backup

so let me start this by saying that most week nights are spent running around to soccer practices, making dinner, and all the other chores that adulting causes you to accumulate. last night we added some extra shit into the mix...literally. i will backtrack by saying every, like, three years or so, our pipes settle about 70 feet out from the house, causing a BACKUP. since we converted our garage into a half bath the backup heads to the lowest point of the house...the downstairs shower, and bathroom. as i sauntered in from a stroll with our dog jack after school, my first born was sprawled out on the couch with a plate of doritos (in her sports bra no less) and said the following, 'the bathroom is making weird sounds.' (cool.) i secretly said a silent prayer, because i knew said backup was imminent due to this. i heard the shower running upstairs and told her to immediately tell her father to turn it OFF. i also simultaneously opened up the pocket door of the downstairs bathroom and alas, there was feces seeping out of the shower drain into the shower, the toilet was full, and there were (in fact) weird sounds. (sick, i know.) i screamed like a teenager at a justin bieber concert. 

my husband came flying down the steps, shirtless and mid-shave, looking VERY disheveled. i said, 'we are backed up again...we need to call someone.' he said (and i quote, for later), 'i am not calling roto rooter, last time they charged me $888 dollars. i'm going to home depot, getting a snake, and doing it myself.' i stared at him. one thing you need to know about him is that he is a lot of things, but HANDY is not one of them. amazing husband, super father, educated, a great teacher...but not so handy. so when he said the aforementioned, bells and whistles started serenading me loudly in my head. (PLEASE call for backup for the backup.) instead i said, 'are you sure?' he said, 'yes, i'm not spending that again.' another thing you need to know is that the man is not CHEAP, but likes to save money. if you have been with me since his extreme couponing days (that really happened)...then you know. he flew out the door like his hair was on fire and the girls and i had a little chuckle, despite the fact that we couldn't use any of the toilets and all showers were off limits. i proceeded to grill some burgers for dinner and we sat down to eat while we waited for him.

as i put a bite up to my mouth, he flew back in the door. he was chalk white, and i knew something was very wrong by the looks of him. before i could say a word, he stated (in all caps), 'YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!!!' i didn't know if this was like the time he flew over the handlebars of his huffy or like the time he bought a sword at a renaissance fair and bounced our first mortgage check. so i calmly said, 'what.' (a statement, not a question). he went on, 'so i got the snake machine, put it in the back of my jeep, hit the gas out of the parking lot...AND IT SMASHED INTO THE REAR WINDOW OF MY JEEP AND SHATTERED IT TO PIECES.' (holy mary mother of...) the girls and i all made eyes at each other and immediately stood up to assess the damage in the driveway. sure enough, there was sizable HOLE, shattered glass, and a snake machine peeking out the now ruined back window. i yelped, 'it was on wheels right? why didn't you secure it?' he said, 'I DON'T KNOW.' he was shaking his head, but then opened the back door to remove the machine, as glass was showering him with a vengeance. i cleaned up dinner and he started working the snake into the drain. i then said, 'can i help with anything?'

he sighed and said, 'can you take the shop vac out front and clean the glass out of the jeep? (sure thing.) so here i am out front, elbows deep in smashed glass. he's out the backdoor elbows deep in human feces, and i could only think about what our neighbors were thinking. it was now pushing 7:30pm and this was all unfolding like the making of a very real comedy show (or horror film). after cleaning the glass, i went out back to help him with the snake, i was pushing some power button, he was pushing a pedal with his foot...and both of us were questioning every life choice we ever made. we couldn't even make contact for fear that we would either laugh...or cry. the snake from home depot had one speed...SNAIL. by 8pm, we thought we hit something and the drain receded so we thought we were in the clear, it took forever to get the snake back out, but when we did, we ran the water upstairs and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED. (one guess.) WE STARTED WITH THE SHIT SEEPAGE AGAIN. i had been pretty calm up until this point, but something snapped in my head and i went BEEEENANANAS. i went off about all the events of the evening, naming everything mentioned above and he then squeaked in reply, 'I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING CAUSE I JUST LIVED IT, I DON'T NEED A REMINDER!!!' i revoked, WE ARE TEACHERS NOT PLUMBERS, BUTCH!!!

