characters

so this morning (out of the blue), carrie started running a fever. (joy.) i could tell she was real ornery and crabby and not in the mood for any crap from the get go. whenever she is sick, she sheds the unicorn horn and becomes more like a creature that is not so mythical and magical. since she is only one, she uses crying and screams to vocalize her displeasure...rather than just saying, "i feel like shit. i'm sick." because she is normally so good on a daily basis, it makes it twice as bad when she isn't feeling well. we are used to an easy going, happy child...not a clingy kid with the disposition of a cobra. and so, i called the pediatrician and couldn't get her in for an appointment. therefore, i had to venture into the nearby clinic to have her checked. i've written about the joys of places such as these before, but my god this place did not disappoint today. the one i went to is called, "doctor's express." now correct me if i'm wrong, but i'm pretty sure the words "doctor" and "express" should not be used together...ever. pretty sure the word express should be saved to describe places such as the mcdonalds or starbucks drive thru...not a place that has people who are going to examine the human body, diagnose an illness, and prescribe medication. (just sayin.)

as i walked into the place, carrie was clinging to me like a spider monkey and we were the only people in the waiting room. there were 5 nurses behind the desk and they all stopped what they were doing and stared at me. this was a very diverse group of people...let me paint a picture for you: there were two african american women...one had a weave that was just spectacular. long and flowing (ala beyonce)...and included the color purple. she had matching purple eyeshadow and fake eyelashes to boot. (her scrubs were also purple.) i didn't ask, but i believe that purple must've been her favorite color. there were also two white ladies and one of them had what we call reverse mullet. it was long in the front and short and spiky in the back. it was also dyed (bleach) blonde. (awesome.) the last nurse behind the desk was hispanic and was wearing scrubs with balloons all over them. all of them seemed a little strange, but i smiled and said hello...to which one of the white ladies put up her hand and said, "can you give us just a minute? we are in the middle of ordering chinese." (ordering. chinese.) pretty sure if they were in the middle of ordering lunch, they shouldn't have shared that with me. i mean, if it was me...i would've made something up. (anything.) i wouldn't have told the patient in the waiting room that i was ordering kung pow chicken and beef and broccoli. (but whatever.)

i sat down with carrie on my lap and waited. (for them to place their order. for lunch.) carrie kept looking at all of them, then back at me. looking at them, then at me. (at least 5 times.) her facial expression was priceless. (ie/ mother...what the hell have we gotten ourselves into here.) i actually started laughing like a fool at this point. i couldn't help it. about 5 minutes later, they called me to the desk and took down all of my information. (insurance/ID and all that other BS) they told me to sit down while they processed my stuff. meanwhile, i happened to tune into what was coming through the speakers. i couldn't believe my ears. GUNS N ROSES, baby. sweet child o mine...at a doctor's office. again, correct me if i'm wrong...but GNR should NOT be played in a doctor's office...ever. axl rose was doing his thing and carrie was bobbing her head to the music. (great.) shortly after the song ended, a boy (yes, a boy) that couldn't have been older than 20, came out into the waiting room and said, "CARRIEEEEE?" he actually yelled it and looked around. WE WERE THE ONLY ONES THERE! i just stood up and shook my head and gave a little wave. that's us pal...unless there are some invisible patients i don't know about amongst the crowd. (wow.)

i followed the young feller back into a "triage" room...where he proceeded to ask me a ton of questions about carrie. his nametag read "michael barker, medical assistant." i was tempted to call him "mikey"... he looked like a mikey. i answered them the best i could...and two such questions were as follows: 1. how do you take her temperature? (rectally.) 2. is she still breastfeeding? (no.) when i answered both of the aforementioned questions...mikey blushed. (blushed.) pretty sure when you are working in the medical field (using that term loosely at this place)...you should not be blushing when talking about butts and boobs. however, there he was all red faced behaving sheepishly at the mention of carrie's tailgate and my tits. (dear god.) anyway, when scrapper was done with us...we were ushered to another room where he told me dr. frederico would be right with me. now when i heard the doctor's last name...i assumed that it would be a male or female of the hispanic race. (wouldn't you?) but no no, friends...i was proven wildly wrong, when in walked an african american male that was about 6'8 and could easily palm carrie's head with his hand no problem. i probably looked startled...but (pardon me) upon hearing "dr. frederico" i really didn't expect kareem abdul jabbar, MD to walk through that damn door.

