quotes

so a lot fun things happened in kindergarten in september...it's always the month where we are all getting to know one another. i've already posted a lot of the good ones, like the kid who told me her dad shits up the car and then locks the windows, and the 5 year old who said he wants to grow up to be a ninja warrior. (i wonder what that pays?) their energy and enthusiasm never ceases to amaze me...if i could bottle it, i'd be one very rich woman. here are a few other ones from this month:

"mrs. S...are you scared of werewolves and vampires?"
"yes...are you?"
"yes!! werewolves, vampires...and big dogs. all are REAL scary."
(indeed.)

"i have a wild cat at home...he's, like, real wild. my dad calls him yo-yo, but i don't think that's his real name."

"mrs. S, when there is a storm, my grandma told me the thunder is the devil and his wife fighting...but she also told me that is just a story, so not to tell anyone. but i'm telling you."
(if these people knew half the stuff these kids tell me...aye aye aye.) 

"sometimes when it rains, my dad lets me take my shirt off and run around outside! i like to jump in the puddles, too!!" 
(this dad sounds pretty awesome.)

we read the story the gingerbread man and the kids had to decorate their own gingerbread men on paper. it was playtime when i came across this gem:

i called the artist back to my desk and said, "hey, toots, can you explain your picture?" she said matter of factly, "well, i wanted to make a gingerbread girl...that's why she has long hair, and lips." (and boobs?) so i went on, pointing..."well what are those?" she said, "candies!! the old people decorated her with round candies." (thank god.) kids are great. 

there is a new kindergarten teacher this year at my school, fresh out of college. she has awesome ideas and has been a great addition to our "team." she approached me last week and let me know that she got some movies (we still use VHS!)  from her church. they were all fairy tales, which we had been studying for most of september. i went over on wednesday and asked her if i could grab "the lion and the mouse" to show my kids before dismissal time. i walked back to my classroom, picked up the kids from Art class...and was about to put the movie on when i flipped it over to read the back. this is what i saw:

i decided it would be best that i not show this one, as i never heard of the fairy tale THE ASS AND THE STICK. i put a yellow post it on it that said..."ummmm....???? wonder what the third story is about, sounds very interesting." i sent it back over to her via student. i saw her shortly after dismissal and raised my eyebrows at her... and she immediately started losing her shit laughing and was like, "I DIDN'T KNOW!? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS ON THERE! I DIDN'T LOOK AT IT BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU!" (still laughing and kinda embarrassed.) she then added..."i really think it's about a donkey and a stick, right?" i replied, "yes, i don't believe that there is a fairy tale about a stick up someone's ass...at least i didn't learn about that one in elementary school." funny stuff. 

"the human race has only one effective weapon, and that is laughter." -mark twain

off

alright, so um...today i decided to take the day off of work, to get done the 238 things on my "to do" list. i also decided to take the kids to the sitter (something i never do when i am off), so that i could knock out as much of the list as i could. warren left for work around 6:30am. the rest of us were up about 7am. i gave ella breakfast. (grapes and yogurt...not chips.) i fed carrie, dressed them both and we were out the door by 8am. i looked like a hot mess when i dropped the kids off...penn state hoodie, sweatpants, flip flops, glasses on, hair all over my head. (miss kaykay the sitter was staring.) i decided to come back home, get a shower and get crack a lackin on my list...and then i saw my bed. my empty bed, in a quiet house...and i thought, "what the hell! i'll just lay down for 20 minutes before i get a shower...no harm in that!" well...needless to say, i laid down and woke up....THREE HOURS LATER!! (shiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt.) i thought the clock was broken, then i looked at my phone...it was almost noon and i all i could do was laugh. i cannot remember the last time i slept for 3 consecutive hours...let alone for a nap. i guess i should've set an alarm...or 5, because i'm pretty sure a circus could've set up in my bedroom and i wouldn't have woken up. i guess my weekend, and my life...caught up to me.

in an attempt to try to rectify the situation...i ran to the grocery store. (one thing on the list.) i talked to fen, who laughed her head off and she then she said, 'give it up...your day is over.' (yeah...i know.) so this afternoon i blasted country music, poured a glass of wine, and i decided to make...(oven ready) "homemade" lasagna and (boxed) "homemade" brownies. i also sprayed some febreeze around so that it smells like i cleaned. (another thing on the list)

i crossed 2 things out of 238 on my to do list today. the house smells like food and febreeze...butch'll never know i took an accidental 3 hour nap. i won't tell if you don't.

