summer

so it feels like it's been forever since i've written about anything and truth be told, my brain really does get a bit mushy in the summer. mushy as in...making complete sentences and basic skills (like writing) fall by the wayside. this being said, that doesn't mean that a shit ton of funny stuff hasn't happened all around me. it just means i didn't have the mental capacity to sit down before now and write about it. there have been a few highlights from the past few weeks that i would like to share...and they are as follows:

first of all, guess who grew these fine specimens in her own home garden? (not this girl.) you'd never guess that it was...fen! (farmer fen?) i went over for girls night a coupla weeks ago and these beauties were displayed on her kitchen counter. well, they weren't displayed in this fashion, but really i'm a 15 year old...so i put them in a cock and ball arrangement and snapped a picture. (of course.) look at the size of that zucchini, people! i said, "um, are you going for the guinness book of world records or what?!" she laughed and said no while sipping her wine. holy green thumb, fen! (well done.) meanwhile at our ranch, warren has been trying to grow tomatoes all summer. he always plants a crazy amount of plants and seeds, but they only produce like...one. (one tomato all summer. i'm not kidding.) it makes him irate every year, but he does it the same way each time. (like for the past 5 years.) when friends of ours give us vegetables out of their garden (like fen did), he gets like garden envy and super jealous of their green thumb skills. mostly i think he is pissed they are saving more money than he is, because vegetables are so expensive at the grocery store. he is still waiting for some of our plants to produce and i don't have the heart to tell him that i'm pretty sure the one tomato that became ripe (and we ate) three weeks ago is all he's gonna get. (give it up.)

moreover, my husband has to be the only man in the world that will use a coupon to get 50 cents off of a loaf of bread...and then blow 300 dollars at the casino and act like it's no big deal. (that happened.) i mean, what is the thought process there? the kid will clip coupons...and then turn around and act like he's donald trump while at the tropicana? (ok then.) i didn't get hyper about it because we do have a little more money to play with in the summer. we don't have to pay for things like daycare and excessive gas. however, i did give him some hell...because like every other middle class family, we have enough to pay our bills and that's about it. (hence, the coupons.) anyway, when the boys (aka my brothers and husband) made a "plan" to go to atlantic city for their birthdays, i was a bit concerned. i've said before that sending my youngest brother daisy and warren out into the world together is like sending helen keller and ray charles on a date...in a corn maze. (no bueno.) adding my other brother into the mix is just another monkey wrench into the equation. butch had stars in his eyes about the trip for weeks and then when my brothers mentioned they reserved the penthouse at the casino i think he about lost his mind. (blew a goddamn gasket.)

this is the first photo i got from the three of them shortly after they checked in. i will say that i really did want my husband to have a good time, i just didn't want him to get arrested...or die. the three of them will not divulge alllll details about the evening, but i do know that the following happened: butch was hit on by a prostitute but didn't know it until she said, "how much are you willing to pay for a good time?" he said, "what do you mean?" it took him a minute to "get it." (i wonder if prostitutes take coupons or give discounts?) secondly, daisy tried to buy a prostitute a drink, but didn't know she was a prostitute. (he was "shocked" when he found out.) there was also something about a group of african american midgets they were dancing with, but they didn't go into great detail. (i don't know.) remember how i said they reserved the penthouse? it was complete with a bar and fireplace, also had beds galore. the only one who stayed there was butch and it was for about three hours. both brothers went missing midevening. they showed up the next morning and it came to light that daisy slept in the elevator most of the night, then got kicked out of the casino for doing so. my other brother may or may not have disappeared with a MILF. my question is...who reserves the penthouse and hardly uses it? (them.) money well spent, fellas. (well spent, indeed.)

