nothing says have a long and successful marriage like blow job shots and penis shaped lollipops. moreover, when the bride pulled anal beads out of a gift bag...i knew she was headed for wedded bliss. (ohmygod.) they weren't just any anal beads...they were anal beads for beginners. (they make those?) i've stated before the absurdity of women's rituals regarding bridal & baby showers and things such as bachelorette parties...but wow. don't get me wrong, this shower and party were a super good time. (awesome.) but there we sat and ooh'd and ahh'd at towels and tupperware...and then went out and got wound up. i'm not gonna lie, i was kinda hoping for a stripper. never saw one of those live before and i had the go hard or go home mentality. have a happy marriage...here is another man's weiner to look at! (what?!) just doesn't make much sense. that all being said, it was nice to take a mini vacay from mommy world for a minute and act like an adult...anal beads included.
yesterday morning, i had words with warren before i left. even though this has been on the calendar for months...he still gets pissed when i go do things. mainly, because he has to actually do shit. shit like feed and entertain the kids. shit like change diapers and clean up messes. (shit that i usually do most of the time.) so when he gave me hell for wanting to take his (much smaller) car...rather than my mommy mobile, i went off. we don't argue very often, but he does get hyper about certain things (other than his razor). his phone, his computer, and his car are the three things he has a "mine" mentality about. (guys are weird.) i won that battle, but not after he got his big boy britches in a wad. i was making breakfast for him the girls during this and all i could think about was the fact that i wouldn't have to make food for anyone for the next 4 meals. in the past three weeks of being out of school, we've gone out twice to eat. therefore, i've made 61 meals. (i did the math.) SIXTY one. short order cook is for the birds. one morning i made butch a dippy egg sandwich and he mentioned that the yolk was not "dippy" enough for him. MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN DIPPY EGGS THEN, DICKHEAD! i did not yell that, but i wanted to. (really bad.) instead i smiled and hoped for salmonella poisoning from my next batch.
i packed one small bag, hopped in his little car, put the windows down, and turned the music way up. (these are little things that you take for granted when you don't have kids.) whenever i leave the house for a trip, i kinda feel like i'm escaping an insane asylum. like they are going to come and find me and bring me back. one time i mentioned this to fen and she said, "the little one can't walk and ella still shits her pants...i think you are good." i asked butch if he ever felt this way and he said, "every day of my life, when i leave for work." oh good, glad we are all on the same page here. it's just constant craziness with these children. (nuts.) my parents were out of town, so i had an entire house to myself. it was quiet, it was peaceful, it was perfect...and then 3 of my friends showed up, with 3 large bottles of wine. we had planned on having dinner on the patio, with a glass of wine. after the first glasses were poured, they all said that they weren't hungry. experience has taught me, that if you want to go out boozin' for an extended period of time...you need to start with a good base. i've learned the hard way over the years. so, i tried to talk all of them into ordering food...but no one would listen. i was actually trying to be the voice of reason...imagine that. they sipped their wine and started to get silly instead. cheers, ladies. someone is gonna puke by 7pm.
we wrapped up our pregaming session and walked out the door. fen's sister was our DD at this point, cause it's normal to need a DD for a pregaming session. (great.) we arrived at the bar and had a grand old time whooping it up. a lot of ridiculous things happened, but thankfully no one threw up before the sun went down. someone then made the decision to go to the local fire company (we call this the "hosey") to continue the festivities. some guy a friend of mine knows had a ridiculously large jeep and offered us a ride...so i did what every other country girl would do. i jacked up my dress and climbed in the back. he then mentioned loudly that he may or may not have seen where my babies came from. (sorry about that.) things started to get a little fuzzy at this point and sometime after ordering a round of beers, i decided that i was done. (lights out.) a friend of mine handed me his keys and i went outside to take a little nap (pass out) in his truck. i went down like frazier in a fight. that morning, i woke up and rolled over in (a strange) bed...and i saw my girlfriend's blonde hair. i was wearing my dress from the night before, but was very thankful i had clothes on. she was also still in her dress from the night before. i think it's awesome that DOMA was shot down, but i was hoping that i didn't celebrate by batting for the other team. (holy hell.) i saw my phone and wristlet on the nightstand, and i had my shoes off...so i thought that i had gotten there by myself. (i was wrong.) i found out later that one of my guy friends had to fireman carry me into the room. (thanks, pal.) i rode the hot mess express and did it well.
