prizes

so it's the most wonderful time of the year, as they say. i don't know who "they" are...but "they" surely aren't traveling with a dog and two children all over god's creation during this most wonderful time. kids are perpetual monkey wrenches in the game of life and while traveling, they always have some extra tricks up their sleeves. my second born's latest trick included projectile vomit of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the confines of the car. i've always said that being puked on or cleaning up someone else's puke will humble you in a way nothing else can. when you have kids, it's just part of the territory. puke and poop are like consolation prizes in the game of parenting. as you know, consolation prizes go to runners up or losers in a contest....in this instance the loser is you (surprise!). our car ride played out something like this:

we had grand plans of heading up north visit my sister in law, cause she was flying in with her new baby and our nephew for a visit from colorado. our own kids were counting down the days they would get to play with their cousins. we were also very excited to see them...however, the part we are never excited for is the traveling part. the packing, the driving, the sheer amount of time it takes to get a family of four and a dog out the door is a little ridiculous. actually, it's borderline insane. i will say that it is one billion (give or take) times easier than when they were babies, but it's still equal to a brain hemorrhage on a hot day (it blows). so we spent friday night packing up everything that we needed for our two day voyage, including the kitchen sink...everything except for the puke bags.

the first leg of the trip started off stellar...we set sail from maryland with not a care in the world and zero traffic to deal with. we left early due to impending snow, and made it to my parents house for a quick visit in record time. i felt like fist pounding my husband when we made it there so quickly and without incident (i should've known my elation would be short lived). then, he and i gallivanted around our hometown sans children, christmas shopping and such, while my parents hung out with the kids. my mom proceeded to fill their bellies with food and apple juice galore so they wouldn't be hungry for the second part of the trip to the poconos (the plan backfired, nanny). we made them go to the bathroom no less then 12 times before they left and we went on our way.

it was snowing pretty steadily at this point and the roads were a bit slick. both kids were wearing sweaters and boots and tightly strapped in the backseat with the dog between them. about 20 minutes into the 90 minute trip i decided to call fen and see what type of glorious things she was getting into on that fine saturday afternoon. turns out she was sipping wine and writing christmas cards...and i secretly cursed her from afar. suddenly i heard what seemed like a whine slash scream from the backseat and i yelled, 'i gotta go!' and hung up on fen. i turned around to see my second born looking rather green and asking me for some water. i got her a water bottle then frantically turned to look for something for her to vomit in. mother intuition told me something was coming and this something wasn't going to be good.

as i scoured the car, i turned to see projectile puke containing peanut butter and jelly sandwich exploding from my child's face. it hit the back passenger seat, went down into the pocket, and also all over her lap (holy hell!). i grabbed for starbucks napkins from the glove box to clean up the mess as she was crying and complaining that a whole piece of crust came out of her nose (it did. i saw it with my own eyeballs.) in that moment i turned to look at my husband who was driving. the color had gone from his face and i could tell that he was questioning every life decision he had made to this point in regard to children. he said, "how bad is it?" i said, "it's pretty bad. it's everywhere." he hates when his car is messy on a normal day, but throw in some peanut butter regurgitation all over his leather seats (and down in the pocket) and we are now talking about veering off the road into a nearby lake.

i stifled my laughter about his reaction....and then heard my first born gagging and screaming. i slowly turned around to see the dog happily eating the vomit off of my child and the leather seat (it was, in fact, disgusting). the thrower of the puke was in some weird place of her own just staring at me and wondering what i was going to do next. i found a random towel, covered the puke, and gave her some water. we cracked the window and hoped for the best, as we still had 25 minutes to go and it was snowing heavily so we didn't want to stop. my husband didn't talk the rest of the trip. however, there wasn't much to say at this point other than, "did that really just happen?" she's never been carsick before, so this little trick was just there lying in wait for our fun little holiday jaunt. the most wonderful time of the year? i beg to differ. if you are a parent and have experienced consolation prizes such as these, i'm currently preaching to the choir. if you aren't and plan on being one...better stock up on puke bags, cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