he examined carrie and he stated that he "thought" she "probably" had an ear infection. (what?) either she has one or she doesn't...this is not a guessing game here, doc. i made a face. he looked again in her ear. he looked at me and said, "i'm going to go ahead and call in a prescription for amoxicillin." (alright then.) there was a sign on one of the cabinets that stated, "ask us how we can fill your prescriptions while you wait!" so i asked. he stated that they could fill it there, but they don't take insurance (even though they take insurance for the visit) and most cost around 15 dollars to fill. my prescriptions normally cost 5 dollars to fill, so i told him i'd pass. he gave me a squirrelly look. hey. it's a savings of 10 bucks, buddy! (butch would be proud.) he went into the hall and i heard him tell mikey to call it in. as i walked back out into the waiting room, there was one other person sitting there. it was an asian man who looked exactly like mr. miyagi. (wax on. wax off.) he was reading a book entitled, "effective work breakdown structure." (karate < business) he didn't look sick, either. (at all.) i grabbed a lollipop for carrie and got the hell outta there.

i pushed my way out of the big glass doors and after this whole experience, i legitimately felt like i was being punked. i fully expected ashton kutcher to pop out somewhere in the parking lot and tell me he was working on his next show. (seriously.) i strapped carrie in the carseat (looking over my shoulder for cameras) and proceeded to pull out. i parked weird, so i had to make a left instead of a right...causing me to circle the building. as i pulled behind the long strip mall (yes, i said a strip mall)...i saw two of the women from the front desk (weave and mullet, respectively) having a smoke break. they waved at me...and i waved back. (sundae topper right there.) needless to say, i will be following up with my primary pediatrician tomorrow...because who am i kidding, the place didn't leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. hell, i wouldn't have been surprised if doogie howser himself had been around to also lend his medical advice. i proceeded to tell fen about my afternoon adventure and she stated that she also first went to a place such as this a few weeks ago (when she was sick) and they told her to "let it run it's course." well, we all know where that ended...in the EMERGENCY ROOM. oh it ran it's course alright...right to the goddamn ER. (dear lord.)

i will probably be waking up with a sick baby at some point in the evening, but until then...carrie is sleeping soundly in her crib. i administered her first dose of amoxicillin before bed. she was not amused today by dr. jabbar and medical assistant mikey. i, on the other hand, could do nothing but laugh. i couldn't make this shit up if i tried. i truly hope i don't have to visit doctor's "express" anytime soon. alas, i know that things could always be worse. ear infections and express doctors offices are minor in the grand scheme of things. fen is coming over tonight to keep me company and laugh about life. quite certain a box of wine and your best friend are much better than therapy...and cheaper, too. the cast of characters that played out in my life today were nothing short of amazing. tonight i raise my glass to them...because they made my mundane trip to the doctor's office one that i could write home about. in the words of my grandmother: to the lips, to the gums, watch out tummy...here it comes! cheers.

ladybug

this photo was taken at approximately 7:13am one morning this week. my days are starting to blur together, so i can't pinpoint the exact one, but it was one day in the past five days. ella got up and i got her dressed. we came downstairs and i started making breakfast. then, a few minutes later she disappeared, reentered the room and i heard her say, "i want to be a ladybug today." i turned around to see this. (yesss!) this is just another one of those things that they don't tell you in the parenting books: your child will want to be a ladybug. (or insert other creature/superhero/person here.) she then ran around the house flapping her arms saying, "FWAP, FWAP, FWAP!!!" carrie stared at her when she ran by like she lost her mind...and then started flapping her hands and laughing, too. about 10 minutes later, ella decided to retire the ladybug and she was onto the next ridiculous outfit or make believe scheme. as a teacher (and now a mother), i know how very important it is to support and encourage your children no matter how ridiculous their antics seem. (so i do.) if my kid wants to be a ladybug for a day (or 10 minutes), even if it's not halloween...so be it. just look at her face in the picture...it's quite obvious how happy she was with herself.

