march

so does anyone else feel like their kids' secretaries all of a sudden? i get texts from other moms like, "can clarabelle facetime with the girls at 3pm?" in my head i'm thinking, "hold on i gotta check their schedules to see if they have something else going on at that time." what? so weird. they don't have their own devices, so they use ours...hence, there has to be a middle man. the middle men are the moms. not to mention the other school related assignments and google meets. i whip out a pen and pad each morning and sit with the two of them at the kitchen table like a registrar asking them what they need to complete and by when. my first born today opened the laptop and said, "well, tomorrow i have a google meet with my class at 10:30am and my teacher wrote a note that said, DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR MUSTACHE!" i just stared at her, willing her to go on, and she yelled, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" (she is me.) the coffee that was in mouth nearly sprayed out of my face orifice and all over my first born. soon after that my second born said, "i have a google meet tomorrow at 9:30 with my class and it says it's crazy hair day!" i said, "well your hair is always crazy, so just roll out of bed and get on!" she laughed her little head off.

as a teacher, i understand why these other teachers are throwing some flair (like crazy hair) in with these virtual meetings and chats. they are trying to accomplish one thing...and that is to keep up the kids morale. if a whole class of kids wearing mustaches makes everyone smile a bit more, well then so be it. yes, keeping up with it as a parent is not easy...but these teachers have your kid's best interest at heart. yesterday, morale was low at this house. trying to keep everyone educated, happy, and fed is getting harder each day. if you are struggling on day 239 of quarantine, you are not alone. i try to go one day at time to keep myself sane, but yesterday i came downstairs and my husband was running like hell on the treadmill, blasting 'the doors' from his record player. my first born was sitting at the table eating a snack and singing along to come on baby light my fire. meanwhile, my second born was wandering around in christmas pajamas and asked me, "what day is it again?" i literally went out in the backyard and wondered if it was too early for wine. it was like 10am. i think everyone in the world is at the same place right now...wondering when and if this will all be over. there is no timeline, so people are really getting rowdy. including me.

last night at approximately 10:23pm, my husband and i heard a huge bang come from up stairs...like, really loud. i yelped, "WHAT WAS THAAAAT?" we both ran upstairs like banshees and my second born was sitting on her bed, crying and holding her head. she wailed, "i hit my HEAAADDD!!!" we both said, "ON WHAT?!" the story she came up with was not believable and my first born was looking awfully suspicious. i know it was 100% because they were horsing around. after consoling her and coming downstairs, i had a julia roberts acting moment. you know the one where the one tear gently rolls down her cheek? that was me. on the couch. at my house. i was thinking how i miss a way earlier loud bang free bedtime with my kids. i miss a routine, i miss teaching, i miss my coworkers, i miss my family, my friends, my new niece...i miss all that stuff. so as the one tear rolled down, i poured more wine and thought about what my grandmother would do during this time. she always gave the best advice. one time in college i was going through some stuff and she looked me in the eyes and simply said, "you just need to put on your boots and march!" in other words...just keep going. so tomorrow morning i will continue honing my secretarial skills, as one kid is in a wig and other is wearing a mustache with their classmates...i will choose laugh along with them. march on, people.

sword

so last night my husband nonchalantly leaned over while we were on the couch and said the following, "i just want you to know that i ordered a stone sharpener for my sword." nothing (literally nothing) surprises me anymore, but as i peered at him over my wine glass i had only one question. so i asked, "what, exactly, are you going to use the sharpened sword for?" without missing a beat he stated, "i'm going to go out in the backyard and throw fruits and vegetables and shit up in the air and cut them in half." (what?) at this point i couldn't hold back and bust out laughing. by no means did i want to encourage this behavior...but what in the actual hell. i squawked, "are you trying to tell me quarantine has turned you into BRUCE LEE?! what are you even talking about?!" he nearly spat out his beer and started laughing as well. you are probably wondering why he would even have a 'sword' in the first place, so i'm gonna tell you the backstory.

i actually totally forgot about the sword...until last friday night on a virtual happy hour with high school friends. after three hours of nonsense with these people (and many beverages), the sword made a reappearance, following many years of isolation on the (very high) top shelf of our downstairs bathroom closet. he was waving it dangerously close to my limbs, nose, face, and ears...and no one needs to go to the emergency room right now. (which is what i tell my children on the regular when they are running around out house like crazed weasels.) i told him to put it down, but he stated, which is the same thing he stated years ago (BC-before children) when he brought it home. he said (and i quote), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (battle ready.) listen buddy, you just had about 12 beers and battle ready or not, a sword...is a sword. i mean, sure, it may not take off a limb...but it's gonna leave a flesh wound of some sort. put down the damn sword.

the actual sword.

rewind twelve years ago, in our first year of marriage, we bought our first house (this comes into play later)...he also bought this sword. it all came about when a group his friends went to a renaissance festival together in pennsylvania, and he came back to maryland with this weapon. let me state whenever this group of guys is together they act as if they are legitimate animals. animals let out of the zoo and into the world (renaissance fair) with no rules. anyway, he saunters in the door on sunday, bewildered after a wild weekend...with this sword swinging around. at that time, i would get more wound about this stuff. (now i don't even bat an eyeball.) i said, "WHAT IS THAT." (not a question, a statement.) i probably added some expletives in there as well, for good measure. he stated (same as last friday), "DON'T WORRY...it's not BATTLE READY." (cause that makes it better.) back then we weren't in the financial situation we are now, but for some reason i didn't ask in that moment how much it was.

