jalapenis

so this past weekend, my husband had a mishap with jalapenos...and his penis. (yes.) before i get into the good stuff, let me explain something...i would say the past coupla months, warren has really stepped up to the plate in regard to doing stuff in and around the house. i don't have to ask him to shit, he just does it. i find this be quite a help, especially cause (as you know) i am in the midst of earning my masters. i think he knows that i am on the brink of losing my mind and doesn't want me to end up in an insane asylum. (sure beats him scratching his sack on the sofa!) so this past sunday, after i had spent four hours writing a paper, i was getting ready for a run when the kids went down for a nap. we had a picnic to attend later that day and he knew i had to make an appetizer to take along. that morning when i had done the grocery shopping, i got the fixins for stuffed jalapeno poppers that are super easy and super good. if you don't like spicy stuff, then don't try it (recipe later). however, i paired it with hummus and pita chips on the same plate...for the faint hearted. (pansies) so anyway, before i left for the run he said, "is there anything i can help you with for the picnic?" i thought about it for a hot second (pun intended) and then said, "yeah, you could halve those jalapenos and scrape out the seeds and ribs." he said okay. before i walked out the door i said, "make sure you wash your hands immediately after you do it so that you don't touch your eyes or some shit!" he said okay.

so flash forward an hour, i come home re-energized from my run and ready to stuff some jalapenos for the picnic. the whole house smelled like the peppers and i realized they were a particularly spicy batch. (yikes.) beforehand, i ran up to get a shower and he was laying on the bed and said (quite salty), "so i forgot to wash my hands right away and i ate some jelly beans after i cut the peppers...MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE!" (the visual made me lose it.) he went on...that wasn't the worst part, because then i went pee. (oh boy, not the man parts.) "after i was done, i pulled up my pants and thought, woahhhh! that BURRRNSSS!...and realized it was from the peppers." his facial expression was hilarious and i was doubled over. here i am out for a nice jog around the neighborhood and my husband is dealing with...a JALAPENO PECKER?! (priceless.) after i composed myself, he went on to say he then washed his hands with milk. (he searched all knowing google for a remedy...milk was it.) i was afraid to ask if he gave his dick a dairy bath as well, because i had already heard far too much of the story. (quite honestly, i had laughed enough at this point.) the kids were napping and after i showered i laid down for a minute next to him. i instructed him to NOT touch me anywhere...or expect any afternoon delight scenarios. after our last scare with poison ivy in my lady garden, i'm not taking any chances. i'd imagine that jalapeno permeating my lady parts would give me one hell of a problem. (just a hunch.)

luckily his jalapeno penis pain subsided and we all went to the picnic unscathed. days later i said to my husband, "so what did it really feel like?!" he said (and i quote), "like my dick was dipped in a jar of gasoline...and it was then set ablaze." (i couldn't breathe) plus, he puts a whole new meaning to liar, liar pants on fire! (penis on fire?) so if you want to make these appetizers, all you need is 16 jalapenos, 2 containers of croissants, and 1 container of garden vegetable cream cheese. you halve the peppers and croissants, fill them with cream cheese, wrap the pepper in the croissant and pop them in the oven. (please for the love of god WEAR GLOVES.) we are back to normalcy for the most part in our house, i mean, as normal as we get. now that carrie is talking more, she and her sister are having some awesome conversations. i was in the kitchen yesterday and heard ella say, "you have to eat FOOD cause it helps us to run and and run and run and play!" carrie replied, "and POOP!" ella lost her gut laughing. (i was chuckling around the corner.) why are kids always so obsessed with poop? (maybe it's just my kids.) anyways, hopefully we don't have any picnics to attend this weekend. i know one thing for sure, i'm not bringing an appetizer this time if we do. having a husband who is helpful around the house is amazing, especially when a simple task turns into a dick debacle that makes you laugh. jalapeno peckers and poop are headliners for this week...par for the course in our house. party on!

rut

you know what i love? cooking. you know what i hate? cooking on a crazy weeknight. during the winter, i would always spend my sunday barefoot in the kitchen, boiling up some type of savory soup. now that mother nature busted out her blow torch, i haven't really had a hankering for hot liquid as sustenance. my husband has recently joined my healthy eating campaign. (sorta, as you will see) however, when i used to cook up soup on a sunday for dinner, he would say i was starving him. he'd eat it reluctantly and then tell me later that he was still hungry. in regard to weeknight dinners, now that the weather is warmer, i have found that we have fallen into the same rut that we always do. dinner is a grilled meat and a veggie on the side. (like, every night.) this past sunday i was so sick of it that i got onto the google to check out some new recipes. i'm always a little apprehensive to try new things, mainly because warren is very much a simple meat and potato kinda guy. i don't even include my kids into the equation, because they have like 4 food groups and they are as follows: chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, yogurt, fruit snacks. they somehow survive on very little and don't go all judgy on me you "i feed my kids organic foods" moms, because i'm not all judgy on you. (well, only a lil judgy anyway.) my kids try new things every once in a while, but for the most part they live on the same stuff over and over. alas, they are not starving.

