parenting

i'm going to write a book entitled, "shit the other parenting books don't tell you"...and i'm going to fill it with all of the experiences that i've had thus far as a parent, that i certainly didn't read about in any parenting book or magazine. for example, the "nudie" phase. i remember last summer that ella went through the nudie phase and she was nude...like a lot. swimming? nude. coloring? nude. eating ice cream? sure why not. i think every picture taken last summer was one of her in the buff. or how about the "self mutilation" phase? i remember i was standing in the kitchen and she asked me for some goldfish. (she was about one and a half.) i told her she could have some after she ate some of her lunch...and then she proceeded to punch herself in the face. (i never heard of this, so i was seriously concerned.) then, i come to find out...toddlers can "act out" in this way. (who knew?!...wasn't in anything i ever read.)

one from the nudie phase archives.

how about the fact that they are going to consume literally all of your time for the first couple years of their life? how about that you will never sleep the same way again? how about you will worry all the time about their well being? how about that they can be an incredible pain in the ass!? no one ever talks about this shit. but it's true! now listen, i'm not saying that my children aren't the very best thing that have ever happened to me. i'd lay down on the tracks for either of them if i had to...but this does not take away the fact that all of these other (not so pretty) things are not also true. i think you have a picture of what your life is going to be like with kids...but what you have in your head, and what actually happens are two totally different things. (june cleaver vs. psycho betty) and from the outside...maybe to people without children, it may not look that scary...hell, most times, it may look like i have my shit together (most times i said) but really, you feel like a chicken with your head cut off most days, and you may have one foot on the border of crazy town most weeks...but that becomes the new normal, and you learn to live in a different way.

i'm super cute...but i will rock your world.

so this brings me to another "phase" that would take up it's own chapter in my book. the "potty training" phase. one night this week, ella was splashin' around in the tub and i was a stones throw away in my bedroom folding laundry. (the chubby baby and hairy husband were downstairs.) ella was singing a song in the tub...it went like this, "i'm singin' my song, i'm singin' my song, i'm singin' my song..." (you get it. the lyrics were quite elaborate.) all of a sudden she stopped and said, "oh, my toot in the tub. bubbles. my funny." (my = i) she laughed like a crazy fool and then went back to "singin' her song'. a few minutes later...another toot, more bubbles, more laughter. this went on until i heard silence...and then a shriek of, 'ahhhhhHHHHHHHH get it OUTTTTTTTT!!!!!" i ran into that bathroom like my hair was on fire and she was losing. her. everloving. mind. crying and pointing and saying, "GETTT ITT OUTTT MOMMMYYYY!!!" i said, "get WHAT out ella! get what OUT!?" (i grabbed her, soaking wet out of the tub.) she was hysterical...and then said pointing, "MY POOOOOOP!!!" sure enough...i looked down to see 3 boats, a rubber ducky, and a turd. (for the love of...) i told her to calm down, explained that it was okay...and she was going to sit on the potty. (and i was going to get a vat of wine after this episode was over.)

now at this point, she was still losing her mind. i have no idea why she was acting as if her piece of shit was a goddamn shark... i was so confused. (a shit shark?) so now she's sitting on the potty...i'm kneeling in front of her and she is screaming in my face, "myyyy POOOOPPPP in the tubbbbbb!!!" i said, "honey, it's okay...it was an accident. there are worse things than poop in the tub." (like me having to clean it out of the tub.) "take a deep breath." (and i will not take a deep breath, cause you stink kid.)  so here i am...kneeling on the bathroom floor, soaking wet, holding my toddler on the toilet while she takes a dump...and right over my shoulder is a brown floater bobbing next to her boats. (stuff they do not tell you in the books. exhibit f.) i went to bed that night still laughing about the shit shark and thinking about what a great story it is going to be to tell her when she is a teenager. (in front of a boy she likes, of course...cause payback is a bastard.)

