barf

rough night, carrie?

there is something insanely humbling that happens when another human vomits on you. it has only occured a few times in my life, one of which being last night. i heard whimpering from across the hall just as i was drifting into dreamland. (kids are awesome with timing.) i sat up and listened a little more, willing god to lay his hands on my two year old and quiet her back down to sleep. (it was that serious.) to my dismay, she then escalated in a way only a two year old can, and screams erupted as if being bellowed through a megaphone. i acted as if my ass was on fire and leaped out of bed like a ninja. when i opened the door, i scooped her up and she proceeded to say between sobs, "belllllly hurrrrrts." (oh balls.) so with carrie clinging to me like a spider monkey, i made my way back to my bed. in the meantime, my husband is suffering from a man cold and hadn't been to work all monday. his mouth was agape and air was spewing out of it like the blow hole of a whale. i settled in with my offspring next to me. she got quiet, but she had what i call "the swallows." you know the moments that happen before you are going to blow chunks and your saliva goes apeshit and you can't stop swallowing? that's the swallows. so i heard her having the swallows and thought, "shit." (that's all i could muster at that hour.)

however, after about 10 minutes, she pointed back to her bedroom and i went over and laid her back down gently in her crib. i hopped back in bed, hopeful that i averted a crisis. but as i slowly drifted back to sleep more screams came from toddlertown. (sweet mary mother of...) so i walked back over and scooped her out of the crib, held her, and rubbed her back. just as i opened my mouth to say, 'i love you'...she leaned back and without much warning LET. LOOSE. (let loose.) the entire contents of her stomach flew up and out of her esophagus like that of a shaken soda bottle. it blew out of her face hole, on and over my shoulder, down my shirt and (my favorite part)...in my mouth. the mouth that was open cause i was saying i love you to her. (if that isn't a kick in the uterus, i don't know what is.) in the glow of her princess nitelight and with the absence of my contacts, i couldn't see much. (turned out to be a good thing.) i gagged a little and ran across her bedroom as she continued to puke over my shoulder and onto her bedroom floor. (it made a splat sound) i forrest gumped it across the hall and into the bathroom leaving a trail of vomit behind me. it looked like a hotel room on spring break morning with the amount of upchuck i left in my wake.

i stood her over the toilet and she acted as if i was getting ready to dip her into a vat of acid. (screams and dramatics galore) i explained that if she had to throw up again, to try to aim it in the toilet instead of on me. simple, right? WRONG. she lost her ever loving mind and with that, warren was awoken from his mighty slumber. he stumbled into the bathroom and stared at me as i was covered in vomit and holding our screaming child. (just stared) i don't know if he thought the two of us snuck out to the local tavern and got hopped on tequila or what, but he looked angry and confused. after more staring than i could take i said, "she's sick"...and shooshed him out of the bathroom. carrie continued to cry despite my condolences, so after changing my shirt...i decided to lay her back in our bed. i rubbed her back and tried to calm her down. motherhood is a powerful thing, cause what other situation in the world would make you want to embrace a person that just puked on you? (i can't think of any.) so i guess i didn't learn my lesson, because the swallows started again in about 10 minutes and she quickly and violently sat up and vomited all over my OTHER shoulder and my other shirt. she also managed to get some in the bed...which left butch bewildered.

so there we were at 3am changing the sheets, staring at one another...no need for words. i must say that this incident comes after a recent discussion of wanting to have another baby. i go back and forth often and in the lieu of a death in the family, i had the 'life's too short' mentality and thought about one more. well wouldn't you know that the powers that be would throw a curve ball at me this week in the form of a stomach bug. after a night of no sleep, i woke up and felt like a walking asshole. carrie eventually fell asleep between us, but mostly on my side of the bed. her cranium was on my windpipe and her feet were gently crushing my spine at one point. i was afraid to move because i didn't want to wake her, so when i "woke up" for the day my body felt like it was legitimately beaten. i thought it was best i call off of work because of the night's events. the first words out of her mouth when she opened her eyes were, "love you, too, mommy." after a big breakfast, she was totally back to normal. i don't know what higher power you all believe in, but i believe whoever it is was kicked back in his throne last night, laughing his ass off at me...nothing like a belly bug and a shower of barf to make you realize you really don't want another baby right now. alas, i will not spend my spring break in cancun next week, but will be shampooing vomit out of carpet. pretty sure the aforementioned events are the best form of birth control one can offer. you're welcome in advance. 

