decisions

so it's no secret that my husband has a couponing addiction. although it has waxed and waned over the years, it's always in the forefront of his mind when he looking up deals or is shopping. he is not a cheap guy, but loves to save money whenever possible. (unless he's at the bar, then he'll buy every person a round. twice.) anyways, it was his "turn" last weekend (we take turns every other weekend) to go grocery shopping and he came home with some discounted meat. usually if we don't eat this meat within 2 or 3 days, it goes in to the freezer for later use. lo and behold, it never went into the freezer (more about that later) and we left for a little trip to pennsyltucky to visit with my family for the resurrection of christ (for those of you non religious people, that's easter.) so after a few days of working out our waistline and our liver in small town america, we headed back yesterday to the land of crabcakes and water views. within an hour of getting home, we got a call from a close friend that said they were heading to the ER with their youngest...cause the middle child hit him in the face with a golf club (accidentally) during his back swing. (oh boy.) i went along for the ride until she could meet her husband, and talked about the easter bunny to this little dude as his face swelled up like he was stung by a swarm of bees (welcome back to maryland!). mine had their own car shenanigans.

after that ordeal, we decided to go to the gym. after a workout, we headed home and he said he would (and i quote) "make dinner." i didn't think anything of it when my husband said there was some "pork" left over from last week and he was going to make some fried rice with it. although i do most of the cooking in our household, he does do some...and he's made this rice before so i said have at it. i went upstairs to take a shower and when i came back down, dinner was ready. we all sat down to eat and ella had her regular dinner of edamame (i know, so weird) and carrie was eating ramen noodles like a college student (butch loves that it's 10 cents a pack.) i don't know what goes on in your house, but the kids typically don't eat same thing as us (thank god in this case.) so fast forward, the kids are in bed, we are watching tv and my stomach starts to hurt. earlier in the evening, ella complained about a stomach ache and almost didn't make it to the bathroom, alarming me that there was a "little poop accident" in her underwear (dear lord.) pork for dinner...poop for dessert. so anyway, her pain went away, but mine intensified throughout the course of the evening, to the point where i was doubled over like i was in labor. i didn't feel nauseous, or like i had to shit my pants...it just hurt. it felt like the hulk reached in and was grabbing my stomach (the actual organ) and squeezing it as hard as he could.

i came downstairs on the couch and after about 2 hours of this pain (holy hell)...i went to the bathroom and unleashed what can only be described as a poisonous pork surprise. i seriously haven't seen that much vomit since senior week circa 2000, so it wasn't pleasant. i panicked as i was puking, because i knew if i stayed in that position over the toilet...i was also going to shit my pants. so here i am at almost 34 years old making life decisions about whether or not i should shit my pants...or puke on the floor. the trashcan was out of reach at this point, so i made a game time decision that i would sit on the toilet and puke on the floor if need be. thank god it was 3am and no one was around, because there were sounds coming out of my body that no human should make. my children surely would've thought i was dying in that moment and my husband would not be able to take me seriously ever again. after a solid 23 minutes of this, i stumbled back out to the couch like courtney love after a bad bender and looked like a straight up drug addict. my hair was all over my head, mascara running down my face, i was breathing heavy...and asking god to take me home. about a half hour later and a short respite, same thing again. and again. pleased to report i never did shit my pants, kudos to me for keeping it somewhat together.

this morning, i woke up (using that loosely) and walked out to the kitchen for some water. i hadn't been around any person that was sick, so started to investigate the pork situation, since it was the last thing that i ate. as i dug through the trash (again, like a drug addict) i found the pork container. the sell by date was march 20th, and he bought it on march 21st, on super sale for $3.91. to be clear, it was two pounds of bone in pork for $3.91...and we ate it on march 28th. he later told me he "didn't look at the date" and "it smelled fine." (and it did taste good?) so i gave him hell about it and he goes, "i'm not taking the blame for this! i didn't get sick and i ate the same thing!" one thing you need to know about this...butch has what can only be described as an iron gut. i have seen this kid in high school take crab and shrimp alfredo out of his car on a 90 degree day FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE and eat it with no adverse effects. he also eats sushi that should've been devoured long before he decides to eat it. so although there is a 1% chance that this could be some "bug" i picked up from somewhere else...i refuse to believe it. best thing is, this is our first day without kids on our spring break (we have spring break as teachers this week, and they have school. yahtzee!), and it has been spent in bed. i'm doing everything to rally so that i can attend paint nite tonight with some coworkers, something i've been looking forward to for a awhile. moreover, if the rest of spring break is spent making life decisions about whether or not to shit my pants...i want a goddamn do over. furthermore, it's my turn to the do the grocery shopping this week...hoping to slip in a surprise on the list for warren. like rat poison.