story

i've always loved new years eve...and not because of the wild parties or extravagant plans. hell, i'll be lucky if i even make it up to midnight tonight with my episodes of dateline and box of wine. (maybe a glass of bubbly as well!) anyway, the close of each year is like the ending of a story. each month of that previous year is like a chapter in that book. this year, there are some chapters that i would like to reread to capture each delicious detail, there are some that i would like to skim over...and there are others that i would like to skip reading all together. however, i always enjoy the beginning of a new year because it's an opportunity to start fresh, to start the story all over again so to speak. more over, the older i get and as each year passes...the faster time seems to go. i feel like one day i'm going to wake up and be 70 and wonder what the hell happened. but here's the thing, you are always the writer of your own stories. yes, things happen that are out of your control...but how you act and react to certain situations are all part of your novel. i can only hope that one day when i look back on the chapters of my life that i have something worthy of reading.

i've said it before and i'll say it again...we can learn so much from children and the way they look at life. ella, my three year old, tells me she loves me at least 32 times a day. it's like it pops into her head and right out of her mouth...sometimes for no reason at all. moreover, if something is pissing her off, she's not afraid to tell you that either. as adults we get jaded by things that have happened to us and we choose not to share with others how we are really feeling. i love when people are raw and open and willing to get dirty. however, it's easier to keep shit inside, then to share. (i get this.) kids live out loud, and i love them for it. i tend to over share with people (obviously) and vice versa happens as well. a couple of weeks ago, i had a conversation with fen's roommate, who is an army corpsman. over drinks, he told me that he was going to be heading to guam in a couple of months. i told him that i was sad to see him go, because the older i get the harder it is to find good people. people worthy of your time and attention. people who are capable of carrying on a good conversation. (he agreed.) so many people came in and out of my life this past year and i am so very thankful for each lesson that each person taught me.

i don't know if 2013 was the best year of your life, the worst year of your life...or somewhere in between. but i do know this...everything that happens, happens for a reason. there are no accidents and we don't meet people by chance. (i believe this.) yesterday i randomly met the mom of one of my sister in laws friends, at a party. she was one of the most bubbly, outgoing, and fun people i've met in a very long time. it's very obvious that she lives out loud. she went on to tell us that she has been a hairdresser for 40 years. (can you imagine all the stories she's heard?) anyway, she was taking pictures of every one's kids...and even got a video of one of the kids with his head stuck in the railing (yes!). she told all the moms there that they should take lots and lots of pictures and document everything, because time goes so fast. (it's true.) i don't know what 2014 has in store for me, or what kind of stories i will write, or what kinds of people i will meet. however, i'm excited to see what it holds. at the end of one year and the beginning of a new one: may you embrace things that make you happy, rid yourself of bullshit that bogs you down, and always remember that you are the author of the chapters in your own book. get busy writing or get busy dying, people. cheers to a new year!

chimpanzees

the only way i can describe what it was like going to church with a one and three year old in tow is this...i felt like i went to the zoo, sprung two chimpanzees out of their cages, and decided to take them to say hello to jesus. when we walked in, i had high hopes for our visit. i saw plenty of other children filling the pews and the place was completely packed. as we settled in, i said a silent prayer that my two kids would not be one of the ones that had to be escorted (kicking and screaming) out of the back by a family member. the choir started singing and carrie started pointing, ella sat straight up and put her arms in the air, like she was attending her first concert. (was waiting for her to whip out a lighter.) shortly after this, though, the singers lost their magic and my kids found other things to keep them occupied. although we tried to keep them both stationary, they were all over the place. (monkeys.) on my lap, off my lap, sitting next to me, sitting next to my husband, sitting on my husband, laying on the floor, laying on the pew...and my personal favorite, in between my husbands legs under a blanket. (think fort ala jesus.) i glanced over and didn't see either of them, so i had a slight panic attack...until he pointed between his knees and i realized they were under there. at one point, i almost asked the priest if i could borrow the rope around his waist so that i could tie them up. (i bet he woulda said yes.)

the only thing i will give them is this...they were quiet. even though my husband and i turned into their personal jungle gyms, they didn't say too much. i heard some other kids losing their minds in the back of the church (like yelling loudly for all to hear) and thought at LEAST they aren't doing that. (at least.) this is one of the things that i was really concerned with, though, because carrie is going through a communication phase that includes lots of screaming. her screeching would've been enough to shatter the stain glassed windows or scare jesus right down off of the cross. (seriously.) i was constantly waiting for loudness to explode of her mouth and was very relieved when it never happened. when we did the "peace be with you" bit, i turned around and apologized to the people behind us for all of my kid's monkey business. they said, "ohhhh nooo!!! they are being sooo good! and they are soo cute!" (good, you wanna take them home with you?) god made kids cute for a reason, this being one of them. cuteness allows them to be easily forgiven...even if your three year old just inadvertently elbowed you in the left breast and then flailed her fist at her father's balls, all in the house of the lord.

in the middle of mass, i don't know what i was thinking when i handed carrie a candy cane to suck on because about 5 minutes later she was covered in a candy coating. (sticky from head to toe.) she kept rubbing her hands all over my 16 year old cousin (and his white shirt) who was sitting next to me. he just stared at me when i apologetically handed him a wipe. towards the end of the service, ella really started to lose her mind and was whisper yelling that she "just wanted to go home." (she had a crazy look in her eye.) everyone was standing and singing and she was sprawled out on the pew moaning the dislike of her location to me. then, out of no where, she leaned up from laying down and said, "hey...i need a pillow!" (a pillow. at church.) as the last hymn was being sung, butch leaned over to me while holding carrie and said, "she's soaked." i reached over and sure enough there was a wet substance all over her crotch slash leg region. he was holding her out in front of him as if she was toxic. i didn't know if the wetness was caused by poop or pee...but i was hoping it was only the latter. i took this as our cue to exit. we walked out the back and i threw deuces to jesus as we left. thank god we had made it to (almost) the end of the service. 

a christmas hug....or headlock?

so onto christmas day...this is the first christmas in 31 years that i will not be spending with my parents and brothers. i have to say i feel a little weird inside....and a little sad. i guess this is what happens when you grow up and have your own family. peter pan was on to something when he said he never wanted to grow up. being an adult is for the birds. no worries, though...my own two hell raisers have caused enough christmas chaos to totally take my mind off of all of that business. best toy of the day brought by santa?? the buckets that their blocks came in...cause they can wear them on their heads. not the blocks...the buckets. i have also come to realize also that next year we should just buy two of the very same gift, cause one always wants what the other one has. (that's miiiiiiinnnneeeee!) moreover, butch sat down with ella to play with a lego set we got her and he informed me that he felt you needed a college degree to put it together. (he has his masters in education and still found it difficult.) carrie sat there and shoved the little pieces in her mouth, so i had to go fishing for legos in my one year old's esophagus. (that was fun.) our house looks like the giraffe from toys r us threw up in every room and we have family flying in tomorrow. (welcome to our home...you better wear shoes cause you are about to step on toys of all different shapes and sizes!) merry christmas to you and yours: from me, my coupon cutting husband...and our two church going chimpanzees!

spirit

ah yes, so here we are at christmas eve day...best damn day of the year of you ask me. (coming in second to the first day of summer vacation, naturally.) the anticipation of santa clause, seeing family you haven't seen for a while, the overall joy and kindness of people around you. it's just excellent. anyways, i thought it would also be a good day to share the last of my classroom elf on the shelf's adventures. doodle had a good run, but i am not crying in my cheerios that he won't be back in january. this little magical elf should've been coupled with a large bottle of excedrin. (and served with a side of extra patience.) although these elves are supposed to make kids want to behave in the weeks leading up to christmas, the excitement he created kinda caused the whole idea to backfire. anyways, here is what happened last week when the stuffed elf went rampant in the room.

monday.

everyday, i write the date and three sentences on the chalkboard. we read these together and talk about different words, letters, punctuation, and the children also come up to the board to read them. i rigged doodle up with a magnet and he had a special message for the kids. i was hoping to drive home the "santa is watching" part of the elf's magic. (ie/ let's not act crazy today.) however, as they came into the classroom and looked around for him the normal excitement ensued when they spotted him. one kid yelled, "LOOKKKKK!! he can WRITE! he's so smart!!" when i picked my lucky winners to read the sentences, each came up to the board, eyeballed doodle, and then read proudly to the class. doodle seemed to be a confidence booster, because i picked one of my shiest students and she came up and read louder and prouder than i have heard her read all year. (i need an elf costume. seriously.)

