calm

i received a wedding gift this past week. i got married in two thousand EIGHT...and i received a wedding gift just this past week. i'll give you one guess who it was from. yes, you are correct...my maid of honor, fen. she blew through the door last thursday night with a bottle of wine tucked under her arm, in true fen fashion. after a small discussion, we decided that one small bottle of wine would not be enough...so she went around the corner to her house to grab another. (go big or go home.) in the meantime, i opened the card that she brought for me. (and then died laughing.) you see, back in 2008 she did attempt to get us a wedding gift. she bought us a vine at a local (PA) winery and we were supposed to receive a bottle of wine from that vine each year. (nice, right?) well i got the paper work, sent it in...and then 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 passed with not so much as one lousy grape from that goddamn vine. she kept asking me about it, and i kept telling her that no, i did not receive anything at all. so anyway, it took her a YEAR to get a refund...and when i opened our second wedding card from her on thursday night, out fluttered a personal check. my best friend cut me a check for my wedding that was almost 5 years ago. (typical fen.)

so the next morning, upon waking up...ella was still in her crib and i was getting clothes out of her drawer to pack for the sitter. i held up a shirt and said, "is this okay?" she said (i'm not lying), "um...i dunno. i'm getting married today." oh okay then....WHAT?! i said, "you are?! to who?" she matter of factly told me, "to alec." (a little boy at her daycare.) i told her that had i known she was getting married today, i would've worn a fancy dress. she said, "no....ME. i wear a fancy dress. not you." (alright then.) 6am friday morning before work, i'm having a discussion about my daughter's wedding with her. (she's two.) in the car, she also told me that she would like some "beach music" to listen to on the radio. kenny chesney was singing to us, and she was smiling in the back seat. (parenting win.) when we got to the sitter, i told her that i'm sorry i have to miss it but ella and alec would be united in holy matrimony right there in her house on that fine friday. she said not to worry about it, she would take some pictures and send them to me. (ha!) where does this kid come up with this stuff...seriously. i guess i should just endorse fen's check over to her. (congratulations, ella.)

so onto saturday morning, in the wake of her honeymoon...she was wearing a ballerina dress and asking butch (who was still in bed) to paint her nails. he moaned, "ella, it's too early to be painting nails." she asked him why, no less than 34 times. i was brushing my teeth in the bathroom laughing. the amount of estrogen in our house is a bit overwhelming at times. i don't know if i've mentioned this in other stories, but butch has said that at some point he is going to get a male bulldog (with big balls) and name him snots. just so he's not the only male in the house. (yesss.) he was sitting across from me on the couch, wearing a t-shirt that says, "i'm not fat. i'm cultivating mass."(very sexy.) carrie somehow found a box of tampons and is playing with them on the floor. they were scattered all around her. like lincoln logs ala vagina. (totally normal.) 234 toys, but a box of tampons is much more inviting. (wtf.) butch looked up and saw this and just said..."what the...!?!?" (yeah, i don't know.)

sunday morning we were heading out of town, which means we need to fit the entire contents of our house into our SUV. i swear to you, doesn't matter if we are going for a night...or a week. for any trip, our car is JAM packed with loads and loads of shit. by the time we finally started driving, we didn't even want to go. (exhausting.) anyway, we left at normal nap time in hopes that both children would sleep. (yeah, okay.) neither of them did, but neither were a pain in the ass either. as we arrived at my brothers, butch unloaded the car and the kids started exploring his (non baby proofed) house. (hazards galore.) my parents were also coming to the party, and decided to take the kids back to their place for the night after the picnic. (works for me!) most of the people that came to the party, are people that have just gotten married (more recently than 2008) and do not yet have children. people (like the ones aforementioned) always think our kids are so cute. (and they are.) but they are cute for a reason...so we don't wanna hurt them when they drive us nuts. the cuteness is like the cherry on a crazy sundae. don't let their looks fool you.

one of my favorite pics from this weekend.