lo and behold, a couple days later i get a call from the bank. they let me know that our (VERY FIRST) mortgage payment...had bounced. i was talking to the teller and said, "i'm not sure what happened, but can you tell me what recent purchases were made that might have caused it?" she clicked away at her keyboard, started chuckling on the other end...and then said, "well, it looks like there was a charge for $120...for a SWORD." it legitimately came up "sword" on the bank statement. i said, "oh...yes. i'm aware of the sword...i'm now going to go use it ON MY HUSBAND." she started belly laughing on the other end, said we wouldn't get an extra charge, and we hung up. i went into the room (with wild eyes) where bruce lee was sitting and said, "YOU BOUNCED OUR MORTGAGE PAYMENT WITH THAT SWORD!" he shrugged his shoulders and said something along the lines of, "you win some, you lose some." little did i know 12 years later that he would be ordering sharpening stones for the sword so he could pulverize produce in the backyard during a pandemic. well, that, my friends...is one for the books.

superpower

so last night my first born was face timing with five of her friends...and i will mention this is the first time she has been on a group chat on the phone ever. it's something i didn't envision for another few years with her, but it is very weird all the same. i mean, everything is weird right now...so just add this little anomaly into the mix. let me set the stage...i was in the bedroom with a laptop doing some work and my husband was in the shower. i hear the shower stop and door swing open. then, i loudly hear my first born say from the hallway, "ALRIGHT GIRLS...LET ME GIVE YOU A TOUR OF THE HOUSE!!!" we live in close quarters, so she was only a few steps away from every room upstairs. before i could say one word, my husband came flying out of the bathroom like a bat out of hell...wearing only boxers. (thank god his man parts were away.) he must've heard her too, because he had a wild look on his face like he needed to hide. he looked like a legitimate cartoon character. still wet, hair askew on top of his head. to say i bust out laughing is an understatement. i was convulsing on the bed and literally couldn't breathe. my laptop nearly fell on the floor.

this all happened in a matter of seconds, but he grabbed the nearest shirt and then tried to "cover" himself with it. i somehow squeaked out, "DO NOT COME IN OUR BEDROOM WITH THAT PHONE!"...and then went back to laughing. he was in a full blown sweat and looking around like, 'what the hell just happened?!" why he didn't just yell what i yelled is beyond me, but his actions instead were far funnier. that all being said, the beginning of this week was HARD. it's only wednesday and i feel like i've been through a pandemic (oh...wait.).  we all had been annoyed with each other at different times the past couple of days and man, i needed that laugh. home schooling and schooling from home has been an interesting and draining dynamic.  (it's no joke.) trying to find a balance in our house the past couple of days has been kinda daunting, but we are making do. i'm sure by now many of you have come up with your own little 'routine' of how your day is supposed to go...at least i have. (it keeps me from not going nuts.) part of that is a couple hours in the afternoon i clean or organize something in our house. my husband does not like this and i will explain to you why.

i grew up with a very handy father...he literally built my childhood home from the ground up, even though he is not a builder by trade (but i guess he actually is?). anyway, as i go about cleaning and organizing each day i find certain projects that i pass on to my (not so handy) husband. last week i remodeled the bathroom and the metal piece on the floor near the supply tube was rusted, so i texted my dad and asked if it was an easy fix. he said yes. so, i sent my husband out to get the replacement parts and after many curse words and a threat of divorce...it was fixed. later that night after several beverages, he let the dog out the backdoor and it was "raining" from the second floor of our house. he went ballistic. fortunately, the nuts just weren't tightened enough, so after some elbow grease, more foul language and another talk about the legal dissolution of our marriage...it was not raining from the second floor anymore. my husband is a mild mannered man...it takes a lot to ruffle his feathers. however, quarantine has set him off a little bit. the plumbing gone wrong is just the tip of the iceberg. he recently ordered a chainsaw (yes.) off of amazon because our 'neighbor's bush is rubbing up against our house and he can't take it anymore' (an actual big bush...foliage if you will.)

anyway, the chainsaw arrived yesterday and he said as soon as he has a free moment he is going to 'hang out the second story window' and 'saw it down.' so in short, stay tuned for that moment...cause it's sure to be a doozy. rest assured, we have all had our crazy moments in this house. for example, my first born was in a google meet chat with her classmates for her teacher to answer questions they had about their work...when she simply closed the laptop after 16 minutes and said, 'i'm done with all of them.' (i lost it laughing.) my second born is already a little kooky, but has now decided to not wear pants (ever), and saunters around the house wearing oversized glasses half the time (she's still into scaring us, too).  i went out for a walk yesterday and after somehow getting lost (even though i jog in our neighborhood all the time) had to pull up the GPS on my phone to figure out how to get home after an hour and a half. as we settle into (using that loosely) this new way of life, everything is weird and sometimes hard. however, if we stop at least once to see the humor everyday...like a half naked grown man trying to 'hide' from a gaggle of 9 year old girls on face time, well it just makes it a little bit better. hang in there, people, and when in doubt...use your sense of humor as a superpower.