this morning, ella was sauntering around our house wearing my grandmother's pearls saying that she is a princess. her exact words were, "my am a 'frincess." repeated 47 times. (dear god.) butch just got back from a trip to target because he is back on the coupon campaign and needed free dog food and discounted formula. also, the snowbeard is in full effect and we got out early yesterday...as maryland "braced itself" for a whole half inch of snow. carrie is smiling at me from the bouncy seat, plotting her next poop, i'm sure. and i am sipping my coffee, wondering what the next chapter of my parenting book will be. i'm sure something equally as ridiculous as shit sharks and constant nudity. i've learned over the past couple of years with my kids that it is best just to go with the flow, live in the moment, and take it one day at a time. as soon as you figure something new out about your parenting endeavours, your kids will throw a monkey wrench into the plot. (every. time.) whether i am scooping a turd out of the tub with a bucket, or watching my kid sucker punch herself in the face...i try to enjoy every moment and laugh a lot along the way. (life is too short not to.) also, june cleaver's got nothing on me. psycho betty...over and out.

lizards

alright, so i haven't written much about my class this year...and it's not because they aren't a bunch of characters, because they crack me up everyday. i just haven't had as much time, with my own two crazy cookies at home. however, today i taught a lesson about martin luther king, jr. and it's definitely worth sharing. i am always surprised at my students' initial reaction to a discussion about race. to begin, all of my students are black, with the exception of two hispanic children. actually, my entire school is predominately african american. i am one of five white teachers in the whole building. this being said, i always a get a few comments about my skin color every year from the kids...usually something like, "your skin looks like spilt milk."(a kid really said this to me one year.) five year olds are very observant, but when it comes to race they don't see things as black and white as we do. mostly, they don't care. they take people for who they are...as we all should. i remember my dad saying to me as a kid..."i don't care what color people are: white, black, purple, yellow...anyone can act stupid." (true.) he also helped me to be well versed in the language of sarcasm, to deal with these stupid people. (well done, dad.) 

today, i started my discussion on MLK by explaining that at one time, black people and white people were not allowed to do the same things together...such as; go to the same school, use the same bathrooms, or drink from the same water fountains. i swear to you...the looks on their five year old faces were priceless. i might as well told them that i was an alien from mars and i had come to take them back to my planet. they were dumbfounded...completely shocked really, and then the questions started. one child raised his hand, "soooo you mean to tell me that YOU wouldn't be our TEACHER?!...that is TERRIBLE." i stated that they would've had a black teacher, not a white one. (gasps all around.) another child said, "and so we wouldn't even be able to eat at the same restaurants?" i said, "nope, we would have to eat at separate restaurants." to which he said, "but we all EAT food? why couldn't everyone just EAT together?" (good point.) and so what it came down to was, children as young as FIVE know that this is completely absurd and wrong...but at one time, many (many) adults did not. (interesting...)

i read a story to the kids called, 'martin's big words.' the story explains about his life and it also includes that he was murdered for his movement on equality. a child raised his hand and said, "so let me get this straight...martin wanted everyone to LOVE each other and someone SHOT him for that? (shaking his head) that makes no SENSE." (out of the mouths of babes.) i then read them part of his "i have a dream..." speech and had them draw a picture about what their dream was. we talked about a "dream" as something they really, really wanted to happen. (as opposed to something they think about when they are asleep.) as i was going through them, i called each child back to my desk to explain what their "dream" was, and i was laughing to myself the whole time. here are a few of my favorites:

I have a dream...that I could fly like a butterfly.

I have a dream...corndogs would fall out of the sky.

I have a dream...I could have a pet lizard.

and so in closing, there is so much that we can learn from children. things such as enjoying the simple things in life. laughing until your belly hurts if something is funny, and not being afraid to cry if something upsets you. being thirsty for knowledge, curious about everything, and embracing every chance to learn. taking risks without fear of failure. forgiving people that hurt you or make you mad. and most importantly, judging people for who they are...and not what they are. although i spent my morning teaching my students about dr. martin luther king, jr, they spend the majority of their days teaching me what life is really all about: love, laughter...and lizards.