as we waved at my parents leaving, i did an internal dance of joy. no responsibilities for one evening. (puuummmppped.) apparently it was this mentality that prompted me to start shoveling pieces of fruit soaked in tequila down my throat...and also this mentality that prompted me to wash it all down with lotsa beer. i've mentioned before that liquor and i broke up years ago...for good reason. however, last night when i did a little tango with jose...he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and i couldn't resist. anyway, i woke up about 6am amongst a room full of boxes and other random stuff. i did not have one stitch of clothing on, nor a blanket covering me. i sat up (startled), rubbed my (contacts still in) eyes, and looked over to see warren who was also stark naked. (oh, good.) it didn't take long to put two and two together here...baby number three brought to you by mr. cuervo, folks. (good lord.) i shook him and said, "YO, what HAPPENED!?" he gasped, then moaned...then farted. (jesus christ.) my mouth tasted like a horses asshole and i felt like i could've drank an entire pool and it wouldn't have quenched my thirst. i tried to get my bearings together...along with my undergarments.

i stumbled downstairs (in search of a pool to drink) and saw my brother. he looked dead. like actually dead. i went over to see if he was still breathing. i shook him and said, "how are you feeling?" he moaned, "i'm at about a 4." (yikes.) then he tried to sit up, laid back down, and said, "no, make that a 2." (oy.) we are no longer 21. we are getting old as shit and still sometimes have the mentality that we just became legal drinkers. (fail.) shortly after this, we left my brother to his misery and climbed in the car and headed up to bumbletucky to get our kids. i somehow took some round about way, so an hour and 15 minute drive turned into almost 2 hours. 2 hours in the car with my husband, who i am quite certain was still legally lit...and he was talking incessantly. (just random babble.) my head was throbbing. at one point, i just said, "please be quiet. i can't take any more. just be quiet." he laughed his ass off. i assured him i was being serious. he thought this was even funnier. veering off into oncoming traffic was looking quite inviting...i then told him this as well. more hyena laughter. (get me outta this car.)

even though it was just one night...i missed my kids. although i had an awesome time last night, i woke up and just wanted to see them. they make me certifiably nuts, but i can't imagine one second without them in my life. (however, i needed to remind myself this several times over in the car ride back to maryland.) we loaded up the car (again), jam packed it with crap...and hit the gas. butch still looked a little foggy, so i drove. he also stated that he didn't think he could legally operate a vehicle just yet. (get it together, sally.) we left at nap time (again), thinking they would sleep. (nope.) i'm trying to block a lot of the painful trip out of my memory, but at one point...butch and i had switched driving responsibilities and i was in the backseat. carrie decided that it would be an awesome time to take a dump. can you imagine sitting on a hard surface and trying to take a shit? yeah, me neither. she was trying really hard, and was also constipated...she started screaming. so butch pulled off of some exit. (as he mumbled something about this being the worst day of his life.) i got carrie out and held her...but she wouldn't go. put her in the seat, more screams. (out of the seat, in the seat. repeat a couple more times.) still no poop. we decided to drive on.

she screamed for a good 5 miles and then she finally went...and i then pulled her out of the seat and changed her crappy diaper while juggling her on my lap in the backseat. (things they don't tell you in the parenting books number 233.) ella was asking 43 questions and yelling about the smell of her sister's creation. butch was gagging. i started laughing at that point. (what else could i do?) upon arriving home, we discovered the dog had puked on our rug. as butch was down on all fours cleaning it up, he yelled to me, "you KNOW...the thing is, we really did this to ourselves." i said, "did what to ourselves?" he said, "THIS! all of THIS!" (easy there.) "we didn't need to get a dog, we didn't need to have kids! we did this to OURSELVES. this pain is SELF inflicted!" (yes, you are correct.) as i laid both children down tonight for an early bedtime, i breathed a sigh of relief. (barely) made it through another day. if it wasn't for laughter, i seriously don't think i would make it some days. also, the next three days...i am doing a juice cleanse. so stay tuned for that nonsense. i'll need a lotta laughter to get me through the next 72 hours. i very well may lose my mind with no caffeine and no...FOOD. (fun.) as always, i take it one day at a time. remember to keep calm and carry on...and don't shovel tequila soaked fruit in your face. (duly noted.)