so this was one morning...the ladybug bit. another morning this week (again, not sure which one),  i was sitting on the floor changing carrie's diaper and ella came over and put pearls around my neck and a tiara on my head. she clapped her hands and said, "ohhhh mommy! you are such a pretty princess!"(i didn't even brush my teeth yet.) she insisted i leave these on...so about a half hour later, there i was making eggs and bacon, sipping my morning coffee decorated like princess diana. i wasn't even wearing a bra...or shoes, but i was adorned in jewels. (awesome.) as a kid, i was never really into the whole princess paraphanalia. i grew up with a brother that was 2 years younger that me who liked to play in the dirt and break shit. when my other brother came along, he was the same way. therefore, i didn't have much time for dress up. so now that i have a kid of my own that is into this stuff, it is quite an adjustment. however, if it makes her happy to see me make breakfast while dressed like royalty...i'm gonna do it. (her happiness is my happiness.) i wore the tiara until we had to run to target. (hey, i'm fun...but i have my limits.)

today at breakfast, carrie kept pointing and grunting (like a monkey) at ella's pirate hat that she made at school yesterday...so i put it on her and she made this face. this picture makes me laugh every time i look at it. if it didn't make you smile, there is something wrong with you. (seriously.) she continued to eat her pancakes...wearing it the whole time, grinning about her head ornament. ella thought it was pretty awesome as well, clapping her hands and laughing her face off. kids find joy in things that we often overlook. (pirate hats included.) ever see how they react to swings, lightening bugs, gummy bears, crayons, bubbles...life, in general? it's just awesome. i wish i could get that excited about...anything! my children remind me everyday that i need to appreciate the little things. that i should get dressed up for no reason, that i should clap and laugh when something is funny, that i should smile whenever possible. things i tend to forget when life's bullshit boils over and bogs me down.

moreover, i think half of the fun of having kids is seeing how they grow and change each day. it's one crazy and ridiculous thing after another. and it happens so damn fast. as parents, we celebrate each and every accomplishment...and that's how it should be. first steps? yay! first word? right on! first time they drop a deuce in the toilet? we are all about that shit. (literally.) we also share these accomplishments with other people and parents...who understand and share our joy. so there we are...all celebrating a turd floating in the toilet. (yippeee!) one time butch and i high fived about a piece of poop. (it's really nuts if you think about it.) anyway, i know ella's days of dressing up like a ladybug are limited. for this reason, i try to enjoy every ridiculous moment for what it is. i try to take pictures. i try to write stuff down. i know that far too soon she will be dressing up, but in a gown and going to...prom. (i just threw up in my mouth a little bit.) this summer gig is almost over for me...i have two weeks left. it has seriously FLOWN. i've lost my mind no less than 327 times the past 6 weeks, but i've enjoyed (almost) every minute of it. soon i will have to trade in my tiara for my teacher attire. until then, i'll wear it with pride along with my pearls...and possibly a pirate hat as well.

weird

ever have a moment in your life when you stop and think, "is this really my life?" yeah...it happens to me a lot. (almost everyday.) however, on friday afternoon when there were 4 kids running around my house, my husband was texting me nonsense from a bachelor party, and my best friend was laid up in the hospital...i repeated that quote over and over again in my head. now as you know, my life is full of craziness most of the time...but this weekend took on a whole new kind of weird. when i woke up friday morning, butch said goodbye, headed to work...and i knew i wouldn't see him until sunday. i got my break last weekend, and he earned his. i actually looked forward to a relaxing weekend of nothing to do. then early in the morning, a good friend called and said they had to put down their family dog. (yuck.) this is one of the things as an adult that i am not looking forward to, at all. (awful.) of course i asked if there was anything i could do...and she said she needed help with their kids. (hence the 4 children in my house, as opposed to 2.) the more the merrier!