tuesday.

the kids in my class are super excited about puzzles. so i went to the dollar store last week and stocked up on some new ones for playtime. when they came in tuesday and saw this set up...they surrounded the table and the conversations about him began. "so do you think he'll SHARE at playtime??" was the general question. then they all turned to me and one child asked, "mrs. s, do you think that doodle will share his puzzles at playtime? you always say we have to share." i assured them that if doodle chose not to share, i would ask him about his choices. they all nodded. when the first student stood up to start playtime, she walked over to the table and said, "excuse me, doodle, would you mind if i did your doc mcstuffin's puzzle?" (good manners!) she slowly pulled it away from him and got busy. what ended up happening that day at playtime was this...the entire class pulled up chairs and was surrounded around the red table playing with the new puzzles. doodle was laying in the middle of it "watching" them. they were having conversations with him and i was cracking up from my desk. at least they were calm. (whew.)

wednesday.

i remember i was running late to school this day. getting a 1 and 3 year old out the door by 6:20am is quite a feat in the morning. when i got to school, i totally forgot about doodle. therefore, 5 minutes before the kids came in...i plopped him in the castle with his minions and hoped for the best. sure enough, they filed in and found him. they started calling him "king" doodle. however, i remember this day quite vividly, because the kids were absolutely bonkers. there was a full moon, the weather was changing, and combined with the holiday...it was a recipe for disaster. everyone was off the wall. i mentioned to my principal at my planning time how crazy the kids were...i told her it was like they were hitting up the christmas crack. she laughed hysterically and told me that she was pretty sure some of the teachers were also hitting the same pipe. anyone that doesn't believe that lunar and barometric changes effect people should visit a school or a hospital during these times. usually i can tell when it's a full moon without even looking at the calendar. as i wrapped up my day, i had little patience and energy left...but knew i had to suck it up for my own two sally's at home. i also knew i had to prepare some noodles for doodle's adventures the next day.  

thursday.

if you follow my stories, you may recall one that i wrote about a lesson that i did using the help of noodles. (see noodles) this was a huge hit and my students still talk about that day like it was the best day of their lives. we made noodle necklaces the day after this lesson, and they loved it. many of the kids asked me if we would ever make noodle necklaces again i told them probably not. so when they walked in the room on thursday and found this...there were high fives, cheers, claps, and major excitement. (over noodles and a magic elf. yes.) i asked the kids if they thought doodle wanted us to make noodle necklaces and there was a loud consensus of "YESSSSS!!!" (ok then.) i challenged them to create a pattern with the colors when they were making them, and most accepted the challenge and did an awesome job. they wore their chrismassy necklaces to lunch and there were ooohhs and ahhhhs from the other kindergartners, first, and second graders they came in contact with in the cafeteria. (they were pumped.) one child told me that he was going to be sure to keep this necklace in a safe place at home...because his dog ate the last one. (haha!)

friday.

for doodle's grand finale...i wanted to go big. with the help of dunkin donuts, doodle rolled some snowballs to share with my students. sidebar: i tried to make snowmen out of the munchkins using toothpicks, but i failed miserably. it looked like doodle when to a snowman shooting range, because they all had fallen over. (whoops.) anyway, i got some fake "snow" spray at the dollar store (that place is a teacher's best friend) and got to work. i knew damn well that upon eating the donuts, there would be an extra sugar rush in the room, so i had an extra cup of coffee that morning and pulled up my big girl panties...hoping to survive. as the children skipped, hopped, jogged, and jigged into the room...they surrounded the table and there were smiles a plenty. (including on my face.) as they finally settled into their seats, i walked around and shared doodle's donuts as they worked on their morning work. powdered sugar covered their faces and the christmas spirit had fully taken over my classroom. (well done, doodle.)

in closing, there are some days that i really don't think i can do my job. it's emotionally and mentally draining. i get attached to the children i teach...i share their joy, but i also share their pain. a lot of them have a lot more going on at home than i even know about and many of them have been through a lot more difficulties in 5 years than i have been in my whole life. however, what it boils down to is this...the kids i spend my days with always end up teaching me so much more than i teach them. their tolerance, kindness, joy, enthusiasm, love, laughter, and lightheartedness is something i carry with me all the time. so on christmas eve, i hope that you welcome some of this in your own life. i hope that you can embrace what really matters, like family and friends...and let go of all the other nonsense that bogs you down. (it's not worth it.) moreover, be kind to one another. you never know what other people are going through or who they may be missing this holiday season. as santa clause makes his way into my house tonight and our classroom elf on the shelf makes his way back to the north pole...i hope that my own kids and each of my students have a very merry christmas. (or whatever happy holiday they may celebrate!) i wish the same to all of you. i encourage each of you to channel your inner five year old this holiday season and always. if not...you are truly the one that is missing out. 

privacy

it's beginning to look a lot like...spring? it's the first day of winter, i live in maryland...and it's 70 degrees. (wtf.) mother nature seems to be behaving like a typical woman...very confused. (and also a tease.) hell, i'm not complaining....i hate the cold weather and you know damn well that next week old man winter will slap her out of the way and it'll be like negative zero again. i love it, but it's kinda hard to wrap christmas presents and bake cookies when you feel like you should be spring cleaning and planting flowers. this aside, i am so very thankful to have the next week and a half off. i can catch up on stuff like housework and play with my kids. that being said, this morning around 7am both of them were in our bed acting completely ridiculous. this is after we heard ella across the hall saying, "daddy! daddy! daddy! daddy!" (repeat 234 times) to come get her. they were fighting for arm space with butch and my one year old (who doesn't talk) sounds like a baby pterodactyl when she doesn't get what she wants. you know the scene in the movie dumb and dumber with "the most annoying sound in the world?" it's that (x10). i remember when ella went through this phase and i wanted to invest in earplugs. (the worst.) so she was screeching and ella was face palming her away as i said to my husband, "i need to go to the bathroom." this is code for, "please don't let them bother me for 5 minutes so i can poop in peace."

i guess he missed the memo, because about 3 minutes later...ella came plowing through one of the bathroom doors wearing princess heels and holding a wand, followed by her sister through the other door from the hallway wearing pajamas and a smile. i said, "can i PLEASE have some PRIVACY!?" to which they both starting laughing (not funny!) and then ella said, "i love you, mommy." i was eye level with her (because i was sitting on the goddamn toilet) and she leaned over and gave me a kiss. (getttt outttt!) there are little things you take for granted pre children...like being able to drop a deuce without unwanted interruptions from your offspring. (truth.) anyway, during breakfast, butch stated that he needed to run to the store to get stuff to make more boilo (just don't burn the house down). he told me he was going to take ella with him. (yes, please.) i said, "can you just take both and make sure you get the race car cart? i really want to get some cleaning done." (without a one year old trying to reinsert herself in my vagina.) he eyeballed me. i eyeballed back. he said, "yeah, i guess...but only if you get them dressed." (dammit.) ella is into doing everything "myself" these days so getting dressed sometimes takes a good 20 minutes. i let her do her thing even if she's trying to shove her head through the arm hole or put both legs through one side of her pants. in order for children to gain independence, you have to give them practice. (so i do.) it's painful to watch some times. (but also quite humorous.) with her shirt on backwards and her shoes on the wrong feet...they headed to the store.

as soon as they walked out of the house, it was eerily quiet. suddenly i didn't want to use this time to clean...i wanted to use it to drink my coffee and maybe take a poop...both in peace. i knew damn well though if my husband came back and nothing was done, he would ask me what the hell i was doing the whole time. drinking coffee and dropping a deuce would not be acceptable answers. anyways, i got a lot done in the hour they were gone and during my housekeeping duties i got a phone call from a friend. i was elbows deep in dishwater and as we chatted, i heard her three monkeys losing their minds at her house. she said, "your house is sooo QUIET! where are the kids?" (i explained.) i've come to realize that even if you can hear a pin drop before you get on the phone...as soon as you hit that call button it's like barnum and bailey themselves come into your house and set up a tent in the living room. (complete with elephants and clowns.) sometimes i'll be talking to my mom and she'll say, "it sounds a little crazy there...i'll let you go." let me go for what?! as soon as i get off this goddamn phone they will go back to being normal. (happens everytime.) so we hung up and shortly after this ella came back into the house yelling, "mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! mom! mom!" (repeat 324 more times.) i said, "what?" every other time she said it, but she was too busy repeating it over and over. when i was a kid, i distinctly remember my dad saying dryly, "pick a new word." whenever we would do the "dad! dad! dad! dad!" bit. suddenly this now made perfect sense. pick a new word, ella...and please don't let it be "mom." (slowly turning in to my parents, shoot me.)