breakfast

i love breakfast. what's not to love about it? eggs? good. sausage? good. oj? good. bacon? don't even get me started on the bacon. coffee? yes, please. anyway, when i woke up this morning and there were no breakfast items in the fridge...i had to go get some. butch said that if i ran to the store...he would make breakfast. (done.) so i slapped on some shorts, a t-shirt, a long sleeve...and bounced down the steps. then i bounced right back up to get a brassiere, because i nearly knocked out my left eye. it was about 7:15am and i was going to the grocery store. (no big deal.) so the store was mostly empty and there were a few senior citizens walking around. i got some breakfast treats and then walked up to the check out. as i grabbed my bags, the cashier handed me a reusable bag filled with more groceries and said, "here, these are free!" (umm...what?) i was still half asleep and i said, "free?! what do you mean free?" she said, "just take them...it's just a thank you for shopping at our store today!" i eyeballed the lady, smiled, said thank you, and told her that she made my day. as i loaded the stuff into my car, i had one thought...butch is going to go NUTS. FREE groceries?! this would be almost too much for him to handle. (he did not disappoint.)

i got home and told him the story. in our "free" bag...there was a box of spaghetti, a box of raisin bran, dish soap, saltines, a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of bbq sauce, and a roll of paper towels. random, i know. but it was free so who cares. he was like, "what do you mean it was FREE!? FREE!? LIKE you didn't have to spend a certain amount or anything?!" i said, "nope..the lady just handed it to me and said it was free." he flew up the steps like flash gordon and i just was left standing there shaking my head. he came back downstairs in about 3 minutes (fully dressed) and stated, "i am going to get my free groceries, trish...i can't pass this up." (he was deadly serious about it.) i started making breakfast, cause i was NOT waiting for him. (bacon waits for no one.) about 15 minutes later, he blew through the door and he yelled, "DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!" (oh my god.) i spit my coffee into the sink, so that it wouldn't come out of my nose. he said, "well, it's all the same stuff you got, but it's stuff we can use...and it was FREE! FREE! plus, i got a whole pack of coupons, too. this is the best day ever." (birth of our children < free groceries.) okay.

by 8am, both kids were playing in the sand box. ella's hair was wild all over her head and she made a request for "crunchy steak" for her breakfast. this is what she calls bacon. crunchy steak. (i love it.) i also love that neither of my kids have any regard for shoes and aren't afraid to get dirty. i'm not being sarcastic either. carrie crawls around in the yard like it's no big deal, and ella was covered in sand from head to toe. both could care less. get back to nature, girls. (rock it.) so we sat out back to eat our breakfast, our neighbors already think we are nuts...so who cares. (not i.) i looked over at butch who was thoughtfully chewing his sausage. apparently he texted my uncle (amongst other people who live nearby) about the free groceries and my uncle's response was, "that's great. get a life." (hiiiiilarious.) i said, "what are you thinking about?" he said (and i quote), "do you think maybe if i shave my face and change my clothes that i could go back there and get some more free groceries?" i stared at him. i did not laugh. just stared. he went on.."or maybe wear some type of DISGUISE?" i stood up, went inside and poured myself some more coffee and sat down to write. no shortage of nonsense here. (ever.) he just left with ella to get some flowers for the yard at ace...because he has a coupon. odds of coming back with another free bag of groceries? i'd say pretty high.

mower

yesterday was one of the (two) days i get to go to the gym after work...i worked out and then came home, breezed in the door and all was quiet in the house. it felt like no one was home. (butch's car was in the driveway.) so i walked out back and this is what i saw:

i love how he waved for the picture. (whatta goof.) ella was sitting on a lawn chair watching this whole operation go down. now cutting the grass was not on the list of things to do on a wednesday evening. however, when he got the steaks out of the fridge for dinner and they were rotten...he had some extra time on his hands before i got home. naturally, strapping a kid to your back and mowing the grass was the best option. guess who did the grocery shopping this past weekend? (wasn't this girl.) he got the steaks on sale and they were nearly expired. so when he opened them...he said he was slapped in the face by the smell of fish. (good.) i said that i was surprised he didn't cook them anyway...and he stated, "i was going to just slap some salt on them and then grill the hell outta them...but i thought that might be a bad idea cause ella and carrie were going to eat them, too." so to be clear, had it just been he and i dining for dinner...i would now be in the ER, due to a fresh batch of e coli cuts of meat. (swell.)