meanwhile, fen (who just got back from the dominican republic) has been feeling crappy for a few days and decided it was time to go to the doctor. normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but when she went to the office, he said she was severely dehydrated and needed to go to the ER. (yikes.) i wanted to be there for her, but i had a gaggle of monkeys back at the ranch and thought it was best to not show up at the hospital with my own zoo. therefore, she was texting and calling me most of the day and keeping me posted. turns out she contracted some pathogen that she picked up in the foreign land, and they had to pump her with antibiotics. i have written about the perils of fen before, so i can tell you that i was not surprised by this at all. leaving for vacation perfectly healthy and then winding up with some body attacking pathogen? par for the course for fen. (jesus.) she was all hopped up on morphine at one point and started texing me goofy shit. i said, "are you high?!" she said, "OHHHH YEAH BABY!" (dear god.) finally, her boyfriend came down to give her a ride from the hospital...but not before snapping a picture and emailing it to me, telling me that they had to cut off both of her legs. (not funny!)

subject line: cutting off legs.

the kids were being wild and acting crazy as usual, at about 4pm i was wondering if was acceptable to tap the box of wine that i got for the weekend. meanwhile, i got a text from butch stating that he had arrived at the bachelor party at the beach...and was drinking scotch at seacrets. (easy johnny walker.) i said, "who the hell drinks scotch at a beach bar?! how old are you?" he replied, "it's the best bang for your buck!" (surprised he didn't have a coupon.) i didn't have many requests for warren before he left for his trip...only two. they are as follows: 1. don't get arrested. 2. don't die. he's gone away before on trips and i've stated that it's kind of like letting a wild animal out of a cage. he usually goes ape shit. (see bachelor for more about this) also, he also somehow falls into crazy shit. (everytime.) he was eager to tell me on that one of the guys hired a stripper. (oh good.) some girls get wound up about that kind of stuff...i am not one of those girls. (who cares.) he also mentioned that she smacked him with a belt. he was laughing hysterically about this upon telling me...like a hyena. (dear god.)

ape shit. 

so friday night, the i got the kids to bed and indulged in a bubble bath, a book, and my box of wine. (classy.) i had just gone downstairs and sat on the couch, when our dog started barking. without any warning...my aunt and uncle and another (hilarious) couple blew through the door. (holy hell!) i was drinking wine by myself in my pajamas. apparently i entertained them for an hour, and then snuck off to bed without any warning...leaving them sitting in living room. (i houdini often.) i talked to my uncle the next day and said, "what happened!?" he said, "we sang, we danced, we laughed, we cried...and then you whisked yourself off to bed without any warning." alright then...glad i could be a good host. (yes.) saturday was a little less eventful (less weird.) however, ella chose not to nap in the afternoon and instead serenaded me with songs from across the hall. one of the songs was about poop. (a whole song about poop.) carrie also just randomly started walking around that morning. (for the first time ever!) she also decided to wake up in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. i brought her in bed with me and she was flailing around like a 20 lb sack of potatoes that grew arms and legs. at one point, she headbutted me in the mouth/nose. i saw stars. (and they weren't the ones in the sky.)

this morning, despite the heat...i decided that i really needed to get out for a run. note to self: when embarking on a 4 mile run, while pushing 50+ pounds...10am is not a good time to leave to "beat the heat." moreover, you will almost puke on the side of the road and sweat so much you can't see. (it was not good.) i didn't go to church on sunday morning, but you can bet your sweet ass i was talking to jesus. i know summer is supposed to be hot...but this weather is pretty extreme. someone please tell me when i moved to...hell. i swear that the devil was on my shoulder whispering sweet nothings in my ear. (enough is enough.) anyway, i wrapped up my run and when i got home i looked like i jumped in the bay along the way. (drenched.) i came around to unstrap ella and she said, "eww...my dosh. you are sooo fetty mommy. it's gross." (thanks, babe.) i made lunch (orders up!), and wouldn't you know it...warren blew in the door early. (he was shirtless.) i didn't expect him back until later tonight. he said he had, "had it..." with the whole thing and was ready to come home this morning. (maturing, maybe?) he looked rough...but he wasn't in jail or dead, so i was happy to see him. i was also happy that this wacky weekend seemed to be wrapping up.

