classy

sometimes i put hot sauce on my food...just so i don't have to share with my 2 year old. (no, i'm not joking.) i swear to you, doesn't matter what i'm eating...could be a turd covered in burnt hair, she will want a bite of it. hell, it could be the exact same thing she has on her plate, and she will say, "um, tan i try somea dat?" pointing to my plate. (identical to what is on her plate.) and so, i just started adding some tabasco and telling it would burn her little tongue. she lays off, because she doesn't like "ficey" stuff. sometimes i just. don't. wanna. share. (that is all.) and i can't be the only mother that feels this way. speaking of food...i kinda sucked goat balls this past month, as predicted. the first week i was off on spring break (hometown comfort food & beverages), the second week i celebrated my birthday (the whole week), the third week i broke my toe and could barely walk (let alone run), and the fourth week is when i finally got my shit into gear. i feel like i wasted a month...but oh well. (live and learn.) one friday night, butch and i went out to dinner and we were eating an awesome appetizer of bang bang shrimp. (whaddup bonefish grill.) i looked at him over my wine glass as he was shoveling them into his esophagus and he said (between chews), "umm..so...it's this PALEO?" i replied without missing a beat, "more like WHALEO." he was laughing so bad he nearly choked, i kid you not. fried shrimp soaked in a mayo cream sauce is not paleo...but awesome try. i also followed through with my life plan of having some dessert. ordered some, took a couple bites and they passed it to my garbage disposal of a guy. after that meal, i felt like a total piece of garbage...even the next day i wasn't feeling great. bang bang and bon bons were not a good choice.  so anyway, the first three weeks i didn't gain any weight...but i certainly didn't lose any either. two sunday's ago, i got back on the paleo wagon and cut out all processed foods, alcohol during the week, and got rid of the garbage. by last weekend, i was feeling much better and also down some more poundage. one thing i did bank on when i started this bikini quest...was losing weight. one thing i did not bank on...was buying new clothes. i have clothes circa 1999. i hardly ever spend money on myself...and now that i have kids, i rarely treat myself to anything. hell, i went into target a coupla weeks ago with a gift card for $25 and instead of getting a new pair of sandals i wanted...i walked out with an economy size box of diapers and a new outfit for carrie. (no joke.) the next day, my coworker talked me into going back and getting the sandals...which i did. (and then immediately felt guilty.) anyway, i have bite the bullet at this point and get myself some new digs...the ones circa 1999 are falling off of me and i look like a homeless person. (get it together.) a coupla nights ago, i was laying in bed...butch was on his laptop. and i don't know how to put this in a ladylike way, but my ass REEKED. all the protein in paleo does a number on my system. anyway, i was trying to be discreet about it...and he kept blaming the dog. (works for me.) so finally (after he couldn't take it anymore), he yelled, "goddamnit PENELOPE, get OUTTA HERE!!!" (i was still pretending to sleep.) penelope (who was under our bed) crawled out, walked around to my side of the bed, sat down, and STARED at me. as if to say, you better effing own that shit. (penelope was pissed.) well, that's when i started losing it. (convulsing and laughing hysterically.) my own dog was calling me out. butch said, "so it WAS you!? my god, trish." (still laughing.) he went on, "who cares how good you look in a bikini...if you smell like THAT?!" (still laying there losing it.) "go buy a goddamn bikini and WIPE YOUR ASS WITH IT." (i had a seizure at this point...for about 5 minutes.) i could not. stop. laughing. i still laugh everytime i think about him saying it. and so, although i didn't really want to share about my gastrointestinal problems...i hope you laughed as well. (good lord.) and so, end of month four here. down 20 pounds from the start. (pretty awesome.) down another pants size as well. definitely stronger and in probably the best shape i've been in, in a very long time. also just going to throw out there that fen and i housed almost an entire pizza late last night and i feel like total ass today. however, today's a new day. a new day to deter my 2 year old with hot sauce. a new day to get back on the paleo wagon. a new day to look like a homeless person. a new day to blame the dog for my awful ass. a new day. warren has not lost one pound and wants you all to know that he is very happy about his decision to stay pleasantly plump.  (whaleo.) he came home last night after work with a pizza in one hand and a case of pabst blue ribbon in the other. ('merica.) and so, on to month five...and hopefully a 2 piece suit in june. stay classy, bitches...i know i will.