while finishing up (cutting the front lawn)...ella was standing on the front porch clapping and cheering for him as he went back and forth with her sister on his back. i was inside, watching from the window and losing it. i was also wondering if our neighbors were watching as well. (probably.) i was also working on plan B for dinner, which included frozen fish and turkey sausages. (nice combo.) when butch came in from outside, he said he was "starving"...i rolled my eyes, because if i came home and plan A of steaks on the grill failed, i'd go to plan B. i wouldn't skip plan B, go right to F...and fire up the lawn mower. (but whatever.) i put carrie in the exersaucer as i was finishing up and ella ran out back to play some more. she came inside and i saw her walk to carrie. she then skipped over to me and said, "i dave tarrie a wock. she wanted it." i ran over to see what looked like a large wad of chewing tobacco in carrie's mouth...baby babe ruth. (nah, just a ROCK.) ella and i then had a serious discussion about giving carrie random things to shove into her chops. she said, "OOOOTAAAYYY." and ran outside. (probably to find more rocks to give her sister.)

butch came in after putting the mower away, as i poured a full cup of green tea into ella's sippy. (better than boilo!) when i was pouring it back into the gallon (to get milk), i said (outloud), "do you ever feel like you are losing your mind?" without missing a beat, butch said, "every day of my life. every day." good, glad we are on the same page here. i never did get a shower after coming home from the gym (due to the rotten meat debacle), and so i sat there sweaty and smelly to eat my dinner with the kids. ella told us about her day, "i play. i nap. i laugh." (wo, i wish i had that day.) however, something kinda cool did happen to me yesterday at school...i have lunch duty everyday, and i usually go into the kitchen to help the kids get their trays. a group of kindergarteners was going through the line, and a little boy named michael happened to get the last tray of chicken nuggets. there was a little boy behind him and he said, " i'll have nuggets, too." i explained that michael got the last tray of nuggets and this little boy looked at me, looked at michael, and said, "oh man! i really wanted those." and then...out of the blue, michael said, "i changed my mind, i want a bbq sandwich instead." i said, "are you sure!?" he said, "yeah...it's okay. i want him to have the nuggets, he wants them more than i do." (he's FIVE...and clearly awesome.) i was beside myself and hugged michael and told him what a nice thing that was to do! the lunch lady and i shared a smile over it...made our day. (it's the little things.)

today i decided that the safest bet for dinner tonight was just throwing a pork loin in the crockpot this morning. (no meat or mowers involved for the man of the house.)  when i got home from the gym this evening...butch was sitting outside in a lawn chair on his laptop, ella was playing with about 42 pieces of sidewalk chalk, and carrie was crawling dangerously close to a pile of dog crap in the yard. (but hell...at least dinner was all ready!) carrie then climbed up onto the deck and shoved a whole piece of chalk into her mouth. (ella screamed.) i picked carrie up, wiped the blue dusty stuff outta her mouth and called ella in for dinner as well. ella's new thing is to whine tell us that she "can't walk" when we ask her to do something she doesn't want to do. i told her she needed to come in and wash her hands for dinner and she fell in the grass crying and pulled her new scam. (she actually says, "i can't walk.") it makes us bonkers...and she knows it. i mean, how can you even argue with that? butch freaked out and said, "you were just RUNNING around the YARD, ELLA!!" she stated again (very matter of factly), "i can't walk." i thought he was gonna blow a gasket. (i laughed on the inside.)

and so, the lawn mower is safely in the shed, the award winning actress and her chubby counterpart are in bed, and i just found the remnants of the second to last binkie we have in the house. (penelope had a snack.) therefore, if ella's only pacifier goes missing (which you know it will) there are no backups. (if this doesn't sound like a big deal...it is.) anyway, tomorrow is friday and then another wild weekend of not alotta shit to do. (yes!) you know you are getting older when you look forward to weekends without plans. i do know one thing, i will resume my grocery shopping duties on saturday, and rotten meat (on SALE) will not be on the menu for the following week...nor will rocks or sidewalk chalk. (fingers crossed.)