yokozuna

over the past couple of weeks, butch has been laughing his ass off because he taught ella to do the "banzai drop." apparently it was a move of yokozuna, a "famous" wrestler...and by famous, i mean fake. (WWF, style.) the move involves ella standing high on top of our couch and then dropping her tush onto the pillows, butt first. it's basically a butt drop from a high place. so anyway, butch thinks this move is great and so does ella who laughs her head off when she does it. however, last night, it wasn't so funny. (well, at least not to butch anyways...) he was laying in ella's room on the floor, talking to his mom on the phone when yokozuna herself (complete in a sumo diaper) got up on the sofa in her bedroom and banzai dropped...right onto butch's nutsack. he didn't even see it coming, which made it so much worse. i was in the bathroom across the hall, giving carrie a bath...when i heard a girlish scream and "ohhhh elllaaaa nonononono. WHY did you DO that!?" i grabbed carrie out of the tub and ran over, yokozuna was sitting on the floor stunned and her father was curled into the fetal position holding his man parts. i said, "what is going on over here!?" he moaned, "she did the banzai drop...on my BALLS!" (i'm sorry, but that is awesome.) well that was it for me, i had a small seizure...he was not laughing, at all. actually, i think i saw tears. (pansy.)

ellazuna

shortly after the ball smash, both kids went to bed (yay bedtime.) soon after, i passed out...and then woke up to carrie squawking at 12:16am. i let her go for a while, but then when she really started wigging (and i feared she'd wake up the other one..) i went and got her and fed her a bottle. normally, i can put her back in her crib and she goes back to sleep. not last night. last night she thought it was an awesome time to "hang out" with me. (not cool, girlfriend.) all smiles, talking her baby talk...for about an hour. even though she doesn't use a binky, i gave her one to chew on (teething maybe?) and at one point she lost the pacifier. i was feeling around blindly in the bed for it and i thought i had it...then i heard, "whyyyy hellloooooo!" out of my husband. i didn't grab the binky, it was his...PENIS. (jesus h. christ.) he then said, "that was not a binky." (yes, i'm aware.) he started snort laughing. carrie was still smiling. (holy hell...everyone just go to sleep.) she finally fell back to sleep around 2am...and then so graciously woke me up about 4:45. (so to be clear, i've been up since about 4:45am after not sleeping well all night. i feel awesome.) meanwhile, she fell back to sleep in the carseat on the way to the sitters at 6:30, while i headed to work to deal with more crazy children. (is it wrong to kinda hate a baby? because i kinda did.) when she was in her carseat prior to leaving, she was kinda pissed off (tired, of course) and crabby...making a pissed off baby noise. i was in the kitchen making my breakfast and butch was 'saying goodbye' to her. when i walked around the corner after he left...i found her like this. apparently he thought every toy within arms reach would make her stop squawking.

on the way to work, i heard "don't stop believing" ala journey on the radio. i cranked it, and for a minute, i WAS that small town girl livin' in a lonely world....except of smellin' of wine and cheap perfume, i was smelling of coffee and baby spit up. (oy.) my brother called me in the early AM and we had a chat, i love that it is perfectly acceptable (as adults) to call each other at like 6:30 in the morning just to "talk." i wearily said, "hello." when i picked up the phone and he yelled, "TOP O' THE MORNIN' TO YA!!!!" (easy bro.) moreover, the children at school today were reminiscent of caged animals...due to indoor recess and the rain the past 3 days. (somedays, i feel that i work at a zoo rather than a school.) they are completely bonkers. (as am i.) tonight was one of my weekly nights that i get to go to the gym. (fist pound.) and i although i was looking forward to working out, i almost skipped it altogether to go home and take a nap. (glad i didn't.) when i got home, yokozuna and her sister were playing out in the living room, probably plotting their next scam. butch exclaimed, "the snow hammer is coming down, baby!" as i walked into the kitchen. (he's obsessed with the weather on a daily basis and sent me multiple emails today regarding it.) we are due to get some snow tomorrow in MD (FINALLLLYYYY. if it is going to be winter give me some snow, damnit.) and i am crossing my fingers, toes, and wearing my pj's inside out...hoping for a 2 hour delay or a snow day. (yes, i am a grown adult and still get just as excited for a snow day as a kid.) i have decided to encourage my husband to do the same in regards to the pj's, or hell, just wear some...so that i don't mistake his penis for a pacifier two nights in a row.