so after my husband's pretend taping of hangover IV, i got to have my own little rendezvous with freedom as well. the next morning i gave them some time and texted to make sure all were alive. (they were.) butch sounded like he had been drugged and beat with a billy club when i talked to him on the phone, but assured me that he would be home in a couple hours so that i could leave and meet my family for dinner. in the meantime, i played with the girls and ran errands. about midmorning, though, i noticed that my two year old was feeling a little warm. (ruh roh.) she had a full blown high fever by the time he got back and i knew this was going to be a bit of a problem for him. (he doesn't deal well with sick kids.) she was acting all hannibal lecter and i asked him if i should even go...he assured me he would be fine. i gave strict instructions about medicine dosage, packed up a duffle bag, and went on my way.  (sayonara suckkaaaaaaa!) i rolled down the windows, turned the music way up, and looked over both shoulders to make sure there weren't any toddlers chasing me down the street. i would take a bullet for either kid, but breaks are necessary. (otherwise, you end up burnt out.) anyways, as i headed out i shot a text to my family members and it read as follows, "on my way, bitttchhhesss!" (so eloquent.) making my father proud, one text message at a time.

this picture was taken before the festivities actually began. i'm not sure what i was going for here, but i look like a goddamn mental patient. we rode like that down the elevator and into the lobby. my mother informed me that if my dad was waiting there he would, "not be happy with our antics." (what else is new?) he was outside having a smoke so i didn't have to avoid his dirty looks. at one point we had to all cram into my husband's matchbox size car to go back to the hotel after dinner, we were standing on the streets of philly wondering how we were going to get 5 grown ass adults and a large cooler (it was byob) into the car so we could get out of there. my brothers and dad went to work pulling out the carseats and then started trying to jam everything in the trunk. there were expletives flying out of my fathers mouth as he slammed an umbrella stroller in and out of the back of the car, trying to get it to fit. i also heard him saying something about us getting a "goddamn minivan" because this was just ridiculous. i heard the f bomb fly a coupla times, too. my mom and i stood on the sidewalk and just watched the whole thing unfold. (it was hilarious.) daisy also video taped part of this, but somehow when all was done, we fit in the car. my mom, dad, and i were in the backseat with the stroller across all of our legs. daisy was in the front seat with a full sized cooler on his lap. (he was moaning.) my other brother drove. when we arrived at the hotel i started singing circus music as we all fell out into the hotel parking lot. (it wasn't pretty.) we took a cab after that.

surprisingly, the evening was pretty low key. i mean, i woke up sans car keys and credit card...but that's pretty standard for me. my dad was not happy when this all came to light, but instead of saying anything just shook his head and fell silent for a while. (this is typical.) i found my keys behind the front desk in the lobby (no idea how they got there) and after checking my online statement, tracked down my credit card at the last place we were at. (yahtzee!) i don't get to see my family much during the school year, so it was nice hanging out with them. when i got back onto the highway to head back home i got a call from butch. he stated that carrie was acting crazy. turns out both of them somehow contracted coxsackie's disease, which is more commonly known as hand, foot, and mouth virus. ella didn't start showing signs of it until last tuesday, though...right in the middle of a swim lesson. i saw her shivering like hell on the side of the pool and she started crying uncontrollably. i had to do the walk of shame out of the aquatic center and i swear i felt like i was on an episode of teen mom. people were staring at me like i was a bad mother and i bet most thought that she was just scared of the water and not sick. she had to miss lessons all last week, but we headed back to the pool today, now that she is no longer acting like hannibal lecter. (last week was a heluva week.) i'm soaking each warm day in for what it's worth...whether it's riding a luggage cart or sitting in a library with my kids for story hour, i've enjoyed every minute (except maybe the coxsackie's disease). may your beer be cold and the sun be hot, because old man winter is just waiting in the wings to wack us with a snowball...highlight reel the shit out of summer, people. salud!

poop

my day started at approximately 6:32am, when i heard screams coming from the bathroom. i knew they weren't screams of pain and was very well aware they were screams of sibling warfare. (there is a difference.) my husband had been up earlier getting ready for work and both kids had heard him and so graciously got out of bed to greet him at around 5:57am. when he went downstairs, i was still in bed and that's when i was loudly called to duty. i sat up and saw my four year old (naked from the waist down) pulling my two year old away from the toilet...by her head. i said, "what is going on!?" over carrie's screams, ella yelled (while still holding her sister's head), "she wants to flush my poop down the toilet but i don't want her to...cause it's MY poop!" (i'm gonna lose my shit.) i said, "WHAT?!...and let go of your sister's head!" she let go and carrie made a bee line for the toilet and attempted to flush it just as ella grabbed her hand and pulled her away. (more screams.) i got up and walked to the bathroom. ella went on, "i just took a POOP! look at it!" (no thanks.) i said, "so let me get this straight, you took a poop and you guys are fighting over who gets to FLUSH IT!?" ella said yes...and carrie nodded. (they were very serious.) if i wouldn't have started laughing in that moment, i assure you i'd be running down the street to the nearest insane asylum. i made the executive decision that ella should get to flush it, cause she deposited in the toilet. carrie would just have to wait until she drops her own deuce in the commode to get that privilege. (however, if ella ever wants to give carrie a courtesy flush...she can.) it's before 7am and i'm playing judge judy about flushing privileges. (why did i procreate again?)