with the weather being the way it is and my 3 year old requesting naptime at noon today (that happened)...i kinda feel like i'm living in the twilight zone. moreover, my husband tends to go through different phases over the years. his newest one being as follows: wearing a weird hat, thermal underwear...and drinking scotch. i don't know when he turned into a sixty year old man, but it's all very strange. he, of course, thinks that it's funny when i mention how what he is doing is weird...which makes him want to make it a normal saturday night thing. so for the past couple weekends, this is what i've been staring at on the couch next to me. you can't see the scotch and thermals, but i assure you they are there.

i'm wondering with the warmer weather, whether or not he will still whip out this ensemble tonight. if i was a betting woman i would say yes. so cheers to possibly another wild saturday night of wine and dateline with this manly masterpiece. (i am one lucky lady.) three days til christmas and 11 more glorious days spent with my princess and pterodactyl. praying for time to get everything done....and the privacy to take at least one poop in peace. please.

dare

i can't believe that we only have a week til christmas eve. december is going out of control fast. (isn't it?) anyways, last week, doodle (our classroom elf on the shelf) made his appearances and my kindergartner's reactions did not disappoint. we are in the last week before christmas break now, and i feel like i am no longer a teacher, but now the producer of the show "kindergartners gone wild: week before christmas edition." they are crazy bonkers and reigning their energy has been quite exhausting. this elf on the shelf business isn't helping matters, but there is no turning back now. (it kinda backfired.) anyways, this is how it went last week:

monday

monday we had a 2 hour delay due to bad weather. let me tell you that five year olds are driven by routine. when there is a disruption in that routine due to something like a 2 hour delay...they tend to lose their minds. moreover, when they came in and saw doodle sitting on top of the tv with a video...they gasped and one kid almost crapped his pants. (oh, and yes...i still use VHS.) one of them exclaimed, "maybe he is FRIENDS with FROSTY!???" i told them i thought he might be. later in the afternoon, i asked them if they thought maybe doodle wanted us to watch the movie? (it was all his idea, not mine...i swear.) they all clapped and were pumped to watch "doodle's movie pick" for the day. one little girl told me she was "so glad" he didn't lose his powers over the weekend..and that she was really worried about that happening. here i was worried about making a mortgage payment and she's worried about a stuffed elf losing his magic...sometimes i wish i was a kid again.

tuesday we had a snow day due to more inclement weather. if you think i don't get ridiculously excited about snow days, i assure you that is not the case. it's just as exciting for the teachers as it is for the kids. however, i know it's probably a huge pain in the ass for working parents...cause now they have to find somewhere for their kids to go. even though i love my job, it's a day off...of work. i spent most of that day playing with my own kids and getting my house in order, but baked some brownies and had some bloody mary's in the afternoon during nap time. (don't judge me.) i don't know what doodle was doing in the classroom, but i'm hoping he was chillin with frosty and friends on his well deserved day off.

wednesday

wednesday when they came in the classroom, the search for their friend was back on. they found him at the the back of the room at the art table coloring a picture...of himself. they were critiquing his coloring skills and all agreed that he did a fine job staying inside of the lines. (haha!) sure enough, during playtime...most wanted to sit with doodle and color. even my most sloppy artists were very careful to color inside the lines while in eyeshot of him. (because he's going to report back to santa!) apparently i should have been dressed up as a elf all year to get these kids to be more neat. during this time, they were talking to the stuffed elf and actually asking him if they could borrow his crayons. "doodle? can i please borrow a red?...oh thank you." and then they would take the crayon as needed. (so stinkin cute.) i was proud that they were at least being polite to our classroom visitor...even if he couldn't really hear them.

thursday

a parent had donated a box of scrabble cheese-its to our classroom for snack. my students have been having fun at snacktime making different words with them before they eat them. this gave me the idea to have doodle get in on the action. i sifted through the box to find the letters of his name and voila, we have a name spelling elf. when they came in to the classroom that morning, they were just as excited as they were the first day they found him. cheers, claps, and high fives for doodle. one kid said, "he's so smart! he knows how to spell his name!" by the end of the day, i noticed that the 'D' was missing from the plate and it now spelled, "oodle." i gasped and said, "OH NO! SOMEONE ATE ONE OF DOODLE'S LETTERS! he's going to tell santa, too!" most of them looked scared (good), but one of my mischievous children was looking awful suspicious. i eyeballed him a little longer than the others and he admitted, "okay, it was me...i was kinda hungry." (i almost lost it laughing.) we had a conversation about taking things that aren't ours and if what he did was a good choice or bad choice. i let him know that doodle and i were not pleased. he then apologized to me...and the elf.

friday

i'm glad i saved this one for a friday, because it caused pandemonium. (i knew it would.) i couldn't help but think of miley cyrus and her wrecking ball video as i balanced on my desk and perched him atop the apple. as stated before, the teacher edition of elf on the shelf should come equipped with a ritalin salt lick for the door...on this day, it was really needed. they flew in like santa clause himself was somewhere in the room and searched everywhere. when one of the kids spotted him, all hell broke loose. "LOOK! HE'S UP THERE! LOOKK!" (oh boy.) then one of them yelled (at me), "YOU put him up there! how else could he get up there himself!?" up until this point this week, there was no mention of me having anything to do with his position for the day. before i could reply, another child piped in and said, "she's way too short to reach up there! she didn't do it." (this is true.) they all nodded. i told them that because he was up so high, he had an excellent view of everyone for the day. this calmed them down a bit and they got themselves together. (for the most part.) when the last bell rang on friday, i ran out of the building like my hair was on fire. (doodle who?) however, i arrived back this monday morning refreshed and ready to go.

so here we are this week at the last five days of doodle's adventures and i let the kids know today that he would be leaving us this friday to head back to live at the north pole. they were ridiculously sad at this news and i kinda felt bad. (sorry for the doodle disappointment.) i mean, some shed tears. anyway, i'll be sure to share the last of his shenanigans as this final week comes to a close. christmas is just around the corner and full chaos and commotion has come into the classroom. if you think your own kids are excited and acting nuts at home, just imagine that on a much greater scale at school. (pack mentality.) if you still aren't feeling in the spirit this close to christmas, you are more than welcome to come join us in the classroom for an hour or two. my bet is that most of you would go running back to your regular jobs in no time, without ever mentioning again about a teacher's need for snow days or summer vacation. in fact, i dare you...and so does doodle.

debacles

our heating slash air conditioning unit is "on the fritz"...should it decide to stop working we are going to be "up shit creek without a paddle." (tis the season for shit to break.) like every other middle class family, we live paycheck to paycheck and if something large (like the aforementioned thing) should go...we are screwed. every time it kicks on, it's sounds like it's struggling...and you can hear it all the way inside the house. i hold my breath every time it goes on, hoping that it's not taking its last breath. (big debacle) anyway, this has been quite an epic week in our household. we converted ella's crib to a "big girl bed" (ie/took off a side.) now listen, i've come to notice something as my children grow and change. part of me, as a mom, dies a little inside as they become more and more independent. yes, i am thankful that i don't have to do as much shit for them...but it's kinda sad that they "grow out of" that particular phase and they will never go back. so pretty much, when they finally go off to college and gain almost all independence...someone better have a straight jacket and stretcher ready to take me off to the nearest looney bin. ella's graduation to a big girl bed sent me for a loop. (i cried, people.) stuff they don't tell you in the parenting books #212: you want your child to grow up and become more independent, but when they do you will be sad. (what the hell.)

in other news this week, i'm quite certain that my kids save shit to throw at butch when i'm not around. (seriously.) the other day when we had off for snow, i left for one hour to go to the gym. (one. hour.) i had a text when i came out that said, "both kids shit their pants and the dog peed all over the carpet." (oh, good.) then, last night i had my holiday party so i wasn't there for bath time. butch usually does bath with them on a daily basis, but i guess he got carrie out first and got her dressed in her jammies. she was running around upstairs as he got ella out of the tub and dressed. he explained that he heard screams and went in to see that carrie climbed back into the tub (that still had water in it)...in her pajamas and was losing her mind. when i got home he said, "you are not going to believe what YOUR daughter did! (MY daughter.)" i love when they do something wrong and suddenly your spouse had nothing to do with the creating of that child. all of their nonsense is your fault...they are now solely YOURS. (we can't be the only ones that talk like this.) anyways, here's a visual. she is the one that got back in the bathtub with her jammies on, but then decided that this was an awful idea and stood there and screamed. (dear lord.) so like i said, they save shit for butch. (sorry i missed this.)

