easier

so i'm at the point in motherhood where things are getting easier...and by easier i mean i don't feel so bat shit crazy anymore. easier meaning i've graduated from middle of the night feedings and diapers. easier meaning my kids aren't as needy. don't get me wrong, there are other motherhood obstacles like what happened to me this morning. things that they don't tell you about in the parenting books, because otherwise you would rather run for the hills than raise a kid. things like pulling into the parking lot of an elementary school and seeing every kid skipping into the front doors wearing a costume and your kid is in the backseat saying, "i didn't think we were supposed to WEAR costumes!" meanwhile, my second born was fully dressed as a bumble bee and here's my first born dressed as...herself. so the story really begins friday, when carrie woke up at 4:32am with a fever. she climbed into bed with me ('can i lay wis you?') and when i wrapped my arms around her she felt like a log that had just been rolled off of a campfire. i whispered, "are you feeling alright?! you are really warm..." she said, "i feels cold and hots at the same times." (crap.) so knowing i had a full day of stuff planned ahead at school (and so did butch), i texted the alternate sitter who also keeps my children when they are sick sometimes. ella had a two hour early dismissal that day from school anyways, so i decided to also send her to the sitter instead (bad decision, as you will see).

so fast forward to monday, and i have a "work from home day" (to work on my grades) and therefore was going to be able to make the parade at carrie's school. fast forward to monday where i didn't get the memo from ella's elementary school on friday saying she was supposed to dress up and would also have a parade. fast forward to monday where i thought i would have most of a "free" day to myself. so upon pulling into the school and seeing dinosaurs, superheroes, princesses, and other costumes galore, i knew my day was going to take a turn. i told ella i would run home and get her costume after i dropped off carrie and come back. i ran into carrie's preschool sans bra like my hair was on fire, dropped her off, ran home, put on a brassiere, grabbed ella's ladybug get up, and flew back up to the school. the parade was at 8:45am and it was 8:32am when i parked. i got out and there were other parents lining the sidewalk. i had the ladybug costume in my hand i felt the judgy looks from other moms. i was "that" mom this morning. "that" mom that forgot to dress her kid in costume. "that" mom with her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, glasses, and pajamas. "that" mom who didn't have her shit together. i ran down the hallway to ella's class after getting hairy eyeballs from a secretary wearing a scarecrow outfit. (screw you, scarecrow!) ella's face lit up when she saw me and said, "i was the only one not wearing one! i'm glad you are here! "that" mom.

so anyway, i went out and stood with some other mom friends and snapped pictures. the other moms i was standing with cast no judgment though, they are mom friends that understand that the struggle is real. after the parade, i went home and finally got my first cup of coffee. i sat down and enjoyed it while watching the food network, which was actually a win in my book. (hot coffee that is not in a travel mug? mom win.) i had exactly one hour until i had to be at carrie's preschool for her parade, so i did what any normal mom would do...folded laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and cleaned up the house. i also had time in there to wash my face, put in my contacts, and change out of my pajamas as well. (another win!) when i walked into my second borns school at 11am, i already felt like i had put in a whole day. after lunch, i decided to take her home with me and ella also had a 2 hour early dismissal again, so i picked her up early. to be clear, my mostly free day off with nothing to do turned into one hour of "free" time spent doing chores. despite this, do i feel incredibly lucky to be able to have seen the smiles on both of my kids faces when they saw me at their respective parades? yes. will i forever remember the fact that i was "that" mom this morning as my kid walked into school sans costume? yes. do i still understand the struggle of motherhood even though i'm not so bat shit crazy as when they were newborns? yes.

just know that when you see those cute smiley halloween faces on social media...there is always something more going on behind the scenes. for example, a braless mother that didn't get the memo that her kid was supposed to be in costume that day and then had to run around like a chicken with her head cut off to make it happen. i think a lot of us look like we have our shit together...but really most of us have one foot in crazytown, trying to make it all work. most of us are doing the best we can with that we have and hoping we aren't turning our kids into future serial killers. most of us would take a bullet for our kids, but know they still make us bat shit crazy from time to time. so as we step foot outside tonight for trick or treat there are two things i know for sure: 1. there might be something stronger than coffee in my travel mug as i walk through the neighborhood and 2. all the snickers are mine. i survived six years of motherhood so far and as each phase passes, i slowly forget the struggles from the prior ones. the sleepless nights are substituted with sick campfire logs that climb into bed. the bottle feedings are replaced with leaving school like my hair is on fire to grab a costume so my kid doesn't feel left out. all i know that it's all happening so fast and i'm holding on to dear life to each passing moment...regardless of how bat shit crazy it makes me. my children complete me and make me feel whole...along with the help of wine and chocolate. happy halloween to you and yours!