after gathering my bearings, i texted butch. i just said, "how are you?" he wrote back (and i quote), "ella was up at 2 and 4am with a fever and carrie woke up with a shitty diaper. not sure when she dropped the deuce." (ah gees.) carrie was sick all last week and is on antibiotics, so i guess now ella got what she has. (awesommmmmeee.) i felt like hell and didn't even want to think about going home to two sick children...but motherhood called, and i have no choice but to answer. (jesus take the wheel.) my friend stated that she wanted to cry or vomit thinking about her upcoming two hour drive. i also shared her sentiments. when i arrived home, both kids were still in their pajamas, butch was wearing only boxers, and they were laying on the living room floor watching mickey mouse do his thing. all three of them acted like i'd been gone for a week. butch stated that our children eat a lot, crap a lot, and make a lot of messes. (yes, i am aware.) and so, it's back to dippy eggs and diapers tomorrow morning. i also have to pack up the car for an upcoming beach trip. one bag will turn into 23, the SUV will need to be taken, the windows will be up, and the music will be down. however, seeing my children smile when they first see the ocean will be worth it...and i'll be smiling, too. trading in penis shaped lollipops for pacifiers? priceless. now someone please pass the wine.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
stones
mick jagger is an animal. seriously. an animal. the man is 69 years old, i am 31...and i was tired just watching him. it is quite clear, though, why he is still rocking after all these years (and doing it well, i might add). it's because he loves it. i think if you love what you do, it doesn't matter if you are 31 or 69...you are gonna be good at it. i wonder how many times he played the songs that he played last night. thousands maybe? however, he played them like it was his first concert. (just awesome.) i also couldn't help but wonder how much ass this guy has gotten in his lifetime. (a lot, i'm sure.) i heard on the radio one time that researchers did a study and found that music can alter your mood. well, no shit. they had to do "research" for that? just turn on your favorite tunes and the proof is there. (music rocks.) anyway...no shortage of shenanigans out of our experience. first of all, we parked in a maze of a parking garage and met up with a bunch of other stone heads that were going to the concert. when we climbed onto the elevator...they were cracking jokes about how they were actually going to a justin bieber concert. all of them were chuckling. maybe they were making fun of me?...who knows. (or cares.) then, we were paying for parking and a woman said to me, "is this your very first stones concert?!" i said, "yes! yours?" she was proud to tell me it was her fourth. she was eyeballing my dad like he was robbing the craddle. i said, "this is my dad." (i am not dating him.) she looked relieved. (easy lady.)
as we emerged out of the parking garage, my old man turned to me and said, "you do have the tickets, don't you?" shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. (um. nope!) i told him to stay there and i would run back down to the car. he looked concerned and acted as if i wasn't going to come back. (houdini. i have been known to do this from time to time.) luckily, i found the car without any issues (had to hit the lock a few times to honk the horn to find it) and we went to a pizza joint across from the venue to have some beer and food. it was at this point that i started to get a little wound up. i wasn't hungry because it was like 4 thousand degrees outside. however, he forced me to order food and when i said, "i'll have a slice of pizza." he said, "just ONE? i'm NOT carrying you out of there (pointing at the concert center) so you better EAT!" (31. still getting lectures.) fen and her cheerleader boyfriend were also going to the concert, so they met up with us for some beers. i rushed everyone to the door at 7pm, even though the concert didn't start til 8. so instead of paying $12 for a pitcher of beer, now we were paying 16 dollars...for two. they were pissed.
an hour later, we got to our seats. and although i paid a pretty penny for them...i'm pretty sure i saw jesus float by. i could've had a private conversation with him. (we were that high.) also, it was steep up there in the nosebleed section. (really steep.) after a few beers, i know my dad feared that i would topple right down over the edge. (i'm very graceful.) it was right before the show started that he decided we should try to get closer. i am also a rebel and like decisions such as these. (apple meets tree.) so we went down 3 floors and had several failed attempts...then we found an opening and i darted. we made it down below. i wasn't close enough to lick mick's face or anything...but i would now have to yell (rather than whisper) to jesus. most of the people at the concert were my dad's age...except for several people on motorized scooters that whipped by me while waiting in the lobby. (not even kidding.) the guy that was sitting behind us told me that it was his tenth (TENTH!) time seeing the stones. he also mentioned that his legs and back hurt just standing there and he had no idea how jagger does what he does. (me neither, pal.)