anyway, exiting out of the bathtub debacle and back to the big girl bed debacle..the first night went great, the second night went great, and then last night there was a little bit of a speed bump in the big girl bed adventure. fen and another one of my friends (let's call her folly) came over to do wine and grey's night. so fen and folly are at my house and we are gossiping and talking like old biddies, when i heard a cry from upstairs and ran up to see ella sitting upright on her bed...tears a flowin. i asked her what was wrong and she just cried. (no words...just snot and tears.) so, i gently tucked her back in, she stopped fussing, and went back downstairs. (butch was in bed, across the hall...but didn't hear a thing.) after my friends left, i went up to go to bed about 11pm (way past my bedtime) and i found this:

i didn't know if she had fallen out of the bed or if she crawled on the floor herself, but it kinda looked like a crime scene. (we were just missing the yellow caution tape.) i felt like i was looking in on the jonbenet ramsey household, minus the beauty pageant pictures. i scooped her up and put her back in bed. i fell asleep immediately in my bed but woke up around 2am to screams again from across the hall. i went into ninja mode and went over to her bedroom. she was laying down, crying, and when she saw me she yelled, "I JUST WANT THE SIDE BACK ON MY CWIB, OTAYYY! JUST PUT IT BACK ON NOW!" (ummm...what?) i explained that we needed tools to do that and i couldn't do it in the dark. "JUST PUT IT ON NOW, MOMMY, WITE NOWWWW!" (holy hell.) i shushed her because if she woke up the other one from across the hall i was in for a whole other world of pain. (no worries, it happened later.) she wouldn't calm down, so i sent in butch to explain why he couldn't put the "cwib" back together at 2 in the morning. i went to our bedroom and said, "YOUR daughter (i went there. YOURS.)....wants the crib back together, you need to tell her no...she won't take no for an answer from me." he shot up outta bed and said (irate and disoriented), "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!!?" (whoops.) i dunno. he got her to quiet down and i was just falling back to sleep when i heard carrie screaming like hell across the hall. (whydeargodwhy.) i went over and got her.

when i brought her into our bed she was happy as a clam just smiling and poking me in the face with her chubby finger. games galore for that little gal. (i was not in the mood for games.) butch was just moaning shit next to me, something about hating his life. (we are on the same page, warren.) but anyway, she never went back to sleep, so i've been up since 4am. she thought it was really funny this morning when she went into wake up ella. ella woke up and yelled, "I NOT GET ENOUGH SLEEP!" (really!?) i said, "well me neither lady, so you better sleep tonight!" then she swung and hit me. this isn't her normal nonsense, so i tried to refrain from really laying into her, but i just said, "it's not nice to hit mommy no matter how tired you are feeling." she moaned, "but i'm soooooo tiiiiiwwwweeerrrddddd!" (me too.) so here we are on a friday night, fighting to just stay awake until 10pm so that we don't feel like total losers. jonbenet and her sister are both tucked away in their beds and i'm seriously hoping for a full nights rest. we didn't put the side back on her crib, and hope that she gets used to it soon...like doesn't fall out of it or have a mini stroke in the wee hours of the morning about the bars not being there. i almost believe that i have the only child on the planet that begs to put the bars back on?...but maybe i'm not alone here. (who knows.) 12 days til christmas, people! prayers are welcomed...so are offerings of peace, pinot noir, and heat pumps.

super

as i got ready to go out to my husband's holiday party last night, my three year old was eyeballing me the whole time and asking lots of questions. the one year old was also suspicious. i was putting on mascara as one kid was hanging off of one leg and the other one was trying to crawl back into my uterus and recreate her birth. (really.) i don't know how other moms feel, but when i actually get a night out i really want to do it up big...especially if it's with my husband. and by "do it up big" i mean shave my legs and straighten my hair. to top things off, i went shopping yesterday for a new dress. truth be told, i hate shopping. (hate it.) i tried on about 323 dresses and when i got to the register i said to the two (young) cashiers..."i don't know whether to go with slutty or safe." one of them yelped, "what!?" i went on, "well i have a sexy dress and a sweater dress here in my hands...and i don't know whether i should go with the slutty one or safe one. what are your thoughts?" they both lost it laughing and said i should just get both. the one girl rang both of the dresses up and said something about 95 dollars. (yeah right am i spending that on myself.) i laughed and said, "i'll just go with one. the slutty one." she said, "i don't think this dress is slutty looking." i said, "listen sister, let's call a spade, a spade...mary poppins would not wear this dress. it's not safe." after she got herself together, she agreed. the other one was cracking up and handing me an extra coupon. (i think she felt bad.) i mumbled something to them about never becoming a mother.

i have never met any of butch's coworkers before so i wanted to make a good impression. i wanted to look good...and mark my territory so to speak. it's the equivalent of a male dog peeing on things to let other dogs know that things are "theirs." (i speak the truth.) so along with the dress, i bought some new makeup. i put on some red lipstick in preparation for the event and walked into the bedroom after i applied it. my husband took one look at me and said, "oh...that's nice. you look like ronald mcdonald." and went right back to what he was doing. (not the look i was going for, warren.) he's lucky i have a sense of humor...because i lost it. i'm not kidding you, i was doubled over laughing. i said, "did you just compare me to a fast food clown!?" he said, "well you never wear that stuff...i don't know what the hell you are doing." (i don't know either.) i took off the lipstick and was still laughing about it long after i finished getting ready. (ronald mcdonald.) i also put on some dark eyeshadow to create the "smokey eye" effect and he told me i kinda looked like i got punched. (nice.) i also laughed about that one...but left it on. when fen arrived to watch the kids for a couple hours she assured me i looked nice. she also told butch he looked like he borrowed his sweater from bill cosby. (we all laughed about that one.)

the party was interesting to say the least, but it was still fun. there was a comical cast of characters that were there and i loved talking to all of them. one of the older ladies that coteaches with warren described him as "brilliant"...i just nodded my head and smiled. when she walked away he looked at me and just said, "did she just call me brilliant?!" i said yes...and then we laughed. as einstein and i made our way around the party, i met the secretary at his school, the principal, and several other teachers. during this whole time, they were referring to him by his birth name "warren"....and really i just know him (since 6th grade) as butch. i was able to bite my tongue a few times, but after a coupla beers i couldn't keep up with the charade. (i only ever call him warren when i am writing, so it was quite difficult.) i finally i broke down and told a group of people that during the day his name is warren...but everyone else in his life knows him as butch. (like clark kent and superman.) there were a few gasps, a couple nonbelievers, and then several had the general notion to high five him. (?) to really drive home the fact that i wasn't joking, i had him call my phone and i held it up. sure enough the name "butch" popped up on the screen. (people clapped.) he seemed kinda relieved that the butch nickname was out of the bag. i was also relieved because the miller lite was not allowing for any more acting. (warren who?) i think they expected him to rip off his bill cosby sweater and he'd have a big "S" on his shirt underneath. (superbutch.) when we got home, fen was holding carrie (who had woken up) and she looked like she'd been through a war. we thanked her, gave her a ball jar of boilo, and sent her on her way. best babysitter ever...because we can pay her in booze.

first snow.

we had our first snowfall in maryland today, and it always makes me feel like a kid again. (look at my kid's faces. that's exactly how i felt.) it also makes me feel like i want to bake and drink bloody marys...so that's exactly what i did this afternoon while they were napping. (who am i to go against nature?) as i whipped up a batch of brownies and the snow fell outside, i was perfectly content. butch was laying on the couch, in his normal position...scratching his ballsack, watching football. prior to the baking and bloody mary's, i had to run to the grocery store this morning for our weekly lot and i knew that i would probably be bombarded with a bunch of people that were out stocking up for the bad weather. sure enough, the store was mobbed and there was a shortage of milk, eggs, bread, and toilet paper. apparently when there is bad weather, people feel the need to...make french toast and wipe their ass more than normal?! (think about it.) the cashier was laughing about how many people were in the store and how bad they were freaking out. (i laughed along with her.) i have noticed that in maryland the hysteria is far greater than in pennsylvania. people lose their minds. a mere 2 inches of snow can shut down the entire state. (no joke.) hell, if there is ice involved, you better saddle up for a few days of going nowhere. when old man winter raises his fist, maryland cowers in fear. butch has a full snowbeard going on and is hoping for a day off tomorrow. moreover, the fancy dress is tucked away in the closet and the red lipstick is put away. i'll have to channel my inner mary poppins this week to deal with doodle, my class, and the two children that live in my house. as always, i'm up to the challenge. lois lane, over and out.