day off to get stuff done...epic fail. (whoopsa. daisy.)

bastard

so last night was my 100th night in a row of interrupted sleep. (yes, interrupted.) i knew that i wanted to include how long it's been since i've slept soundly in this post, so i googled it...and it was exactly 100 nights. (weird.) anyway, 100 nights since the unicorn has graced us with her presence...i have to say, though, that i am on the brink of losing my mind, waking up in the middle of the night (every night) for a feeding. when i lay my head down on the pillow in the evening, i know damn well that in a few hours she will be squawking. now let me say, she is only getting up 1-2 times in a night (from 7pm-6am)...but lord have mercy it's still a pain in the ass. i am solely responsible for this duty, and i guess i've taken it on for many reasons.

obviously, when carrie was first born and a couple months after, butch couldn't help out with this task...because he lacked breasts. now that i'm done with the breastfeeding business, i've adopted this duty afterwards for a few reasons. when we tried to make it a shared effort and it was "his turn" there was no sense of urgency to his movement in the middle of the night. first of all, he wouldn't hear her wake up...so i would hear her, then wake him up. then, he would get up, put on shorts, take a piss, scratch his ass, get a drink, make his side of the bed, feed the dog, check his email....and then go feed her. alright, i'm exaggerating, but it was a long, drawn out affair. by that point, she was screaming her head off and i was awake anyway...defeating the whole purpose of "his turn." when i asked him why it took so long to get to her he said, "jesus, trish! i'm just waking up out of a dead sleep...i need some time!" (men. uh, ok...i'll just do it.) and so i've done it...every night for 100 nights. (well, 99 actually, because i was away for one night in PA.) recently butch said, "if i was the only one responsible for waking up with a kid every night to feed it, it would be one skinny little bastard." (i can't make this shit up.)

so anyway, truth be told...i'm tired. tired as hell. all the time. however, i do think your body gets used to not ever getting a full nights rest, so you run on auto pilot most of the time. i will say, though, that if i don't have my morning coffee...i feel like i can't function. my motor skills just. don't. work. thank the lord for god's sweet brown caffeine nectar. i wish i could pump that shit straight into my veins in the morning. (i know i'm not the only one...so don't judge me, people.) anyway, after my cuppa joe on the way to work i start to feel semi-human...enough to be a productive member of society at least. i usually hit a slump around 2pm, when i charge up with a diet coke...and then plow through until about 9pm. yes, by 9pm i am usually crawling into bed, ready to fall asleep (and wake up in the middle of the night) and do it all again. i know that technically i signed up with this by having kids in the first place and i know it won't be like this for long, but it still sucks! when people say, "believe me...you will miss this!" i want to punch them in the jugular.

however, maybe i will miss this?...motherhood is like that, it blindsides you with stupid emotional feelings that don't make sense half of the time. i wake up (if you can even say that) most mornings feeling like an axe murderer, but then ella will smile and tell me she loves me and just like that... i'm back in the game. carrie giggled yesterday morning for the first time, and i realized again what an awesome adventure motherhood is. it truly the little things. also, thank god these little people are so darn cute. the big guy in the sky surely did that on purpose, he knew what the hell he was doing. this all being said, i will not miss the lack of sleep tonight...my friend fen and i are heading to the beach for the day and evening. (one of my most favorite places.) butch is leaving next weekend (all weekend) for a bachelor party, (if you haven't read bachelor, you should.) and i decided that a night away is well deserved, and much needed. i got a text at 7:30am from fen that stated, "omg i just backed over chris's mailbox." (excellent.) chris is her boyfriend. butch then got a text from chris an hour later that said, "guess who backed over my mailbox?"he included this picture:

fen was supposed to drive to the beach. needless to say, i'm pretty sure it's safer if i take the wheel. we leave today around noon and i can't. friggen. wait. i was feeding carrie upstairs before i came downstairs this morning, and i walked into the living room to see ella watching cartoons and eating a massive bowl of CHIPS for breakfast. i said, "who gave you chips for breakfast!?" she smirked and said, "um, daddy did." (he heard me and was laughing his ass off in the kitchen.) while making coffee, he then said, "i really hope you enjoy your vacation!"(sarcasm is the language of love in our household.) i said, "oh, i will. and it's one night, so just relax." he then said, "men are not cut out for this shit trish! men are not born and bred to take care of children...you don't need to go away to know that i appreciate you. i'll tell you everyday that i appreciate everything i do, if you don't go away like this!" (omg. easy drama queen.) so, i'm ready to hit the road for the second night out of 100 nights...to actually have some time for myself. i'm pumped. (butch, not so much.) if it means my oldest eats chips for breakfast, then so be it. however...i do hope that carrie is not a skinny little bastard when i get home.