the concert itself was epic. i grew up listening to my dad's music. (good music.) bands like the stones, led zepplin, the who, CCR, lynyrd skynryd, the list goes on. jagger did not disappoint. this 69 year old man threw. down. his energy is palpable and so was the energy in the building. he was just as pumped to be there as the people who came to see him. one of the encore songs was you can't always get what you want. (one of my all time favorite songs.) as my dad and i sang and danced along, i couldn't help but wonder if my own children would be able to have the same experience with me someday. not with the stones (cause he'll be dead), obviously, but something similar. (and not bieber, either.) it is an experience i will never forget. we made our way back to the parking garage after the show...and i pulled up my map app in my phone. (george prefers map quest printed directions.) he was driving, i was navigating. at that point, i couldn't navigate my way out of a paper bag. (terrible idea.) i got us lost several times, but on a scenic note, we saw the washington monument...three different times. (yes!) he was getting angry with me, but the $8 beers were making me think this was funny rather than a big deal. i laughed. a lot. (he was not laughing.) he was rubbing his head and highly irritated. somehow we made it out of DC and home. but not before i had him pull over so i could pee on the side of the road. (honkytonk woman.)
and so, back to life and back to reality today. ella started her first day at the local preschool (a couple mornings a week). where the hell did the time go? seriously, i can't take how big she is getting. you blink and your kid is going to school. (or going to a stones concert with you.) also, carrie has a 102.2 fever and won't stop crying. (poor thing.) pretty sure it's her teeth, but it's hi ho hi ho it's off to the pediatrician i go. i told butch all about the concert this morning and he then told me that he didn't feel like making dinner last night for himself...so he just ate about 30 blocks of cheese instead. (he said thirty.) he also said that he "cracked the code" for redbox and we can now get free movies whenever we want. he "rented" one for us tonight...for free. (he's pumped.) however, pretty sure i will be up most of the night with carrie...pumped about that. (not.) motherhood gives you the good, the bad, and the ugly...whether you want it or not. quite certain at some point, i'll be talking to jesus tonight...too bad it won't be from the nosebleed section at the stones concert. however, whether it be singing with jagger or talking with jesus...you may not always get what you want, but you always get what you need. true story.
Friday, June 21, 2013
summer
first of all, as a stay at home summer mother...i turn into a short order cook. i have to prepare every meal for everyone in the house. and this is not freakin' mcdonalds people...you can not have it your way. i try my best to appease the portly husband, the tiara adorned toddler, and the chunky baby...but most days, it's hard. also, i feel like as soon as i'm done cleaning up breakfast...it's time for lunch. as soon as lunch is over, it's almost time for dinner. short order cook is not my bag. (it blows.) last night i "forgot" to take the chicken out of the freezer in the morning (for dinner) so we went out instead. (and by "forgot" i mean forgot on purpose.) also, since we are in the house (or yard) all day...my children are like baby wrecking balls. messes galore. i swear my 3 year old and 1 year old can shit up the house faster than my entire kindergarten class could. (toys, everywhere.) i was putting everything into the toy box yesterday and i looked up and carrie was pulling things out of the toy box...and throwing them over her head. i said, "WHAT THE....?" and she laughed her little head off. they know how ridiculous this is. (they do.) i said, "mommy is putting the toys INTO the toy box. please help me!" she then chucked a lincoln log at my cranium and chuckled to herself. (damn you, baby.)
another issue is this...i'm not used to spending so much "quality time" with my husband. i love the guy. (really.) but for the love of all things holy...all day, everyday time together is not good for anyone involved. after week one, i kinda want to inflict bodily harm. (on him.) the thing about butch is this...he has severe ADHD. i mean, he is not clinically diagnosed of anything and i am not a doctor...but i know this about him. (i've known it for years.) he gets sidetracked very easily. if he's not focused...weeding the flower bed turns into building a pond in the backyard. setting up a swingset turns into planning a trip to disney world. so when he said he was going to "clean up the backyard" and i looked out to see him shop vaccing the grill..i was not shocked. i was cleaning up breakfast and glanced out....and thought, "wow." ella was naked in the sandbox and carrie was shirtless in the shrubbery...so i opened the door and said, "what the hell are you doing?!" he yelled back over the hum of the beast, "CLEANING the grill! what does it look like?!" (it looks like you have issues, that's what it looks like.) i just said, "oh." and went back inside. (boys are weird.)