doctor

 alright, so what are your thoughts when you first see this? mine was...what in the flying HELL is this horseshit!? (caps lock.) it all started when i was running around one morning before work and couldn't find my wallet. (at this stage in the game, i spend half my life looking for shit.) i decided to just wing it without it, but half way through the day i realized that we ran out of cough medicine the night before and needed it for the kids that evening. (rats!) so, i texted my husband and said the following, "can you stop before you go to the gym (more about that later) and get cough medicine for the kids? get non-drowsy stuff, cause i want it for the day time, too." he wrote back, "k." (ps. i hate when people just write "k"...is it too hard to just write the goddamn "o" with it? sheesh.) anyways, i got home from work, walked in the door, and staring me in the eyeballs was...DR. COCOA. (doctor. cocoa.) last time i checked, medicine should not be something you pour over a sundae. moreover, you don't serve medicine ala mode with a side of sprinkles. i said (kinda laughing), "what the hell is THAT!?" (remember my thoughts from before? i don't have a filter.) butch said (a little annoyed), "that's all they had." i said, "where did you go?" (hershey park?!) he said, "rite aid." (yeah friggin right that's all they had!) "you said, 'cough, non-drowsy' that's what i got." (men.)

i went on, "there is no way that that was "all they had"(i totally threw out air quotes)...no way in hell!" he laughed. i know for a fact that rite aid has a whole WALL full of medicine for kids, so don't even go there with me, bucko. i walked away and then a few minutes later (after some thought) i walked back in the kitchen and said, "really, what the hell were you thinking when you thought doctor cocoa was the best choice!? i mean, we've had a plethora of medicines for the kids before, but chocolate medicine!? last time i checked, it wasn't milton hershey, M.D.!?!?" after a laughing fit my husband said, "well all the other stuff was like 8 bucks! this was $5.99 so i bought it instead. look! it's NEW!" (pointing to the box.) the truth comes out. captain coupon was at it again. so later that evening i administered the medicine to my coughing kids. they have that end of the winter sickness that is just hanging on long enough to be a pain in the dick. (done with winter. done.) both of them acted like it was the best day of their lives and ASKED FOR MORE. (licked the spoon!) we wanna know why kids are soft these days? chocolate flavored medicine is one of the reasons they are soft. back in my day, medicine tasted like battery acid. now? if your kid is sick they can take a little trip to willy wonka's factory to feel better. (wtf.)

so in a month or so i will be turning 33. along with getting hyper about chocolate flavored childrens' medicine, my past times include plucking gray hairs from my head and contemplating dying it often, covering crows feet with makeup, hurting myself while getting out of bed (that happened this morning)...and wondering when the hell i got so old. i know, i know...i'm not THAT old, but i'm no young chippy anymore and shit seems to be going downhill fast. moreover, ella started soccer practice this week and i now can officially be labeled a "soccer mom." (enter taper legged jeans.) at this point in the game people are really pushing this minivan issue. i mean, it's a BIG deal. the people that have minivans are all like, "they are awesome! you will love it! join my caravan cult!" and i'm all like, "no." it's not even a matter of image or anything, i just don't like them. (plus, i still listen to notorious b.i.g. radio on pandora for chrissake. big poppa blaring out of a minivan? just no.) maybe soon i will change my tune...but for now i'm still oppositional. furthermore, in my ripe old age i catch myself saying stuff like, "kids these days..." and "back in my day." (who the hell am i? my grandmother!?) meanwhile, my husband is going through some sort of crisis and hits the gym like everyday of the week. his past times include pumping iron, taking protein...and drinking cashew milk. (i didn't even know there was such a thing until i opened the fridge this week.) pardon me, but i don't think nuts should produce milk. (it just goes against nature.) he told me to try it and i told him to keep his nut milk to himself. (isn't the first time i told him that, but that's another story for another time.)

