parenting

i'm going to write a book entitled, "shit the other parenting books don't tell you"...and i'm going to fill it with all of the experiences that i've had thus far as a parent, that i certainly didn't read about in any parenting book or magazine. for example, the "nudie" phase. i remember last summer that ella went through the nudie phase and she was nude...like a lot. swimming? nude. coloring? nude. eating ice cream? sure why not. i think every picture taken last summer was one of her in the buff. or how about the "self mutilation" phase? i remember i was standing in the kitchen and she asked me for some goldfish. (she was about one and a half.) i told her she could have some after she ate some of her lunch...and then she proceeded to punch herself in the face. (i never heard of this, so i was seriously concerned.) then, i come to find out...toddlers can "act out" in this way. (who knew?!...wasn't in anything i ever read.)

one from the nudie phase archives.

how about the fact that they are going to consume literally all of your time for the first couple years of their life? how about that you will never sleep the same way again? how about you will worry all the time about their well being? how about that they can be an incredible pain in the ass!? no one ever talks about this shit. but it's true! now listen, i'm not saying that my children aren't the very best thing that have ever happened to me. i'd lay down on the tracks for either of them if i had to...but this does not take away the fact that all of these other (not so pretty) things are not also true. i think you have a picture of what your life is going to be like with kids...but what you have in your head, and what actually happens are two totally different things. (june cleaver vs. psycho betty) and from the outside...maybe to people without children, it may not look that scary...hell, most times, it may look like i have my shit together (most times i said) but really, you feel like a chicken with your head cut off most days, and you may have one foot on the border of crazy town most weeks...but that becomes the new normal, and you learn to live in a different way.

i'm super cute...but i will rock your world.

so this brings me to another "phase" that would take up it's own chapter in my book. the "potty training" phase. one night this week, ella was splashin' around in the tub and i was a stones throw away in my bedroom folding laundry. (the chubby baby and hairy husband were downstairs.) ella was singing a song in the tub...it went like this, "i'm singin' my song, i'm singin' my song, i'm singin' my song..." (you get it. the lyrics were quite elaborate.) all of a sudden she stopped and said, "oh, my toot in the tub. bubbles. my funny." (my = i) she laughed like a crazy fool and then went back to "singin' her song'. a few minutes later...another toot, more bubbles, more laughter. this went on until i heard silence...and then a shriek of, 'ahhhhhHHHHHHHH get it OUTTTTTTTT!!!!!" i ran into that bathroom like my hair was on fire and she was losing. her. everloving. mind. crying and pointing and saying, "GETTT ITT OUTTT MOMMMYYYY!!!" i said, "get WHAT out ella! get what OUT!?" (i grabbed her, soaking wet out of the tub.) she was hysterical...and then said pointing, "MY POOOOOOP!!!" sure enough...i looked down to see 3 boats, a rubber ducky, and a turd. (for the love of...) i told her to calm down, explained that it was okay...and she was going to sit on the potty. (and i was going to get a vat of wine after this episode was over.)

now at this point, she was still losing her mind. i have no idea why she was acting as if her piece of shit was a goddamn shark... i was so confused. (a shit shark?) so now she's sitting on the potty...i'm kneeling in front of her and she is screaming in my face, "myyyy POOOOPPPP in the tubbbbbb!!!" i said, "honey, it's okay...it was an accident. there are worse things than poop in the tub." (like me having to clean it out of the tub.) "take a deep breath." (and i will not take a deep breath, cause you stink kid.)  so here i am...kneeling on the bathroom floor, soaking wet, holding my toddler on the toilet while she takes a dump...and right over my shoulder is a brown floater bobbing next to her boats. (stuff they do not tell you in the books. exhibit f.) i went to bed that night still laughing about the shit shark and thinking about what a great story it is going to be to tell her when she is a teenager. (in front of a boy she likes, of course...cause payback is a bastard.)

this morning, ella was sauntering around our house wearing my grandmother's pearls saying that she is a princess. her exact words were, "my am a 'frincess." repeated 47 times. (dear god.) butch just got back from a trip to target because he is back on the coupon campaign and needed free dog food and discounted formula. also, the snowbeard is in full effect and we got out early yesterday...as maryland "braced itself" for a whole half inch of snow. carrie is smiling at me from the bouncy seat, plotting her next poop, i'm sure. and i am sipping my coffee, wondering what the next chapter of my parenting book will be. i'm sure something equally as ridiculous as shit sharks and constant nudity. i've learned over the past couple of years with my kids that it is best just to go with the flow, live in the moment, and take it one day at a time. as soon as you figure something new out about your parenting endeavours, your kids will throw a monkey wrench into the plot. (every. time.) whether i am scooping a turd out of the tub with a bucket, or watching my kid sucker punch herself in the face...i try to enjoy every moment and laugh a lot along the way. (life is too short not to.) also, june cleaver's got nothing on me. psycho betty...over and out.