the last thing is this...as stated previously, carrie started sleeping throughout the night quite recently. so, i've spent the past year waking up with her periodically throughout the night. (a YEAR.) now that she is consistently sleeping straight through...it's kinda like a rebirth for me. an awakening if you will. when i lay my head down on that pillow at night, i know that she probably won't wake up. therefore, i can imbibe in several adult beverages, go to bed fuzzy, and know that mommy duties will not be compromised. this is a big deal. i've been enjoying beverages with my bearded beau in the backyard nightly...and i have to say that it's nice. although i'm not getting shit canned wasted, i'm not sipping cautiously on my chardonnay, either. i'm enjoying myself and enjoying my summer....and goddamnit, i think i deserve it. last summer i had just given birth to my sweet little one and she was screaming in my eardrum. this summer she is sleeping quietly in her crib. (amen.) although we are still waking up at half past an ass crack...it's better than waking up 3 times a night AND half past and ass crack. (thank god.)
alright, so i'm having short order cook, housemaid, and housewife problems...not much other than that. (thus far.) summertime is a sweet time...and it should be for all of you working people as well. you have vacations planned (sun, sand? yes.), people get married (who doesn't love a good wedding?), the sun is shining (i love that bright bastard.), and most normal humans are generally more pleasant. so live it up and drink it down, cause before you know it...winter will be slapping us in the face with a snowball again. lay on the beach, raise your glass to the bride and groom, enjoy the sun and warm weather. dance and play. embrace the good things in your life and force out the things that suck. (don't worry, be happy...as stated by mr. marley.) smile, laugh, drink, eat, and soak up the sun. most importantly, please don't sucker punch me in my lady parts. come the end of august, i will be back on level playing field...and we will all equally hate our lives again. until then...cheers you saucy bitches. summer rules and boys with shop vacs drool.
 |
| dance moves at a recent wedding. it didn't end well. |
Saturday, June 15, 2013
ridiculous
i have started no less than 62 household projects in my first week home from school. butch was still working, so it was me and the kids...and they did stuff, too. ella helped me clean out my closet by wearing a pair of my heels and hiding in a rubbermaid container. carrie helped me vacuum every room, because the noise scares her and i have to hold her while doing it. over the course of the school year, i have to let certain things go in regards to cleaning...it's either let it go, or lose my mind. (i choose the former.) however, housework has definitely taken a backseat since i've had kids as well. my cleaning neurosis has had to calm the hell down, but dirtiness still disgusts me. that show hoarders? i can't even watch. those people are gross. if you are hoarder reading this right now, put down the phone or computer and go clean your damn house. or burn it down and start over. (sick.) one time i flipped it on for a second and one woman was saving the seeds from a rotten pumpkin because she "needed them"....you don't need pumpkin seeds lady, you need help. (end rant.)
so anyway, i've been busy. i don't like to sit still unless i'm on a beach with a beer in one hand and a book in the other. so although i'm hoping that happens sometime this summer, this week it did not. this being said, thursday had to be one of the most ridiculous days ever. it started off at about 5:43 when butch came flying out of the bathroom. (i was still in bed.) he had a razor in his hand and he was holding out in front of him. i rolled over and opened my eyes and he said, "did you, or did you not use this on your vagina." (oh no.) "trish, this was in the shower, not in my bag. so did you use it?" now, i cannot be the only woman who occasionally steals her husband's razor. usually though, i remember to put it back in his dop kit because of incidents such as these. (he. went. off.) i started laughing. hysterically. "YOU don't understand! i use this on my FACE! it's like rubbing your VAGINA all over my FACE." (holy hell.) he was whisper yelling because the kids were still asleep...and he knew damn well that if he woke them up, the razor was going to be the least of his worries. i uttered sorry, rolled over and continued laughing as he lathered his face had no choice but to use the lady part razor.
so he left for work, the kids woke up shortly after that...and then i received a text from fen. we were supposed to have a storm blow into town. (the dreaded derecho.) so fen took extra precautions like putting away her lawn furniture...and wrapping her bed in plastic. this may sound strange to most normal people...but the last time there was a wicked storm, a tree went through her roof and two branches blasted through her bedroom ceiling. i was not shocked when this happened. (at all.) this shit happens to her all the time. and so, with the derecho making it's way up the coast...she chose to be proactive and chose to bubblewrap her bed. her text said, "bring it derecho!" and included this picture.
after coffee, cartoons, and a good laugh about her nonsense...i got crackalackin on my to do list. but first i pulled back the curtains in the living room and saw this.
butch had told me that he "installed" the air conditioning unit the night before. by "install" i didn't realize that he used a roll of duct tape. you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy. i just stared at it for a minute, while shaking my head. i put the curtain back down and moved on. (i had no words.) i went into the bathroom and started cleaning. i pulled everything out and in the very back of the one closet cubby, i found a walgreens bag. i opened it and found this inside.
