pork

although i do not share my husband's love of coupons, i do love saving money as much as the next guy. however, i believe there are certain things that one should not use a coupon for...like meat. yesterday i opened up the fridge and pulled out a pork roast, because fen and male cheerleader extraordinaire are having a party and that's what she asked me to bring. i make this crock pot pulled pork quite often and it's really simple and really good. (pork recipe) and so, the kids were upstairs napping, as was coupon bob. the pork was still in the grocery bag and i whipped it out...as i did, i was was punched in the nose by the most appalling odor i've ever experienced. now truth be told, i have a pretty strong stomach...i don't get queasy often. however, when that rotten pork sucker punched me...i proceeded to gag, and then turn and vomit violently in the kitchen sink. (happy new year!)

after i cleaned up the mess (jesus), i immediately marched up stairs and woke up butch with, "YO, WHAT THE HELL! THE MEAT YOU GOT WAS ROTTEN! I JUST PUKED IN THE SINK!" he popped straight up and stared at me like i was naked and had grown a third breast, he squeaked (still half asleep), "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!" "the pork (gagged as i said it) butch, remember the pork?" he said, "oh...NO WAY!?" (yes, way...you asshat.) now when we were at the grocery store the other day with our two carts and two kids, he sauntered away and said, "i'll get the meat." (ok, big boy...you do that.) when we met back up, i do remember that he was pretty jubilant about the meat...but i kinda block out his money saving schemes most of the time, because they happen so often and one thing is more ridiculous than the next. (ie/ the time he got free maxi pads and polident.) anyway, he said something about it only being $9 but i didn't look at the price...or the roast, and he just threw it in the cart.

later upon inspection (and another coupla gags) i realized that sell by date was still good, but the meat was green and as stated before, smelled like the mix between a horses asshole and burnt hair, served with a side of shit patties. (effing terrible) the price on the label was $8.49 for a 4lb roast...however, i went out to the car to look at the receipt, and we only paid $6.49 for this smelly slab of sow. he stated he must've had a pull off coupon for "an extra $2 off." (for the love of everything holy....) i thought about taking the meat back to the store... but decided to just throw it away and go to a different store to replace it. (the thought of toting that thing around in my car repulsed me, ya know...with the puke reaction and all.) i went to another store, to get another roast (without a godamn coupon) and called fen on the way there to tell her what had happened. i also asked her to look up the recipe i use, so that when i stopped by her place (to get my laundry) i could just grab it and go.

you are probably wondering why i do my laundry at fen's house...it's because i have a stackable washer and dryer (due to space constraints) and if i get "behind" (hell, i'm always behind) on laundry it takes me about 238 loads to catch up. my washer holds like 1 towel,  a pair of jeans, a shirt, and 1 sock. (i'm not exaggerating, it's really small.) i have to do like a load a day to stay on top of it. anyways, i went over earlier in the day to put some in the washer and the navy corpsman (who held my hair back while i puked the day before veterans day) was in the shower...so i yelled to let him know i was there. i didn't want him to saunter out of the bathroom with his man parts blazin' and have an awkward situation on my hands. (corpsman cock show...hooyah.)

when i went back over to fen's to check my laundry and get the recipe, he was out of the shower (and now fully clothed) in the hallway. i zipped in the door, blew by the hallway...as fen popped around a corner like a ghost on halloween. we scared each other, and we both screamed (like really loud)...which it turn made the corpsman also scream (loudly). fen's home turned into a real live haunted house for a moment...except instead of goblins, it was filled with a bunch of idiots. afterwards, we all laughed hysterically and as the corpsman emerged from the hallway he said, "what the hell is wrong with you two, you scared the hell outta me!" (a lot. a lot is wrong with us...but i am very glad you are wearing pants.)

i told them how i had just vomited in my sink due to a rotten roast, as i was writing down the recipe for the non rotten roast i had just bought at full price, for $15.66. i came home and as i sat down to type this, butch popped into the living room (with a plastic container of muffins) and said, "my god these muffins have fuzz on them...WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE!?" "i'll tell you what's going on...COUPONS for perishable food is going on...muffins and meat should not be on the coupon list, butch. NEVER!"he just shrugged his shoulders and turned his back to me and started walking out of the room. i went on..."i just vomited. in our own kitchen sink. due to a piece of moldy meat. that you bought. with a coupon. NO MORE." i could see from behind that his shoulders started going up and down, and i knew he was laughing his ass off...and then he couldn't contain himself and loudly started laughing. (not funny jerk.)

so anyways, as 2012 came to close...i was having a serious conversation with my husband about the importance of not buying foods that rot, with a coupon. (par for the course in 2012) today we will be joining fen and friends to eat the pulled pork that caused all of this nonsense in the first place. i believe that 2013 is going to be a great year. hope it's the same for all of you. keep laughing and for the love of everything holy...please always buy your perishable food (such as pork) at full price. cheers to a new year.