octopus

two monumental things happened this past week in my house. carrie started consistently sleeping through the night...and ella started consistently climbing out of her crib. it's it just awesome how kids do this shit simultaneously. i mean, what are the chances of both of those things happening the same week? well, with my children...i'd say pretty high. i walked into ella's room one morning and there was a mysterious minnie mouse in bed with her and i knew damn well that it wasn't in there when i put her down the night before. i said, "um...how did that get in there?" she said, "um...i dunno." i said, "did you climb out of your crib?" she said, "maybe." i then gave her "the look." the look that says...you better not do that again or i'm going to go mommy psycho on you. she looked back at me as if to say, yeah, okay...i'll be doing this nightly, so just get used to it. (awesome.) that same morning, i left her in her crib and went over to get carrie and change her diaper. i peeked into ella's room and said, "i'm going to put carrie in her carseat and then i'll come back and get you." she replied (i kid you not), "WELL WHAT DO YOU HAVE TWO HANDS FOR?!!?" (excuse ME!?) she's two...i suspect that her teenage years are going to be pretty awesome.

along with my two year old's shenanigans, i'm pretty sure penelope was plotting some shenanigans as well. i came home one day from work and there was a banana peel ever so delicately laying on our living room floor. mind you, there were three banana's in the fruit bowl and she somehow took out one (from the bunch), peeled it, and ate it. was she laying around doing a cross word puzzle and got a sudden hankering for fruit? what the hell goes on here when we aren't home? i picked it up and said, "what'd you do!?" and she ran for the hills. i showed butch the perfectly peeled fruit and he just shook his head. shit gets weirder around here everyday. (and that's how i know i'll never run outta stuff to write about.) the cat also barfed upstairs on our white carpet, so that was also a tasty treat to come home to after working all day. i love my pets, but goddamnit...they can be assholes. that night, i came home, cleaned up a banana peel, cat puke, made dinner, did 2 loads of laundry, put an escape artist and her sister to bed...and then poured myself a glass of wine. (par for the course.)

so on this mother's day...i want what every mother wants. more arms (ala octopus) and a day to just relax. relax and do nothing. i cannot tell you the last time that happened...well, wait, i can. i was seriously sick with the plague. (so it wasn't enjoyable.) even if i had a day to do nothing, i could always find something to do. there are five billion things to do at all times when you are a mother and most of those things are for the little people in your house, or your husband. you get used to being a housekeeper, a laundry maiden, a lunch packer, a booboo kisser...so many roles, so little time. i know i complain a lot about motherhood, about all of the bullshit in entails...but really, i know i was born to do this. i still question my ability to not turn my kids into adult axe murderers (on a daily basis)...but i think all moms do this. i think we always question if we are doing things right, that we are not screwing up our kids in some way. i think you have to do your best with what you know and what you have...and then hope for the best. things have a way of working out.

my mom and i circa 1982

my own mother has taught me that i need to be flexible, that i need to tell my kids i love them everyday, that i need to make time for myself, and that i need to laugh while doing so. we don't see eye to eye on everything, and most definitely did not when i was a teenager. however, as an adult...she is one of my very best friends and i respect her more than she knows. she had and raised three kids...and she survived. (that's enough for me.) actually, i have a mutual respect for all mothers. your life and outlook changes significantly when you have children...as it should. you question yourself everyday...and if you don't, your two year old will ask enough questions for the both of you. we have a beach picnic for lunch planned, and a seafood extravaganza for dinner. i got a card from ella and carrie this morning, and it had $50 in it. (cash.) my husband thought cash was a good idea for a mothers day gift...we share a bank account. (oh, warren.) so today, i raise my glass to my own mother, to all the mothers i know, and to myself. motherhood is a wild ride...and one i don't want to get off of anytime soon. cheers...with all 8 arms.

the cash fluttered out to the floor. 

