calm

i received a wedding gift this past week. i got married in two thousand EIGHT...and i received a wedding gift just this past week. i'll give you one guess who it was from. yes, you are correct...my maid of honor, fen. she blew through the door last thursday night with a bottle of wine tucked under her arm, in true fen fashion. after a small discussion, we decided that one small bottle of wine would not be enough...so she went around the corner to her house to grab another. (go big or go home.) in the meantime, i opened the card that she brought for me. (and then died laughing.) you see, back in 2008 she did attempt to get us a wedding gift. she bought us a vine at a local (PA) winery and we were supposed to receive a bottle of wine from that vine each year. (nice, right?) well i got the paper work, sent it in...and then 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012 passed with not so much as one lousy grape from that goddamn vine. she kept asking me about it, and i kept telling her that no, i did not receive anything at all. so anyway, it took her a YEAR to get a refund...and when i opened our second wedding card from her on thursday night, out fluttered a personal check. my best friend cut me a check for my wedding that was almost 5 years ago. (typical fen.)

so the next morning, upon waking up...ella was still in her crib and i was getting clothes out of her drawer to pack for the sitter. i held up a shirt and said, "is this okay?" she said (i'm not lying), "um...i dunno. i'm getting married today." oh okay then....WHAT?! i said, "you are?! to who?" she matter of factly told me, "to alec." (a little boy at her daycare.) i told her that had i known she was getting married today, i would've worn a fancy dress. she said, "no....ME. i wear a fancy dress. not you." (alright then.) 6am friday morning before work, i'm having a discussion about my daughter's wedding with her. (she's two.) in the car, she also told me that she would like some "beach music" to listen to on the radio. kenny chesney was singing to us, and she was smiling in the back seat. (parenting win.) when we got to the sitter, i told her that i'm sorry i have to miss it but ella and alec would be united in holy matrimony right there in her house on that fine friday. she said not to worry about it, she would take some pictures and send them to me. (ha!) where does this kid come up with this stuff...seriously. i guess i should just endorse fen's check over to her. (congratulations, ella.)

so onto saturday morning, in the wake of her honeymoon...she was wearing a ballerina dress and asking butch (who was still in bed) to paint her nails. he moaned, "ella, it's too early to be painting nails." she asked him why, no less than 34 times. i was brushing my teeth in the bathroom laughing. the amount of estrogen in our house is a bit overwhelming at times. i don't know if i've mentioned this in other stories, but butch has said that at some point he is going to get a male bulldog (with big balls) and name him snots. just so he's not the only male in the house. (yesss.) he was sitting across from me on the couch, wearing a t-shirt that says, "i'm not fat. i'm cultivating mass."(very sexy.) carrie somehow found a box of tampons and is playing with them on the floor. they were scattered all around her. like lincoln logs ala vagina. (totally normal.) 234 toys, but a box of tampons is much more inviting. (wtf.) butch looked up and saw this and just said..."what the...!?!?" (yeah, i don't know.)

sunday morning we were heading out of town, which means we need to fit the entire contents of our house into our SUV. i swear to you, doesn't matter if we are going for a night...or a week. for any trip, our car is JAM packed with loads and loads of shit. by the time we finally started driving, we didn't even want to go. (exhausting.) anyway, we left at normal nap time in hopes that both children would sleep. (yeah, okay.) neither of them did, but neither were a pain in the ass either. as we arrived at my brothers, butch unloaded the car and the kids started exploring his (non baby proofed) house. (hazards galore.) my parents were also coming to the party, and decided to take the kids back to their place for the night after the picnic. (works for me!) most of the people that came to the party, are people that have just gotten married (more recently than 2008) and do not yet have children. people (like the ones aforementioned) always think our kids are so cute. (and they are.) but they are cute for a reason...so we don't wanna hurt them when they drive us nuts. the cuteness is like the cherry on a crazy sundae. don't let their looks fool you.

one of my favorite pics from this weekend.