there was no question in my mind what had happened. warren got these for free with a coupon, knew i would freak out because we don't have any use for them, and hid them in the closet. closet couponer. just like the pumpkin seed lady...he has issues. when i asked him about them after work, he got a little flustered and said, "they were free!" again, i just shook my head...and when i went to throw them in the trash he WIGGED. OUT. so, if anyone needs poligrip or potassium gluconate...i got your back.
so as i'm working in the bathroom, my phone rings. it was my 19 year old brother (who is spending the summer in west virginia with some friends) and he wanted to facetime. i answered even though i was still in my pajamas, glasses on, hair in messy bun on top of my head...and covered in cleaning products. it was about 12:30pm, and when he popped up on the screen...it was evident that he hadn't been out of bed yet. (because he was still in bed.) he talked to carrie and ella for a little while and then he said, "i need to talk to you about something." i never know what is going to come out of this kid's mouth. one thing is more ridiculous than the next. (he did not disappoint.) he said, "sooooo....i'm kinda out of money." (i thought he was going to ask for some. he didn't.) he went on, "so today i'm going to donate some PLASMA." (no words.) i then said,"so you are selling your blood for money?" and then made a face. (a face that said, "have you lost your effing mind?!") he lost it on the other end, like almost dropped the phone because he was laughing so bad. i continued, "so how much do you get for that?" he said, "i dunno....like 20 bucks." i went off, "TWENTY BUCKS!? that's IT!? you are selling your BLOOD for 20 dollars?!" again, he had a hard time getting his shit together...but when he caught his breath he corrected me and said it wasn't his blood, it was just his PLASMA. (cause that makes it better.) when i hung up the phone, i was still shaking my head. (my god.)
this particular day wrapped up when warren walked in the door and i asked him to watch the girls so i could go up and grab a shower. he said two things to me...1. that i was now BANNED (yelled it.) from his razor. and 2. he also needed a shower because he played volleyball at school and if i smelled his ballsack, i would throw up. (his words.) one ridiculous thing after the other. between the plastic and poligrip or the ballsack and blood...if this is any indication of how my summer is going to go, i like it. i've said before that i enjoy nonsense. it seems to find me as well. i live with it. (everyday.) one week down and 7 more to go. bring it summer of twenty thirteen. bring. it.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
one
a close friend of mine (and mother of 3) once told me that she felt the first birthday of a child should also be a celebration for the parents...because the parents survived that first year. i agree with this statement. the first year of a child's life is brutal. not brutal for them, of course...but brutal for the people that have to take care of these needy little creatures. think about it, they can't do anything for themselves, especially the first couple of months. nothing. (not one thing.) they depend on you for food, comfort...and cleaning up their shitty diapers. and here's the thing...in the beginning, these shenanigans are around the clock. it doesn't end at 9pm, you get a good 8 hours rest and then you do it over again. you have to be on your game 24 hours a day. babies don't wear watches...and they don't give a hoot whether it is 2pm or 2am. if they are hungry...you better feed them. (now.)
after the first three months...things do tend to get a little easier. they start sleeping longer stretches of time, they don't need to eat every two minutes...they don't crap every time they finish a meal. it does get easier. however, it's not an effing johnson and johnson commercial at all. even with carrie (who was a proclaimed "easy" baby) i wasn't washing her slowly and deliberately with a warm wash cloth, with my manicured nails, as i brushed a strand of clean hair out of my makeup covered face...while the baby cooed and babbled from the bubbly water. it was more like i was leaned over a bathtub in the same clothes i was wearing the night before, greasy hair plastered to my head and no makeup at all...as she sometimes screamed through the whole thing. they should show the real shit in the commercials...but i bet they wouldn't sell as much of their tear free soap as they would like.
i will say that the first year ride was much easier with my second child, than with my first. i don't know if i was less anal and more laid back...or if she was just a unicorn. (see unicorn) either way, i didn't want to swan dive off the bay bridge nearly as many times (during the first year), with carrie as i did with ella. (ella was very demanding...i can't blame her, so am i.) carrie is very laid back, but just started sleeping consistently through the night in the last 3 weeks. right in time for the last weeks of school. (awesome timing, kid.) i've said before that i kinda put the middle of the night duties on myself from the very beginning. 1. because butch doesn't have breasts. and 2. he's useless in the middle of the night. 3. it was just easier to do it myself. however, when month 8 rolled around and she was still yelling at us from the across the hall...i was on the brink of losing my mind. (and i did. several times.) usually i would feed her, put her back down...and then come back and "accidentally" kick him in the nutsack while climbing back into bed. my favorite is that most mornings, he would have to ask if she got up. finally i told him to just quit asking. (or get a well deserved punch in the teeth.) he stopped asking.