barge

so i have been barged in on in the bathroom no less than a billion times since my kids were born. hell, i remember having ella in the bouncy seat while i showered, cause if she was more than a stone's throw away from me she would start crying. there i was washing my ass as quickly as i could while playing peek-a-boo behind the shower curtain. you do weird shit when you have kids, that's just one of the things they didn't tell me about in the parenting books (shower curtain peek-a-boo). anyways, like i said, my kids have interrupted both showers and other bathroom business a billion times, but last night it was a bit different. last night my second born came bursting into the bathroom screaming and snot all over her face, cause she sucked a BEAD up her nostril...and it was stuck. it took me a second to process what the hell was happening, but as i sat down she came in the bathroom like a high school band at half time (cymbals blarin'). not far behind her was my first born...and my husband. mind you, i'm sitting on the TOILET and ella, who is like a first grade investigator, was like, "she sucked a bead up her nose..." and held out an example in her own hand. the bead was little, so i had fears of her snorting it so hard it would like go to her brain or something. i grabbed a wad of toilet paper and yelled, "BLOW!"

there is something weird about kids and blowing their noses, but most of them suck at it. they can do the old 1-2 wipe job, but blowing always poses a problem for some reason. anyways, i think panic took over and for the first time in her life, carrie decided it was time to blow the hell out of her nose. after about the fifth try, the bead came out in the tissue. her face was equal parts relieved and horrified. my face was equal parts relieved and everyone can get the hell out of the bathroom now. butch was still standing there dumbfounded and i realized my second born must've bypassed him (in the bedroom) and come straight to me (in the bathroom). i asked him later if she did that and he said, "no, she did come to me and i told her to go see her mother..." (sounds about right). after extraction, i asked carrie how the bead went up her nose in the first place and she said (and i quote), "i was trying to smell it." (what.) i said, "smell a plastic bead?" she said, "yes. it smells like nothin." (no shit!). in other news, i guess we can stop saving for harvard? (that was a close one.) so that's how monday evening played out in our house right before bedtime. bead extractions from the confines of the bathroom whilst peeing. if that sounds fun then parenting might be for you.

now. let me let you in on a little secret. last week both my husband and my kids had spring break from school...and my county was still in session. with the help of my in laws, butch took the kids to the beach. for the whole week. you wanna know what i was doing last monday? i was on a boat with a beer in one hand an the wind blowing through my hair...not making children blow beads out of their noses so they don't get lodged in their brain. people who knew they were leaving kept asking, "what are you gonna DO when they are gone?! what are  you gonna DO!?" i wanted to answer, "wanna know what i'm NOT gonna do? i'm NOT gonna cook, do laundry, clean, pack lunches, pick up after people, help with homework, go to soccer, go to dance, wipe anyone's ass, make dinner, give baths, or go through a bedtime ritual. those are things i'm not gonna do." guess what? i found other shit to do. i went to a barbeque, went boating, got a pedicure, went for drinks, had wine on the back deck with fen, played kickball in DC...i did shit every day that they were gone. i found shit to do. i missed the hell out of their cute little faces, but i did not miss the hell out of all of the responsibility they bring. it was 5 full days of selfish gloriousness. this week i have spring break, so i'm kinda doing the stay at home mom thing, cause they are back in school. which is also quite glorious, minus the packing lunches part.

as an added bonus, in those 5 days they were gone, not one person barged in on me in the bathroom! little things you take for granted when you aren't parenting...like peeing alone. as soon as they came back on last friday, it was around noon. fen was here as they burst through the doors and ella's first words to me were, "i MISSED you mommy...can you make me some LUNCH!?" carrie piped in, "ME TOO! I'M HUNGRY and i gotta POOP, can you wipe me!?" fen took one look at me and sing songed, "they're BAAAAACCCKKK!" with a smirk on her face. when you have your first child, your life takes a crazy shift and suddenly you are responsible for another human 24 hours a day. as they get older, you are still responsible for them, but you get more breaks in between and it's not round the clock care (you can breathe). however, i wasn't warned prior to beginning my parenting journey that my kid might barge into the bathroom because she accidentally sucked a bead up her nose and needs my assistance to get it out (no warning). yesterday, on their last day of their spring break...i took both kids shopping, for lunch, and ice cream. later, prior to the bead incident, i did the soccer mom thing and took carrie to practice. i snapped this picture of her, and this smile is something i wouldn't give up for anything. moreover, now that we know harvard is off the table...maybe we can hope for a soccer scholarship somewhere? fingers crossed.