anyway, back to my love/hate relationship with cooking...i find that now that i'm a mom, cooking isn't as "relaxing" or "therapeutic" as it once was for me. it seems anytime i am in the kitchen (especially on weeknights), there is some sort of magnetism to me. suddenly, both kids need snacks and drinks...and act as if they don't get it immediately they will meet some sort of untimely death. (like they have a tape worm) i could be making their actual dinner and whining overtakes my eardrums about how "hungry" they are. ("can't you see i'm making you food!"-me) it never fails, if i'm whipping something up...they are in there using my legs as a jungle gym and acting like i am their personal chef (all aboard the toddler pain train, people.) so last week i went through the same routine of making something on the grill, veggie on the side with one kid hanging off my femur like a playground fireman pole and the other trying to reinsert herself in my vagina...and i had HAD it! (had it.) i decided that this week i was going to have dinner all prepared via casserole or crockpot, because i just couldn't take the nonsense anymore. so sunday, instead of soup...i made 3 ready to go dinners for the week. the little one was napping and ella was coming in and out of the kitchen playing a harmonica (HAR-MON-I-CA) that her father bought her (why, butch, WHY?) i turned up the country music and got crackin.

                                                     sweet potato chicken casserole
for monday i made a sweet potato and chicken casserole. i've mentioned before that pretty much follow a paleo way of life, and this casserole follows that theme. it was super easy to make and i threw it into the oven when i got home, served it with a side salad and voila...dinner was done. no frustration, no anger about making snacks. i felt like wonder woman that night, martha stewert style. i will state that i was worried it was going to be too spicy for warren and he stated, "listen, if i'm hungry enough and you put dog shit in front of me...i will eat it." (i knew i married him for a reason.) i give it about a 6 outta 10 stars on the food scale...however, the leftovers were even better the next day for lunch.

                                                           crockpot chicken mole
tuesday's delicacy included a crockpot chicken mole recipe. when i told butch about it he yelled, "HOLY MOLE!" (what a fool) i mentioned that there was dark chocolate in it and he stated, "chocolate on chicken!? that's like putting icing on steak!" (icing on steak.) i served it over cauliflower rice (if you don't know what that is, look it up on the google...it's good!) i served it alongside cut green onions, avocado, and cilantro. during dinner, my husband asked me if there were any carbs in the casserole. i said not really. he then went to the cabinet, rooted around...and found a sleeve of ritz crackers. he threw some on top and crushed them in. mole chicken ala butch. i enjoyed my sans ritz and give it 7 outta 10 stars. sidebar: while getting the fixins together, both kids came down from upstairs...in bathing suits. they told me they were going to the beach (please take me with you, children.)

normal weeknight attire

wednesday is one of the only days i get to workout after work. therefore, i found a sausage and cauliflower casserole that i could have warren toss in the oven for a half hour. i told him what to do in the morning and he looked at me like i had 34 eyeballs. i muttered, "i'll write it down." i kept it simple (1. remove lid 2. turn on oven to 400 degrees 3. put in oven) despite my efforts, when he heard i was coming home to change clothes and run outside instead of going to the gym, he asked if i could just put it in the oven. (men.) also, the dog must've had a hankering for honey nut cheerios, cause she went in the pantry, took out the box, and destroyed it that day. (all over the living room) we had to run out the door to a soccer game that night, so thank god dinner was quick and painless. it was actually really good and butch went back for seconds. he said (and i quote), "it's a keeper." 8 outta 10 stars on the scale.

thursday's meals are always a mess, mainly because i leave butch up to the task of getting it ready. he usually stops at chic fila for he and the kids, and i end up having popcorn and wine at ladies night for dinner. however, when i had a bunch of chicken mole left over i thought, "i can make yummy enchiladas out of this." i picked up some enchilada sauce, whole wheat tortillas, and some 2% shredded cheese. last night i rolled them up and (again) left warren instructions of what to do. (1. pour enchilada sauce over enchiladas 2. top with cheese 3. put in the oven at 325 degrees until hot and bubbly) he looked at it and said, "that's A LOT of work!" (pretty sure just to get me hyper.) i shook my head. this morning i mentioned that he could also cut up some cilantro and avocado to go on top. he screamed, "so much PREP WORK!" (i told him to go to hell.) anyway, when i got home from the gym they were ready and they were delicious. this one was my favorite by far, and it happened by accident. go figure. 10 outta 10 in my book.