i must say that the shift between my oldest needing me for everything as a newborn...to needing me to drive her to activities was a quick and violent one. i have a new respect for my parents, because right now three of my weeknights are compromised by soccer and dance. the little one comes along for the ride, but i'm sure she will be signed up for shit in no time. no one warns you about this stuff either. all of a sudden...i'm a chauffeur! this being said, it is kinda fun to see your kid involved in stuff. i'm totally living vicariously through her. when we stepped on the soccer field for the first time on monday, i totally took a little mental trip down memory lane. (it's funny how your mind can take you there.) she did awesome until about 45 minutes into the practice when she had a meltdown and starting crying that she was too cold. (kids these days.) other parents were staring at me (probably glad it wasn't their kid), but after losing her shit for a few minutes she got back out there. in her defense, it was pretty cold...i was cussing out mother nature in my mind. (it's spring, dammit!) we had a courageous conversation on the way home about how whining isn't allowed at soccer. (there is no crying in baseball!...or soccer.) so as my husband sips his cashew milk and my kids down their chocolate medicine...you will be able to find me kicked back with a box of wine wearing my best mom jeans. maybe a little rap music on the radio for good measure. be jealous.

friends

 

so my husband recently asked me if i made friends with the dance moms at ella's class. however, i don't think i really "fit in" with them. for instance, this week i overheard one of them talking about how she sews clothes for her kids' baby dolls and the other one chimed in that she knitted the sweater she was wearing. (it looked like something straight out of a j.crew magazine.) meanwhile i was thinking about how half the baby dolls at my house are stark naked and the fact that i buy my clothes at target. (no knitting here.) not to mention the fact that i drink my wine out of a...box. so the answer is no, butch...not yet. this got me thinking about how the older you get the queerer it is to make friends. when you are five, if someone lets you borrow their blue crayon...you are best friends. (it doesn't take much.) moreover, the most insulting thing that kids say to each other is, "you aren't my friend!" they fall in and out of friendships like 323 times a day. can you imagine if adults acted that way? like if fen pissed me off and my only comeback was, "WELL YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND ANYMORE!" (so there.) parents sometimes get bent of shape when they hear this, but really, what leverage do kids have with each other other than friendship? that's the only weapon they can use sometimes to be hurtful. (and hurtful it is.) so if becoming friends with someone as a kid is so easy...how comes it gets harder as an adult?

maybe it's because we become much more judgy as adults? (even if we try not to be.) i mean, i was totally judging the women at dance class who had their way with thread and yarn. i also thought that they probably have perfectly prepared meals for their kids, made with only the best organic ingredients. (kraft works for me.) they probably used cloth diapers when their kids were babies. (waddup pampers.) they undoubtedly wash them with homemade soap in the bathtub. (johnson and johnson does a fine job of that.) i instantly thought, "well....we probably won't have a lot in common..." even though i only knew a little bit about them. (only the sewing/knitting bit.) the thing is this, we do have a lot in common...we all have kids. i may raise mine differently than they do, but at the end of the day we all have children. i have found the you have to do what works best for YOU as a mother. the first time i had to take carrie with me to dance class, she stood outside of the glass and threw a tantrum yelling, 'MMMEEEEEEEEEE DANNNCEEEE! MEEEEEE!" (oh hell.) i tried to talk her down from the ledge, but she was losing her shit. i had to physically remove her from the situation and when she calmed down i went back inside. i apologized to the other moms and one said, "for what?! my kid acts like a total ahole half the time, too. no worries!" (phew.) another time my two year old pulled a (wrapped) tampon out of my bag and wanted to eat it. i had to explain why tampons are not snacks. it was in a room full of moms, however, so they were all laughing. the one dad was staring oddly at me like he didn't know what a uterus was. (back off, bub...you made baby you should know about lady parts and periods.)