feral

so i'm at this glorious stage of parenting that entails school age children...and all their shenanigans. my doctorate in dirty diapers and late night feedings is hanging on the wall in my home office and i am currently working on my masters degree...in being a chauffeur and making lunches. soccer just started last week, so now monday and wednesday nights are filled with that (also saturday games). oh, and irish dance on tuesdays. keeping up with their schedules is a full time job. my kids are 4 and 6...and busier than me. which is really awesome since they don't have their drivers licenses. now look, i know there are other families that have like 234 extracurricular things to do...a lot more than 4 days a week. some of my mom friends are busy 7 (seven!) nights a week with school age children shenanigans. i'm not even mentioning homework, projects, papers that need to be filled out, packing lunches, feeding, bathing, putting them to bed...insert many other child chores here. let me say i have so much more respect for my own parents now in this regard. (kids are a pain in the private parts.) lest us not forget stuff like show and share for carrie on wednesdays and gym sneakers for ella on monday and friday...and also the "special" dress up days and class parties. the list goes on and on. if that sounds like fun then parenting might be for you. here is what our calendar looks like for april:

see the 21st for a quick summary.

most of the time i think i'm on top of my shit as a mom...and most of the time i don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. however, i try to go day by day so i don't lose my shit. so when my kid brought home the most epic fail picture in the history of first grade, i could only laugh. i laughed hard. i laughed so hard that she heard me from the other room and came to ask me what i was laughing about (oh, balls.) i made something else up and i think she bought it, but i did ask what the hell happened to her hair?! for the record, i knew it was picture day that day, but i was only aware of group CLASS pictures. i wrote the $12 check, pulled her hair half up and sent her on her merry way. i even had "picture day" on the calendar. so when a picture that i've named "feral child gone wild in washington DC" showed up...i was a bit taken aback. i did NOT pick that background, it was the "preview" they sent, but when i pulled up the website there were many other backgrounds to choose from that were equally questionable. one of which looked like she just dropped acid and another one where there was a country wagon wheel? my favorite was just a white background that accentuated her wild child hair. but for real...why the hell does it look like she just rolled around in the tall grasses with julio down by the schoolyard!? i have no idea. if you didn't see the pic on social media...here you go:

so anyway, although i don't have babies at home, parenting starts taking all these other turns that no one tells you about. stuff like your kids schedules will trump your own on so many levels, and although it kinda sucks...it's kinda awesome. when ella was out on the soccer field for the first time the other night and i saw her running around, i immediately remembered all the fun times i had on the field as a kid. hell, i was no irish dancer, but seeing her and her sister learn a new jig each week is awesome, too. you start to live vicariously through your kids, and their happiness becomes your own. actually, when you have kids, you own their happiness, their sadness, their joy, and their disappointment. i think that's what's so hard about having kids in the first place. just keeping them alive is enough work...but wondering if you are doing it right is just plain exhausting. you do the best you can with what you have and hope for the best. that's all you can do. oh, and when you get a school picture like the one above, you laugh long and hard about your successes and failures as a parent. i think the most important thing i've learned in the past 7 (WHOA, i'm a PRO) years of parenting is this...don't take yourself too seriously. if you do, you will be caught up in the shenanigans and miss all the fun. sit back like an uber passenger on a friday night and enjoy the ride...cause rastafarian hair in a first grade photo is just the icing on a cake called parenthood. yeah mon!

