAY is over. i am glad this day is over. although, i am seriously hoping by wednesday that my motor skills, brain function, and broken kneecap are back in order. also, if anyone snapped pictures this weekend of me teetering ever so gracefully on the top of my husband's shoulders with my two ass cheeks hanging out...i'd appreciate it if you would send them to me. i need the laugh.

lies

so friday during the day, fen texted me and let me know that she was severely hungover from her last two nights in florida (for "business") and she would not be going out. she also asked me if i wanted her to watch the kids so butch and i could go out for a little bit. (umm...does a bear shit in the woods?) yes, i will take you up on that offer fen...yes i will. i decided to go through the whole bedtime routine with the kids, so that they would both be sleeping when she came. after bedtime, we really just need a warm body in the house in case of fire or other natural disaster. both kids go to bed around 7:30pm and carrie usually doesn't wake up until around 2am for a bottle. (usually.) anyway, they were asleep when she arrived at 8pm...we had a beer with her and then we skipped out the door. (fingers crossed.)

butch had my keys (to the suv mommy mobile) in his hand and said, "i'll drive." i said, "why don't we just take your car?" he looked at me weird. "is that a problem?" (still looking at me weird...) "no...not a problem, i'll get my keys." now he knows damn well my car is all crapped up, and bitches about it all the time. there are 2 car seats in the backseat...a stroller in the way back, binkies, blankies, diapers, and all sorts of other baby paraphernalia. (fen was in my car yesterday, opened the glove box...where she found: a teacup, a medicine syringe...and a thong. she was flabbergasted.) it's a royal mess. alright, so after that 5 minute debate about whose car we are taking we climb into his car and pull out of the driveway. i noticed right away that he was being easy on the gas pedal. (not his style.) i cranked the radio and danced ridiculously in the front seat to "girls just wanna have fun"(one thing i do miss about driving, now that i usually have kids in the car...is blasting the music.) i tried to ignore the fact that he was driving slowly...and then when he accelerated after a stop light, i felt the transmission slip. (like the car bucked a little bit.) i ignored it...and then it happened again. (and again.)

i said, "do you feel that?" he kept his eyes on the road.."feel what?" i said, "the transmission is not acting right when you accelerate." he nonchalantly said, "oh...yeah...it's been doing that for about two weeks." i then immediately had a flashback to him telling me about 2 weeks ago (when he got back from the bachelor party) that he and one of our friends (a cop) were driving exceedingly fast and he made "excellent time" going to the poconos. the pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together here. "does this have anything to do with the fact that you were driving like a maniac to that bachelor party?" he turned and said, "umm...yeah, well it started after that trip." "JESUS CHRIST, BUTCH WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME!!!!" he was startled, "i thought it was just going to go away." "GO AWAY!? this isn't a cold or the chicken pox...this is a car transmission! they don't just fix themselves." he started to laugh. i said, "not funny, mario andretti. not funny at all." and so...the rest of the ride my blood boiled as the car bucked out of first gear into second. he's lucky i didn't karate chop him in the jugular every time it happened...because i was close. we arrived to our destination, and realized that the bar we wanted to go to was completely shut down. (when did this happen!? go figure.) so we just decided to drop by my uncle's house instead. i was rather salty about the car at this point and was in no mood to drive around in a bucking bronco of a vehicle looking for a bar.

so at this point, it was around 8:30pm. we walked into my uncle's house, bellied up to the island in their kitchen, and i dumped about four miller lites down my chops before i could speak of the car. i told the story. they laughed. (i was not laughing.) and then about 9:02pm...fen texted me. "someone is wide awake..should i try the swing or bottle? oh, and she keeps farting." (jesus christmas.) i said, "bottle." another text at 9:33pm.."SHITTIEST F'ING DIAPER EVER!!" the thought of fen changing a shitty diaper sent me into hysterics. then at 9:35..."if ella shits her diaper, i'm out." (oh good, glad this is going well...) at 10:40 my phone rang and it was fen, i could hear carrie crying and fen sounded like she had been through the ringer. i made the executive decision to head home. as butch was driving back (easy on the gas), i was thinking about how no matter what you "plan" on doing...kids will always change the game. your plans are always epically messed up. if you don't know how to go with the flow, you would surely lose your mind.

