christmas

there are toys and shit all over my house. (i mean all over.) every room has some little reminder of christmas in it, ella is very good at dispersing her goods to each nook and cranny of our humble abode...like a goddamn two year old tornado. i wish i knew the best way to organize all of it, but it's kinda overwhelming right now. i almost feel like taking all of the toys out on the lawn and only bringing back in the ones that she actually plays with. quite honestly, she'd probably be happy playing with a water bottle or a...shoe. did you ever notice this if you have kids? i mean, she opened all of her presents and basically had more fun with the boxes than the actual toys. it's ludicrous. my brothers also generously bought toys r us out of every LOUD toy imaginable. it's been a real treat in the early morning (after drinking a few holiday beverages the night before) listening to her ball vacuum go off like gunshots in my brain. i can't wait 'til they have children so i can return the favor. payback's a bastard...and it comes in the form of drum sets and 'annoy me' elmos.

that being said, christmas was a whole hell of alotta fun this year. two nights before christmas, i loaded up our suv with gifts and drove them over to our neighbors house, where i wrapped everything, drank wine, and laughed. (our husbands were both sleeping. of course.) christmas eve we went to church with my uncle and his family. although i do believe in the big guy in the sky, we rarely attend church. as someone said, "anyone that goes to church with a toddler deserves a medal..." this is true. ella is usually pretty well behaved in public, but as we walked into those arched doors of that catholic church i thought, "let the games begin." also, neither kid had crapped that day, so i knew a shitstorm could happen at any moment. crammed pews and crap do not mix. we also had to go a half an hour early...because everyone and their brother (literally) wants to say whaddup to jesus on christmas.

it was standing room only when we got there, and my uncle had gotten there an hour early with his family to "save us seats"...like we were going to a concert or sporting event, but god was the show. i am not catholic, so i am not used to what i call their "worship workout". stand up, sit down, kneel, sing, stand on your head, balance the bible on your knee, shake someone's hand, bless yourself, kneel, say a prayer, repeat...jesus take the wheel, seriously. at my hometown church, you show up, sing a few songs, say a prayer, and go home. (sidebar: my dad usually closes his eyes and sleeps during the service and no one seems to care.) let's just say our services are very different. ella did pretty well, but did start with antics about halfway through, and we started playing pass the toddler. i think everyone in our pew held her at least once. she also broke wind on both my and butch's lap, and then laughed her head off and said, "i tooted on you!!!" loudly. (not funny, kid.)

there are also two kinds of people at church...the kind that enjoy the children amongst the crowd and the kind that don't. the family behind us was the first type...they were smiling and waving at our kids the whole time. laughing at ella when she did a leg bend in her tights and put her shoe in the air and said, "do you like my shoe?!" (they seemed like nice people.) the group in front of us, that included a father on his blackberry and a mother playing solitaire on her iphone the whole service, were the latter. even though they had three boys of their own, they seemed like the kind of people that believed that children should be seen and not heard. moreover, the dad seemed like a total douchebag. he got annoyed when he sat down and ella's hand was wrapped around "his" pew (the pew in front of us) and he leaned back into her chubby paw. he gave me a dirty look...and if wasn't in the house of the lord, i would've given him backhand to his ballsack. (whatta jerk.) anyway, we made it through the service, shit free and forgiven of all of our sins. (amen.)

when we got home, we put the kids to bed and got to play santa for the first time. this is the first year that ella "gets" the whole santa shebang...and it was so much fun. actually, playing santa tops my list of one of the greatest parenting privileges. (who knew!?) afterwards, we had skype christmas with butch's family in colorado and then awaited to arrival of my family from pennsyltucky. four of my family members came...and they brought three cars. my mom arrived first and brought in a casserole dish of turkey breast cooked in celery and onions. she had to bring turkey (even though my uncle was cooking beef wellington) because my dad insists on having turkey at every holiday. (she also admitted that she didn't even know what beef wellington was so she had to google it.) as she placed the casserole dish down in my kitchen, i saw she didn't have the right amount of foil to cover it, so she pieced together what she had left...with blue painters tape. she also said that she almost had to use duct tape, but thank god she found the other tape. (i think either are ridiculous options, but i wasn't surprised by any of it.)

next to arrive was my dad, who pulled his big ass F1-50 black truck (complete with cab)...right onto my front lawn. (this is always where he parks when he visits, and he thinks this is totally normal...i'd be willing to bet my neighbors do not agree.) he and butch started unloading everything out of  my mom's car and kept setting off the car alarm. my mom kept jumping up whenever she heard it and hitting the button, explaining that something was broken and the alarm just goes off randomly. (that would be something i would get fixed pronto...but hey, that's just me?!)  my brothers who were "right behind" my mom and dad the whole drive still hadn't arrived like a half hour later, so i called them. one blamed the other one that they took a wrong turn...there was yelling, but they stated they would be there in 15 minutes. (excellent.) we all headed over to my uncle's house for dinner and all of the food was spectacular...spectacular and rich. the only green vegetable that was served was brussel sprouts...but even they were cooked in bacon. we all ate...and then went into a christmas coma. my uncle said he couldn't figure out why everyone was laying around acting like the family dog was just hit by a car. i could actually feel my ass getting fatter and my arteries clogging as my food digested...i'm guessing the rest of my family felt the same way. all in all the day was pretty great...one of the best christmas's i've had, really.

the last couple of days...we hung around, drank, ate more food, and enjoyed each other's company. (and antics) the last of my family members left this morning. i immediately laced up my sneakers and went for a run...sweating out wine and wellington the whole way. when i got back, fen stopped by and said she had no idea how i went running, because she was having trouble just standing up and speaking in full sentences. she also puked in her mouth and swallowed it during our conversation...oh, and she was on the way to the dentist. (curious how that turned out...) butch went to barnes and noble this afternoon? (i've never seen him read a book...guessing he just wanted quiet.) he also shaved a mustache onto his mug today, just for fun i guess. four more days off of work for the both of us, shit could get crazy. i hope everyone had an enjoyable christmas, i certainly enjoyed mine. although, i'm already plotting what toys i can buy both of my brother's future children. i'm open to any and all suggestions...the louder the better.