blood

so yesterday around noon a package arrived on our front porch and warren informed me that it was "a roof rack for his jeep." since we have said "no" to the minivan, when we travel our SUV looks something like a clown car. it's jam packed to the gills with all the stuff we need to take with us...including two kids and a dog. every square inch is utilized and i usually have some type of bag on my lap, under my feet, and inserted in my ass. forget trying to see out the back window out of caution, cause that's not happening either (completely packed). so anyway, he bought this roof rack to strap all our shit and shenanigans to the top of the car. i immediately had visions of our luggage flying all over northbound route 83 as i watched. i literally would not be surprised if a bungie cord snapped and this happened...cause stuff like that happens in our lives often. as my husband pulled all the pieces out of the big box and laid them across our living room, our offspring got to work playing with the magical piece of cardboard. they pretended it was a car, a boat, a coffin...and then began fighting over the plastic stuff (trash) that was inside. they were running like hell around the house screaming about who got more. about a bazillion toys in the house...but let's play with trash (par for the course). my parents, who were coming into town, happened to arrive in the middle of this show.

when they came in the house, parts of the roof rack were all over the floor and there were screws and metal everywhere. the kids were still running and screaming and letting their imaginations run wild with the trash slash box, as my mom and dad looked on. my dad then (shaking his head) disappeared upstairs to the guest room for an afternoon nap, my mom and i decided to take the kids for some frozen yogurt to get them out of the house (and end the screaming). after about an hour in on this project, butch was exasperated..and he was also like missing parts he needed and stuff. so we exited the premises and hopped on over to sweet frog. for some reason, the whole of my town had the same idea and the place was packed. we all made our sundaes and sat down. after a few seconds my phone rang. it was warren. the conversation went as follows. him: uh...you better come home right now. me: huh? him: i accidentally punched myself in the face...i'm bleeding everywhere. me: what?! him: OUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A CRIME SCENE YOU BETTER COME HOME RIGHT NOW. me: *head back, unable to breathe, in an ugly laugh with the phone away from my head so he can't hear* him: *hangs up* so my mom is sitting there staring at me and i said (barely able to speak), "so butch just punched himself in the face and we have to go home..." she jumps up, grabs the girls' coats, and rushes out to the car. although i was hoping he was okay, i kept laughing to myself thinking about him sucker punching...himself.

when we arrived back home, my dad was up from his nap...mopping up blood on our hardwood floor. i still hadn't laid eyes on warren, but there was blood on the porch, the couch, and my father was hard at work getting rid of any evidence with some pine sol and hot water. i said, "what the hell happened!?" to which my father started laughing hysterically and could not get his shit together. i said, "who punches themselves in the FACE!?" butch was in the kitchen looking bewildered as i walked around the corner. he had blood up to his elbows, the sink was filled with blood, paper towels stuffed up his nose, blood spatter on the dishwasher, the cabinets...the house really did look like a crime scene. so he then explained what happened...a story that involved a hammer, a screwdriver, and his own fist slipping and smashing into his own nose. when we established he was okay, i started cleaning up the blood that was all over the place. meanwhile, my dad is standing nearby gagging and telling me i missed some near the trashcan. my mom started a friendly game of monopoly with the girls...like this sort of thing is normal and happens all the time. both my parents asked butch if he was on blood thinners because of the magnitude of it all over the place. i replied that i gave birth two times and didn't see that much blood. so after a shower and a trip to the local bar, he seemed back to normal. he kept recapping his moe, larry, curly episode out loud, which would make all of us laugh all over again. laughter keeps us going around here, cause without it we would be lost. remind me of that when our luggage is in full flight all over northbound 83 as i look on. pretty sure i'll be the one punching myself in the face at that point. on purpose.

coffee

so this morning was different than other mornings, because i had a training for work and didn't have to report to my normal school building. typically i roll over and scratch my ass at 5:30am when the alarm goes off, peel myself out of bed and stumble to the bathroom at approximately 5:45am, get myself ready and then wake my children (who act like they are teenagers, not under 10), make breakfast, and have to deliver them to daycare by 7am (which is when it opens). i fly out of the parking lot like my hair is on fire so i can make it to work by 7:30am, which is about 17 miles away. however, on this fine friday morning i didn't have to be to a training until 8:30am, which buys me some more time. so i delivered my smiling offspring to their destination and decided that 'it's friday' and i deserve a coffee from dunkin' donuts, since i never have time on a typical morning to do so. i pull into the parking lot with rainbows and unicorns coming out of my ass and i'm feeling quite chipper. sidebar (and an important part of the story): sometimes when i get the luxury of going to for gourmet (hush) coffee...i buy the person behind me their goods, as kind of a pay it forward thing. i don't do it all the time, but sometimes. remember today was a day of rainbow and unicorn rectum, so i decided to do it this morning.