birdy

i am in need of a beach, a cold beverage, and a good book...in that order. (holy hell.) yesterday i set off the fire alarm while i was cooking dinner, carrie wacked herself in the head with a toy piano (and screamed), and ella told me she was going to "fly away, like birdy" because i didn't get her ketchup fast enough. this all happened in a 10 minute span of time. i assured ella that someone in the house was going to "fly away, like birdy" and it wasn't going to be her. butch works later on mondays and tuesdays, so when i get home from working an 8 hour day...i have sole responsibility for the kids, making dinner, and doing the other 32 hundred things that need to be done on a daily basis around this house. i think i know why mothers go crazy...because there is so much CRAP to do. all. the. freakin.' time. (end rant.)

anyway, i just joined a gym (too cold/dark after work to run outside), but the only weeknights i can go are wednesdays and thursdays. also, even though it's 2 hours out of the WHOLE WEEK to myself...i still feel guilty. (makes no sense.) i know other mothers must feel the same way, so that's why i'm sharing. last sunday, i even made dinners for wednesday and thursday night so that butch can just put them in the oven. granted, one of them is a frozen pizza (ha!)...but still. as soon as i got home at 4:30, i was immediately feeding carrie her dinner, making sure ella didn't wrap the dog in an ace bandage (that really happened), and consoling my husband because he said he was "really behind" at work.

holy friggen christ...pour this girl some wine. (or not.) ok...so that's the other thing. maybe i feel like a wacko also because i stopped drinking during the week. (gasp!) i set a goal for myself about a month ago, that i would like to wear a bikini this summer...rather than my patented tankini. (anyone that knows me just spit out their drink.) my ass isn't excessively large or anything, but it certainly does not belong in a bikini. after having two children, shit does not go back in the right places. (shit is everywhere.) anyway, i set this goal...so i'm trying to attain it and i feel it's within reach. if i succeed, i'll share. if i don't, you know i'll share that too. however, my box of wine a week habit was not helping my cause...so it had to go. am i saying i am not going to drink at ALL during the week? hell no. but am i going to plow through a box and a six pack? um, no...because i'll be dustin' off that tankini as fast as you can say ass fat. sidebar: fen told me to do some youtube AB exercises and i'd be good to go. (one of the many reasons she is my friend.)

meanwhile, butch decided to do a coupla things for himself lately. they are as follows: 1. grow a beard (a big one.) 2. wear long johns around the house. (all the time.) i'm not quite certain why or how these things came about...but they are happening. he was dressed in head to toe gray the other day. shirt, pants, shoes, socks...all gray. i must've given him a look and he just said, "what?" i said, "you got alotta gray going on there." he replied, "50 shades, baby!!" (and then proceeded to laugh hysterically...i just shook my head.) i love you warren, but you are a far cry from christian grey. also, i read the trilogy and at no point does mr. grey turn into a long john wearing lumberjack. (dear god.)

and so, it's only hump day and this weekend can't come fast enough. another weekend of no plans. (that'll make 2 in a row!) i never thought i would look forward to weekends without plans, but i find that these days it is much more relaxing (and i can actually get done the 32 hundred things i have to). i won't be flying away like a birdy anytime soon, but taking wine out of the daily equation sure isn't helping matters. i have so much more respect for my own mother (and every other mother), now that i am one. it's really hard...but totally worth it. and so, i raise my (water) glass to all of my mommy friends tonight, for i know your struggle and feel your pain. if you are not trying to get your ass into a bikini this summer...please have a glass of wine (or five) for me.

pork

although i do not share my husband's love of coupons, i do love saving money as much as the next guy. however, i believe there are certain things that one should not use a coupon for...like meat. yesterday i opened up the fridge and pulled out a pork roast, because fen and male cheerleader extraordinaire are having a party and that's what she asked me to bring. i make this crock pot pulled pork quite often and it's really simple and really good. (pork recipe) and so, the kids were upstairs napping, as was coupon bob. the pork was still in the grocery bag and i whipped it out...as i did, i was was punched in the nose by the most appalling odor i've ever experienced. now truth be told, i have a pretty strong stomach...i don't get queasy often. however, when that rotten pork sucker punched me...i proceeded to gag, and then turn and vomit violently in the kitchen sink. (happy new year!)

