solicitor

so let me start by saying where we live, this time of year it is hot. before you get all righteous on me and state 'IT'S SUMMER', i'm not talking summertime hot...i'm talking satan came up from the depths of hell and waved his spirit fingers full of fire all over the sky and soil. it's so hot that we have what i call a reverse hibernation thing happening here at our house...no one wants to be outside. now i will state that around 9am each day i try to get out for a little jog around the neighborhood. during these jaunts, i literally see jesus no less then 3 times, dry heave a coupla times, almost puke or pass out, and wouldn't be surprised if someone found me on the side of the road dying of dehydration (it's that hot). so this is me describing a normal morning the past 2 weeks, so imagine how blazing it is by the afternoon. i don't know what the good lord is baking up there...but it's done. i usually try to get my kids outside in the afternoon for some fresh air, but their whining trumps the weather. i've gotten creative on the inside with puzzles, paint by number, painting every room in the entire house (that happened), but yesterday we decided to do something simple. so in the heat of the afternoon, we cozied up on the couch and turned on a home improvement show on the old HGTV. because they have been helping me with things around the house, they are really into it. (which is cool, cause so am i.) so as we were watching in air conditioning, we heard a knock at the door. 

now although we don't get any pop-in visitors during this pandemic, we do get a TON of packages. i usually peek out to see who or what it is, but the dog was barking like hell...so i just went over and opened the door. instinctively, i looked down for a package, but there was no package. i then looked up and what should meet my eye, six feet away, but a masked man dressed in a black hat, a black shirt, black shorts, and black socks and shoes. he was like walking solar panel wearing reeboks and carrying a clipboard. he said, 'hello!' i said, 'hi.' (in my mind, i was like shiiiiiiiit a solicitor.) we get these guys in our neighborhood all the time...they could be selling anything from water softeners to windmills. (sidebar: i usually don't answer the door, cause i have issues saying no face to face to them.) so anyway, i was trapped. i stepped out onto the porch (cause the cold air was escaping the house) and looked over at the bay window where our dog was going ape shit. she is usually mild mannered and old, but when strangers or the UPS guy come and we are home...she goes nuts. she looked like cujo and was acting like she wanted to break through the glass and attack this man's genitals. he looked at me and said with a straight face, 'your dog is SO adorable!' i almost bust out laughing but stated, 'she doesn't like solicitors.' (either do i, but i left that out.)

he then introduced himself as 'jim' and said, 'what's your name!?' i told him. he then goes, 'oh my wordddd! that's my mom's name!' (yeah right.) then, 'what do you do for a living?' i said, 'i'm a teacher.' he stated, 'my mom was a teacher tooooo! she taught high school math.' (i teach kindergarten and dislike math...we don't have that much in common, jim.) next? 'what does your husband do?' i replied, 'he teaches middle school and is teaching a summer class upstairs right now.' he exclaimed, 'i taught middle school for 3 years! clearly i don't anymore!' (clearly.) he yelped, 'how long have you been with your husband?!' i said, '20 years.' he made some type of distorted face, pointed to his wedding ring and said, 'i've been with my wife for 2 years...what's the secret?!' i didn't miss a beat and said, 'a lot of alcohol, jim. lots and lots of alcohol.' well this sent jim into hysterics. he doubled over, was wheezing (probably partly from the heat), and thought this statement was a real KNEE SLAPPER (he was actually slapping his knee). i happened to glance back over at the bay window, and although the dog calmed down...both kids were peeking out from behind the curtain. at his point in the summer...they both look like they have escaped from a hippie commune in the 70s. they were wearing long homemade tye dye shirts, their long hair was a mess all over their heads...and they looked equal parts scared and confused about who i was talking to on the porch. jim saw me looking, glanced over...just as they let the curtains flutter back into place like horror movie. he yelped, 'awww they are SO cute!' even though they they legitimately looked like they were being held captive in their own home. 

