decisions

so it's no secret that my husband has a couponing addiction. although it has waxed and waned over the years, it's always in the forefront of his mind when he looking up deals or is shopping. he is not a cheap guy, but loves to save money whenever possible. (unless he's at the bar, then he'll buy every person a round. twice.) anyways, it was his "turn" last weekend (we take turns every other weekend) to go grocery shopping and he came home with some discounted meat. usually if we don't eat this meat within 2 or 3 days, it goes in to the freezer for later use. lo and behold, it never went into the freezer (more about that later) and we left for a little trip to pennsyltucky to visit with my family for the resurrection of christ (for those of you non religious people, that's easter.) so after a few days of working out our waistline and our liver in small town america, we headed back yesterday to the land of crabcakes and water views. within an hour of getting home, we got a call from a close friend that said they were heading to the ER with their youngest...cause the middle child hit him in the face with a golf club (accidentally) during his back swing. (oh boy.) i went along for the ride until she could meet her husband, and talked about the easter bunny to this little dude as his face swelled up like he was stung by a swarm of bees (welcome back to maryland!). mine had their own car shenanigans.

after that ordeal, we decided to go to the gym. after a workout, we headed home and he said he would (and i quote) "make dinner." i didn't think anything of it when my husband said there was some "pork" left over from last week and he was going to make some fried rice with it. although i do most of the cooking in our household, he does do some...and he's made this rice before so i said have at it. i went upstairs to take a shower and when i came back down, dinner was ready. we all sat down to eat and ella had her regular dinner of edamame (i know, so weird) and carrie was eating ramen noodles like a college student (butch loves that it's 10 cents a pack.) i don't know what goes on in your house, but the kids typically don't eat same thing as us (thank god in this case.) so fast forward, the kids are in bed, we are watching tv and my stomach starts to hurt. earlier in the evening, ella complained about a stomach ache and almost didn't make it to the bathroom, alarming me that there was a "little poop accident" in her underwear (dear lord.) pork for dinner...poop for dessert. so anyway, her pain went away, but mine intensified throughout the course of the evening, to the point where i was doubled over like i was in labor. i didn't feel nauseous, or like i had to shit my pants...it just hurt. it felt like the hulk reached in and was grabbing my stomach (the actual organ) and squeezing it as hard as he could.

i came downstairs on the couch and after about 2 hours of this pain (holy hell)...i went to the bathroom and unleashed what can only be described as a poisonous pork surprise. i seriously haven't seen that much vomit since senior week circa 2000, so it wasn't pleasant. i panicked as i was puking, because i knew if i stayed in that position over the toilet...i was also going to shit my pants. so here i am at almost 34 years old making life decisions about whether or not i should shit my pants...or puke on the floor. the trashcan was out of reach at this point, so i made a game time decision that i would sit on the toilet and puke on the floor if need be. thank god it was 3am and no one was around, because there were sounds coming out of my body that no human should make. my children surely would've thought i was dying in that moment and my husband would not be able to take me seriously ever again. after a solid 23 minutes of this, i stumbled back out to the couch like courtney love after a bad bender and looked like a straight up drug addict. my hair was all over my head, mascara running down my face, i was breathing heavy...and asking god to take me home. about a half hour later and a short respite, same thing again. and again. pleased to report i never did shit my pants, kudos to me for keeping it somewhat together.

this morning, i woke up (using that loosely) and walked out to the kitchen for some water. i hadn't been around any person that was sick, so started to investigate the pork situation, since it was the last thing that i ate. as i dug through the trash (again, like a drug addict) i found the pork container. the sell by date was march 20th, and he bought it on march 21st, on super sale for $3.91. to be clear, it was two pounds of bone in pork for $3.91...and we ate it on march 28th. he later told me he "didn't look at the date" and "it smelled fine." (and it did taste good?) so i gave him hell about it and he goes, "i'm not taking the blame for this! i didn't get sick and i ate the same thing!" one thing you need to know about this...butch has what can only be described as an iron gut. i have seen this kid in high school take crab and shrimp alfredo out of his car on a 90 degree day FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE and eat it with no adverse effects. he also eats sushi that should've been devoured long before he decides to eat it. so although there is a 1% chance that this could be some "bug" i picked up from somewhere else...i refuse to believe it. best thing is, this is our first day without kids on our spring break (we have spring break as teachers this week, and they have school. yahtzee!), and it has been spent in bed. i'm doing everything to rally so that i can attend paint nite tonight with some coworkers, something i've been looking forward to for a awhile. moreover, if the rest of spring break is spent making life decisions about whether or not to shit my pants...i want a goddamn do over. furthermore, it's my turn to the do the grocery shopping this week...hoping to slip in a surprise on the list for warren. like rat poison.