classy

sometimes i put hot sauce on my food...just so i don't have to share with my 2 year old. (no, i'm not joking.) i swear to you, doesn't matter what i'm eating...could be a turd covered in burnt hair, she will want a bite of it. hell, it could be the exact same thing she has on her plate, and she will say, "um, tan i try somea dat?" pointing to my plate. (identical to what is on her plate.) and so, i just started adding some tabasco and telling it would burn her little tongue. she lays off, because she doesn't like "ficey" stuff. sometimes i just. don't. wanna. share. (that is all.) and i can't be the only mother that feels this way. speaking of food...i kinda sucked goat balls this past month, as predicted. the first week i was off on spring break (hometown comfort food & beverages), the second week i celebrated my birthday (the whole week), the third week i broke my toe and could barely walk (let alone run), and the fourth week is when i finally got my shit into gear. i feel like i wasted a month...but oh well. (live and learn.) one friday night, butch and i went out to dinner and we were eating an awesome appetizer of bang bang shrimp. (whaddup bonefish grill.) i looked at him over my wine glass as he was shoveling them into his esophagus and he said (between chews), "umm..so...it's this PALEO?" i replied without missing a beat, "more like WHALEO." he was laughing so bad he nearly choked, i kid you not. fried shrimp soaked in a mayo cream sauce is not paleo...but awesome try. i also followed through with my life plan of having some dessert. ordered some, took a couple bites and they passed it to my garbage disposal of a guy. after that meal, i felt like a total piece of garbage...even the next day i wasn't feeling great. bang bang and bon bons were not a good choice.  so anyway, the first three weeks i didn't gain any weight...but i certainly didn't lose any either. two sunday's ago, i got back on the paleo wagon and cut out all processed foods, alcohol during the week, and got rid of the garbage. by last weekend, i was feeling much better and also down some more poundage. one thing i did bank on when i started this bikini quest...was losing weight. one thing i did not bank on...was buying new clothes. i have clothes circa 1999. i hardly ever spend money on myself...and now that i have kids, i rarely treat myself to anything. hell, i went into target a coupla weeks ago with a gift card for $25 and instead of getting a new pair of sandals i wanted...i walked out with an economy size box of diapers and a new outfit for carrie. (no joke.) the next day, my coworker talked me into going back and getting the sandals...which i did. (and then immediately felt guilty.) anyway, i have bite the bullet at this point and get myself some new digs...the ones circa 1999 are falling off of me and i look like a homeless person. (get it together.) a coupla nights ago, i was laying in bed...butch was on his laptop. and i don't know how to put this in a ladylike way, but my ass REEKED. all the protein in paleo does a number on my system. anyway, i was trying to be discreet about it...and he kept blaming the dog. (works for me.) so finally (after he couldn't take it anymore), he yelled, "goddamnit PENELOPE, get OUTTA HERE!!!" (i was still pretending to sleep.) penelope (who was under our bed) crawled out, walked around to my side of the bed, sat down, and STARED at me. as if to say, you better effing own that shit. (penelope was pissed.) well, that's when i started losing it. (convulsing and laughing hysterically.) my own dog was calling me out. butch said, "so it WAS you!? my god, trish." (still laughing.) he went on, "who cares how good you look in a bikini...if you smell like THAT?!" (still laying there losing it.) "go buy a goddamn bikini and WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT." (i had a seizure at this point...for about 5 minutes.) i could not. stop. laughing. i still laugh everytime i think about him saying it. and so, although i didn't really want to share about my gastrointestinal problems...i hope you laughed as well. (good lord.) and so, end of month four here. down 20 pounds from the start. (pretty awesome.) down another pants size as well. definitely stronger and in probably the best shape i've been in, in a very long time. also just going to throw out there that fen and i housed almost an entire pizza late last night and i feel like total ass today. however, today's a new day. a new day to deter my 2 year old with hot sauce. a new day to get back on the paleo wagon. a new day to look like a homeless person. a new day to blame the dog for my awful ass. a new day. warren has not lost one pound and wants you all to know that he is very happy about his decision to stay pleasantly plump.  (whaleo.) he came home last night after work with a pizza in one hand and a case of pabst blue ribbon in the other. ('merica.) and so, on to month five...and hopefully a 2 piece suit in june. stay classy, bitches...i know i will.

zoo

the enthusiasm in my classroom this morning was palpable. if you woulda opened your mouth, you coulda tasted it. this is one of the many reasons i love children. it doesn't take much to get them wound up about stuff. and for this reason, when parents tell me that their young bill shakespeare or al einstein is going to be bored in my class...i secretly scoff and laugh to myself. most children are self entertainers. if they don't have anything to stimulate them, they find something (anything) to be excited about. their imaginations are fierce. we could learn a lot from them, indeed. that being said, a trip to the zoo was almost too much for most of them to handle. (the school bus alone was a lot.) they were all about to blow a gasket when they walked in at 7:50am. i tried to diffuse the little bombs, but it really was no use. we took some deep breaths at one point...the inhale went fine, but during the exhale giggles flew out of their mouths instead of hot air. (fail.) they were extremely pumped.