so to be clear, he thinks our cujo-crazed dog is adorable, my feral and confused-looking children are cute, he knows my entire life story basically...AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MAN IS TRYING TO SELL ME. he must've seen the annoyance cross my face, cause besides the aforementioned fact, i was standing there sweating in the heat like a pregnant nun during confession. i knew i wasn't in any physical danger, this dude looked like if he got in a fight with my mailbox, the mailbox might win. he then laugh slash yelled, 'so i'm just here to give you a FREE ESTIMATE so that i can hook you up with new WINDOWS!' (oh, hell.) i would've given anything to stop the pain at this point, so i said, 'sure! sign me up!' he put me on speakerphone with his supervisor (named ron), who got all my information...as he is standing there with sweat squirting out of every pore. long story long, the 'estimator expert' (that's what he called him) is supposed to show up today at 5pm. later, my husband came out of the guest room from teaching his class and said, 'why was the dog barking like hell?' i told him the story about solicitor jim. he put both hands on his head and said, 'how do you get in these situations?!' (i don't know.) he went on, 'we are NOT getting new windows!' (i know.) so sometime today i have to call and cancel this appointment, which i will ultimately feel bad about. so basically i'm telling you if a walking solar panel wearing reeboks shows up at your door with a clipboard in the middle of a pandemic and heatwave...do NOT answer it. you might get more than you bargained for. stay inside and watch HGTV...it's much safer. lesson learned. 

safe

so i would say about 3 weeks before vacation i decided to order some new undergarments. as i age, functionality definitely trumps fancy in that department. i went on one of my groups of middle aged women who post the best deals on amazon (what up, kristin!) and searched through the posts. low and behold i found some that looked comfortable. i clicked order and they arrived a day later. my husband opened the package and usually doesn't comment on much...but stated, "who are THESE for?" i stated, "me!" he gave me a look somewhere between confusion and despair, but was very careful with his words. he then mumbled, "those look very SAFE." (i lost it laughing.) a few weeks later i liked my comfortable under britches so much that i ordered more of the same variety. we were traveling at the time and i said out loud, "i REALLY hope no one steals my underwear package off the porch!" without missing a beat he said, "NO ONE...literally NO ONE is going to steal those. also, they will bring them right the hell back if they do!" (again, more laughing.)

let me also say that one of the reasons (aside from functionality) i needed new undergarments is because i had to size UP. upon stepping on the scale yesterday after vacation, i realized i had undoubtedly gained the covid-15. add that to the 15 pounds i gained during the gluttony (and stress/switching jobs) of last summer, and that's an extra 30 pounds since last june. i've always been pretty candid about my weight, but the goal always is to feel healthy and happy with how my clothes are fitting. the leggings and sweatshirts i was wearing everyday during quarantine have now segued into flowy summer dresses. not getting dressed in teacher clothes since march has not been good for the waistline. i know many of you can relate, and that's why i'm sharing. however, i'm no stranger to weight gain and i think my greatest performance was my first year of college when i surpassed the freshman 15...and gained the freshman FORTY. (this is not my first rodeo.) i happen to enjoy beer and burgers (a lot), but my metabolism is that of a speed bump, so i have to watch everything i put into my body. i still run and am active everyday, but when your caloric intake is that of a sumo wrestler...watch out.

that all being said, i need to get myself together and i'm committed. my current goals are to drink more water, eat cleanly, limit alcohol, and be more mindful about my overall health. this pandemic has taken a hit on many people's mental and physical health and i know i'm not alone. you know what else i'm not alone in my lady friends? can any women out there tell me how we used to wear brassieres everyday!? (holy hell.) i've been walking around my own house like something out of a national geographic magazine, but when we were going on vacation with my husband's family, i packed a few normal knocker lockers. the first day i tried one on and was like...'nope!' so i went down to the old walmart and picked up a much more comfortable one of the hanes variety with no wire. apparently my husband didn't see it the whole vacation, because when we arrived home i was getting undressed for a shower and he whipped around and gasped. (loudly.) i said, 'WHAT?!' he then yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU LOOK LIKE MRS. DOUBTFIRE!!!" (i couldn't breathe.) with the uncertainty of next school year looming...i'm choosing to focus on comfortable undergarments, fitness goals, and humor. mrs. doubtfire...over and out.