jeep

so last night i was standing in the kitchen after working all day, taking the kids to dance, making dinner, and doing dishes (whew.) at that point, i was preparing to pack lunches for the next day...and it's no secret that this is one of my most loathed motherly chores. i don't know why it is such a pain in the lady parts, but it is. i called out to ella and asked, "what do you want for lunch tomorrow?!" (i always ask, but it is usually the same old thing.) she skipped into where i was and said thoughtfully, "so i was thinking that instead of your normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich you make me...maybe you could take a cheese stick, wrap it up with a piece of ham, and then add a toothpick to it so it doesn't fall apart??" (what the hell.) i stared at her and must've made a face, cause she started laughing hysterically. then i put my hand on my hip and said, "so who at school has THAT for lunch?" she told me. all i could think was "pinterest is ruining the lives of the peanut butter and jelly moms of america." (for real.) because of this i am now expected to make an appetizer like lunch for my child with fancy toothpicks and everything?! i looked at ella and said, "well first of all i don't have any ham and second of all maybe next week." she kind of snickered and skipped out of the room. (she knows better.) screw you, pinterest.

so after i put the kids to bed that night, i was supposed to go out for an adult beverage with my friend fen and her roommate. (let's call her fillian for anonymity.) the special occasion? warm weather. (like we need an excuse.) so when i got home that day, i left the top down on my jeep, cause i had planned on picking them up (that comes into play later.) in a shocking (but not really) twist of events, fen was leaving her job in DC and the one and only route she could take to come home...was completely shut down. it started with "i'm in traffic" texts, to a full blown pissed off texting rant...and then an irate phone call. she was freaking out and after about an hour, we realized she wouldn't be back to our town until much later...and we would have to do our warm weather celebration another night. in the meantime, i put on yoga pants and stretched out on the couch for that approximate one hour i have between my kid's bedtime and my own bedtime. butch was watching borhat and laughing his ass off. i convinced him to change it to house of cards and started to get into the show. an hour later, i sat up and realized i didn't put the top back on the jeep. (shit.) so right before bed, i threw on a sweatshirt and went out there to take care of the situation.

putting the top down was easy. a coupla clips, a coupla straps...and two coworkers who helped me. i went out there to do the reverse of that and i couldn't get the clips to clip. i struggled and cursed myself for a while and then went in to beckon warren. he was laying there in boxer shorts and a t-shirt with his laptop on his stomach. after sighing loudly and putting on slippers, he came out to help me. we tried like hell for a while and couldn't get the top to budge. it was like pulled tight across the top and we couldn't get the clips to reach. after about 10 minutes he said, "i'm going to put on some pants! i'm freezing! i'm in boxer shorts chrissake!" (i hope our neighbors were looking.) so he came back out (wearing pants) and we continued to try to get this thing back on. i started to mentally flip out, because i knew the temperatures were supposed to dip even further...and i had to DRIVE TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING. he went back in and we googled, only to go back out for another 15 minutes to try again (nothing.) he said, "so worse case scenario you have to drive to work with the top down tomorrow." i said, "worse case scenario!? i'm gonna freeze my tits off! not to mention that i'm going to look like a complete dick with my top down in 40 degree weather!" (he laughed.) i went from feeling cool to feeling like a total tool...in 30 degrees flat.

so anyway, after about 40 minutes of wrestling with this thing, we just decided to go up to bed. i messaged a friend of mine on the facebook and asked her if she ever had this problem. she wrote back and said her friend had the same issue that i did when the temperatures dip down. the top has a hard time "relaxing" and going back into place when it's cold. therefore, my procrastination led to my problem. (crap.) she told me to put it in the garage and run the heat. (i don't have a garage.) at that point i kind knew that i would be driving down the highway in the morning sans jeep top and looking like a total idiot all the while freezing my ass off. i'm glad i had the night to mentally prepare for that. (my kids didn't...which you will see.) luckily their daycare is literally right down the street, so i knew they wouldn't be cold for long. i told them what happened and ella stared at me with the same smirk she had about the pinterest lunch she wanted me to prepare. we are the same person in so many ways, that sometimes i can actually see exactly what she is thinking even when she isn't saying anything. meanwhile, my second born was still talking about how "cool" it was that the top was down and i was thinking, "well you better get ready to to go from cool to cold, sister...cause that's where we are headed." i texted fen and told her my predicament. she told me i'm the worst mother ever (thanks for that.)  then i snapped this picture this morning to send to her. (enjoy.)

so after i dropped off the kids, the ride into work was brutal. the heat in the jeep is legit, but it was no match for the 40 degree temperature outside and cruising along at 80mph down a four lane highway on my 40 minute commute. people were definitely staring and i saw several double takes (what the helllll is she doing?!...). i waved and smiled at some of them as they were shaking their head. i was wearing a scarf, a vest...and a sign on my forehead that said dumbass. the day before i was just telling my husband how much i enjoy the "jeep wave" and i mentioned that i think all people with the same cars should wave at each other. it's a very friendly custom and makes you feel like you belong to some elite club. (i love it!) on that note, he turned to me before he walked out the door this morning and said, "my guess is that you are going to get ZERO jeep waves this morning. ZERO." all i could do was laugh...he was probably right. if i saw some asshole driving down the road in freezing temps in a jeep with the top down, i would think they were a total idiot. (this morning, i was that idiot.) as i walked out of work into 80 degree temps, i was seriously hoping that the top would be "relaxed" when i went home so that i could close it for tomorrow morning (i also went to the dealership for my buddy zach to show me how to do it properly. f google.) someone once said that procrastination leads to piss poor performance...in this case it led to a jeep top that wouldn't close and looking real stupid. (par for the course.) just another day in paradise, people. bring on spring.