anyway, this was a real struggle in my house this morning...so you can imagine what the rest of the summer has been like. (mayhem.) my children are pretty well behaved for the most part, but they still are an incredible pain in the ass. (as most children are.) so when i had the chance on monday to head up to my hometown to see my youngest brother (daisy) for his birthday, i jumped at the chance. 24 hours to not make anyone meals, wipe anyone's ass, or break up any fights about flushing? yes, please. so anyway, my uncle decided at the last minute to carpool with me and that probably wasn't a good choice. we are cut from the same mold and like to act up equally...so there is no person to hit the brakes between us and tell us to back it down. as you can imagine, the drive up and the drive back was something out of an SNL skit and quite honestly should have been videotaped. we made many unnecessary stops and i can't divulge all the details, but at one point we were belting out in the air tonight better than phil collins ever could. (air drum solo included.) when we arrived on the scene, the first thing we did was hit the local sub shop, that i've talked about in previous posts. aside from me thinking they put crack in the bread, it's the best thing you will ever eat. i haven't found anything like it in maryland and should the italian stallion that owns the place decide to come here and set up shop...he'd be a millionaire. i also would have to take up stock in jenny craig because i'd weigh well over 467 pounds (approximately) from his delicacies. after filling our bellies with cheesesteaks and italian subs, we took the windy country road out to my parents house.

when we arrived, no one was home so we both cracked a beer and hung out (and laughed) some more. shortly after, my 21 year old brother (the birthday boy) strolled in and after that in came my dad. in the mean time, it started pouring buckets and it was quite some time before my dad actually got out of the car and into the house. (grand entrance.) however, when he did arrive...he was carrying a large plumbing snake in his hands and said that he had "a bit of a problem." i've heard this line, "a bit of a problem" out of him over the years and it almost always usually ends up to be much more than a "bit." he mentioned something about water in the basement and went off to "fix" the problem. i walked to the top of the basement steps and could see the water rising. i looked over to see my father snaking the hell out of a drain. i yelled, "dad! what the hell! this looks pretty bad!" he said (standing in about 3 inches of water), "nah, it'll be ok...just gotta get this clog out." (yeah ok...) after about 20 minutes with the snake, he realized it wasn't working. my brother, my uncle, and i were just sitting on the driveway, drinking beers, and enjoying the show. (i expected nothing less when i arrived home.) then he recruited my uncle to stand watch over the septic tank to see if it was bubbling. ("here, just stare at this shit in the hole and tell me if it bubbles." -my dad) my uncle stood watch and i stood by...hoping that the shit would fly up in some body's face. (it didn't. rats.) there were, in fact, bubbles...so my dad knew the water in the basement was actually backup from the septic tank. so to be clear...he was sloshing, snaking, and standing in shit laced water for about a half an hour before he realized it. (par for the course.) he didn't seem fazed by this realization...but the rest of us thought it was pretty funny.