lifetime

so i'm at home today with two sick kids. luckily, they aren't really that unpleasant. basically, they just are congested and didn't sleep well last night. carrie is snorting like a piglet, and ella has a faucet for a nose. last night when i laid them both down to bed at 8pm, i had no idea what the night would entail. at about 8:30pm, i heard ella crying and went in to see what was wrong. apparently she had post nasal drip and coupled with the crying...she proceeded to throw up on me. (a direct shot that went down my cleavage...joy.) there is nothing more humbling than another human being throwing up on you, even if it is your own kid. butch ran up the steps when he heard the crying and found us both in the bathroom covered in vomit. startled he said loudly, "what happened!?" i bit my tongue, but wanted to say..."we did not just get back from a gal pal date at the local watering hole, pal...your kid is sick."we cleaned up and then i put her in our bed and laid down with her...just as carrie started crying in the monitor. at that moment, i had the thought, "i quit." you know those lifetime movies where the mother runs off into the sunset and leaves behind her husband and beautiful children and everyone says, "but she loved her kids...she would never do something like that!" yeah, i love my kids too...but my neighbor's motorcycle was looking good at that moment, and so was the sunset.

at one point, i think around midnight (i had lost all sense of time by that point), we decided it would be best if we would divide and conquer...butch kept ella in our bed and i went over to sleep on the futon that was in carrie's room with her.  i really don't know how single mothers and fathers do this shit by themselves. i bust butch's chops (a lot), but he really does help when needed. i could hear ella sporadically throughout the night crying and carrie was doing the same in her room. (poor gals.) i woke up between crying jags and stumbled to the bathroom...only to discover that my monthly friend had arrived. (sweet baby jesus...could this night get any worse?!) i like when people say "god has a sense of humor"...because last night i'm pretty sure he was laughing his ass off. as i was digging under the sink for feminine hygiene products (i found what i needed, but if i didn't...lord knows i'd be set with maxi pads from the latest couponing adventure) i heard ella whimpering, "mommy! lay! me!"...so i ended up back in our bed and woke butch to go lay over with the piglet. (stuff they never tell you in the parenting books...a game of musical beds is totally normal in the middle of the night.)

at 5:30 i heard the alarms go off...and i seriously contemplated offing myself. in fact, i texted my coworkers and told them that i had been up all night and i was calling the substitute, but i would be there later for back to school night. i also told them that i was thinking of offing myself...they both thought that was hilarious. i was thinking...laugh away you chipper chickens (i'm the old hen, at age 30), someday you'll understand my pain when you have kids of your own. there was no way i could go into school and teach a gaggle of five year olds. my speech was slurred and i couldn't even speak in full sentences. kids of that age can smell weakness, they would've had me tied up with yarn and covered me in elmers glue by the end of the day. meanwhile, ella was sitting next to me in bed saying, "mommy! downstairs! georgie!" (ie/ mommy lets go downstairs and watch curious george) i said, "ella, mommy needs a minute to wake up and then we will go downstairs." (ie/ if i have to stare at that dumb monkey this early in the morning, the tv might not make it out alive.) she climbed over me, smashing my nose (and left breast) in the process, grabbed my glasses and put them on my face (crooked)...then said, "ok! now! go!"laughing her head off. (i was not laughing...but you probably are.)

butch left for work, looking like he wanted to kill someone...and i headed downstairs. (let the games begin.) i put on 'georgie' for ella, plopped the unicorn in the bouncy seat and walked into the half bath...and what to my wandering eyes should appear amongst the decorative candles?

turns out he could not help himself this sunday. apparently, he had to get the polident. (the FREE polident used for super denture hold) at no point prior to this did he let me know he got it, and i don't often use the downstairs bathroom, so i didn't see it before walking in there this morning. as you can see, the maxi pads from his previous weeks excursion are still up there on the shelf. alas, there are only 3 jumbo packs left...he gave two away to a friend of ours when she came over for college football on saturday. (i am not joking...she took them home packed in her kids' diaper bag.) so here i sit with my morning coffee, typing away...out the window i can see my neighbor's Harley glistening in the sun. it is looking better and better every day. lifetime movie storyline in the making...stay tuned.