sleep is so important. if you don't believe me....set your alarm like 4 different times throughout the night, wake up, then try to go back to sleep. then wake up for the day and try to function like a normal human. it doesn't work. (brutal.) eventually though, you do get used to this asinine way of life and you depend of caffeine (or crack) to get you through the day. it becomes the new normal...and you just deal with it, because you really don't have another choice. even when they are sleeping (daytime or nighttime)...you are at the ready for them to wake up, because they are going to need something. they can't feed themselves, they can't use the bathroom, they can't vocalize what they want and they need shit. (all. the. freakin.' time.) it can be exhausting...but as you near the finish line of first year, they become a bit more self sufficient. they need less things, not as many times during the day...and you start to feel like a normal person again. by normal i mean not normal, though. (parenting makes you bat shit crazy.)
the thing is, no matter how much of a pain in the ass your children are...you love them unconditionally. they can take you to the very edge of reason, but at the end of the day (and sleepless night)...there is no other love like it. you can't love anything more than you love your child. they show you what real love is. it is one of the most pure and unbelievable things. (ever.) so although this past year has passed quickly (and sometimes painfully)...we survived. carrie has changed from a tiny newborn to a happy, bubbly, laughing, big-boned baby. (her thighs are just awesome.) she (along with her crazy counterpart) has brought more joy and happiness to my life than i could imagine. so after she finished her cupcake with one candle, butch bathed her with johnson and johnson, and i laid her down to bed...i came downstairs and poured myself one large stemless glass of (boxed) wine. happy first birthday carrie paige...cheers to both of us surviving the past year. may you have many more birthdays to celebrate...and many more years to make me crazy.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
kindergarten
i always know when summer is right around the corner...cause clothing becomes optional in my house. my kids refuse to wear clothes in the heat, and my husband is usually shirtless as well. as soon as we get home from the sitter, ella strips down and runs out in the backyard. carrie is only (almost) one and starts pulling at her clothes like, "get them the hell off of me." so i just go with it. if my kids want to be naked in the backyard all summer...who cares. (i have bigger fish to fry.) and as for butch, i don't know if it's a guy thing or what...but shirtless is the cool thing to do in his world. i usually find his shirts (and shorts, sometimes) all over the house. living room or laundry room? sometimes i just don't know. anyway, the beginning of summertime is always a bittersweet time of year for me. although i am super mega pumped to be off of work for 3 months (who wouldn't be?), i do know that i am truly going to miss the children that i just spent the last 180 days with. they become part of my daily routine, my daily life, and although they aren't my own...i will miss them. on the other hand, i am very excited to spend more time with my own (naked) children.
along with being a remarkable pain in the ass, kids are also just awesome. they find the best in everything. they get overly excited for things we (as adults) don't normally excited about. they find the wonder in everything. somewhere along the line, we get jaded and cynical...and it sucks. we forget how much fun it is to laugh until our belly hurts, roll down a grassy hill, color with a box of brand new crayons. ever see how they react to an airplane flying overhead? everything stops...and they have to look. (they are utterly amazed.) when do we stop being amazed by stuff like that? when do we stop finding the wonder in everything? a little boy told me today that after his kindergarten program (yesterday), he saw a balloon flying into the sky. he went on to tell me that he watched it until he couldn't see it anymore. i asked him where he thought the balloon went. he didn't even hesitate and said, "TO THE MOON!" (yesssss.)
that all being said, kindergarten is such an integral year in a child's life. it's is the beginning of something big. when i tell people that i teach kindergarten...and they say, "awww...that's just so sweet." or "how nice." i want ram a no. 2 pencil into their jugular. when they say, "do you read stories and wipe noses all day?" i want to poke them in their eyeball with a pair of kid friendly scissors. kindergarten is so much more than that. (it's kinda a big deal.) i teach children how to read, write, and learn. i teach them how to be kind to one another and how to act (and react) in social situations. i teach them how to sit still for more than 5 minutes and focus their attention on one specific thing. i teach them how to use scissors, hold a pencil, and write in a straight line. i teach them shapes, colors, numbers, letters, sounds, and punctuation. so yes, part of my job is wiping noses and kissing injuries...but it's so much more.
yesterday at our end of the year kindergarten program...i asked our principal to read this aloud. (it's one of my favorites.)
All I Ever Really Needed to
Know I Learned in Kindergarten
by Robert Fulgham
Most of what I really need to
know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in
Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but
there in the sandbox at school.
