alright, so i lie. i did have a care in the world...i knew that i was going to miss my kids. (a lot.) i was going to miss being away from them for just one night. (bat shit crazy i tell you.) in fact, in the car on the way up there, the friend i was carpooling with and i only really talked about our kids. what our 2 and a half hour conversation boiled down to was....that we love our kids unconditionally, but goddamnit they are a lot of work. the time and energy that it takes to care for these offspring is unreal. and i don't really know what i did with all of my time before having children. i often think what exactly did i do with all of my spare time!? i got home yesterday and hung out with my parents, got a pedicure with my mom, took a leisurely nap, showered, and got ready to go out. all the while not worrying about anybody but myself. (it. was. glorious.) if you are reading this and you don't have children, let me tell you to savor each moment you have to yourself before you choose to procreate...because once you bear offspring, you can't even take a shit without someone banging down the goddamn door. (if you are reading this and you have children, you know exactly what i'm talking about.)
so after getting ready, i went out to dinner with my parents and one of my brothers. i forgot how peaceful it is to go out to eat without a toddler flinging spaghetti at your head. we could actually talk to each other! (imagine that.) we finished up, headed to the bar and i had one goal in mind at this point. (get. hammered.) i haven't had this goal in mind in forever, but let's call a spade a spade...i wanted to get hopped up and make some bad decisions. i wanted to forget that i was a mother for a hot minute. i wanted to forget my name for a night and act like a fool. let's just say that i met the goal and far exceeded my own expectations. (acting like a fool included.) i had such a great time with such great people. these people make me laugh...and i'm pretty sure that i make them laugh as well. (or at least i did last night when i gracefully spilled my drink all over the bar accidentally and then begged the bartender not to 'yell' at me.) i also fell asleep facedown and was escorted out to the car (by my mother) who then locked me in there to sleep in the parking lot until they were ready to leave. (classy.) i was home for a friend's 30th birthday party, but i'm pretty sure that i thought it was my birthday. i rode the hot mess express...and i did it well.
alright...so i forgot what it's like to travel with only a duffel bag, i forgot what it's like to have lotsa spare time, i forgot what it's like to go to dinner without a toddler, and i forgot what it's like to get sauced up and act like a fool. i also forgot what it's like to have a hangover. (holy shit.) i woke up dressed in a backwards shirt, no pants, my dangly earrings from the night before...and my head. was. throbbing. my body is programmed to wake up at 6am, so there i was laying there at that time, awake...talking to jesus and asking him to end the pain. i felt like total ass. apparently i didn't have the motor skills to take out my contacts, so my eyes were pasted shut and my mouth tasted like an ashtray. (i allegedly smoked a few cigarettes, and i don't smoke. ever.) i also didn't remember a good portion of the evening, so i had that scared/awkward feeling that you get when you aren't sure how much of an idiot you acted like the night before. i stumbled out into the kitchen a few hours later and tried to get myself together. i was just getting my bearings straight when i got a text from butch. it included this picture:
the message said, "i got free pads and they paid me a dollar for the razor." yes, those are maxi pads. 5 bags of maxi pads. 5 bags of free maxi pads...and i don't use maxi pads. actually, i don't think i've used maxi pads since i was about 13 years old. i let him know this in a text back, and he stated, "maybe we can sell them on craigslist! they were free!" (jesus.) i was just getting over laughing at the first text when he sent another one stating that he could've gotten free polident, but he thought i would oppose. yes, polident....for dentures. (ohmygod.) so here i am severely hungover having a serious conversation about free maxipads and polident with my husband on a sunday morning. back to life...back to reality for this girl. afterwards, i walked out on the back porch and sat down in the sun, enjoying my last moments of quiet before the ride back to my circus of a real life.
and so, here i sit back in maryland, writing about my enjoyable alone time in pennsylvania. carrie is smiling at me from the bouncy seat, ella is dumping goldfish crackers on the floor and smashing them into the carpet, butch is scratching his balls in his underwear, mickey mouse is serenading us from the tv...and i'm actually (seriously) happy to be home. since walking in the door, i did two loads of laundry, made dinner, bathed the kids, packed the bags for the sitter tomorrow...and put away five bags of maxi pads that i will never use. life. is. good.
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