bachelorette

nothing says have a long and successful marriage like blow job shots and penis shaped lollipops. moreover, when the bride pulled anal beads out of a gift bag...i knew she was headed for wedded bliss. (ohmygod.) they weren't just any anal beads...they were anal beads for beginners. (they make those?) i've stated before the absurdity of women's rituals regarding bridal & baby showers and things such as bachelorette parties...but wow. don't get me wrong, this shower and party were a super good time. (awesome.) but there we sat and ooh'd and ahh'd at towels and tupperware...and then went out and got wound up. i'm not gonna lie, i was kinda hoping for a stripper. never saw one of those live before and i had the go hard or go home mentality. have a happy marriage...here is another man's weiner to look at! (what?!) just doesn't make much sense. that all being said, it was nice to take a mini vacay from mommy world for a minute and act like an adult...anal beads included.

yesterday morning, i had words with warren before i left. even though this has been on the calendar for months...he still gets pissed when i go do things. mainly, because he has to actually do shit. shit like feed and entertain the kids. shit like change diapers and clean up messes. (shit that i usually do most of the time.) so when he gave me hell for wanting to take his (much smaller) car...rather than my mommy mobile, i went off. we don't argue very often, but he does get hyper about certain things (other than his razor). his phone, his computer, and his car are the three things he has a "mine" mentality about. (guys are weird.) i won that battle, but not after he got his big boy britches in a wad. i was making breakfast for him the girls during this and all i could think about was the fact that i wouldn't have to make food for anyone for the next 4 meals. in the past three weeks of being out of school, we've gone out twice to eat. therefore, i've made 61 meals. (i did the math.) SIXTY one. short order cook is for the birds. one morning i made butch a dippy egg sandwich and he mentioned that the yolk was not "dippy" enough for him. MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN DIPPY EGGS THEN, DICKHEAD! i did not yell that, but i wanted to. (really bad.) instead i smiled and hoped for salmonella poisoning from my next batch.

i packed one small bag, hopped in his little car, put the windows down, and turned the music way up. (these are little things that you take for granted when you don't have kids.) whenever i leave the house for a trip, i kinda feel like i'm escaping an insane asylum. like they are going to come and find me and bring me back. one time i mentioned this to fen and she said, "the little one can't walk and ella still shits her pants...i think you are good." i asked butch if he ever felt this way and he said, "every day of my life, when i leave for work." oh good, glad we are all on the same page here. it's just constant craziness with these children. (nuts.) my parents were out of town, so i had an entire house to myself. it was quiet, it was peaceful, it was perfect...and then 3 of my friends showed up, with 3 large bottles of wine. we had planned on having dinner on the patio, with a glass of wine. after the first glasses were poured, they all said that they weren't hungry. experience has taught me, that if you want to go out boozin' for an extended period of time...you need to start with a good base. i've learned the hard way over the years. so, i tried to talk all of them into ordering food...but no one would listen. i was actually trying to be the voice of reason...imagine that.  they sipped their wine and started to get silly instead. cheers, ladies. someone is gonna puke by 7pm.

we wrapped up our pregaming session and walked out the door. fen's sister was our DD at this point, cause it's normal to need a DD for a pregaming session. (great.) we arrived at the bar and had a grand old time whooping it up. a lot of ridiculous things happened, but thankfully no one threw up before the sun went down. someone then made the decision to go to the local fire company (we call this the "hosey") to continue the festivities. some guy a friend of mine knows had a ridiculously large jeep and offered us a ride...so i did what every other country girl would do. i jacked up my dress and climbed in the back. he then mentioned loudly that he may or may not have seen where my babies came from. (sorry about that.) things started to get a little fuzzy at this point and sometime after ordering a round of beers, i decided that i was done. (lights out.) a friend of mine handed me his keys and i went outside to take a little nap (pass out) in his truck. i went down like frazier in a fight. that morning, i woke up and rolled over in (a strange) bed...and i saw my girlfriend's blonde hair. i was wearing my dress from the night before, but was very thankful i had clothes on. she was also still in her dress from the night before. i think it's awesome that DOMA was shot down, but i was hoping that i didn't celebrate by batting for the other team. (holy hell.) i saw my phone and wristlet on the nightstand, and i had my shoes off...so i thought that i had gotten there by myself. (i was wrong.) i found out later that one of my guy friends had to fireman carry me into the room. (thanks, pal.) i rode the hot mess express and did it well.

after gathering my bearings, i texted butch. i just said, "how are you?" he wrote back (and i quote), "ella was up at 2 and 4am with a fever and carrie woke up with a shitty diaper. not sure when she dropped the deuce." (ah gees.) carrie was sick all last week and is on antibiotics, so i guess now ella got what she has. (awesommmmmeee.) i felt like hell and didn't even want to think about going home to two sick children...but motherhood called, and i have no choice but to answer. (jesus take the wheel.) my friend stated that she wanted to cry or vomit thinking about her upcoming two hour drive. i also shared her sentiments. when i arrived home, both kids were still in their pajamas, butch was wearing only boxers, and they were laying on the living room floor watching mickey mouse do his thing. all three of them acted like i'd been gone for a week. butch stated that our children eat a lot, crap a lot, and make a lot of messes. (yes, i am aware.) and so, it's back to dippy eggs and diapers tomorrow morning. i also have to pack up the car for an upcoming beach trip. one bag will turn into 23, the SUV will need to be taken, the windows will be up, and the music will be down. however, seeing my children smile when they first see the ocean will be worth it...and i'll be smiling, too. trading in penis shaped lollipops for pacifiers? priceless. now someone please pass the wine.