These are the things I
learned:
Share everything. Play fair.
Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash
your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and
dance and play and work some every day.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick
together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The
roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are
all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and
white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do
we.
Think of what a better world
it would be if we all - the whole world had cookies and milk about 3 o’clock
every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a
basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we
found them and cleaned up our own messes.
And it is still true, no
matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold
hands and stick together.
this year, i was explaining something to the kids about using an inside and outside voice. the little boy that was sitting in front of me got startled when i used my "outside" voice...and flew off the back of his chair. (like a cartoon character) after i realized he was alright, i couldn't stop laughing. the kids laughed hysterically as well. they still bring this up, and it happened a good 6 months ago. i just had a child today give a 10 minute demo on the playground as to why he is going to grow up to be...spiderman. he was showing me all his moves. if that superhero needs a stand in, my 5 year old friend could easily fit the job. we learn a lot in one year...and we laugh a lot, too. moreover, if you were able to read this...you should probably thank your kindergarten teacher. you can also thank her for wiping your nose and kissing your dirty knee at recess...cause that's just as important. do yourself a favor this summer and roll like hell down a grassy hill...you're welcome in advance.
"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." -dr. seuss
Sunday, June 2, 2013
beaver
my adventure started yesterday when after three hours of driving...i got lost in bumbletucky. (cue banjo music.) when i say that this place was backwoods, i am not using that term loosely. it's back. woods. i grew up in a very small town, but this place makes my hometown look like a major metropolis. it's nothing but mountains, fields, and farms. so of course, when i got lost...i didn't have cell phone service. i finally happened upon a little gas station and pulled in. there were only two pumps, and both were occupied by two 4 wheelers. (nice.) i went inside and asked the girl behind the counter if she knew where fernwood road was. she replied, "umm...well what's it near?" (it's near nothing.) i said, "i have no idea what it's near. can i use your phone?" she said, "well is it a long distance call? cause we don't have long distance calling." i told her that i didn't think it was. i called my friend (on her house phone) and she replied, "look out the window into the field, ya see that dirt road? take it until you get to the covered bridge, then make a right." over the river and through the woods...literally.
shortly after i got there, we took her kids to her mom's house so that they could spend the night. (better off no children are involved in our shenanigans.) her whole family lives within a 5 mile radius of each other. when we were pulling down the dirt road (another one) to leave, we both saw a flash of black... and then realized it was a BEAR. there was a bear, that jumped into a tree right next to the road. (a goddamn bear.) she hit the brakes and jumped out of the car. (meanwhile, i put up my window and locked the door.) she was snapping pictures and shit and i could think of was the bear leaping out of the tree, onto the top of the car and mauling both of us. (hey, it could happen.) she found it amusing that i was scared of a WILD animal. she laughed, "it's just a BEAR." listen, sister...it's not effing teddy ruxpin, he has teeth and claws and shit. we aren't at the friggen zoo...we are in the woods. let's GO.
 |
| the bear. |
we bypassed all the bikers (and boggs?) and all went straight to the dance floor. i will say right now that i am not a very graceful person, i am quite clumsy actually. moreover, when adult beverages and high heels are involved...all bets are off. as i was pulling out some white girl dance moves i slipped and tripped over myself..and went down flat on my face. (like vertical to horizontal in 3 seconds.) and then i proceeded to lay there. my friend and her husband thought that i knocked myself out. (that coulda been fun.) but really, i was unable to move because i was laughing so bad. three of them helped me up and then wiped all the dirt and beer from the floor off of my arms, legs..and face. so this shoulda been a segue to leaving, but things got so much ridiculous after that. we were walking outside and somehow found boggs. got some pictures on his hog and then i heard someone yell..."wet t-shirt contest!" (uh oh.) then we found out there was a 100 dollar prize. i don't know if it was the beer, the 100 bucks, or the rowdy bikers...but in that moment, i decided it would be best for me to just do it. (carpe diem.)