as we waved at my parents leaving, i did an internal dance of joy. no responsibilities for one evening. (puuummmppped.) apparently it was this mentality that prompted me to start shoveling pieces of fruit soaked in tequila down my throat...and also this mentality that prompted me to wash it all down with lotsa beer. i've mentioned before that liquor and i broke up years ago...for good reason. however, last night when i did a little tango with jose...he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear and i couldn't resist. anyway, i woke up about 6am amongst a room full of boxes and other random stuff. i did not have one stitch of clothing on, nor a blanket covering me. i sat up (startled), rubbed my (contacts still in) eyes, and looked over to see warren who was also stark naked. (oh, good.) it didn't take long to put two and two together here...baby number three brought to you by mr. cuervo, folks. (good lord.) i shook him and said, "YO, what HAPPENED!?" he gasped, then moaned...then farted. (jesus christ.) my mouth tasted like a horses asshole and i felt like i could've drank an entire pool and it wouldn't have quenched my thirst. i tried to get my bearings together...along with my undergarments.

i stumbled downstairs (in search of a pool to drink) and saw my brother. he looked dead. like actually dead. i went over to see if he was still breathing. i shook him and said, "how are you feeling?" he moaned, "i'm at about a 4." (yikes.) then he tried to sit up, laid back down, and said, "no, make that a 2." (oy.) we are no longer 21. we are getting old as shit and still sometimes have the mentality that we just became legal drinkers. (fail.) shortly after this, we left my brother to his misery and climbed in the car and headed up to bumbletucky to get our kids. i somehow took some round about way, so an hour and 15 minute drive turned into almost 2 hours. 2 hours in the car with my husband, who i am quite certain was still legally lit...and he was talking incessantly. (just random babble.) my head was throbbing. at one point, i just said, "please be quiet. i can't take any more. just be quiet." he laughed his ass off. i assured him i was being serious. he thought this was even funnier. veering off into oncoming traffic was looking quite inviting...i then told him this as well. more hyena laughter. (get me outta this car.)

even though it was just one night...i missed my kids. although i had an awesome time last night, i woke up and just wanted to see them. they make me certifiably nuts, but i can't imagine one second without them in my life. (however, i needed to remind myself this several times over in the car ride back to maryland.) we loaded up the car (again), jam packed it with crap...and hit the gas. butch still looked a little foggy, so i drove. he also stated that he didn't think he could legally operate a vehicle just yet. (get it together, sally.) we left at nap time (again), thinking they would sleep. (nope.) i'm trying to block a lot of the painful trip out of my memory, but at one point...butch and i had switched driving responsibilities and i was in the backseat. carrie decided that it would be an awesome time to take a dump. can you imagine sitting on a hard surface and trying to take a shit? yeah, me neither. she was trying really hard, and was also constipated...she started screaming. so butch pulled off of some exit. (as he mumbled something about this being the worst day of his life.) i got carrie out and held her...but she wouldn't go. put her in the seat, more screams. (out of the seat, in the seat. repeat a couple more times.) still no poop. we decided to drive on.

she screamed for a good 5 miles and then she finally went...and i then pulled her out of the seat and changed her crappy diaper while juggling her on my lap in the backseat. (things they don't tell you in the parenting books number 233.) ella was asking 43 questions and yelling about the smell of her sister's creation. butch was gagging. i started laughing at that point. (what else could i do?) upon arriving home, we discovered the dog had puked on our rug. as butch was down on all fours cleaning it up, he yelled to me, "you KNOW...the thing is, we really did this to ourselves." i said, "did what to ourselves?" he said, "THIS! all of THIS!" (easy there.) "we didn't need to get a dog, we didn't need to have kids! we did this to OURSELVES. this pain is SELF inflicted!" (yes, you are correct.) as i laid both children down tonight for an early bedtime, i breathed a sigh of relief. (barely) made it through another day. if it wasn't for laughter, i seriously don't think i would make it some days. also, the next three days...i am doing a juice cleanse. so stay tuned for that nonsense. i'll need a lotta laughter to get me through the next 72 hours. i very well may lose my mind with no caffeine and no...FOOD. (fun.) as always, i take it one day at a time. remember to keep calm and carry on...and don't shovel tequila soaked fruit in your face. (duly noted.)