when we got home around 11pm, carrie was fast asleep in her crib (of course)...and fen looked like she had been through a war. (kids are the best birth control ever.) "i don't know how you guys do this day after day! it's crazy! also, she wouldn't stop crying...so i was singing her the national anthem. (huh?) it was one of the only songs i knew the words to. i was also singing her 'baby got back' because it was another song i knew." (out with mother goose...in with sir mix a lot. awesome.) we said goodbye to fen and thanked her. ironically, carrie ended up sleeping straight through the night (until 6am) for the first time ever. however, our three hours out on the town were ruined by lies: a transmission full of lies and lullabies with the lyrics, "i like big butts and i cannot lie." butch's car goes in the shop today, and i'm sending fen a cd of children's songs tomorrow. i am mentally in need of a ridiculously long run today, i hope my body cooperates. however, i won't be wearing my new (anniversary present) running shoes...because although my they are not used, they are definitely not the right size. (fail.)

next weekend, we will both be away the entire weekend for a wedding in pennsylvania. my parents will have the kids one night, and my uncle will have the kids the other night. i expect a plethora of shenanigans out of both of my children. however, i will be balls deep in a plethora of shenangians myself...a wedding that includes good friends, fun music, dancing, free booze (oh, and no children...) is a lethal combination. godspeed grandparents and great aunt & uncle. don't expect to call or text me about crappy diapers or lack of sleep, for i will be busy shaking it on the dance floor...as sir mix a lot is serenading me with his (not fen's version) of 'baby got back.'

magical

this is how ella left the house this morning...because she refused to go any other way. i pick my battles these days, and this is one i was not going to fight. (especially at 6am) if you want to go the sitter looking like wonder woman, you rock those panties on the outside of your footie jammies girlfriend...rock on. i always used to see children (mainly toddlers) dressed in ridiculous outfits and think, "how embarrassing!! how COULD those parents ALLOW their CHILD to dress that way!?" you know the ones...a little girl dressed in a pink tutu, snow boots, a turtle neck and a witches hat...or a little boy dressed in sweatpants, a collared shirt, topped off with a superman cape and a pair of sunglasses? (i know you've seen these kids out it public before.) things (such as clothing) become trivial in the grand scheme. this underwear ensemble is due to the beginnings of potty training. ella is at the point where she doesn't want to sit in a wet or shitty diaper...but she still doesn't want to go on the potty. it leads to her peeing or pooping (in a diaper)...and then demanding that she be changed now! (now, now, now!!!) it's lotsa fun. sometimes we catch her in the act...because she will suddenly disappear and create her own game of hide and go shit my pants...we literally find her in another room hiding somewhere pooping, and if we call her out on it she usually exclaims, "DOE AWAY!!!" or "OUTTA HERE!" i usually ask her if she wants to sit on the potty at that point and she acts as if i asked her if she wants to stab dora in the eye with a pencil...'NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" is a typical answer. (it's a real blast.)

prior to captain underpants waking up, my husband muttered, "i have a sore throat"...five little words that mean for the rest of the week i will be taking care of 3 babies, not two. (men are such goddamn sissies.) you know what i wanted to say? "listen pal, i have cramps, i'm bloated, i feel an axe murderer, and oh.....i'm BLEEDING FROM THE VAGINA. tell it to someone who cares!" luckily it didn't fly out of my mouth, but it was close. i just said, "oh yeah...i wasn't feeling great last week either, you'll feel better soon." (i tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice...but i'm telling you, it was quite difficult.) plus, tomorrow is our 4 year wedding anniversary, so i feel like i need to make a valid attempt to be nice. but hell, we already know what we got each other...because we are at the point in our relationship where we have already bought all the "normal" stuff that you get each other on these occasions, so now we just get each other stuff we need. (or think the other person needs.)

he asked me what i wanted and i told him a new pair of running shoes...so naturally, coupon bob went on ebay to get the best deal. looking over the computer one night last week he said, "so how do you feel about "pre owned" shoes....?" (excuse me?) i said, "like USED running shoes? like someone already put their sweaty ass feet in them? how do i feel about them!? i feel like if you get me them for our anniversary i will punch you in the dick. that's how i feel about them!!" he lost his shit laughing...and laughed for about 10 more minutes. (he was doubled over.) then said..."but trish...they are $120 shoes for $16 dollars!!" i screamed, "THEY WERE ON SOMEONE ELSES SWEATY FEET!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" after glaring at him  (he was still laughing), i then asked him what he wanted...he said (and i quote), "dr. scholls insoles for my shoes. that's it. nothing else." (um, okay, mr. rogers.) turns out though on sunday, he had a coupon for them and in turn told me not to get them because he would just get them himself and save some money. (he knew i wouldn't use the damn coupon, i bet.) so i got him a beard trimmer instead. (in preparation of the upcoming winter, and his upcoming snowbeard.) nothing says i love you like a pair of (used) running shoes and a beard trimmer. we are so very romantic.