as warren stated this week while whipping up egg salad for his lunch, "eating healthy is WORK." (indeed, it is.) not only is work, it's kinda expensive sometimes. he went on to say, "remember when i used to eat those meals that cost a dollar with a coupon and that took a minute in the microwave!?...it was like 60 seconds to fattness." (i died.) the truth is, if you really want to commit to healthier eating habits, you have to want to do it for yourself. furthermore, falling into a rut in regards to dinner can't be a problem that only i face. the meals this week took like an hour tops to prepare on sunday, and made my life so much easier prior to dinner time. i didn't have anyone using my femur like a playground fire man pole, nor children pretending they were famished. also, i didn't feel like a psycho yelling for my offspring to "get out of the kitchen" for the 234 time while i prepared it. simplifying something like dinner can make life so much easier when you are aboard a crazy train. hold on tight and hope it doesn't derail..and keep an extra pack of crackers around if your husband needs a dose of carbohydrates. (just in case.) next week i plan on trying 4 new recipes as well, as to not return to the rut. let's hope they all get as many stars as the ones this week. if not, warren may have to go back to his one dollar minute meals and i'll have to survive on popcorn and wine. either way, my children will probably still be prancing around in bathing suits and acting like they have a tape worm at all hours of the day. winner, winner...that's what's for dinner.

mother

my four year old's teacher asked her why she loves me and these were her responses. i'm pretty sure that the fact that she loves me because i cook her chicken nuggets puts me into the running for mother of the year. (don't you think?) i do similar activities with my students and i am always blown away by the simplicity and purity of their responses. wanna know the number one response in my class to the prompt, "my mom rocks because...?" it was (drum roll please..) my mom rocks because...she knows how to tie shoes. (yes!) so if you have a bun in the oven, you better brush up on your shoe tying skills. the kids in my class deemed this a very important quality for a mother to have. (who knew?) at this stage in the game of motherhood, i've earned a doctorate in dirty diapers and i am currently working on my masters in toddler negotiation. i have an actual college degree, but had a legitimate argument with an unnamed two year old the other night about why she had to brush more than one tooth. that's right folks, she was trying to convince me that she only had to brush ONE. (one tooth!) the next night she tried for TWO teeth. after biting my lip and realizing this was a real conversation i was having, i said, "if you don't brush all of them, they will all fall out." (lies.)  she looked right at me and said, "oh no! otay!" (toddler negotiations 101.)

parenting schools you in the things you never signed up for, by making you participate in the weirdest pseudo classes possible. for example, i was folding laundry on the bed one night last week, while the kids played in the tub. i heard ella yell, "noooo, carrie! those are my bubbles!" carrie yelled back, "mine!" shortly after this ella yelled, "moooommmeeee, carrie is stealing MY bubbles!" (to be clear, they were talking about actual bubbles and not the container of bubbles.) i was standing there thinking, holy balls...are they serious right now? they are fighting over BUBBLES in the tub!? i'm sorry, but no one ever told me i would have to break up a fight over bubbles...that was never included in the manual. i sighed and went in there, looked at them all soaped up and said, "are you SERIOUS!?" they both shook their head yes. (i lose.) i can't even recall how i dissipated the argument, but i'm sure they could tell from my tone that i was in no mood to be a referee in regard to bubbles. several times a day i think, "am i screwing my kids up in some way? like, am i doing this wrong at times?" i know my kids love me, but will they end up turning into serial killers? (i just don't know.)

this past week i was balls deep in graduate work and asked butch if he could take both kids to ella's soccer game last wednesday, so that i could get some work done. the thought totally crossed my mind that if i missed her game, it would trigger serial killer tendencies...but i had so much to get done, and so little time. (story of my life.) so anyway, when they left i got crackalackin on writing a paper and research...when i really just wanted to take a nap. i don't know what drug i was on when i signed up for the "accelerated" grad program, but i'm an idiot. what made me think i could do 6 credits with a full time job and a family? basically, i've been losing my mind. (but whatever, that was really lost about 5 years ago when i gave birth.) anyway, long story long...i got a text from butch about 15 minutes later that said, "oh my god! carrie is crapping her pants!" (i knew he didn't take a diaper.) i didn't respond, but when he came back an hour later...he looked like he just served in the gulf war. his hair was all over his head, his face chalk white, his pupils wide and i said, "what the hell happened!?" he said, "well that was a was NOT FUN! carrie crapped herself, she stinks so bad and then in the middle of the game ella ran off the field holding her crotch and i had to run (runnnn!) to the porta potty and all three of us had to fit in there so that she could go, carrie was touching everything and it was disgusting....! i'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be an early night for this GUY!" i couldn't stop laughing. mom's are born to deal with this nonsense, where it sometimes severely overwhelms men. the whole charade played out in my mind and i lost it. (sorry man!) moms rule, dads drool.

