barf

rough night, carrie?

there is something insanely humbling that happens when another human vomits on you. it has only occured a few times in my life, one of which being last night. i heard whimpering from across the hall just as i was drifting into dreamland. (kids are awesome with timing.) i sat up and listened a little more, willing god to lay his hands on my two year old and quiet her back down to sleep. (it was that serious.) to my dismay, she then escalated in a way only a two year old can, and screams erupted as if being bellowed through a megaphone. i acted as if my ass was on fire and leaped out of bed like a ninja. when i opened the door, i scooped her up and she proceeded to say between sobs, "belllllly hurrrrrts." (oh balls.) so with carrie clinging to me like a spider monkey, i made my way back to my bed. in the meantime, my husband is suffering from a man cold and hadn't been to work all monday. his mouth was agape and air was spewing out of it like the blow hole of a whale. i settled in with my offspring next to me. she got quiet, but she had what i call "the swallows." you know the moments that happen before you are going to blow chunks and your saliva goes apeshit and you can't stop swallowing? that's the swallows. so i heard her having the swallows and thought, "shit." (that's all i could muster at that hour.)

however, after about 10 minutes, she pointed back to her bedroom and i went over and laid her back down gently in her crib. i hopped back in bed, hopeful that i averted a crisis. but as i slowly drifted back to sleep more screams came from toddlertown. (sweet mary mother of...) so i walked back over and scooped her out of the crib, held her, and rubbed her back. just as i opened my mouth to say, 'i love you'...she leaned back and without much warning LET. LOOSE. (let loose.) the entire contents of her stomach flew up and out of her esophagus like that of a shaken soda bottle. it blew out of her face hole, on and over my shoulder, down my shirt and (my favorite part)...in my mouth. the mouth that was open cause i was saying i love you to her. (if that isn't a kick in the uterus, i don't know what is.) in the glow of her princess nitelight and with the absence of my contacts, i couldn't see much. (turned out to be a good thing.) i gagged a little and ran across her bedroom as she continued to puke over my shoulder and onto her bedroom floor. (it made a splat sound) i forrest gumped it across the hall and into the bathroom leaving a trail of vomit behind me. it looked like a hotel room on spring break morning with the amount of upchuck i left in my wake.

i stood her over the toilet and she acted as if i was getting ready to dip her into a vat of acid. (screams and dramatics galore) i explained that if she had to throw up again, to try to aim it in the toilet instead of on me. simple, right? WRONG. she lost her ever loving mind and with that, warren was awoken from his mighty slumber. he stumbled into the bathroom and stared at me as i was covered in vomit and holding our screaming child. (just stared) i don't know if he thought the two of us snuck out to the local tavern and got hopped on tequila or what, but he looked angry and confused. after more staring than i could take i said, "she's sick"...and shooshed him out of the bathroom. carrie continued to cry despite my condolences, so after changing my shirt...i decided to lay her back in our bed. i rubbed her back and tried to calm her down. motherhood is a powerful thing, cause what other situation in the world would make you want to embrace a person that just puked on you? (i can't think of any.) so i guess i didn't learn my lesson, because the swallows started again in about 10 minutes and she quickly and violently sat up and vomited all over my OTHER shoulder and my other shirt. she also managed to get some in the bed...which left butch bewildered.

so there we were at 3am changing the sheets, staring at one another...no need for words. i must say that this incident comes after a recent discussion of wanting to have another baby. i go back and forth often and in the lieu of a death in the family, i had the 'life's too short' mentality and thought about one more. well wouldn't you know that the powers that be would throw a curve ball at me this week in the form of a stomach bug. after a night of no sleep, i woke up and felt like a walking asshole. carrie eventually fell asleep between us, but mostly on my side of the bed. her cranium was on my windpipe and her feet were gently crushing my spine at one point. i was afraid to move because i didn't want to wake her, so when i "woke up" for the day my body felt like it was legitimately beaten. i thought it was best i call off of work because of the night's events. the first words out of her mouth when she opened her eyes were, "love you, too, mommy." after a big breakfast, she was totally back to normal. i don't know what higher power you all believe in, but i believe whoever it is was kicked back in his throne last night, laughing his ass off at me...nothing like a belly bug and a shower of barf to make you realize you really don't want another baby right now. alas, i will not spend my spring break in cancun next week, but will be shampooing vomit out of carpet. pretty sure the aforementioned events are the best form of birth control one can offer. you're welcome in advance.