somewhere between fen's body attacking pathogen and almost passing out on the side of the road, i was ready for this weekend to be over. i'm ready to get back into the routine tonight of sipping out of my box of wine and watching dateline. (livin the dream.) i'm glad to report that fen is feeling much better...and she will be able to keep both of her legs. (not funny.) warren is alive and well, and has many a tales to tell from the weekend. (no jailtime, though.) i am slowly recovering from heat exhaustion due to my ambitious run this morning...and my children are still happily making messes and making us nuts. my house looks like a cyclone hit it, and there are about 42 loads of laundry to do. but i did get to go to the grocery store this afternoon, without using the racecar cart. when i got home from there, butch was getting out of the shower and i said, "another shower?" (he already had one.) he then said (and i quote), "apparently you can't wash off drunk."(awesome.)  so much for a relaxing weekend with nothing to do...however, i wouldn't want it any other way. weird weekend commence...and onto another weird week, i'm sure. is this really is my life? yes, i believe it is. godspeed and good riddance to all those involved.

happy

never did i ever think that i would be using one of these crazy carts at the grocery store. however, this morning when i took the kids as their only adult chaperone, that's just what i did. i ran into no less than 8 displays...and ella laughed her head off as a ricocheted into a display of dishsoap. (amongst other things.) then exclaimed, "oh no! do you know where you are going?!" not really, kid...but apparently i took a one way ticket to mommyville and there is no turning back now. (crazy carts included.) the thing is, this is one of the many things i didn't think i would be doing before i became a mother. other things, such as (but not limited to); wiping snot off my kid's nose with my bare hand, sleeping upright for a whole night because my kid was congested and couldn't breathe, scooping poop out of the tub with a bucket...all things i never expected would happen. but here we are. i used to laugh at the people trying to maneuver the car carts around the grocery store, and as i slammed into a rack of ravioli...i realized the joke is now on me. (cripes.)

meanwhile, the kids were loving it. they thought it was the best thing ever...and really, that's what it boils down to. as long as your kids are happy, you are happy...no matter how ridiculous you may feel. as i was perusing the produce, ella was naming the fruits she wanted. carrie was enthralled with what was going on...i can tell, because she was picking her nose. (yes!) i grabbed some apples and as i turned around, there was a guy that worked at the store standing right behind me. i'm a horrible judge of age, but he had that "i just graduated from high school" swagger about him. he started talking to me about how good the peaches were and that i had to try them...and then he started throwing out words such as, "delicious" and "luscious" while raising his eyebrows at me. oh my god...is this kid really hitting on me? it's 10am on a monday morning and my kids are staring at you from a racecar cart...you really wanna go there dude? i told him i had already picked up some of the peaches, and he should try grilling them sometime. he exclaimed, "grilling them!? i guess that's like making a pie?" i stared at him then said, "no, i've never grilled a pie, actually...so i don't think it's anything like that, but we can pretend it is." he laughed. (good lord.)

i walked away from high school harry and ella said, "who IS dat guy?" i told her, "a peach expert."(complete with his own peach fuzz.) she smiled. we made it to the checkout without any incidents out of my children...except for one. at one point, carrie was trying to grab ella's steering wheel and ella was straight arming her and saying, "nooo tarrrie! you drive your own wheel now!" there were a few screams...which prompted me to open the bag of american cheese i just got from the deli and give each kid a slice. (they're happy, i'm happy.) i got everything up on the conveyor belt, and the cashier said, "you can swipe your card now." so i did. up on the screen pops..."DECLINED." (oh shit.) she said, "it seems your card is expired." i looked at it and sure enough it expired july 1st. i did get the new one in the mail, but never activated it. i only had one other card with me, and knew there wasn't enough money in that account to cover the bill. thank god for technology at this point, cause i got on my phone and transferred some funds to the other account. there was an older man behind me and he was devil glaring me. i think he thought i was, like, playing word games on my phone or something. the cashier was yelling, "we aren't going to have to put all THIS STUFF BACK ARE WE!?" (oh hell.) everything went through, i ran the card and all was good...as i was doing all this though, ella was asking 23487 questions. "why you on your phone!? tan i have more cheese? what you doing, mommy?! are you going to pay the lady!? and....where is dat PEACH guy?" (SERENITY NOW!)