my mom bounced through the door wearing her rose colored glasses and was super excited to have everyone home (like the shit in the septic tank, she's real bubbly). she had called me on the way up and asked me if she should get banners, balloons, and a cake for daisy's birthday bash. (it was at a local restaurant. not chuck e cheese.)  i assured her that he was turning 21...not 10. so all that fanfare would not be necessary. (she was bummed.) as we got out of the car to go to dinner, my brother looked over at me and said, "why the hell are you dressed like kim kardashian. you know we we are in the county, right?" (wise ass.) i explained that i haven't got out of my gym shorts and tank top a lot this summer and wanted to look half way decent. he replied, "ok, kim." (guess the leopard print was too much? whatever.) as he ordered his first beer, i tried to remember the very first time i ordered a drink at a bar. (turns out i can't remember shit.) i do remember though, for the first year or so feeling so out of place inside a saloon...like i wasn't supposed to be there. after 11 years of this, i don't feel weird anymore. (however, i still get carded.) i also remember way back when saying, "the summer that my youngest brother turns 21, and my other brother turns 30...i will be 32." i also remember cringing then and thinking that 32 was SO OLD. (guess what? i don't think that anymore.) the night went off pretty normally, daisy ripped some shots, my family shot pool and got wound up...i fell asleep at the bar for 2 hours while everyone partied around me. it was like weekend at bernie's with a short, married, mother of two. (totally normal evening.)

when i woke up (using that loosely) the next morning i was on the couch and i looked over to see daisy sprawled out in the foyer in front of the main door...he was fully clothed. (well done, daisy.) everyone else at the house had to go to work, except for my uncle and i. we decided to take a hungover tour of our home county. one of the stops included a trip to the salvation army. let it be said that i shouldn't have been let loose in that place with my uncle and a hangover. i ended up buying the most ridiculously big, yellow prom dress. (for no apparent reason.) i put it on over my clothes in the place and he clapped and said, "oh! it's so pretty! you should by it!" (i did.) i have no clue where the hell i am going to ever wear it, but knew that my two dress up queens at home would love it. (they did.) i often say to butch...what if adults acted like toddlers? like what if we changed our wardrobe 23 times a day and one thing was more ridiculous than the next. when i got home ella was wearing pajamas, princess heels, an innertube  hat, and had a wand in her hand. carrie was wearing squeaky slippers, a fedora, and also was waving a wand. this was probably their 8th (at least) costume change for the day i'm sure and they love every minute of it. they then both took turns taking shits so i could catch up on any ass wiping i missed the previous two days. (almost instantly after i got home.) there are lots of things about parenthood i wasn't warned about....but i think that my most recent revelation has to be the most profound, it is as follows: you may find yourself breaking up fights in the bathroom...over who gets to flush a pile of feces. (that, my friends, is one for the record books.) moreover, when you doubt your decision to procreate, go away for a night and bring home a used prom gown and let the poop queens play dress up. trust me...in the end, everyone will be better for it.

highlight

i would have to say that one of the highlights of my summer happened exactly a week ago. we were laying in bed at approximately 6:32am and i heard the trash truck clanging down our street. ella had already sauntered into our room and was staring at me from my side of the bed. she does this almost every morning and startles the hell out of me. (the stand and stare.) i am familiar with this, as i remember doing this to my parents as a kid. one time i walked in and whispered, "dad, daaaddd, DAADDDDD!!!" on the side of the bed and he flew up and almost karate chopped me in the head when i was a wee whippersnapper. even if i am a deep sleep in the morning, i can feel her stare through my eyelids and into my eyeballs. the louder i gasp when i open my eyes, the louder she laughs. (not funny, kid.) anyway, exactly a week ago on monday she was standing there and my husband was still dead asleep. however, somehow he also heard the garbage truck noises from the street and he shot up out of bed like a cartoon character. he yelped, "i forgot to put the trash out! we have so much! it needs to go out!" he looked out the blinds and said, "they are still down the street...i can make it!" (oh my god.) ella began to giggle as he threw on mesh shorts and ran down the steps. i just shook my head...knowing he would never make it. as i heard the door slam, i looked out the blinds to see him running like an asshole with trashcan rolling behind him. shit was flying everywhere. (i was losing it.) i then saw the truck blow by. he threw his arms over his head when he realized he didn't make it. (this made me laugh harder.)

