lifetime

so i'm at home today with two sick kids. luckily, they aren't really that unpleasant. basically, they just are congested and didn't sleep well last night. carrie is snorting like a piglet, and ella has a faucet for a nose. last night when i laid them both down to bed at 8pm, i had no idea what the night would entail. at about 8:30pm, i heard ella crying and went in to see what was wrong. apparently she had post nasal drip and coupled with the crying...she proceeded to throw up on me. (a direct shot that went down my cleavage...joy.) there is nothing more humbling than another human being throwing up on you, even if it is your own kid. butch ran up the steps when he heard the crying and found us both in the bathroom covered in vomit. startled he said loudly, "what happened!?" i bit my tongue, but wanted to say..."we did not just get back from a gal pal date at the local watering hole, pal...your kid is sick."we cleaned up and then i put her in our bed and laid down with her...just as carrie started crying in the monitor. at that moment, i had the thought, "i quit." you know those lifetime movies where the mother runs off into the sunset and leaves behind her husband and beautiful children and everyone says, "but she loved her kids...she would never do something like that!" yeah, i love my kids too...but my neighbor's motorcycle was looking good at that moment, and so was the sunset.

at one point, i think around midnight (i had lost all sense of time by that point), we decided it would be best if we would divide and conquer...butch kept ella in our bed and i went over to sleep on the futon that was in carrie's room with her.  i really don't know how single mothers and fathers do this shit by themselves. i bust butch's chops (a lot), but he really does help when needed. i could hear ella sporadically throughout the night crying and carrie was doing the same in her room. (poor gals.) i woke up between crying jags and stumbled to the bathroom...only to discover that my monthly friend had arrived. (sweet baby jesus...could this night get any worse?!) i like when people say "god has a sense of humor"...because last night i'm pretty sure he was laughing his ass off. as i was digging under the sink for feminine hygiene products (i found what i needed, but if i didn't...lord knows i'd be set with maxi pads from the latest couponing adventure) i heard ella whimpering, "mommy! lay! me!"...so i ended up back in our bed and woke butch to go lay over with the piglet. (stuff they never tell you in the parenting books...a game of musical beds is totally normal in the middle of the night.)

at 5:30 i heard the alarms go off...and i seriously contemplated offing myself. in fact, i texted my coworkers and told them that i had been up all night and i was calling the substitute, but i would be there later for back to school night. i also told them that i was thinking of offing myself...they both thought that was hilarious. i was thinking...laugh away you chipper chickens (i'm the old hen, at age 30), someday you'll understand my pain when you have kids of your own. there was no way i could go into school and teach a gaggle of five year olds. my speech was slurred and i couldn't even speak in full sentences. kids of that age can smell weakness, they would've had me tied up with yarn and covered me in elmers glue by the end of the day. meanwhile, ella was sitting next to me in bed saying, "mommy! downstairs! georgie!" (ie/ mommy lets go downstairs and watch curious george) i said, "ella, mommy needs a minute to wake up and then we will go downstairs." (ie/ if i have to stare at that dumb monkey this early in the morning, the tv might not make it out alive.) she climbed over me, smashing my nose (and left breast) in the process, grabbed my glasses and put them on my face (crooked)...then said, "ok! now! go!"laughing her head off. (i was not laughing...but you probably are.)

butch left for work, looking like he wanted to kill someone...and i headed downstairs. (let the games begin.) i put on 'georgie' for ella, plopped the unicorn in the bouncy seat and walked into the half bath...and what to my wandering eyes should appear amongst the decorative candles?

turns out he could not help himself this sunday. apparently, he had to get the polident. (the FREE polident used for super denture hold) at no point prior to this did he let me know he got it, and i don't often use the downstairs bathroom, so i didn't see it before walking in there this morning. as you can see, the maxi pads from his previous weeks excursion are still up there on the shelf. alas, there are only 3 jumbo packs left...he gave two away to a friend of ours when she came over for college football on saturday. (i am not joking...she took them home packed in her kids' diaper bag.) so here i sit with my morning coffee, typing away...out the window i can see my neighbor's Harley glistening in the sun. it is looking better and better every day. lifetime movie storyline in the making...stay tuned.