also when you get older you have like different sets of friends. (at least i do) you have the friends you knew from high school, college friends, neighbors, and if you have kids...you have friends with kids. my friends from high school are more like family and fen fits into that group. she gets all nervous on social media that people are going to think we are lesbians. listen, there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian...but i am not one. (either is fen.) it's just that really close friends like that are few and far between. we have a shit ton of fun together. friends like that know where you have been...and know where you are going. (good stuff.) the mom friends i've made thus far are pretty awesome as well. we all have one thing in common...we really love our kids and we really love wine. i have found that coffee sustains you as a mother and wine supports you. (truth.) i use both in moderation as of late, but they are still there whispering sweet nothings in my ear always. anyway, long story long, i am not friends with any of the dance moms...yet. i think i'm gonna throw a bone out there and see if anyone wants to hang out sometime. i overheard one of them talking about a book club and my mind was saying, "hey! you like books! you also like wine...wait? i wonder if they will they have wine there?..." (my mind goes there quick) i guess i'll have to channel my inner five year old in order to make some new friends. however, i won't be sewing any doll clothes or knitting any sweaters anytime soon. so for now i'll head around the corner to fen's after my cherubs go to bed for our guilty pleasure of grey's anatomy. we will proudly devour a bag of popcorn for dinner and drink our wine from a box. if you are wondering...i bought the yoga pants i'm wearing over there at target. please don't judge me.

better

yesterday was one of the days that i really kicked ass at parenting. i mean, i don't say things like this often because alotta the time i feel like i am straight up screwing my kids up. at the end of most days, i just do the best i can and hope i am not raising future serial killers. yesterday was different. it all occurred by accident, though, as awesome things often do...but this is what happened. i had plans to make green eggs and ham with my kindergarten class in celebration of dr. seuss's birthday on monday morning. (more about that later) however, the winter weather blessed us with another snow day. (when i say blessed, i am being sarcastic.) even as a teacher, i am so over snow days. i don't expect people who don't teach to understand, but at this point in the year my classroom is working like a well oiled machine. however, when severe interruptions in our daily routine come into play in the form of snow days and 2 hour delays, it messes up the machine...and mayhem happens. you start having what i call 'august conversations' with kids again. conversations that you really don't want to be having about good behavior and following rules. the machine breaks down without a set routine and it leads to headaches and everyone (especially kindergarten teachers) hoping for spring.

anyway, the green eggs and ham gig is something i have done with my kindergarten kids the past coupla years, but i have never done it with my own kids. i sometimes forget that i have an almost five year old living in my house that will be a kindergartner this year. (*throws up in mouth and swallows while shedding a tear*) i also often forget that she would enjoy most of the stuff i am doing in my classroom as well. so when school was cancelled yesterday, i thought, "the hell with this, i'm still going to make green eggs and ham for my own kids!" (take that, winter.) i whipped them up and carrie looked like i was serving her straight poison, she didn't want anything to do with it. if she could put three words together she would've said, "oh hell no." however, ella thought the whole thing was incredibly awesome and when i gave her the plate to eat she made the face of a legit cartoon character. (like the cat in the hat himself.) we recently read the story, so she was all about repeating parts (oral language skills) that she remembered (recalling information) and then said, "i don't know what took him so LONG to try the green eggs and ham (retelling information), because it's SO GOOD!!" (relating it to her own world) here is the picture i snapped when i handed her the plate.

so you are probably all like, "what's with all the parentheses in the last sentence?" well here goes: i feel that teachers and education in general have been under fire lately. there is a constant push for implementing the common core curriculum, new state testing mandates, and a general overload of (complete) crap. the bottom line is this, if children cannot make connections to their own life and world through learning...it is meaningless. data driven education is meaningless. education has to shift from imparting a static package of knowledge to a dynamic goal of being able to create knowledge and deploy skills to new situations, whatever they turn out to be. in this world, teaching by transfer of information doesn’t work well. instead the role of teachers (and parents) becomes one of enabling and inspiring the students to learn...so as to spark the energies and talents of the students. in other words, learning should be fun. kids should want to learn. the goal needs to shift from one of making a system that teaches children a curriculum more efficiently and getting better test scores to one of making the system more effective by inspiring lifelong learning in students, so that they are able to have full and productive lives in a rapidly shifting economy and society. (throws mic and steps off of soap box.)