when he came back into the bedroom all out of breath, he said (defeated), "i didn't make it." i told him i watched the whole show from the bedroom so i knew that. i also stated, "so let me get this straight, you can hear the trash truck in the morning and it will wake you up out of a deep sleep...but you don't hear crying children in the middle of the night?!" (very interesting.) he then did his own stand and stare and looked like he wasn't amused by my revelation. i also told him this was the fastest i've seen him move in weeks. he found this to be quite humorous. (as did i.) alas, this was the first time he went running that day...but it wasn't his last. (stay tuned.) turns out about a week ago, sir lazy boy stepped on the scale and was startled by his own revelations. he casually told me that he had, "turned a corner" in respects to his weight. i said, "what does that mean...?" he looked at me and said, "i'm over 200 pounds." (woah.) i said, "well what did you expect!? you don't have the metabolism of an 18 year old anymore...you eat what ever you want and have limited activity. that is a recipe for fatness." (he laughed.) later that morning, i took ella to the doctor for a check up and then she went to lunch with me to meet a coworker. i asked butch if he wanted me to take carrie with me, too. he said, "no..i think i'm just going to walk up to redbox with her in the wagon." (ok then.) so when i got home from my lunch with ella, he said, "i have a surprise for you..." and whipped out a new pair of running shoes for me. (hot pink.) i said, "thanks. where the hell did you go!? you didn't get those at redbox..." he said, "oh, i went to the outlets." i yelped, "the ones over the bay bridge!?" he said, "yeah...they have good deals there!!" (dear lord.)

shortly after this, out of the corner of my eye...my retinas were assaulted by a bright yellow entity. i turned to see him holding a pair of the brightest running shoes i've ever seen in my life. he stated (drumroll please), "and these...are for me." (holy hell.) i must've contorted my face in a way that he didn't like, cause he acted all disappointed and said, "you don't like them!?" i told him that they were a little...bright. i went on..."are you going to wear those casually or are you actually going to exercise in them?" he said, "exercise." (yeah right.) i smiled and said, "that's great!" so after i put the kids down for an afternoon nap, i put on my new shoes and got ready to head out. (this is normal routine.) he looked at me from the lazy boy and said, "when you get back...i'm gonna go." (running?! this is awesome.) i shook my head yes and smirked. when i arrived back home, he was laced up and ready to go. he took my ipod from me and took some deep breaths before embarking on his newest adventure. i got showered and went out on the back deck to read and and get some sun, cause the kids were still sleeping. (naptime = awesometime) after a few chapters though, i began to get concerned. i mean, the man hasn't done much physical activity in a very long time and now he's just going to go running? i didn't know where exactly he was going to go...so i wouldn't be able to find him should he fall down. i had visions of him in the fetal position on the side of the road, babbling something about his beach body in his bright yellow shoes. (not pretty.) just when i really started to panic though, he blew through the back sliding door. he was covered in sweat, completely out of breath, and was very red in the face and extremities. he smelled like a goat.

i said, "so how did that go!?" (i was holding back laughter, as i was trying to be an encouraging wife.)  he could barely talk, but stated that it "went pretty well." (looks like it.) he said he was quite winded most of the run, had to walk a few times, gave me his entire route, and then told me that after a few quick strides down the street he almost turned around and ran back home because he thought he might die. (oh good.) he also told me lots of people were staring at him. (excellent!) it was at this point that i burst out laughing and could not get my shit together. just hearing him describe the whole charade was too much for me to handle. then picturing those bright yellow shoes pounding off the asphalt was the cherry topper. (too much.) he stared at me as i was doubled over and said, "i'll do it again tomorrow...i guess." (i hope you do.) he did, in fact, go the next day which was last tuesday...but hasn't strapped those outlet sneakers on since. my guess is that he weighed himself last wednesday and after finding out he was under 200lbs again, was satisfied. (i would bet a paycheck this is what happened.) anyway, as we sat down to dinner last night i mentioned that fact that i was feeling like crap and i wanted to go full blown paleo this week. he turned to me from his double cheeseburger and stated (between chews), "yeah...let's do that." so i headed to the grocery store today to find some fruits, vegetables, and meats to tantalize his tastebuds. pretty sure he's going to want to kill someone or be back on the carbohydrate wagon by wednesday, but we will see how it goes. we also head to the beach this weekend, so maybe his "beach body" will make a debut appearance. (oh boy.) my only hope is that those highlighter colored shoes remain for his (limited) recreational purposes only, because for the love of all things holy...they are hideous.