doctor

 alright, so what are your thoughts when you first see this? mine was...what in the flying HELL is this horseshit!? (caps lock.) it all started when i was running around one morning before work and couldn't find my wallet. (at this stage in the game, i spend half my life looking for shit.) i decided to just wing it without it, but half way through the day i realized that we ran out of cough medicine the night before and needed it for the kids that evening. (rats!) so, i texted my husband and said the following, "can you stop before you go to the gym (more about that later) and get cough medicine for the kids? get non-drowsy stuff, cause i want it for the day time, too." he wrote back, "k." (ps. i hate when people just write "k"...is it too hard to just write the goddamn "o" with it? sheesh.) anyways, i got home from work, walked in the door, and staring me in the eyeballs was...DR. COCOA. (doctor. cocoa.) last time i checked, medicine should not be something you pour over a sundae. moreover, you don't serve medicine ala mode with a side of sprinkles. i said (kinda laughing), "what the hell is THAT!?" (remember my thoughts from before? i don't have a filter.) butch said (a little annoyed), "that's all they had." i said, "where did you go?" (hershey park?!) he said, "rite aid." (yeah friggin right that's all they had!) "you said, 'cough, non-drowsy' that's what i got." (men.)

i went on, "there is no way that that was "all they had"(i totally threw out air quotes)...no way in hell!" he laughed. i know for a fact that rite aid has a whole WALL full of medicine for kids, so don't even go there with me, bucko. i walked away and then a few minutes later (after some thought) i walked back in the kitchen and said, "really, what the hell were you thinking when you thought doctor cocoa was the best choice!? i mean, we've had a plethora of medicines for the kids before, but chocolate medicine!? last time i checked, it wasn't milton hershey, M.D.!?!?" after a laughing fit my husband said, "well all the other stuff was like 8 bucks! this was $5.99 so i bought it instead. look! it's NEW!" (pointing to the box.) the truth comes out. captain coupon was at it again. so later that evening i administered the medicine to my coughing kids. they have that end of the winter sickness that is just hanging on long enough to be a pain in the dick. (done with winter. done.) both of them acted like it was the best day of their lives and ASKED FOR MORE. (licked the spoon!) we wanna know why kids are soft these days? chocolate flavored medicine is one of the reasons they are soft. back in my day, medicine tasted like battery acid. now? if your kid is sick they can take a little trip to willy wonka's factory to feel better. (wtf.)

so in a month or so i will be turning 33. along with getting hyper about chocolate flavored childrens' medicine, my past times include plucking gray hairs from my head and contemplating dying it often, covering crows feet with makeup, hurting myself while getting out of bed (that happened this morning)...and wondering when the hell i got so old. i know, i know...i'm not THAT old, but i'm no young chippy anymore and shit seems to be going downhill fast. moreover, ella started soccer practice this week and i now can officially be labeled a "soccer mom." (enter taper legged jeans.) at this point in the game people are really pushing this minivan issue. i mean, it's a BIG deal. the people that have minivans are all like, "they are awesome! you will love it! join my caravan cult!" and i'm all like, "no." it's not even a matter of image or anything, i just don't like them. (plus, i still listen to notorious b.i.g. radio on pandora for chrissake. big poppa blaring out of a minivan? just no.) maybe soon i will change my tune...but for now i'm still oppositional. furthermore, in my ripe old age i catch myself saying stuff like, "kids these days..." and "back in my day." (who the hell am i? my grandmother!?) meanwhile, my husband is going through some sort of crisis and hits the gym like everyday of the week. his past times include pumping iron, taking protein...and drinking cashew milk. (i didn't even know there was such a thing until i opened the fridge this week.) pardon me, but i don't think nuts should produce milk. (it just goes against nature.) he told me to try it and i told him to keep his nut milk to himself. (isn't the first time i told him that, but that's another story for another time.)

i must say that the shift between my oldest needing me for everything as a newborn...to needing me to drive her to activities was a quick and violent one. i have a new respect for my parents, because right now three of my weeknights are compromised by soccer and dance. the little one comes along for the ride, but i'm sure she will be signed up for shit in no time. no one warns you about this stuff either. all of a sudden...i'm a chauffeur! this being said, it is kinda fun to see your kid involved in stuff. i'm totally living vicariously through her. when we stepped on the soccer field for the first time on monday, i totally took a little mental trip down memory lane. (it's funny how your mind can take you there.) she did awesome until about 45 minutes into the practice when she had a meltdown and starting crying that she was too cold. (kids these days.) other parents were staring at me (probably glad it wasn't their kid), but after losing her shit for a few minutes she got back out there. in her defense, it was pretty cold...i was cussing out mother nature in my mind. (it's spring, dammit!) we had a courageous conversation on the way home about how whining isn't allowed at soccer. (there is no crying in baseball!...or soccer.) so as my husband sips his cashew milk and my kids down their chocolate medicine...you will be able to find me kicked back with a box of wine wearing my best mom jeans. maybe a little rap music on the radio for good measure. be jealous.