let's just say, when i got home from the store...i was relieved. however, i had about 237 things to do back on the range. (disaster area.) when i arrived back last night from my mini beach vacation, i came to discover that my husband's college roommate had been in town for a visit. (along with his 4 year old.) our house resembled a frat house...of the toddler variety. (kappa tappa toys R us.) shit. was. everywhere. i swear that every toy in the entire house was pulled out of every closet in every room. hell, there was a full sized tent set up in the LIVING ROOM. the dishes were piled high, sippy cups (and after bedtime beer bottles), were piled on the counters. it was a mess. i didn't say much about it to butch except, "this house." he said, "i didn't do it." (ok then.) here's the thing about guys, most of them are not great multitaskers. they have one goal and stick to it. butch's goal while i was away was, "keep the kids happy and alive." other than that, nothing else matters. now don't get me wrong, when the kids are home with me...they are also always my first priority. however, there are also about a billion other things that have to get done as well. (dishes, laundry, cleaning...to name a few.) mothers have to be marvelous multitaskers. if you aren't, your house goes to shit...and ends up looking like a toddler frat house. (exhibit a...this weekend.)

although the house was a wreck, that was minor to me. (small stuff.)  i was just happy to be able to get away for a few days. butch attained his goal...kids were both happy and alive when i arrived back home. i spent sunday morning laying on the beach soaking up the sun, and monday morning pushing a racecar cart around the grocery store with expired credit cards in my purse. although i'd much rather be doing the former, i know that i chose to be a mother and chose this day to day nonsense over everything else. (and i'm okay with that.) moreover, i'm sure as they both grow up, there will be many more "never have i ever" thoughts that go through my head. unlike my credit cards, my one way ticket to mommyville will never expire. during their naptime, i put the house back in order. then i did no less than 24 loads of laundry. and although i felt super ridiculous steering that absurd cart around the grocery store this morning...i will not forget ella's high pitched laugh when i accidentally rammed into stuff. (her laugh is the best.) so we will keep laughing, keep making messes, keep chugging along...and keep hoping that everyone is happy. (and alive.) cause i'm pretty sure that's all that really matters in the end.

headlock

ella had carrie in a headlock wednesday morning. like, a real one. i was in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast and i heard screams from both of them. i turned around to see my three year old choking out my one year old. i yelled, "yoooooo, what's going on here!?" ella squealed, "she has my tardddddddd. (card.)" i yelped, "let go of your sisters neck and WHAT card!?" you may have also asked yourself what magical card this must've been to have one child perform wrestling moves on another. you know the game memory? the one with 42 cards and you have to find the matches? they were surrounded by a sea of these cards from the game...and they were fighting over ONE of them. (carrie had a death grip on it and would not let go.) i pulled it out of her kung fu chubby paw and yelled, "that's IT! no ONE gets the CARD!" (oh my god, i'm turning into my mother.) i cleaned up all 42 of the cards and put them back in the box...as the two of them screamed bloody murder like i just stabbed the family dog with a pencil.  this was before 8am. before my coffee. before i had my bearings straight. nothing says good morning and welcome to your day like one child squeezing the life out of the other...over a game card.

