filling

so today i was folding laundry at early o'clock and my second born casually asked me, "so what are we doing today?" kids always want an itinerary when there isn't school, and they have amazing plans and social lives for people that don't have drivers licenses. also, how do they always wake up karate chopping the air and ready to take over the free world? (i need some of that.) anyway, i mentioned that we were going to gallivant to the gym and then head home to cook my grandmother's filling for thanksgiving tomorrow. they both yelped, "CAN I HELP!?" (oh, hell.) i had a choice in that moment...to say sure and let it happen, or to tell them no. i couldn't think of any good reasons to say no, so i let it happen. (sums up motherhood.) as we geared up with about four pounds of butter and five pounds of potatoes, ella looked at me and said, "so was this, like, her recipe that she made? did she make it up?" i said, "oh i don't know...i'm sure it was passed down from her mother." then she replied quietly, "if she was here would you ask her?" my grandmother was very influential in my life and passed away when ella was 1...so naturally i had a moment and had to pull myself together. that's really fun when you are peeling potatoes.

i then pulled out the recipe (even though i could do it blindfolded) and ella read the ingredients. meanwhile carrie dangled off of a chair wild eyed like a crazed weasel, taking in every word. i had already peeled the potatoes (and had an ugly cry during), so that was done. they then tried to help me cut up the potatoes. apparently cutting potatoes is hard for little people, so instead of someone losing a finger...i said i would finish. ella then said, "wait, so if you cut off your finger does one grow back!?" i said, "nope! you just lose a finger! sometimes they can sew it back on." she cringed and then said, "wow, octopuses are more awesome than us, they grow their tentacles back when they lose one!" (indeed.) so she read the next part where we had to cut up an onion and celery. i thought celery would be easy, and read them the riot act again about sharp knives and stuff. i had no less than 3 heart attacks and 4 strokes while they were working the knives. carrie was acting all willy nilly with it and i thought for sure her tiny digits were going to be part of the filling and our thanksgiving feast. ella got cocky at one point and started going faster, i had to remind her she was not, in fact, an octopus as we moved onto the next step.

as i recovered from v fib, the potatoes stopped boiling and we drained them. at this point, it was around lunchtime, and both kids then acted like if they didn't have a meal they would surely pass out directly in the potatoes. why whenever you are in the kitchen, they NEED something from said kitchen? (snacks, drinks, etc infinity) so we took a short intermission and i made lunch amongst the cooking mess. after they were revived by mac and cheese and nuggets, i let each have a bowl and mixer. carrie looked like i gave her the golden ticket in a wonka bar at the passing of this privilege. however, when she had the power of the mixer in her hand, she forgot to hold onto the bowl...and it almost flew on the floor. (again, my heart.) potatoes were also flying like fireworks in the air as she yelped, "i don't wanna do this anymore!!!" (cripes, kid!) i gently removed the mixer from her hand, turned it off...and then poured myself a cocktail. the only reason i hadn't sooner was because i thought one of them was going to lose phalanges and we would have to uber to the ER. (no bueno.) anyway, this last step was done and i poured the filling mixture into the baking dishes for tomorrow...as both kids ran off to take over the free world in another adventure.

at the end of all this, i came up with 234 reasons why a solid "no" would've been a valid answer to their "CAN I HELP!?"...heart palpitations and flying potatoes being two of them. however, at the end of the day going into v fib and flying vegetables are just part of motherhood. (for real.) did anyone tell me it was going to be like this? no, sir. i will say the chunks of celery are a little larger than i would've allowed had i been making this dish solo. plus, there might be some lumps in it due to little hands using the mixer...but honestly who cares. my kids got to make food for thanksgiving with me that has been in my family for years. it was the first time they asked to help, and saying yes seemed to be the only answer in that moment. to answer ella's question, i would have most definitely asked my grandmother personally if she made up the recipe or got it from her mother, had she been still been here on this earth. however, i already know she was still there with us...laughing whole heartedly as fingers almost got amputated and potatoes flew. (also, as i poured a cocktail.) now, through something as simple as a filling recipe, she will always be with my kids. for that, i am grateful.

birthdays

so there are certain things they don't outline in the proverbial parenting books, such as the joys and woes of...birthday parties. they failed to mention many, many other things, but this is a big one. if you have children, think about a lackadaisical sunday and what you filled your time with on that afternoon sans work prior to procreating. did you enjoy reading a book? perhaps an adult beverage? getting ready for the week ahead with a long and luxurious nap? prior to having kids, these were some of the magical things i was doing on a sunday afternoon. i used to refer to it as "sunday funday." if you don't currently have children, i suggest you suck all the fun out of sunday that it has to offer (every last drop). as a parent, today it was more like, "sunday why did i chose to procreate and then have these creatures wear roller skates day." sound like fun? i didn't think so.

