beets

i am not one to believe in the supernatural, but i am really under the impression that my husband has been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. he has said so long to the boilo and episodes of baitcar...they have now been replaced with barbells and beet juice. (BEET. JUICE.) like, he used the juicer and made his own beet juice, filled our fridge with it, and they asked me to try some. have you ever had beet juice? well, spare yourself if you haven't...cause it tastes like bark. (or barf?) i mean,  if you ripped a piece of bark off of the trunk of a tree and put it in a juicer that's exactly what it would taste like. he describes it as "earthy" and i describe it as "something i never wish to wash over my taste buds ever again because it tastes like shit." anyway, these changes have been happening and although i am happy for his new found healthy ways...it still gives me a weird feeling inside. i've known this man since sixth grade and not once in that time has he given a rats ass about what he puts in his mouth.

it was really fun our freshman year of college when i thought i could magically eat all the of the crap that he ate and not gain any weight. instead of the freshman 15, i gained the freshman 40. (or more.) he's always had the metabolism comparable to that of a cheetah, where as i have the metabolism of a...speed bump. over the years, i think his has definitely has slowed down. (not so cheetah-like.) however, he can still eat several big macs and not have to go out and buy a new pair of pants. if i made the choice to eat several big macs, i might as well just get some duck tape and put them directly on my ass because that's right where they are going. (really.) about a year or so ago i switched to clean eating and never looked back. well, maybe once i looked back and wondered what it would feel to eat an entire wheel of cheese...but for the most part, i don't eat crap. although my husband has been supportive of this switch, in the past he sometimes has said that i was starving him with my paleo inspired recipes. now he embraces them along with his barbells...and i'm still left shaking my head.

so now that we are on the same page with our eating habits, it's interesting to say the least. (minus the beet juice, i will never be on that page ever.) also, he joined the local gym and "pumps iron" (his words) several days a week. actually, it's not several days, it's everyday. he tries to go everyday. my brothers have been on the lifting bandwagon for a long time now, so he talks to them about pre-workout mixes, post workout concoctions, and protein supplements. this morning, he was shaking up a protein supplement and asked me if i wanted any. i told him that i prefer to eat my protein in the form of eggs and bacon... and then whipped myself up a massive omelet and a coupla slices of salty swine. i think i'll stick to the whole eating thing. as both of us have been pushing for a healthier lifestyle this month, we both also cut way back on the booze. (boo.) although i enjoy a good box of wine during the week, i find that i sleep much better when i don't have it. however, when fen was over on thursday for girls night, i did have a glass or two of god's sweet nectar. warren was also hanging out with us and kept switching up his drink choice. as fen fell asleep on our couch, he said to me..."it's weird...i had one mixed drink, one beer, and one glass of wine..." fen woke up abruptly and said, "SIR MIX A LOT!" and then broke into her rendition of "i like big butts and i cannot lie..." i spat out my wine. she went from dead asleep to white girl rapper in 2 seconds flat. (classic.)

that evening carrie woke up about 9:33pm crying. this never happens anymore, so i was concerned. i went upstairs and she was pointing at her diaper and saying "poo poo." (shit.) so i laid her on the
changing table and to my surprise, there was not "poo poo" in her pants. i said, "there is no poo poo in your pants." she whined, "yessssssss....." so i spread her legs and sure enough it did seem that she...sharted.  i changed her and went downstairs and explained what had happened to fen and butch. i went on to say, "i don't know how that woke her up...it wasn't a load in her pants or anything." warren's arms went flailing and he said, "you don't know how it woke her up!? what the hell...a wet fart would wake me the hell up!" fen said through laughter, "me too!" i said, "it wasn't in her diaper, it was only a little in her ass cheeks!" he yelped, "that's the worst place for it to be!!" (i lost it.) hanging out with fen and my husband is truly like being part of a saturday night live skit. shortly after her white girl rapper routine, fen left and we went to bed. so anyway, cutting back on the sauce is just another shift in our house that is quite different. (we like the sauce.) cutting it out completely? well that's just silly talk.

in conclusion, i will continue to wait for the spaceship to bring my husband back to me. for now i will watch him slug back homemade beet (and carrot) juice and wonder where the hell i am. maybe i'll boobie trap him with a big mac for dinner one night and see what happens for shits and gigs. in the meantime, my pants aren't screaming at me anymore, my skin is clearer, and i'm sleeping better. warren is starting to define his muscles, feel fit, and seems happier than the man i knew who was watching episodes of baitcar...scratching his balls in the lazy boy. if you wanna feel better in general, i highly recommend clean eating and exercise. i also recommend not completely cutting out things like coffee and wine, as they are the fuel that keeps me on the path of motherhood without blowing a gasket. while getting ready to go out to dinner last night my two cherubs decided that the proper accessory that goes along with winter jackets and snow boots...is sunglasses. even though there was no sun in sight, i pick my battles and this is not one i wanted to fight. therefore, we skipped out the door in the middle of winter with them wearing them. (oh well.) when it seems your life is something out of a saturday night live skit, just know that someone can relate...and that someone is me. beet juice drinking husbands who have been abducted by aliens, kids who wake up because they sharted, and a best friend who doubles as a white girl rapper? well that's all just part of the show.

hibernate

so with the buzz of christmas and new years behind us, all i really wanna do is...hibernate. seriously, this cold weather makes me mentally violent and i'd rather find a warm cave to hunker down in than deal with it. i mean, i don't know why i act surprised when this happens every year...because it most definitely does. winter brings out my inner axe murderer and i really don't like it. i do, in fact, enjoy a good snow every once in a while...but if it's going to be this cold and not snow, old man winter can suck a fat one. however, after the chaos of the holidays, i do appreciate the quiet. as much as i love my family, after spending weeks (WEEKS) with them nonstop i was raring to go back to work. plus, i am a creature who thrives on routine, so when our schedule was all willy nilly 'let's plow through several bottles of wine tonight'...i kinda lost my crackers after consecutive nights of this. when we returned from visiting my parents in pennsylvania, my inlaws flew in the next day to visit from colorado. again, i love people...but for christsake there is only so much talking and socializing a person can do. people...people whom i love dearly i might add, were starting to dance dangerously on my last goddamn nerve. i welcome the quiet of winter with open arms at this point, even as my children were running around the house screaming and playing with potholders last night (potholders). carrie also has taken a liking to the laundry basket, which she rides like a horse. (of course.)