on the bus ride there, we tried to harness their giddiness with songs...so that screams wouldn't come out instead. ernest, our bus driver, was eyeballing me in the large mirror the whole time...as if to say, "holy hell, lady, how do you deal with this all day, everyday?" i smiled sweetly and thought, "wine after work, ernest. lotsa wine." but really, i love my job. i hate getting up and going everyday, like everyone else...but when i'm there, i enjoy myself. another thing about kids is, they have a sixth sense when it comes to certain things. for example, if i didn't like to teach...they would know it. ever have a teacher that you really didn't like? 9 times of 10 this person a. shouldn't have chosen teaching as their profession. b. should've retired years ago. or c. was just a miserable human being, in general. moreover, if they know the teacher isn't into the lesson they are teaching, they won't be into it either. you can't fake it either. you have to mean it. (they know the difference.) sidebar: they can also smell fear...like bees and dogs.

anyway, we arrived at the zoo and they fired out of the bus doors like clowns out of a clown car. like monkeys out of a barrel. like horses out of the gates. i always split the kids up amongst the adults, so that they can kinda go and do their own thing. (divide and conquer.)  i always pick some of my favorites to stay with me, though. as we walked around, the questions started. a billion questions. about everything. (i feel like a walking encyclopedia at times.) i don't blame them...they want to learn. they want answers. they wanna know why that bird is in the tree, and why that worm is in the ground...they wanna know why the orangutan is eating his own poop. (oy.) and this segues into the power of the poop. i'm convinced if there wasn't one animal at the zoo...but just piles of poop, they would've been happy. they were obsessed with the poop, of EVERY animal. (even the fish!) i talked to my coworker and she also said, yeah...the poop was a big hit! all we talked about was poop! finally, i had to say, "enough with the poop, we will not talk about poop anymore" to my group. they thought this was hilarious. (i tried to say it with a straight face, but i failed miserably.)

i think one of the fun aspects of the zoo is the unpredictability of the animals...and also unpredictability of the children's reactions. one year, i walked into the elephant exhibit with about 12 students and one of the zoo keepers was giving a big guy a bath. well, we watched for a while...and then i happened to notice one massive elephant erection. (oh hell.) i didn't say anything as i watched all of my kids heads cock to one side and stare. then one of them said (pointing), "umm...what IS that?!" then they all chimed in, "is that a LEG?" "it's so BIG!" and then..."i think it's his PENIS," out of the mouth of one of my babes. i stated that, yes, it was the elephant's penis and we would now be moving on to another exhibit that didn't include enormous erections. another year, i witnessed two large tortoises humping each other. (just going to town.) i was saved when another adult stated loudly that they were, "playing piggyback." the kids bought it and we moved on. (sheesh.) this year, when the orangutan was eating his own poop, they lost. their. minds. one of the kids i was with actually fell on the floor and covered his face. stating, "ohhhhhmyyyygoshhhh it is so grosssssss." i just shook my head and laughed. (what could i do?) i made eye contact with that monkey and i swear he was doing it to mess with me. (i'm dead serious.)

anyways, another zoo trip in the books. another crazy day of fun and wonder. as we arrived back to the school, their enthusiasm was somewhat dissipated, but they still wanted to talk about everything that heard, saw, and smelled. (mostly, the poop.) i always laugh at the chaperone's faces when we get back...some of them look shell shocked and they can't get outta there fast enough. many times they say how much fun they had, but they have no idea how i do it everyday. (everyone has their niche in life.) i guarantee those kids went home and told their parents what an awesome day they had...and if i were a betting woman, i would put a high wager on feces as a top discussion topic for most of them. should've made for awesome dinner conversation in most of their homes.

meanwhile, in my own home, it was also part of the dinner discussion, because today at his school...butch blew into the (men's) bathroom (one toilet) to discover one of his larger, FEMALE, african american coworkers droppin' a deuce. i was laughing so bad that i never got the story as to why she was in the men's bathroom, or why she didn't lock the door...cause all i could picture was butch's facial expression as he breezed in the bathroom wearing his boat shoes and a smile, and her face as she was sitting there staring at him, startled from the commode. (i lost it. like bad.) he stated that tomorrow should be really awkward when he runs into this coworker. (this made me laugh even louder.)  the end of another day...and an awesome way to start the month of may. zoo trips and awkward social situations. (two of my favorite things.) i will now be pouring myself a glass of wine. or five. cheers!