now let me say...this is just a 3 minute segment out of a whole week of shenanigans out of these two. yesterday they decided to shit their pants 5 times between the two of them. FIVE. they both woke up with a deuce in their drawers and then just kept on crappin' the rest of the day. (what. the. hell.) the fifth one was outta carrie and i said to butch (who had just come home)...this one is all yours. i cannot take any more crap (literally and figuratively) today. the house never fully aired out and it smelled like a goddamn shit factory. (a factory that produces poo.) whenever i would leave and come back in the house, i would just be smacked in the face with the smell of shit. the diapers were outside in the trashcan...but the stench was now embedded in the walls and carpet. this is one of the many things they don't tell you in the parenting books...when you have young children, your house will smell like feces most of the time. between those two turkeys, butch, and the dog...i could own stock in airwick. (seriously.)

this week my husband started working summer school hours in the morning. therefore, he leaves before the kids wake up...and gets home just in time for nap time. (convenient!) yesterday i said to him (yelling  from the kitchen), "i don't know how much more of this stay at home, single mom thing i can take...i love spending time with the girls, but they are NUTS. i think you were right in taking a this job and i think you knew that from the beginning." it got quiet in the living room and then i heard him yell, "SUCKKKAAAAAA!!!" that is not FUNNY. at all. i came around the corner and gave him a dirty look...to which he then laughed his ass off. (not funny, warren.) like i said, i love spending time with my kids...but it's so different than regular work. it's full time, constant care when they are awake (feeding, chasing, playing, changing)...and then when they are asleep, you rush around and try to get all the other household stuff done. (exhausting.) that being said, after a week of doing this alone...i'm spent.

keeping this in mind, mid-week i got a text from one of our close friends, who invited us to the beach. knowing damn well we couldn't get a sitter, i counted it out. however, butch is going out of town next weekend for a bachelor party (yikes.) and so i stated, "what if i just went?" he said, "well i'm going next weekend, so i guess it's only fair." that night, i lost sleep over going. (no joke.) butch has never had our kids two nights in a row by himself. (ever.) i woke up the next morning and said, "are you sure you'll be okay? i know how you are after one night alone...so i'm just making sure." he said, "listen, they will be fine...and if they are crazy i'll just make it rain goldfish and they'll love it." (make it rain GOLDFISH?) he made the motion like he was throwing them over his head. then last night, we were debating on washing ella's hair. (we usually wash it every other night.) her mane is down to her tush and if you don't comb through it, she could put bob marley to shame. (dreads galore.) she screams like a lunatic for most of this process. he said, "trish, you better leave these kids in PRISTINE condition, cause you know they aren't going to get much outta me." (WHAT?!) i yelled what. he then laughed. he went on, "well, i'll take care of them and stuff, but you know it's not gonna be like you do it!" he's a good dad...but he's a man. (men.)

and so today (after breakfast, a playdate, lunch...and probably 3 crappy diapers)...i will embark on my 3 hour journey to the shore. (by myself.) i packed the essentials...a book, a bathing suit, and a cooler of beer. (not much else.) i know that my kids and my husband will be just fine...but i'm also kinda glad that god is on my side. (for real.) on this beach trip, as opposed to last week...i plan on doing nothing. (activate sloth.) i am going to sit with my toes in the water, ass in the sand...you know the rest. i will not cook one meal, will not wipe one ass other than my own, will not pour one sippy cup of anything...this is a glorious feeling in itself. i downloaded a shit ton of music and plan on having every window down, the sunroof open...and singing loudly along the way. (no shame in my game.) mother nature better cooperate. someone please tell her that it's july, not april. (enough with the rain, girlfriend.)

the flip side is, no matter how"free" i will feel this weekend...i will always (always) be thinking about my kids. they always creep into the back of your mind when you least expect it...headlocks and all. they make you nuts, but you love them anyway. (crappy diapers included.) moreover, the beach has a way of restoring balance in your life...it makes you feel small and reminds you to not sweat the small stuff. i'm going to have to bank some of this balance for next week and the following weekend when warren is away. (serenity now!) i made sure the kids were extra clean (pristine) and the cupboards were stocked with goldfish (make it rain!)...and i'm headed to the beach today. (hey, hey!)

vacation

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