let's throw in here that on this particular sunday, there was monsoon weather conditions outside. i swear that when we opened to the door to walk out into the free world, the flag pole bend in HALF in front of our eyes and barred our way off the porch (i can't make this up.) both kids screamed and ran back inside, as i shook my head. we went back in to regroup as the rain and winds mocked me from the other side of the door. if mother nature were any kind of mother at all she wouldn't have whipped up this mayhem as we were heading out to a birthday party that afternoon. she would've calmed things down and said, "this motherhood gig is hard enough, so i'll just give you short respite from the rain." anyways, we ran out to the car and water was flying SIDEWAYS, as they were wearing hoods and rainboots...i won't mention that one kid was wearing SNOW boots due to the fact that we couldn't find her rain variety.

anyway, we all dove in the car away from the water like we were the wicked witches of the west and we were all going to melt. if you are anything like me, i still hadn't gotten a gift or card, so two more stops were in order before we even sauntered into the birthday party like i had that stuff prepared all week. as we rolled up route 97, the rain was coming down and i proceeded to hydroplane on the highway. i yelled, "OOO!" as my offspring screamed from the backseat. then came the questions, "what was THAT mommy?!" "why did the car do that?!" "were we SURFING?" "WHAT HAPPENED!?" (holy balls ladies, calm down.) i explained what "hydroplaning" meant and satisfied with the answer...they proceeded to go right back to poking each other and kicking each other with their boots (one snow, one rain...respectively) in the backseat. 

as we arrived on the scene, i couldn't help but notice that this roller rink looked exactly like the skating rink i went to as a kid from the outside. then when we walked in, it's like we took a time machine right back to the 1980s. i swear even the lady collecting the tickets was wearing a guns n roses t-shirt and had magnificent teased bangs. also, the gum still stuck in the carpet was from 1986. i quickly realized that there was not one birthday party going on at this place, there were 4 (FOUR!) parties simultaneously happening at one time. i stood awkwardly when we walked in an stared around in circles...secretly hoping we had come to the wrong place and could head right back home down hydroplane lane. suddenly, i heard my name being yelled and saw the mom of the birthday girl waving violently at me. nope, i wasn't getting out of this one. not today.

shortly after arrival, both of my kids got skates and although i can't fully explain what they looked like when they finally strapped them on and stood up, but it was somewhere between a baby deer fresh out of the womb and a college kid coming home from a frat party on a friday night. they both had this wild look in their eyes, too, like i was somehow willing them to slide all over the place and i was at fault for their follies. shortly after one kid face planted, we found some walker type thing on wheels to help them out. i had to sign them out and the lady with the teased hair, pencil, and notebook warned me that i better bring back the right number walkers. i wondered what she thought i was going to do with them...like, steal them? what use would they be outside of this skating rink? i gave her a serious head nod and walked away (relax, susan, i won't steal it).

like i said before, there were four birthday parties going on at one time. so think about what i said about my own children being drunk deer...and then multiply that by at least 73 kids. there were limbs and tears flying EVERYWHERE. kids were crashing into each other, cinder block walls, benches...me. then there were those adults who thought they would go back to the 1980s in their hearts and minds and give it a go. a grown man ricocheted into the wall and wiped out right in front of me...it took everything in my being not to laugh in his (bruised) face, and i consider myself a nice person! my second born fell flat on her back like 3 times, and i had a mini stroke each time hoping she didn't hit her head or break a bone. my first born ditched the walker and was wildly trying to balance and be cool at the same time (EVERYTHING akimbo). adrenaline was at an all time high at this point.

had it not been for another mom friend amidst this misery, i may have left like 16 minutes into this nightmare. after happy birthday rang through the air, i would've returned those walkers (easy, susan) and ran out the door and back into the rain. she and i made eye contact when we first got there, and it was very apparent we were on the same wave length. we were somewhere between, "what are we doing here?" and "we want our kids to have fun!" i feel like the roller rink today was a metaphor for motherhood in a lot of ways...as i often ask questions like, "what am i doing here?" while tears and face plants happen around me. however, misery loves company and you end up commiserating with other moms who are skating the same rinks. when we got into the car, both kids exclaimed, "that was REALLY FUN!" so sunday funday might not mean what it used to, but at least someone was having a good time. that aside, i aged approximately fourteen years this afternoon. if that sounds like fun, then parenting might be for you.