one of the kiddos in my class finished these prompts about her own mother, so i guess when you are five...things really are rainbows and unicorns. i killed the mother's day activity game this year in my class, we did about 234 projects having to do with moms. i loved listening to the kids talk about their moms when they were working. this being said, i have a message for all moms out there: no matter how much you think you are doing things wrong, you are probably doing it right. for me, doing it right means doing what is right for me and my kids. it's easy to judge other moms and question what they are doing for their children, but the kid game is no joke and if you find yourself worrying about what other people think...everyone loses. some people probably think i am somewhat selfish for running and drinking wine. i know this, and guess what? i don't care. if i didn't partake in running and wine, i would be a worse off mother. (trust me on this one.) sometimes, they keep me sane. so i guess what i am saying is...do what works for you and don't have regrets in regard to your kids and you. remember that your kids are most likely seeing rainbows and unicorns, even if you are mentally weathering a storm in the midst of motherhood. basically if you know how to make chicken nuggets, tie shoes, and convince a child to brush more than one tooth...you will make a kick ass mother. rock on moms of the world...today i raise my glass to you. while i'm at it, i'll also raise it to myself...because somehow, i'm surviving the hardest job i've ever had to do.

mother's day 2015

bucketlist

 

it has come to my attention that my 4 year old now has a new past time and it is as follows: she apparently has been taking panty liners out of the basket in the bathroom, unwrapping them...and then sticking them to the bottom of her shoes (awesome, right?). i wasn't made aware of this until yesterday morning when i got a text from fen with the above picture. (fen takes ella to school on fridays) she also had some choice words to share, as did i. i immediately knew that ella had done this by her own hand and told fen to call her out on it. well, the little girl was cracking her own shit up when she found out she was caught. my guess is she thought they were giant stickers and added them to the bottom of her shoes so that she could seamlessly glide across the hardwood and do panty liner pirouettes? who the hell knows, but with 2344 toys in the house...why wouldn't she choose feminine products to play with instead? why wouldn't she. (makes total sense.) upon further inspection i found several other shoes adorned with panty liners and i decided to interrogate her over breakfast this morning. as i crunched into my bacon, i leaned over and said, "so why have you been taking mommy's things out of the bathroom and sticking them on the bottom of your shoes?" she looked like a deer in headlights, as she probably thought her problems were over with fen. she looked at me dead in the eye and said, "carrie did it." (and so it begins.)

i know damn well the little one didn't do it, so we had a courageous conversation about telling the truth at all times...and not getting into my feminine products. i mean, all of the chemicals are out of reach, but i didn't know i would have to hide the pads as well. (things they don't tell you in the parenting books). so anyway, things have been pretty quiet around here lately. not much to write home about. however, warren has been receiving these mysterious packages on the porch for weeks now. pretty much he is the walter white of weightlifting. he's got enough potions and proteins to put schwarzenegger to shame. i recently walked into the pantry to find three big boxes of marathon protein bars. i said, "where the hell did you get these!?" he replied, "ebay. they were 20 bucks TOTAL for 36 bars!...that's like $106 in savings!!" my next question was, "what's the expiration date?" he got all flustered and then yelled from the living room, "wellllll....they are BEST BY june." (like a month from now). i laughed and told him that i hope he violently shits his shorts upon eating them. who the hell buys almost expired protein bars on ebay in bulk and thinks that this is totally normal!? (him.) he has started his game of divvying them out to our friends when they come over. best part is, they are stupid enough to take them...so i hope they shit their shorts as well.

this afternoon i am headed to the land of brotherly love to visit my brother and be a part of the 10 mile broadstreet run. (i'm nervous as hell, people.) i feel physically ready, but mentally not so much. i'd rather sit back and drink a couple (hundred) mimosas tomorrow morning than run like a chubby gazelle down the streets of philadelphia. alas, i'm hoping that this is another thing i can cross of my bucketlist. a few weeks ago i sang a duet during karaoke hour at the local VFW with my mother. neither of us can carry a tune, but were belting out meghan trainor because we were "all about that bass." (oh boy.) i guess that isn't so much bucketlist material, but it sure was fun. both of my children are getting so big so fast, and my uterus continues to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. i go back and forth with wanting another baby, but when i think about all the sleepless nights of a newborn i come back to reality. for now i will continue to make sure my 4 year old stays out of the feminine products, my 2 year old is dressed in her wackiest gear, and hoping my husband stops buying proteins and potions from ebay. warmer weather and sunshine has put the world in a good mood, so get out there and enjoy it. i don't recommend running a marathon or anything, but if you choose to...i have the bars to sustain you during your race. for a good laugh, i'll stand on the sidelines and watch as you shit your shorts? (god speed.) no worries, in less then 24 hours i'll be deep in the bowels of broadstreet...probably doing the same thing. cheers to the finish line, friends...and always laughing along the way.