at this, i went upstairs, cleaned my smelly parts with a washcloth like i was in prison...and climbed into bed. i opened a book and couldn't even concentrate on that. i went in to kiss the girls goodnight and my second born asked if she could POOP IN A BUCKET IN THE BACKYARD LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS. with that, i crawled in the my bed and pulled the covers over my head (better luck tomorrow). in the meantime, he was making an appointment to get his window fixed, calling an actually PLUMBER, taking off work, and making sub plans. anywho, flash forward to tonight. the snake is returned to home depot ($96), we have working toilets and showers ($435), the glass for his rear window is fixed ($556)...for the grand total of $1,087. i'm no mathematician, but that is $199 MORE than that original plan of roto rooter coming to fix it last night. also, we didn't use roto rooter at all, but a local guy that charged half that. so, it would've been $652 CHEAPER if not so handy man had NOT put his hand in the drain. LEST I MENTION, the extreme headache that ALL the other shenanigans caused. the moral of the story is: at the end of the day, shit happens...however, how one chooses to HANDLE that shit will make all the difference in the world. 

period

so let me preface this by saying that when my kids were babies and toddlers, i had a TON of material to write about. not to say our lives are boring at this point, but they are much more...quiet. at the ripe old age of nine and eleven, my children are pretty self sufficient. however, we are now entering into the land of hormones...and hilarious conversations. in january, my first born started her MONTHLY CYCLE as my mother likes to call it. explaining what was happening to her was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be. i gave her the cliff's notes version and kept the lines of communication open by telling her if she had any questions at all she could ask me. my best friend (we will call her fen) helped her to put an app on her phone to help track it. she came to me with a few questions, but nothing crazy. well let's fast forward to THE PRESENT and a few months have passed, we are currently on the same schedule. (look out, butch.) BUT, i digress, yesterday i decided to explain this phenomenon to my second born because she couldn't understand why her sister couldn't swim the last couple of days. THAT is where the hilarity comes in. 

my younger child was splashing around solo in the pool and i casually walked up to her and said, 'i know you have been upset that your sister can't swim, so i want to tell you why.' she looked slightly scared, as if i was going to say she was allergic to water or something and their summer was ruined. still, i went on...'well, she has her period, do you know what that is?' she looked puzzled and said, 'the thing at the end of a SENTENCE?!' (off to a stellar start here.) i laughed and said, 'not that type of period...but when you start to grow up and get older your body starts changing and once a month you bleed.' her eyes literally almost popped right out of her face, 'BLEED FROM WHERE?! where is she BLEEDING FROM?' (dear lord.) i said, 'her vagina.' thank god we were alone in the backyard because she then yelped, 'WHERE IS THE VAGINA?!' (prayers, please.) now listen, i have been pretty open and honest with my kids about their bodies and stuff, but my second born is seriously a different breed. you tell her something and she pretends to listen, but really she is thinking about rainbows and unicorns in that little head of hers. 

i pointed and said, 'DOWN THERE!' she then said (visibly blown mind-enter emoji), 'wait a minute...i know you have a hole to pee from and one to poop from, but you are telling me now that there is another hole down there?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ARE THREE HOLES?!' i was sipping water and it literally exploded out of my mouth and partially out of my nose. in that moment i wished it was a white claw or something stronger because i couldn't fathom how telling one kid about this was easy as pie, and then this other one is A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. (a whole different book.) in the meantime, my first born came sauntering out in the lawn and her sister stared at her HORRIFIED, like she was a character in a scary film. then the dog trotted out behind her and she said, 'WAIT, DO DOGS GET THEIR PERIOD'S TOO?!" i then had an legitimate outer body experience and somehow went into detail about the uterus and some other technical terms like i was teaching a health class. (holy hell.) she kind of wandered around the next hour biting her nails, and i could actually see the wheels turning and interacting with the rainbows and unicorns i talked about earlier. (at this point, i did crack a white claw.) 

my husband then was puttering around the backyard putting up lights and stuff, pretending not to listen as she rattled on about how she, 'cannot believe this'...and asking other random stuff like if she will have to wear a DIAPER when this happens to her. but about a month ago, the dog got into a box of pads upstairs (he chews everything) and came running downstairs with one stuck to his HEAD. (that really happened.) i said, 'remember when jack had that thing stuck to his head a while ago? that was a pad, you have to wear those, not diapers'. at this point i slowly turned around as butch emerged from the shed....wearing NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. he gave me a thumbs up... and the three of us died laughing. he kept them on and wanted nothing to do with our conversation. (i don't blame him, it was a doozy.) so as we enter these years of unchartered waters, i really don't know what awaits us. i've heard teenage girls can be scary, so that might be fun wave to ride. although i've settled into motherhood over the last ten years, it continues to throw me curveballs. this curveball was in the form of a white claw worthy conversation in a chapter that i will never forget. period.