so let me preface this by saying that when my kids were babies and toddlers, i had a TON of material to write about. not to say our lives are boring at this point, but they are much more...quiet. at the ripe old age of nine and eleven, my children are pretty self sufficient. however, we are now entering into the land of hormones...and hilarious conversations. in january, my first born started her MONTHLY CYCLE as my mother likes to call it. explaining what was happening to her was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be. i gave her the cliff's notes version and kept the lines of communication open by telling her if she had any questions at all she could ask me. my best friend (we will call her fen) helped her to put an app on her phone to help track it. she came to me with a few questions, but nothing crazy. well let's fast forward to THE PRESENT and a few months have passed, we are currently on the same schedule. (look out, butch.) BUT, i digress, yesterday i decided to explain this phenomenon to my second born because she couldn't understand why her sister couldn't swim the last couple of days. THAT is where the hilarity comes in.
my younger child was splashing around solo in the pool and i casually walked up to her and said, 'i know you have been upset that your sister can't swim, so i want to tell you why.' she looked slightly scared, as if i was going to say she was allergic to water or something and their summer was ruined. still, i went on...'well, she has her period, do you know what that is?' she looked puzzled and said, 'the thing at the end of a SENTENCE?!' (off to a stellar start here.) i laughed and said, 'not that type of period...but when you start to grow up and get older your body starts changing and once a month you bleed.' her eyes literally almost popped right out of her face, 'BLEED FROM WHERE?! where is she BLEEDING FROM?' (dear lord.) i said, 'her vagina.' thank god we were alone in the backyard because she then yelped, 'WHERE IS THE VAGINA?!' (prayers, please.) now listen, i have been pretty open and honest with my kids about their bodies and stuff, but my second born is seriously a different breed. you tell her something and she pretends to listen, but really she is thinking about rainbows and unicorns in that little head of hers.
i pointed and said, 'DOWN THERE!' she then said (visibly blown mind-enter emoji), 'wait a minute...i know you have a hole to pee from and one to poop from, but you are telling me now that there is another hole down there?! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THERE ARE THREE HOLES?!' i was sipping water and it literally exploded out of my mouth and partially out of my nose. in that moment i wished it was a white claw or something stronger because i couldn't fathom how telling one kid about this was easy as pie, and then this other one is A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. (a whole different book.) in the meantime, my first born came sauntering out in the lawn and her sister stared at her HORRIFIED, like she was a character in a scary film. then the dog trotted out behind her and she said, 'WAIT, DO DOGS GET THEIR PERIOD'S TOO?!" i then had an legitimate outer body experience and somehow went into detail about the uterus and some other technical terms like i was teaching a health class. (holy hell.) she kind of wandered around the next hour biting her nails, and i could actually see the wheels turning and interacting with the rainbows and unicorns i talked about earlier. (at this point, i did crack a white claw.)
my husband then was puttering around the backyard putting up lights and stuff, pretending not to listen as she rattled on about how she, 'cannot believe this'...and asking other random stuff like if she will have to wear a DIAPER when this happens to her. but about a month ago, the dog got into a box of pads upstairs (he chews everything) and came running downstairs with one stuck to his HEAD. (that really happened.) i said, 'remember when jack had that thing stuck to his head a while ago? that was a pad, you have to wear those, not diapers'. at this point i slowly turned around as butch emerged from the shed....wearing NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. he gave me a thumbs up... and the three of us died laughing. he kept them on and wanted nothing to do with our conversation. (i don't blame him, it was a doozy.) so as we enter these years of unchartered waters, i really don't know what awaits us. i've heard teenage girls can be scary, so that might be fun wave to ride. although i've settled into motherhood over the last ten years, it continues to throw me curveballs. this curveball was in the form of a white claw worthy conversation in a chapter that i will never forget. period.