after i cleaned up the mess (jesus), i immediately marched up stairs and woke up butch with, "YO, WHAT THE HELL! THE MEAT YOU GOT WAS ROTTEN! I JUST PUKED IN THE SINK!" he popped straight up and stared at me like i was naked and had grown a third breast, he squeaked (still half asleep), "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!" "the pork (gagged as i said it) butch, remember the pork?" he said, "oh...NO WAY!?" (yes, way...you asshat.) now when we were at the grocery store the other day with our two carts and two kids, he sauntered away and said, "i'll get the meat." (ok, big boy...you do that.) when we met back up, i do remember that he was pretty jubilant about the meat...but i kinda block out his money saving schemes most of the time, because they happen so often and one thing is more ridiculous than the next. (ie/ the time he got free maxi pads and polident.) anyway, he said something about it only being $9 but i didn't look at the price...or the roast, and he just threw it in the cart.

later upon inspection (and another coupla gags) i realized that sell by date was still good, but the meat was green and as stated before, smelled like the mix between a horses asshole and burnt hair, served with a side of shit patties. (effing terrible) the price on the label was $8.49 for a 4lb roast...however, i went out to the car to look at the receipt, and we only paid $6.49 for this smelly slab of sow. he stated he must've had a pull off coupon for "an extra $2 off." (for the love of everything holy....) i thought about taking the meat back to the store... but decided to just throw it away and go to a different store to replace it. (the thought of toting that thing around in my car repulsed me, ya know...with the puke reaction and all.) i went to another store, to get another roast (without a godamn coupon) and called fen on the way there to tell her what had happened. i also asked her to look up the recipe i use, so that when i stopped by her place (to get my laundry) i could just grab it and go.

you are probably wondering why i do my laundry at fen's house...it's because i have a stackable washer and dryer (due to space constraints) and if i get "behind" (hell, i'm always behind) on laundry it takes me about 238 loads to catch up. my washer holds like 1 towel,  a pair of jeans, a shirt, and 1 sock. (i'm not exaggerating, it's really small.) i have to do like a load a day to stay on top of it. anyways, i went over earlier in the day to put some in the washer and the navy corpsman (who held my hair back while i puked the day before veterans day) was in the shower...so i yelled to let him know i was there. i didn't want him to saunter out of the bathroom with his man parts blazin' and have an awkward situation on my hands. (corpsman cock show...hooyah.)

when i went back over to fen's to check my laundry and get the recipe, he was out of the shower (and now fully clothed) in the hallway. i zipped in the door, blew by the hallway...as fen popped around a corner like a ghost on halloween. we scared each other, and we both screamed (like really loud)...which it turn made the corpsman also scream (loudly). fen's home turned into a real live haunted house for a moment...except instead of goblins, it was filled with a bunch of idiots. afterwards, we all laughed hysterically and as the corpsman emerged from the hallway he said, "what the hell is wrong with you two, you scared the hell outta me!" (a lot. a lot is wrong with us...but i am very glad you are wearing pants.)

i told them how i had just vomited in my sink due to a rotten roast, as i was writing down the recipe for the non rotten roast i had just bought at full price, for $15.66. i came home and as i sat down to type this, butch popped into the living room (with a plastic container of muffins) and said, "my god these muffins have fuzz on them...WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE!?" "i'll tell you what's going on...COUPONS for perishable food is going on...muffins and meat should not be on the coupon list, butch. NEVER!"he just shrugged his shoulders and turned his back to me and started walking out of the room. i went on..."i just vomited. in our own kitchen sink. due to a piece of moldy meat. that you bought. with a coupon. NO MORE." i could see from behind that his shoulders started going up and down, and i knew he was laughing his ass off...and then he couldn't contain himself and loudly started laughing. (not funny jerk.)

so anyways, as 2012 came to close...i was having a serious conversation with my husband about the importance of not buying foods that rot, with a coupon. (par for the course in 2012) today we will be joining fen and friends to eat the pulled pork that caused all of this nonsense in the first place. i believe that 2013 is going to be a great year. hope it's the same for all of you. keep laughing and for the love of everything holy...please always buy your perishable food (such as pork) at full price. cheers to a new year.