jalapenis

so this past weekend, my husband had a mishap with jalapenos...and his penis. (yes.) before i get into the good stuff, let me explain something...i would say the past coupla months, warren has really stepped up to the plate in regard to doing stuff in and around the house. i don't have to ask him to shit, he just does it. i find this be quite a help, especially cause (as you know) i am in the midst of earning my masters. i think he knows that i am on the brink of losing my mind and doesn't want me to end up in an insane asylum. (sure beats him scratching his sack on the sofa!) so this past sunday, after i had spent four hours writing a paper, i was getting ready for a run when the kids went down for a nap. we had a picnic to attend later that day and he knew i had to make an appetizer to take along. that morning when i had done the grocery shopping, i got the fixins for stuffed jalapeno poppers that are super easy and super good. if you don't like spicy stuff, then don't try it (recipe later). however, i paired it with hummus and pita chips on the same plate...for the faint hearted. (pansies) so anyway, before i left for the run he said, "is there anything i can help you with for the picnic?" i thought about it for a hot second (pun intended) and then said, "yeah, you could halve those jalapenos and scrape out the seeds and ribs." he said okay. before i walked out the door i said, "make sure you wash your hands immediately after you do it so that you don't touch your eyes or some shit!" he said okay.

so flash forward an hour, i come home re-energized from my run and ready to stuff some jalapenos for the picnic. the whole house smelled like the peppers and i realized they were a particularly spicy batch. (yikes.) beforehand, i ran up to get a shower and he was laying on the bed and said (quite salty), "so i forgot to wash my hands right away and i ate some jelly beans after i cut the peppers...MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE!" (the visual made me lose it.) he went on...that wasn't the worst part, because then i went pee. (oh boy, not the man parts.) "after i was done, i pulled up my pants and thought, woahhhh! that BURRRNSSS!...and realized it was from the peppers." his facial expression was hilarious and i was doubled over. here i am out for a nice jog around the neighborhood and my husband is dealing with...a JALAPENO PECKER?! (priceless.) after i composed myself, he went on to say he then washed his hands with milk. (he searched all knowing google for a remedy...milk was it.) i was afraid to ask if he gave his dick a dairy bath as well, because i had already heard far too much of the story. (quite honestly, i had laughed enough at this point.) the kids were napping and after i showered i laid down for a minute next to him. i instructed him to NOT touch me anywhere...or expect any afternoon delight scenarios. after our last scare with poison ivy in my lady garden, i'm not taking any chances. i'd imagine that jalapeno permeating my lady parts would give me one hell of a problem. (just a hunch.)

luckily his jalapeno penis pain subsided and we all went to the picnic unscathed. days later i said to my husband, "so what did it really feel like?!" he said (and i quote), "like my dick was dipped in a jar of gasoline...and it was then set ablaze." (i couldn't breathe) plus, he puts a whole new meaning to liar, liar pants on fire! (penis on fire?) so if you want to make these appetizers, all you need is 16 jalapenos, 2 containers of croissants, and 1 container of garden vegetable cream cheese. you halve the peppers and croissants, fill them with cream cheese, wrap the pepper in the croissant and pop them in the oven. (please for the love of god WEAR GLOVES.) we are back to normalcy for the most part in our house, i mean, as normal as we get. now that carrie is talking more, she and her sister are having some awesome conversations. i was in the kitchen yesterday and heard ella say, "you have to eat FOOD cause it helps us to run and and run and run and play!" carrie replied, "and POOP!" ella lost her gut laughing. (i was chuckling around the corner.) why are kids always so obsessed with poop? (maybe it's just my kids.) anyways, hopefully we don't have any picnics to attend this weekend. i know one thing for sure, i'm not bringing an appetizer this time if we do. having a husband who is helpful around the house is amazing, especially when a simple task turns into a dick debacle that makes you laugh. jalapeno peckers and poop are headliners for this week...par for the course in our house. party on!