headlock

ella had carrie in a headlock wednesday morning. like, a real one. i was in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast and i heard screams from both of them. i turned around to see my three year old choking out my one year old. i yelled, "yoooooo, what's going on here!?" ella squealed, "she has my tardddddddd. (card.)" i yelped, "let go of your sisters neck and WHAT card!?" you may have also asked yourself what magical card this must've been to have one child perform wrestling moves on another. you know the game memory? the one with 42 cards and you have to find the matches? they were surrounded by a sea of these cards from the game...and they were fighting over ONE of them. (carrie had a death grip on it and would not let go.) i pulled it out of her kung fu chubby paw and yelled, "that's IT! no ONE gets the CARD!" (oh my god, i'm turning into my mother.) i cleaned up all 42 of the cards and put them back in the box...as the two of them screamed bloody murder like i just stabbed the family dog with a pencil.  this was before 8am. before my coffee. before i had my bearings straight. nothing says good morning and welcome to your day like one child squeezing the life out of the other...over a game card.

now let me say...this is just a 3 minute segment out of a whole week of shenanigans out of these two. yesterday they decided to shit their pants 5 times between the two of them. FIVE. they both woke up with a deuce in their drawers and then just kept on crappin' the rest of the day. (what. the. hell.) the fifth one was outta carrie and i said to butch (who had just come home)...this one is all yours. i cannot take any more crap (literally and figuratively) today. the house never fully aired out and it smelled like a goddamn shit factory. (a factory that produces poo.) whenever i would leave and come back in the house, i would just be smacked in the face with the smell of shit. the diapers were outside in the trashcan...but the stench was now embedded in the walls and carpet. this is one of the many things they don't tell you in the parenting books...when you have young children, your house will smell like feces most of the time. between those two turkeys, butch, and the dog...i could own stock in airwick. (seriously.)

this week my husband started working summer school hours in the morning. therefore, he leaves before the kids wake up...and gets home just in time for nap time. (convenient!) yesterday i said to him (yelling  from the kitchen), "i don't know how much more of this stay at home, single mom thing i can take...i love spending time with the girls, but they are NUTS. i think you were right in taking a this job and i think you knew that from the beginning." it got quiet in the living room and then i heard him yell, "SUCKKKAAAAAA!!!" that is not FUNNY. at all. i came around the corner and gave him a dirty look...to which he then laughed his ass off. (not funny, warren.) like i said, i love spending time with my kids...but it's so different than regular work. it's full time, constant care when they are awake (feeding, chasing, playing, changing)...and then when they are asleep, you rush around and try to get all the other household stuff done. (exhausting.) that being said, after a week of doing this alone...i'm spent.

keeping this in mind, mid-week i got a text from one of our close friends, who invited us to the beach. knowing damn well we couldn't get a sitter, i counted it out. however, butch is going out of town next weekend for a bachelor party (yikes.) and so i stated, "what if i just went?" he said, "well i'm going next weekend, so i guess it's only fair." that night, i lost sleep over going. (no joke.) butch has never had our kids two nights in a row by himself. (ever.) i woke up the next morning and said, "are you sure you'll be okay? i know how you are after one night alone...so i'm just making sure." he said, "listen, they will be fine...and if they are crazy i'll just make it rain goldfish and they'll love it." (make it rain GOLDFISH?) he made the motion like he was throwing them over his head. then last night, we were debating on washing ella's hair. (we usually wash it every other night.) her mane is down to her tush and if you don't comb through it, she could put bob marley to shame. (dreads galore.) she screams like a lunatic for most of this process. he said, "trish, you better leave these kids in PRISTINE condition, cause you know they aren't going to get much outta me." (WHAT?!) i yelled what. he then laughed. he went on, "well, i'll take care of them and stuff, but you know it's not gonna be like you do it!" he's a good dad...but he's a man. (men.)

and so today (after breakfast, a playdate, lunch...and probably 3 crappy diapers)...i will embark on my 3 hour journey to the shore. (by myself.) i packed the essentials...a book, a bathing suit, and a cooler of beer. (not much else.) i know that my kids and my husband will be just fine...but i'm also kinda glad that god is on my side. (for real.) on this beach trip, as opposed to last week...i plan on doing nothing. (activate sloth.) i am going to sit with my toes in the water, ass in the sand...you know the rest. i will not cook one meal, will not wipe one ass other than my own, will not pour one sippy cup of anything...this is a glorious feeling in itself. i downloaded a shit ton of music and plan on having every window down, the sunroof open...and singing loudly along the way. (no shame in my game.) mother nature better cooperate. someone please tell her that it's july, not april. (enough with the rain, girlfriend.)

the flip side is, no matter how"free" i will feel this weekend...i will always (always) be thinking about my kids. they always creep into the back of your mind when you least expect it...headlocks and all. they make you nuts, but you love them anyway. (crappy diapers included.) moreover, the beach has a way of restoring balance in your life...it makes you feel small and reminds you to not sweat the small stuff. i'm going to have to bank some of this balance for next week and the following weekend when warren is away. (serenity now!) i made sure the kids were extra clean (pristine) and the cupboards were stocked with goldfish (make it rain!)...and i'm headed to the beach today. (hey, hey!)