doodle

meet doodle. he joined our classroom this past monday. if you know nothing about this elf on a shelf nonsense...let me fill you in. basically it's a ploy to get your kids to behave in the weeks leading up to christmas. it is also a way to bring the magic of chirstmas into your house...or in my case, my classroom. there is a corresponding book that you read to the audience you are going to be entertaining with this little guy. it states that the elf goes back to santa each night and reports everything he saw during the day. here's the thing...the kids really believe this. truth be told, they believe almost anything you tell them. that's why the words of adults to children are so powerful. if you tell a kid they are worthy, they believe you. if you tell a child they are worthless, they believe you. your words are very (very) weighty to a child...so choose wisely. anyway, i read the book on monday to my class and the fun began. only one child stated, "that's just a dumb toy, he's not really magic!" (the other children gasped.) i ignored him, because i knew i could sway his opinion in the next couple of days. our first task was to name this fella and i did this by allowing each child to come up with one name and we made a master list. then, i pulled three names from the list out of a hat and each child voted on one of the three. doodle won. however, it was second to the name...michael jackson. (no joke.) i'd be lying if i said i wasn't totally pulling for the the king of pop. that name choice would've been awesome. (MJ the elf? yes.)

tuesday.

on tuesday morning, the kids blew into the room like they were fired out of a cannon. they were exceedingly excited to see what doodle would be doing. they found him in the reading center, on a pillow...telling a story to a group of stuffed animals. after they are finished their morning work, they are typically allowed to go to the reading center and pick a book to sit quietly until we start our 'morning meeting.' a funny thing happened on this day though, when they went over to the carpet, most sat facing the elf with their books, like they were reading with him. it was so stinking cute i couldn't get over it. the elf of the shelf story states that if a child touches him, his magic will be lost..so they were all really careful not to lay a finger on him. remember the kid that said it was a dumb toy? when he came to the carpet to read his book, one of my rowdy knuckleheads got a little too close to doodle...and then it was the little nonbeliever who yelped, "STOP! DON'T TOUCH HIM! HE'LL LOSE HIS POWERS!" (hook, line, and sinker.) and onto day three.

wednesday.

as the kids were lined up in the hallway to come into the classroom on wednesday, one of my favorite little girls smiled a big smile and i saw that she had lost one of her front teeth the night before. (it was wiggly the whole day on tuesday.) i said, "oooooo! it came out! did the tooth fairy come!?" she said, "yep! and she brought me 2 whole dollars!" i told her that her tooth fairy must have gotten a side job, because when i was a kid...she only brought me a dollar. anyways, they all hustled into the classroom like their pants were on fire and started searching for their friend. they found him playing a game of jenga. (giggles galore.) one of the kids asked, "how did he BUILD that!?" i just shrugged my shoulders and told him that i'm guessing he got back from talking to santa early and had some time to kill...so he decided to play a game. at playtime, they were super careful not to knock down his tower or touch him. the little girl who lost her tooth skipped over to my desk and said, "so he only moves when it's dark right?" i said yes. she exclaimed, "i wonder if he was hanging out with the tooth fairy last night?!" i smiled and thought that this was an excellent assumption. onto day four.

thursday.

so doodle got into my paint stash on wednesday night and this is what the kids found on thursday morning. they were jacked up about it and one of them exclaimed, "ohhhh mannnn, he got into your paint mrs. s! we aren't allowed in the paint closet...and then turned to the elf and said, "WAS THAT A VERY GOOD CHOICE, DOODLE?!" it took everything in my being not to laugh. when i discipline children, i always ask them if they, "have made a good choice or bad choice" and here was this little girl asking this stuffed elf about his choices. (awesome.) i had one of my students pull a magazine out of her bookbag first thing after she walked into the room. (i could see it was a bed, bath, & beyond ad) she walked toward me, her hands were shaking and said, "i found this last night...doodle is FAMOUS! HE'S FAMOUS!" sure enough, in the magazine there was an ad to buy an elf on the shelf for $29.99. however, she didn't know about the prices and/or advertising...she just saw a picture of "our" elf in a magazine and thought he was famous. (that's just hilarious.) i gasped and showed the rest of the class. all their mouths went agape and they were in awe. (i laughed on the inside.) good god i love kids.

friday.

friday morning when my students skipped into the classroom....doodle was not in plain view. they had to search for him. they walked around calling, "doooodllleee, doooodlllee, dooodllee!" (it was funny.) they finally found him on the "road rug" (in the play center) doing this. (they were all hysterical.) laughter filled the room and they surrounded the stuffed elf and were making car and train noises at him, as if their sound effects would make him move. a little boy turned around to me and said, "gees! i just wish we could PLAY with him!...can i just stay here overnight so i can see when he moves?" (i don't think your mother would like that.) after they all got settled in their seats, they kept looking over at him to make sure he wasn't going to make any movements on the rug. (like drive away.) i caught one kid really eyeballing him and wondered what was going on in that little brain of his. i'm sure it was something awesome...like doodle was going to hijack the car to the cafeteria and snag some snacks. (a child's imagination is insane.)

so at the end of week one of doodle's appearances, i know my kindergartners all believe that he was watching them throughout their school day and reporting back to santa at night. i also know they believe that i had nothing to do with the way he ended up in the morning. (score!) quite honestly, i don't know who had more fun with this...me, or them. there is something so innocent and pure about a child's belief in santa claus, or an elf on the shelf. (or the tooth fairy for that matter.) they honestly looked forward to it each morning, and i looked forward to their reactions. it was awesome to see how excited they were and if i could bottle their enthusiasm...i would be one very rich woman. in closing, i will say this...i'm pretty sure that if that makers of "elf on the shelf" choose to make a "teacher edition" they should include a complimentary ritalin salt lick to place at the classroom door for each child to take a little taste of before they enter. (you heard me right.) the commotion that this little stuffed creature caused was uncanny. despite the ruckus that he created quite early in the morning (i prepared with lotsa coffee), it was totally worth it. i look forward to 10 more days of his presence and hopefully 10 more magnificent reactions out of the 5 year olds i spend my days with. whether you participate yourself in the elf on the shelf sorcery or you think it's stupid...i hope that my class helped you to become a believer. i know they really helped to put me in the christmas spirit...and at the end of the day, that's so much better than being a scrooge.

astronauts

just like many of my other posts, the material for this one happened purely by accident. surely, i can't make up the nonsense that goes on in my house...nor would i want to. whenever i feel like i'm going to run out of stuff to write about, another incident happens. (such as the one that follows.) i was making dinner yesterday...and by "making" i mean heating up some broccoli from the night before and pulling a pork loin out of the crockpot. (good god i love my crockpot.) i was also cutting up some strawberries for the kids as a side, since i always try to throw a fruit in there for them...it makes me feel better about their meals. here's some mac and cheese...and some strawberries. (take that, food pyramid.) anyways, as i said, i was making dinner and the kids were running around the kitchen slash living room (it's a big loop). carrie had found an empty 12 pack soda can box next to the recycle bin and started playing with it. this was shortly after she had pulled every tupperware container out of the cupboard and also had a mixing bowl on top of her head. ella was sashaying around (pretending to be a princess) and happened to catch a glimpse of her sister. she's pretty good about sharing (carrie, not so much), but shortly after their encounter...i heard screams and ran around the corner to see this:

434 toys in the house...but let's fight over an empty soda can box. (whygodwhy?) after i broke up the tug of war, which i'm pretty sure ella (look at her face) only started just to get carrie wound up...i yelped, something about if "they couldn't share, i was just going to take the box and no one would play with it!" (oh my god, i'm turning into my mother.) then, ella said, "can't you just cut it in half and we can both have one?" in theory, this sounded like an excellent idea. i was so chalking it up to a parenting win (and wanted to do it)...but i didn't know how the short chunky one (who doesn't use any words) was going to feel about me taking a knife to her beloved box. i held up the knife (that i was using on the strawberries) and explained i was going to cut the box in two. carrie nodded her head yes, so i proceeded. (had she screamed like a nutball, i would've refrained.) the two of them were looking up at me like i was magical. i'm cutting a coke box in two...and now qualify for mother of the year. (yes!) i handed them each half and christmas came early at my house. carrie immediately put it on her head like a hat and ella decided that the box was now a pair of binoculars. she quickly said, "carrie, hurry! we gotta go lookin' for birds!" they ran around the living room for about 15 minutes hunting for (imaginary) birds...carrie in her hat, ella with her binoculars. here's a visual:

butch still hadn't come home from work...so we had some more time to kill before dinner. they got kinda tired with the bird watcher bit, so i took the boxes and cut some more holes. ella instantly put it over her head and said, "heeyyyyy i'm an astronaut now! come on carrie! let's go to the moon!" as i put the finishing touches on dinner (by making some instant rice...so fancy), they ran around like they were at space camp. ella got up in the bay window and was pretending like she was in a rocket ship. she was "counting down" saying "4, 10, 1, 18, 34....BLASTOFF!" (close enough.) carrie was just laughing her head off acting like she knew what was going on, but really i'm not so sure. all i know is, she was having fun. (giggles galore.) when butch finally blew through the door, he said, "ooooo robots!" (to the kids) when he saw them. ella quickly corrected him and said that they were, "ASTRONAUTS!" then he came around the corner to me and said, "why the hell do our children have boxes on their heads?" (haha!) i explained. as we sat down to dinner, ella was pissed she had to take off her helmet to eat. carrie didn't care about taking it off, cause food was involved. the kid loves food. (food > everything else)

more and more, our world is slipping into an age where technology rules. an age where technology is taking over, actually. an age where toys (for both adults and children, alike) are getting more and more expensive. in my short 8 years of teaching, i've seen many (many) children that are completely (for the lack of a better word)...spoiled. there is a certain sense of entitlement that comes with getting everything that you want as a kid, and i believe a certain lack of respect for adults starts to happen. (i see it on a daily basis in my school.) i already stated that my own children have 434 toys (give or take) in our house...so i'm not stating they they aren't spoiled to a certain degree. (they are.) but here's the thing...it doesn't have to be that way! in the end...you throw an empty soda can box at them and they are good to go. kids have fierce imaginations and will find stuff to play with. they figure it out. moreover, they are entertained by less than you think they are. how the hell do you think i keep 17 five year olds occupied for 6 hours a day? i certainly don't throw an iPad at each of them. i'm not dressing up in a goddamn clownsuit and making balloon animals, either. so with christmas around the corner, you may have a million dollars to spend on your kids or nothing...in the end, it really doesn't matter. yes, it's nice to be able to get your kids what they want...but even if they have 434 toys, they may just want to play with a box. (exhibit a, above.)

after ella got out of the bathtub, she came downstairs and immediately asked to put her astronaut helmet back on. (carrie just wanted a cookie.) she stood up in the bay window as we put lights on the christmas tree. butch was giving me hell about, "who would tie KNOTS in the LIGHTS!?" (i don't know, warren.) after the kids both went to bed, i went up about 8pm to (finally) get a shower. i stepped out of the bathroom, into the bedroom...just in time to hear the smoke alarm start blaring. (HOLY GOD!)  i ran down the steps in my towel and made the executive decision to rip it off and fan the fire alarm with it...just as butch flew around the corner whisper yelling, "SORRY! SORRY! I'M MAKING BOILO! I'M MAKING BOILO!" i smelled something burning...and there was smoke. i yelled (no need to whisper yell, the alarm is blaring), "IS IT ON FIRE!?!" he was frantically trying to get the (wrong) alarm off of the ceiling and made no mention to the fact that i was stark naked using my bath towel to disarm the other one. (par for the course.) after the (LOUD) beeping stopped and i was able to get dressed (dear lord.), i went back downstairs and he said that there "seemed to be" an overflow of boilo and it caused some smoke...hence setting the alarm off. (oh really.) i shook my head and said he better get me some as soon as it was done. bypass the ball jar and put it straight in a glass, butch! if sally ride and her sister would've woken up, i would've given him hell for the "boilo overflow." (daddy was just making moonshine, honey...go back to bed.)

as i sipped my boilo on the couch next to the christmas tree, we watched national lampoon's christmas vacation for the 287th time. (never gets old.) i suddenly realized why i enjoy that movie so much...the chaos in our house actually competes with the chaos in that movie. (not only is it funny, i can totally relate.) can you see (coal region) clark setting his kitchen ablaze due to a batch of boilo gone wrong? (i can.) so as we blow into week one of the holiday season, i know that the calm during thanksgiving was just a precursor to the christmas storm. i plan on treading lightly through the next couple of weeks...mostly so my house doesn't burn down or some shit like that. i don't know how long the soda can box astronaut helmets are going to be a hit, but i do know they were quite fun for at least an evening....much better than any ipod or vtech in the eyes of my children. oh, and if you were trying to figure out what type of soda box that is...it's diet dr. perky. (generic dr. pepper, people.) my husband got it on sale at the store this week. (of course.) coke and pepsi are for the rich folk...we coupon cutting commoners drink dr. perky and then our children wear the boxes on their heads. 20 days left til christmas and only the strong shall survive. fingers crossed we make it across the finish line, house (and sanity) intact.

sunday

i remember when sunday meant one of two things: a. we would continue the festivities from the night before. (sunday funday.) or b. we would lay on the couch and watch movies and marathons of law and order SVU. (sit on your ass sunday.) now that we have moved into the land of having little people...sunday is the day of the week that i have to get everything ready for the rest of the week ahead. (get your shit together sunday.) usually, grocery shopping needs to be done, laundry needs to be caught up on, i clean, i get meals together for the week, i pack stuff for the kids they need at the sitter. it's a day to get my shit done so that i don't have to run around like an assclown all week catching up. (but guess what, i still run around like an assclown...motherhood will do that to you.) stuff they don't tell you in the parenting books number 221: you will run around like a chicken with your head cut off most days, even if you think you are prepared. anyways, i do miss sunday funday and sit on your ass sundays very much, but they just aren't in the cards for me anymore. today as i put in the 3rd load of laundry and put away the groceries (that the coupon clipper that is my husband got at the store)...i wished i could just sit on the couch and catch up on some mindless nonsense on the boob tube. (my dad used to call the television this, i still find it humorous.) the boob tube. (yes.)

before starting my sunday chores, i decided i really needed to go to the gym. i have spent the past five days imbibing in holiday food and cheer. not only did i need to go to the gym...a brief stay at the betty ford center is also in order i believe. my fitness center was packed, so i know i wasn't the only one feeling this way. (at least about the former statement.) as i hopped on the treadmill, i flipped the attached tv to the food network. i can't be the only asshole who watches chefs cook up loads of calories as i'm trying to burn them off. seems a little counterproductive if you ask me, but i know i'm not alone. i see other people tuned into the same channel and sometimes they put it on one of the big screens. (assholes aplenty.) sometimes i flip back and forth between that and sports center, so that i feel better about myself. (whatever.) as i started to sweat, i'm quite certain that both butter and booze were oozing out of my pores. i felt a little lightheaded a coupla times and also choked down some vomit at about mile 2. i hadn't taken off my mascara from the night before, so it was running down my face. (hot.) i really don't give a rats ass how i look when i'm there, but the blonde walking (ever so carefully) next to me was looking ready for the miss america pageant in her matching getup and her perfectly placed ponytail. (why.) to me, that's kinda like going out to dinner dressed in sweatpants and a sportsbra. (makes no sense.) to each his own, i guess.