 

ah yes...you read that correctly. long forgotten are the play doh dick, the not so easy bake oven, hooker barbie, and allllllll the other gifts my kids got for christmas. now we are back to playing with things that were already part of the scene, such as broken cell phones, laundry baskets, and potholders. each kid had two potholders in their outstretched arms as they "flapped" their way through our house acting as if they were wings. i yelled something like, "237 toys and you two are playing with POTHOLDERS?!" they just snickered and "flew" by me. jeffrey the toys r us giraffe has regurgitated at least half of his loot into our home, but let's flap around wearing potholders as flying apparatus (makes sense). later i heard screams from afar and knew it was carrie. call it older child syndrome or whatever you want, but whenever we hear carrie screaming...we immediately (and sometimes unfairly) blame ella. in these times of distress we don't always want justice, we just want quiet. therefore when carrie is acting as if elmo is hanging by a noose in her bedroom, i usually yell, "ELLLLLAAAAA why is she CRYING!? what did you do to HER!?" sometimes, ella did do something to her to make her cry, but most of the time carrie is crying for some nonsensical reason. last night when screams erupted, i saw ella zipping around the corner with a (broken) cell phone circa 2008 in her hands, and i knew the little one wanted it.

butch beat me to the punch when he said, "give her a TURN!!...or you are going to BED!" she totally wasn't going to bed, it was like 6 o'clock. (empty threat central.) despite the craziness my children continue to bring to the house, there are a coupla other developments that i would like to bring to your attention. first off, i would say about half way through our holiday break, my husband joined the gym. (what the what?) it went like this: we woke up one random sunday morning, he rolled over and said, "i'm going to the gym." at first i thought i was dreaming, as he hasn't been to the gym in a very (very) long time. actually, at that point he didn't even belong to the gym, so i was kinda confused. i said the only long winded statement i could muster at that time in the morning and it was, "what." he said, "i'm going to join the gym right now." i rolled over, wished him well, and waited for our two cherubs to awake from their slumber. although his decision to "join the gym" was rather abrupt, i was not that surprised. i've been feeding him horseshit about exercise and endorphins since 2011...so this was just a natural progression that was 3 years in the making. now when he comes home from working out he says stuff like, "don't you feel so GOOD after a good BURN?!" (yes. i've been saying this for years.) he is also doing weird things like making his own chili recipes for dinner and carrot juice for breakfast. maybe the real warren was abducted by aliens?...i dunno.

the other development is that instead of going to the sitter, ella now goes to PRESCHOOL two days a week. i don't know when the frick i had a kid old enough to go to school, but what the hell. when people tell you that "time flies" i assure you that is no bullshit. in fact, the fall of this year i will start my 10th year of teaching kindergarten and my first born will start her first year of kindergarten (woah). pretty sure i just went to a bush party with my high school friends after stealing a six pack of my dad's beer out of the fridge a minute ago. ella turned to me last night after i asked her if she had any juice left and said, "no! i like to chug it! i CHUG stuff!" butch turned to me and snickered and i realized very quickly that we are going to be in a whole hell of a lotta trouble in a couple of years. i feel like in 34 seconds flat we will go from worrying about our child chugging apple juice to our child chugging beers. anyway, the first coupla days of school went well and ella came home on friday with what every other child that just starts school comes home with...a cold. therefore, friday night was spent snuggling and cuddling with her in my bed like she was a newborn. she gently laid her head on my shoulder and ever so sweetly...coughed directly in my face multiple times. i will say that despite the germs, it was kinda nice to have her in my arms again after a week of firsts, like preschool.

first day of preschool.

 the final thing up for discussion is the fact that i finished my first grad class 2 weeks ago and just began another one this past sunday. the grade for my first class? B. now listen, under normal circumstances, i would be pissed with a B. however, i think this grade is pretty fair considering i wrote half of my papers being grossly interrupted by two children who have a doctorate degree in interrupting. moreover, one paper i wrote sitting cross legged, laptop on my legs, on the bathroom floor while my children were in the tub. (no joke.) motherhood and grad school don't mix, but i'm trying to make it work so i don't lose my mind. (stay tuned.) coupled with all the nonsense mentioned above, i started clean eating and cut out most of the booze in my life (i know, i don't even know myself anymore.) i realized that i was one step away from betty ford after the holidays and needed to make a change. plus, my pants were starting to scream at me. (no worries, i'll probably be back on the wine in no time.) if you need me, you can find me in the kitchen cooking up some type of savory paleo inspired soup, out back in the shed sharpening my axe, or hiding in the nearest cave hibernating. when we took down the last christmas decoration, ella slapped her hands together, looked at me very seriously and said, "sooo...that's done. how long until we go to the beach?!" (a girl after my own heart.) jack frost is such a jerk...bring on the spring!