 |
| boggs. |
now i never know how butch is going to react to my nonsense. he's known me since middle school, so he is not new to the nonsense. (it's been years and years of nonsense.) if he was there with me, he wouldn't give a rats ass if i was in a wet t-shirt contest. however, with his absence i wasn't sure what the verdict would be. he said, "did you have fun?" i replied, "yes. lots...and i won 100 bucks!" he yelled, "HOW?!" i told him. he only had one question..."was that the top prize?" i said yes. "AWESOME!" so instead of being pissed, my highly competitive husband just wanted to know if i got first place. then he added, "hey, that's grocery money for the week...and i just cut some coupons too." (oh good.) the ride back to my real life was brutal. i was fuzzy from the night before and the freeway was daunting. as i was driving, i was thinking about how good it was to see and old friend, about how calling a vagina a beaver is hilarious, about how big that bear was, and about how i can now cross 'participating in a wet t-shirt contest at a biker benefit' off of my bucket list. booyah.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
bikini
so remember i set this goal a few months ago that i was going to wear a bikini? yeah. june is here. now for the love of all things holy...i know my body is not perfect. (not even close.) however, i'm completely comfortable in my own skin and feel really good these days. since january, i have lost at least 20 lbs, who knows how many inches, and 2 pants sizes...and about a cup size off of my rack. (i think if you get thinner your boobs should get BIGGER, not smaller...maybe that's just me.) out of the whole shebang, i think finding the time to work out and not feeling guilty about it was the hardest part. i only got to the gym 2 days a week, and usually went running outside on the weekends. moreover, being more aware of the junk i put into my chops was not very hard to do. actually, as soon as i made a shift with that...i had a hard time eating the junk at all. it now makes me feel awful when i eat garbage. butch got "a box full of deep fried love" (that's really what it's called) from sheetz the other day and i was sitting in the passenger seat of the car ready to lose my shit. so disgusting. he was in his glory while eating this...like moaning and shit. (dear lord.)
that being said...i have no idea what the hell i was thinking when i had the notion that i could do a 'juice cleanse' for 3 days. are you FREAKING kidding me?! had to be one of the most assinine and idiotic things that i have ever done. do you want to know how long i lasted? one meal. (stop laughing.) ONE. i had breakfast (aka juice), skipped the coffee...and by lunch time, i was ready to eat one of the five year olds in my class. not only was i hungry, i felt absolutely terrible. like a walking asshole. (the actual hole of the ass.) luckily, i had some almonds stashed in my desk and i stole a string cheese from a kid while i was on lunch duty. (don't judge me.) i also had the juice i made for "lunch"...and i dumped it down the goddamn drain. i was angry. i had one of my coworkers laughing her ass off, because of the anger. (i was irate.) i was angry that i couldn't do it. angry that i didn't feel good. angry that i didn't bring a real lunch. just angry.
seriously....who was i kidding? i love food. (who doesn't?) and even though i don't eat a lot of junk anymore...i still EAT. (and enjoy it.) i believe that you should EAT your food...not DRINK it. (angry, again.) juicing is nonsense. i don't know how people do it for an extended period of time and then stay sane. i lasted a whole half a day and was ready to slash the tires of my own car. ready to punch myself in my own face. ready to stab myself with my own scissors. it was not good. i got home from work that day and butch said, "so how did the whole juice thing go?" i. went. off. (he was laughing.) he said, "i told you trish! i told you! just look at that stuff..it looks like it came out of you, not like you should be putting it in you!" (ew.) epic fail. i had scallops wrapped in bacon that night for dinner...and they were delicious. it was back to eggs and bacon the next morning, also. (bacon > carrot juice)
today i will be heading out to lovely, pennsyltucky (that's the real name of the town) to visit my college roommate. (it's backwoods to the max.) i haven't seen her in two in a half years and in that time we have both had a child. she's the kind of friend that i don't talk to for long periods of time...but we always pick right back up where we left off. she also can make me laugh until my insides hurt...that's just an awesome quality for anyone to have. we got into some serious shenanigans back in the day and we have often said that if our own girls act like we did...we will kill them. (it's prolly gonna happen.) apparently we are going to the local VFW for dinner and then to a biker (as in motorcycle) benefit to see a band. i'm not sure whether to wear cammo or leather. (i'll do both.) captain coupon will be manning the ship until i get back. god knows what will go on in this house in the 48 hours i am gone...as long as the kids are fed and happy, i'm happy. (he really is a good dad.)
and so at the end of month five, i learned a coupla things about myself. first of all, i'm stronger than i thought i was. i can run farther than i thought i ever could. my own dog will call me out on gastrointestinal problems. i will not be drinking juice for meals again anytime soon. making time for myself was a struggle. and lastly, i accomplished a goal that i set out to accomplish. i felt like a total goof ass standing out in my backyard in a bikini this morning, but i said i would share...and i rarely say things that i don't mean. i will now be changing out of my bikini and putting on something more appropriate for small town usa. perhaps a camouflage shirt and assless chaps...i hope to fit right in.
 |
| mission accomplished. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)