at the end of the school day i walked over to the other (fresh out of college) teacher's room to deliver some papers that had to go home with the students. on her desk was a dozen long stem red roses in a vase. this is the second time this year that she has gotten flowers from her significant other. the first time, we were planning together after a school one day, and in walked a delivery man. there were three of us sitting around a table. we all looked up and i knew damn well the flowers weren't for me. (flowers aren't my jam...they are expensive, and they die. plus, do you really think butch is going to fork out $50 for something that dies? yea, right. maybe he did that in the beginning when he was trying to get laid...now, not so much.) the other kindergarten teacher my age (who has been married a coupla years) looked expectant....and then the man handed them to the new teacher. she. was. beaming. (and kinda shocked and embarrassed, too.) i made a big deal of it to embarrass her further.."well loooook at you miss fancy pants!!!" and said other stupid shit. so when i saw another set of flowers on her desk today i gasped (loudly) and wondered if she had a magical vagina...and then out of my mouth flew,"gees girl! do you have a magical vagina or what?!" (whoops.) she thought it was funny...thank god. i never want to offend people with my ridiculousness...well, actually, i really don't give a shit. (whoops, again.)

and so, at the end of the day, i realized something...when you are in your early twenties, you can relax while enjoying life...with your magical vagina and long stem roses. then your thirties hit and you suddenly have a husband that wants to buy you used running shoes for your anniversary and a two year old that starts her day with her panties on the outside of her pajamas. i don't know how i got here in life, or exactly how it all happened...but i do know that laughter (and alcohol) has played a large role in my ability to deal. i sit here now with a glass of cabernet and my computer...and all is just as it should be. however, if my husband really did get me the USED running shoes for our anniversary...he better fully expect to have a fist shot to the cock come morning. 

quotes

so a lot fun things happened in kindergarten in september...it's always the month where we are all getting to know one another. i've already posted a lot of the good ones, like the kid who told me her dad shits up the car and then locks the windows, and the 5 year old who said he wants to grow up to be a ninja warrior. (i wonder what that pays?) their energy and enthusiasm never ceases to amaze me...if i could bottle it, i'd be one very rich woman. here are a few other ones from this month:

"mrs. S...are you scared of werewolves and vampires?"
"yes...are you?"
"yes!! werewolves, vampires...and big dogs. all are REAL scary."
(indeed.)

"i have a wild cat at home...he's, like, real wild. my dad calls him yo-yo, but i don't think that's his real name."

"mrs. S, when there is a storm, my grandma told me the thunder is the devil and his wife fighting...but she also told me that is just a story, so not to tell anyone. but i'm telling you."
(if these people knew half the stuff these kids tell me...aye aye aye.) 

"sometimes when it rains, my dad lets me take my shirt off and run around outside! i like to jump in the puddles, too!!" 
(this dad sounds pretty awesome.)

we read the story the gingerbread man and the kids had to decorate their own gingerbread men on paper. it was playtime when i came across this gem:

i called the artist back to my desk and said, "hey, toots, can you explain your picture?" she said matter of factly, "well, i wanted to make a gingerbread girl...that's why she has long hair, and lips." (and boobs?) so i went on, pointing..."well what are those?" she said, "candies!! the old people decorated her with round candies." (thank god.) kids are great. 

there is a new kindergarten teacher this year at my school, fresh out of college. she has awesome ideas and has been a great addition to our "team." she approached me last week and let me know that she got some movies (we still use VHS!)  from her church. they were all fairy tales, which we had been studying for most of september. i went over on wednesday and asked her if i could grab "the lion and the mouse" to show my kids before dismissal time. i walked back to my classroom, picked up the kids from Art class...and was about to put the movie on when i flipped it over to read the back. this is what i saw:

i decided it would be best that i not show this one, as i never heard of the fairy tale THE ASS AND THE STICK. i put a yellow post it on it that said..."ummmm....???? wonder what the third story is about, sounds very interesting." i sent it back over to her via student. i saw her shortly after dismissal and raised my eyebrows at her... and she immediately started losing her shit laughing and was like, "I DIDN'T KNOW!? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS ON THERE! I DIDN'T LOOK AT IT BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU!" (still laughing and kinda embarrassed.) she then added..."i really think it's about a donkey and a stick, right?" i replied, "yes, i don't believe that there is a fairy tale about a stick up someone's ass...at least i didn't learn about that one in elementary school." funny stuff. 

"the human race has only one effective weapon, and that is laughter." -mark twain