i try not to judge, however there are two such patrons that really get me mentally wound up...one of which are the ones dressed in jeans. i possibly can't think of anything more uncomfortable than doing a couple of miles...in denim. a lady next to me was walking on a severe incline wearing levi's. i give her kudos for being there, but dear god lady get some shorts or something. i mean, can you imagine sweating in jeans? probably just as uncomfortable as swimming in jeans. (gross.) however, she was acting like she was climbing kilamanjaro, hanging on for dear life...her stiff pants not allowing for much movement. stop laughing, i know you've seen these people. alright, so the jeans make me nuts...and then there is an example of men like the gem that was next to me on the elliptical, who also make me crazy. after i completed my treadmill workout, i decided to hop on the elliptical on my way out, cause i could still feel figurative greenbean casserole hanging off of one ass cheek and potato filling hanging off the other. i got on a machine next to a man, probably in his mid forties,  bald, and kinda big. my ipod had died (i hate when that happens), so i didn't have my headphones in. all of a sudden (to my dismay) he began raping my ears with grunts, groans, and moans. (rape of the cochlea.) i didn't know whether he was simply raising his heart rate ...or if he was humping the handlebars. this guy was going to town, letting everyone know how good (or bad?) his workout was. his buddy came over to him at one point and asked him if he was ready to go and he said no. i almost piped in that it sounded like he just needed another minute and would also need a cold shower on his way out. (wish i would've.) so the jean wearers and the grunters are annoying at the gym, and i always happen to run into one or the other. (you prolly do, too.)

so anyway, after completing my workout next to ron jeremy, i felt like all the butter and booze from the past couple of days had evacuated my system. (thank god.) i started to feel human again....and that's always a good thing. i made my way back home in time to say goodbye to my inlaws, who are heading back out of town. having them here the past week was almost like having hired help. my mother in law was cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids...while my father in law did laundry. i could actually go to the bathroom without a little one beating down the goddamn door and i could get other household things done without a 1 or 3 year old tumor attached to me. (glorious.) moreover, today we got our christmas tree! (little full, lotta sap.) tis the season for my husband to start quoting clark griswold and company. as we decorated the house, i would've much rathered a sit on your ass sunday instead. however, it did put me into the holiday spirit. i have always loved christmas time. people seem to be nicer, kinder, more tolerable. now that i have my own kids, it's even more fun cause the magic of santa is back in the house. i also plan on doing this elf on a shelf nonsense with my kindergarteners. (stay tuned!) it's just an overall great time of year...and it makes old man winter just a little more bearable. i hope this week doesn't lead me to run around like an assclown, but i know it's gonna happen. (inevitable.) so here's to the holiday season and hopefully staying out of the betty ford center...may your days be merry and bright!

family

when i woke up this morning, i was laying on my side and carrie's blonde baby head was ever so gently nestled...between my breasts. her feet were lounging on my husband's...esophagus. she was completely perpendicular to both of us, and seemed very comfortable. (i was not comfortable.) alas, yet another wake up call from her at 4am led her to our bed. it's always a rare treat when that happens because suddenly you are laying with a 25 pounder that has no regard for other people's body parts. (balls and breasts are never safe.) i have no idea how people "co-sleep" with their kids. i know a few families that do this nightly and i can't wrap my head around it. i'm guessing that it gets easier...but in my house when it happens, it is far from easy. (it's absurd.) anyway, i woke up around 6am, but didn't want to wake her so i laid there and stared at the ceiling until she started moving around 8am. now, truth be told, if she was in her own crib for the night...she would've been up at the ass crack of dawn squawking at us from across the hall. i guess the warmth of my breasts and the lower body elevation from butch's esophagus lead her to a longer slumber. (joy.) my head was a little fuzzy when i "woke up" (using that loosely) and she just sat up, smiled, and acted like we have been sleeping like that for her whole life. (like it was the best thing ever.) newsflash sister...you are back in your own bed tonight.

our house has been quite full the past week. my husband's parents flew in from out of state and my parents and brothers arrived last night. although i despise traveling on thanksgiving, it's still a little crazy hosting everyone at our house. our home is a zoo most days of the week, but add a few extra family members into the mix and it's a full blown circus. strangely, this visit has been quite calm though. last year i was postpartum and dealing with the sleepless nights of a newborn, my mother was menopausal. turns out this is a lethal combination. at one point i snapped at her laying the sarcasm on quite thick and shortly after she disappeared. after about 15 minutes i said, "where's mom?" to my brother. he said, "she's upstairs crying in a room because you snapped at her." (oh my god.) so you see, lethal. a few days prior to this, my inlaws were watching my girls and my mother in law accidentally put boilo in ella's sippy cup. i got home from work and she said, "ella wouldn't really drink anything all day?!" i realized what happened and after knowing she didn't have alcohol poisoning, we all had a laugh. this is what the holidays are all about though, right? your family making you nuts? mine do a bang up job of this on a daily basis, so it's just an added bonus on the holidays. again, this year has been quiet, so i'm kinda wondering if it's just the calm before the storm. however, we have had a broken wine glass and my brother and husband are currently starting a fire (with gasoline) in the backyard...but these are just minor details.

this week, i asked my kids at school to tell me something that they were thankful for. i explained that when you are "thankful" for something you are really glad that you have it in your life. surprisingly, i expected them each to mention a toy or video game or something like that. they didn't. here is their list:

my favorite was mushrooms. (yes!) the little boy who shared this one said it with a dead straight face. i asked him why he was thankful for mushrooms and he said, "because they are just so good." (ok then.) i think we, as adults, can learn a lot from this list. when the first child said, "family." there was nothing but nods in agreeance and conversation about why they were all so thankful for their families. it actually turned into a full blown discussion. it was refreshing to hear. what it boils down to is this...parenthood isn't pretty, as this morning's wake up displayed. also, families are all different and made up of cast many different crazy characters. but through it all, your kids appreciate you. they appreciate you when they use your breasts as a pillow and they appreciate you when you accidentally put boilo in their sippy cup. they really just appreciate your presence. so today and everyday, i'm thankful for my family, for my kids, and also for simple things like mushrooms. (because they are just so good.) after three days of cooking, 43 pounds of butter, and countless bloody mary's...my house will soon resemble a morgue. (not much movement.) my work here is done. moreover, my heart and recycle bin are full...so i know it's definitely been a good week.

noodles

this week we are learning about the letter N in my classroom. on monday, we started by reading the story strega nona. if you aren't familiar with it, it is about an old woman in a town who is the source for cures, potions, comfort, and magic. she also owns a pot that can make noodles when she says a specific poem. so yesterday i decided to bring in my own "magic" pot and make some "magic" noodles of my own. on tuesday, we discussed the story and i told the kids that this aforementioned activity would be happening the next day. (gasps!) as they lined up outside of the classroom yesterday, i could hear a commotion in the hallway. when i walked out, i was bombarded with questions,"did you bring it!? did you bring your magic pot?! is it IN THERE!? " (pointing in the classroom) i told them that it was in on my desk and we would be using it during reading time. (high fives and giggles galore.) prior to them coming in the room, i ripped apart a bunch of packages of ramen noodles and broke them into the (magic) pot and put on the (clear) lid. they swarmed into the classroom like a bunch of anxious bees...and all buzzed to my desk. after telling them to slow down (sheesh!), i just listened to them discussing the pot of (10 cents a package) noodles. there were a billion oooos and ahhhhss...but mostly, their chatter was recalling information about the story that we read the previous day. (score!) plus, their excitement was palpable. (if i stuck out my tongue, i could taste it.)

my "magic" pot.

even as they all sat down and got started on their morning work, some kids wandered back to my desk to ask me questions...as they were standing there, each was eyeballing that pot as if it really had magic powers. (awesome.) as we worked our way through our carpet time, calendar work, and reading some sentences on the board...i must've been asked no less than 234 times when we were going to "do the noodles." so finally, after i completed the "mandated" curriculum worksheets with them...we got down to business. i borrowed a single burner from a colleague and i slowly poured water over our noodles. (adding a little long pour/short pour action for good measure.) during this time, i had someone retell the story in their own words and another student give a summary. we talked about the characters, the plot, and the setting. then, i put on the lid and told the kids they could stand on their chairs. (they loved this.) they all raised their little arms and put their hands toward the pot and recited the same magic saying (oral language skills!) that strega nona did in the story to get the noodles to boil. (most had it memorized.) i swear to you, they truly believed that their words were going to make that (calphalon) pot full of (ramen) noodles boil. they believed it down to their very being. while we waited for the pot to boil, we went back to the carpet and i read them another story entitled the magic porridge pot.  same story, told in a different way. (porridge vs. pasta) then, we discussed how the two stories were alike and how they were different...we made a venn diagram to show this. they we graphed our favorite story. (more math.) however, when the pot finally started to boil, they lost all control and i lost all of their attention. (i had anticipated this.)