my offspring and their best friday faces.

i squawked hello and good morning to the kind lady on the other side of the speaker and ordered my two dollar and eleven cent (fancy) coffee. i saw the woman behind me order in my rear view mirror and it was a quick talk to the kind lady, so i thought..."well, she didn't order a lot of stuff then..." although i like to pay it forward, i don't want to break the bank while doing so (sue me). so when i pulled up to the window and because i was playing detective and thought i saw her not ordering a whole lot of shit...i didn't even ask what she got (i usually do). i'm face to face with kind speaker lady and she says, "that will be $2.11!" i said (smiling), "can i also pay for the person behind me?" she yelped, "sure!" i handed over my credit card and she swiped and handed it back. i said, "just tell the woman, happy friday!" she (basically) screamed, "OKAY I WILL!!!" (lots of exclamation points). i grabbed my receipt and pulled forward, ready to take the world by the balls. as i pulled out onto the main road, i casually glanced down at my receipt. in that moment i had just taken a huge gulp of too hot coffee and as my foot hit the gas, my eyes got wide and my fancy coffee almost flew out of my mouth and all over the windshield. this is what i saw:

now listen. in that moment i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. yes, it was my own fault for not asking what the woman behind me ordered. however, what if i had asked!? then what? "i'd like to pay for the person behind me...what did she order?" kind cashier says, "2 boxes of joe at 15 bucks a pop." if i said, "meh, nevermind..." then do i look a cheap do gooder? ie/ "i want to pay it forward, but on my terms." no thanks. so in retrospect, i'm glad i didn't ask. however, if you could've seen my face when i first saw that receipt i assure you it would've been priceless. here i am expecting to pay like 2 bucks for my coffee and no more than 10 bucks total including the person behind me (not more than i've ever spent at DD in one visit!). when i realized my snafu, i immediately did what i normally do when shit like this happens...i called fen (my bff) to confer. when she answered in the early morning hours, i half yelled half laughed, "you are never gonna believe what just happened to ME!!" i went on with my story and she couldn't hold her shit together (laughing her head off). her husband was in the background yelling, "nice guys finish last!!!" (eeshh.) before we hung up she said that she thinks i'm good on the pay it forward thing for, like, a year.

so as i took my drive to my training i was thinking about that woman behind me and what she thought when the kind cashier said, "your tab was paid for by the lady in front of you! she said happy friday!" first of all, did she think i was hitting on her or did she realize i was just paying it forward? did she know that i didn't ask what she got and as i pulled out onto route 2, almost shit my pants and shot coffee all over the windshield? was she buying these boxes of joe for her coworkers as a pay it forward friday gesture herself? i had so many questions. however, to make my $33.98 COFFEE purchase okay in my head...i realized that although i probably made this woman happy, i must've made a whole lotta other people happy as well. because hell, that's a WHOLE LOTTA COFFEE. i guess the moral of the story is this...i didn't intend to share with anyone that paid it forward this morning. i meant to pull out of the parking lot, grab life by the balls, and just be happy. however, my gesture turned into something far more than a feel good...it was funny as hell. i laughed my head of with fen before the caffeine in my own coffee even had a chance to kick into my system. moreover, life has shown me over and over again that kindness matters (and so does laughter). doesn't matter if it's free coffee or a simple compliment. as an added bonus? my training let out early and my principal gave me the rest of the day off because i already had a substitute...also allowing me time to share this story with you. i'll chalk that up to coffee karma. happy friday, people...hope you all have a fabulous rainbow and unicorn filled weekend.