later that day as her sister slept, she tagged along as i went to the post office and (one of my favorite places) the library. i didn't even think to look at what events they were having there (because i am usually working)...but they had story hour on the hour of dr. seuss books and crafts to go along with them. (score!) i totally felt like i was kicking ass once more, even though i went for a book for myself and this happened by accident. we stayed for almost two hours as several stories were read to her by a cute gray haired lady. as the lady started to read green eggs and ham to ella, she gasped and said, "i had green eggs and ham for breakfast!" the lady smiled at me. (yeah, i know...no future serial killers here. not today, lady.) subsequently, i decided since i had all of the copies made and supplies bought for my kindergarten green eggs and ham activity, i was going to just go ahead and do it today. (happy belated birthday, dr. seuss!) we start in my classroom by guessing (making predictions) details about the story and about whether or not we will like the green eggs and ham. then, i read the story and we talk about rhyming words and story structure. they usually sit enraptured as i read. kids love patterns, repetition, and rhyme. (dr. seuss was a genius, fyi.) then, i make the eggs and ham in front of them and serve it up hot. i've never had a kid not try it as long as i've been doing it...call it peer pressure or whatever, but they all want to try it. after we eat, we do a shared writing activity about how it tasted. we illustrate a picture of our faces when we tried it (fine motor skills and creativity). finally, we graph how many children liked it or not. (math)

so you see, i didn't just simply serve green eggs and ham to my own child yesterday and to my kindergarten class today. a real lesson was taught. i didn't need a test to tell me they learned something, either. testing children constantly is not fun for anyone involved. (teachers hate them as much as kids.) no kid ever said, "whoohooo! i get to take a standardized test!" testing sucks the fun out of teaching and the fun out of learning...not to mention the fact that actual time to teach is compromised. society is creating expert test takers...and last time i checked, there wasn't a job in the real world for those with that skill. there is a lot more that goes into a lesson (parenting or teaching) than what meets the eye. the end result that i always have in mind is that i want children to learn and i want them to have fun while doing so. (sometimes it happens by accident.) was "cooking green eggs and ham" part of my county curriculum? no. did it cover a whole lot of content related to that curriculum and the common core? yes. do i feel justified in doing such a lesson after breaking it down into what actually has been covered? yes. were the kids able to make connections from the lesson to skills in their own world? yes. there are times i question my abilities as both a parent and as a teacher. i think it's very natural to question what you are doing for your kids (or for other people's kids) is the "right" thing. in this case, i know for sure i kicked ass in regard to both through these activities with my own kid and with my kindergarten kids.

i know for sure because the kids' laughter and smiles told me so. i know for sure because they learned something and they laughed along the way. i know for sure because i covered required content in an unconventional way. i truly hope that i have the ability to inspire children the way the master of rhyming words inspired me. as a child, his words cultivated my love of learning and my own love of reading. (right on dr. s.) kids have to find learning enjoyable and need to relate to it...now and for the rest of their lives. even though these kids are five, they are our future. i think many of us forget that...children are our future. (that's huge.) if feeding them green eggs and ham at five makes them more productive adults...i'm all for it. society needs to get back to basics in regard to education and remember what is important. fostering a love of learning is important. inspiring children is important. silliness and nonsense are both important. creating capable adults is important. the people who are creating and implementing these crazy curriculum and high stakes testing need to step back and embrace their inner child...and maybe eat a little green eggs and ham every once in a while. (maybe with a goat? on a boat?) education and society as a whole would be better because of it.

"sometimes the questions are complicated, and the answers are simple." -dr. seuss