i seriously thought half of them were going to pee their pants and the other half were going to pass out. (they. were. pumped.) as the steam rose up into the classroom, i lifted the lid and the noodles were nearly to the top. in the story, strega nona recites a different poem to make the noodles stop boiling...but it doesn't stop until she blows three kisses at it after she recites it. (part of her magic.) so again, they all stood on their chairs, arms raised, hands toward the pot...and repeated the magic poem to get the pot to stop. (i discreetly turned the burner off.) i then told them they we were going to eat the noodles! (cheers all around!) as i walked back to my desk to get the bowls and forks, i heard one of my students yell..."BUT MRS. S! WE FORGOT TO BLOW THE THREE KISSES!!" gasps filled the room, one kid screamed, another almost started crying...because in the story, one of strega nona's workers steals her pot and says the magic words, but forgets to blow the three kisses. the noodles kept flowing out of the pot because of the this and they covered the town. (the kids were legitimately worried.) i saved it by saying, "everyone, quick! get back on your chairs and let's blow the three kisses before the noodles cover the classroom!!" (i do this stuff with a straight face. i have to be believable, people.) they all hopped up on their chairs and we blew the three kisses at the pot (that i got as a wedding gift). one kid then yelped, "WHEW! that was CLOSE." (HAHA!) while they were eating, i did a shared descriptive writing activity. they had to give me words to describe the noodles. (they did awesome.) they blurted out "salty!, good!, yummy!, stringy!, delicious!, hot!" i wrote these words down on a giant bowl of noodles that i had drawn on the board. we sounded out the words and talked about each one.

at the close of this lesson, most of the kids were sad it was over. (as was i, it's one of my favorites.) however, i'm sharing this story for another reason. it seems at the moment there is huge controversy about "the common core." basically, it's a new trend that is taking over education and it is trying to reinvent the wheel. just know this...i do what is expected slash required of me in the classroom. i follow the common core as much as i can. i sit through staff meetings and trainings about this new nonsense. i read literature on it. i do the required  paperwork and worksheets with my students. however, at the heart of it all...i have one goal. my goal is to teach my students in a way that they will learn and make sure they have fun while doing so. i want them to be excited about school, about learning, about the letter N! i want them to walk in feeling as excited as they did yesterday and have them leave knowing they have learned something. sure, i (merely) made a pot of ramen noodles...but as you see from my story, it was so much more than that. i didn't see "ramen noodles 101" in my curriculum framework, i didn't read about it in a learning map, it wasn't part of my pacing schedule...i just know that at the end of the day, that they would gain auditory and visual recognition about the letter N (noodles from nona!) in a fun and exciting way. (goal met.) i just hope that as my own child (ella) enters kindergarten in 2 years (gulp.)...that she has a teacher that can look beyond such things as the common core and state standards. a teacher that can think outside the box, a teacher that can cover what she has to, but that can give the kids what they need...a teacher that will make magic noodles for the sake of the letter N.

most teachers have the same mentality as me. (trust me.) i work with some awesome (awesome) teachers and know even more of these individuals personally. we care about your kids and we want them to succeed. we get annoyed with trendy waves such as common core and do what we see fit while in the confines of our classroom as much as we can. i didn't mention that at the end of this lesson, i had a child that wasn't feeling well and vomited a full belly of noodles all over my boots. (oh boy.) as i cleaned up his hands, face, and shirt (and sent him to the nurse), the other students (who were not vomiting) were drawing pictures of their favorite part of the noodle lesson. (art integration). today i had at least half of the kids ask when we were going to, "make the noodles again" i explained that this ship has sailed and we weren't going to make anymore noodles anytime soon. (booooooo.) however, i do have another teacher trick up my sleeve for tomorrow! after our (required) worksheets, we will be making noodle necklaces! (really driving home that N sound.) i dyed noodles tonight using rubbing alcohol and food coloring and they are going to sit and string them up. i will encourage them to use patterns (math!) and this is also an awesome activity to help with fine motor skills. sounds so simple right? noodle necklaces? well every year, they lose their minds. i wish i could get excited about anything as much as they get excited about noodle necklaces. so at the end of this week, i know a couple of things for sure: i know that my students have met our weekly state standard by gaining auditory and visual recognition of the letter N and i also know they have acquired and practiced many (many) other skills in the process...but not without the help of ramen noodles, strega nona, and noodle necklaces. take that, common core. i win.

teething

up until this point in her 17 months on this earth, carrie has only cut 8 teeth. so naturally, on the eve before butch leaves for a week she has decided to cut....the rest of them. (i swear, like all of them.) the past three nights she has been up in the middle of the the night and ended up in our bed. she is as miserable as cat piss and wants us to pay for her pain. plus, she also has had a virus which has given her an added high fever to boot. (the past couple of days have been a lot of fun.) friday night, i woke up to her screaming across the hall and after questioning (once again) my choice to procreate...i went and got her. shortly after, i must have fallen back to sleep and i woke up at some ungodly hour to this:  i was on my stomach and i quickly realized that she was comfortably laying on her stomach as well...on top of my BACK. her chubby little legs were straddled around my neck. if there would've been poop in her pants, i would've had a front row seat to the shit show. (literally.) i didn't want to wake her up, but what the hell was she doing? am i your mother or am i a goddamn jungle gym? she's at least 25 pounds and she was lounging on me like a lady of leisure. i carefully pulled her off of me...and she woke up. (dammit.) at that point all hell broke loose. i thought for sure her head was going to spin around like the girl from the exorcist and pea soup was going to come spewing out of her mouth. throughout this whole charade, butch was soundly sleeping next to me. (he didn't move, scratch his ass, break wind...nothing.) luckily my motor skills were compromised due to lack of sleep, because a swift shot to the scrotum was definitely in order.

anyway, i do know that ella was also a late teether...but i really don't remember her acting like a mini hannibal lecter.  however, it might just be one of those parenting things that get conveniently erased from your brain. kinda like the pain involved in child birth, or the constant sleepless nights when they are a newborn, or the tyranny in the terrible twos. i don't think remember any of these things being that awful...but i know damn well when i was knee deep in these shitty phases, i wasn't a happy camper. things they don't tell you in the parenting books #287...when your one year old gets teeth, you will want to throw yourself off of the nearest overpass. i'm running on only a couple hours of sleep from the past couple of nights and spent my saturday morning at urgent care, just to make sure the fever wasn't due to an ear infection. (it wasn't.) my whole weekend has been spent taking care of a pint sized person that can't do anything to take care of herself. i went out with my brother (who was visiting) last night and felt like an animal let out of a cage. you know the scene in braveheart when he yells, "they may take our lives, but they will never take our FREEEEDOOOMMMM!"? that was me last night. (minus the armor.) however, i was so damn tired that my "freedom" didn't last that long. (it never does.) i tapped out after only an hour and let my husband enjoy his freedom for a while. when i heard squawks from across the hall around 2am, i seriously wanted to take a sword and sever my own head. instead, i snuggled my scorching hot, swollen mouthed, second born until she went back to sleep. i slipped in and out of slumber the rest of the night, and woke up feeling like a sack of shit.

i'm hoping that her chompers come through soon and her virus slips away. like the doctor said, it will just have to run it's course. i die a little inside when this is the diagnosis, because you never know how long the course is going to be or how painful it's path will make you. no worries though, when it finally runs it's course through carrie...she will graciously pass the baton to ella who will probably start with a fever mid week. butch is heading to the mountains of western maryland tomorrow on a week long field trip with his middle school students. (perfect timing.) in my mind, these trips have to be like a vacation to him...but he tries to convince me otherwise. i know damn well what goes on in our house on a daily basis, pal. heading out to the woods with a bunch of kids that are capable of wiping their own asses and have all their teeth intact? piece of cake. i'm just wondering what other tricks my one year old will have up her onesie sleeve. i'm sure ella will throw some other nonsense into the mix as well. children are born monkey wrenches and they love to shake up the show. the hard part sometimes is finding balance. although i felt like a walking asshole this afternoon, i laced up my sneakers, mustered up the last ounce of energy (and sanity) i had left...and went for a run. i've come to realize exercise is crucial to my mental well being. (bacon and booze help, too.) the week ahead seems daunting, but knowing other parents are going through the same things is comforting. (misery loves company.) i snapped the included picture today during carrie's most recent crying jag. at the end of the day you need to find your sense of humor, otherwise you will be looking for the nearest sword... to sever your own head. so fellow parents, please also choose to laugh instead of decapitate yourself, because i believe it's better for everyone involved...especially for the needy little creatures we've created.