blood

so yesterday around noon a package arrived on our front porch and warren informed me that it was "a roof rack for his jeep." since we have said "no" to the minivan, when we travel our SUV looks something like a clown car. it's jam packed to the gills with all the stuff we need to take with us...including two kids and a dog. every square inch is utilized and i usually have some type of bag on my lap, under my feet, and inserted in my ass. forget trying to see out the back window out of caution, cause that's not happening either (completely packed). so anyway, he bought this roof rack to strap all our shit and shenanigans to the top of the car. i immediately had visions of our luggage flying all over northbound route 83 as i watched. i literally would not be surprised if a bungie cord snapped and this happened...cause stuff like that happens in our lives often. as my husband pulled all the pieces out of the big box and laid them across our living room, our offspring got to work playing with the magical piece of cardboard. they pretended it was a car, a boat, a coffin...and then began fighting over the plastic stuff (trash) that was inside. they were running like hell around the house screaming about who got more. about a bazillion toys in the house...but let's play with trash (par for the course). my parents, who were coming into town, happened to arrive in the middle of this show.

when they came in the house, parts of the roof rack were all over the floor and there were screws and metal everywhere. the kids were still running and screaming and letting their imaginations run wild with the trash slash box, as my mom and dad looked on. my dad then (shaking his head) disappeared upstairs to the guest room for an afternoon nap, my mom and i decided to take the kids for some frozen yogurt to get them out of the house (and end the screaming). after about an hour in on this project, butch was exasperated..and he was also like missing parts he needed and stuff. so we exited the premises and hopped on over to sweet frog. for some reason, the whole of my town had the same idea and the place was packed. we all made our sundaes and sat down. after a few seconds my phone rang. it was warren. the conversation went as follows. him: uh...you better come home right now. me: huh? him: i accidentally punched myself in the face...i'm bleeding everywhere. me: what?! him: OUR HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A CRIME SCENE YOU BETTER COME HOME RIGHT NOW. me: *head back, unable to breathe, in an ugly laugh with the phone away from my head so he can't hear* him: *hangs up* so my mom is sitting there staring at me and i said (barely able to speak), "so butch just punched himself in the face and we have to go home..." she jumps up, grabs the girls' coats, and rushes out to the car. although i was hoping he was okay, i kept laughing to myself thinking about him sucker punching...himself.

when we arrived back home, my dad was up from his nap...mopping up blood on our hardwood floor. i still hadn't laid eyes on warren, but there was blood on the porch, the couch, and my father was hard at work getting rid of any evidence with some pine sol and hot water. i said, "what the hell happened!?" to which my father started laughing hysterically and could not get his shit together. i said, "who punches themselves in the FACE!?" butch was in the kitchen looking bewildered as i walked around the corner. he had blood up to his elbows, the sink was filled with blood, paper towels stuffed up his nose, blood spatter on the dishwasher, the cabinets...the house really did look like a crime scene. so he then explained what happened...a story that involved a hammer, a screwdriver, and his own fist slipping and smashing into his own nose. when we established he was okay, i started cleaning up the blood that was all over the place. meanwhile, my dad is standing nearby gagging and telling me i missed some near the trashcan. my mom started a friendly game of monopoly with the girls...like this sort of thing is normal and happens all the time. both my parents asked butch if he was on blood thinners because of the magnitude of it all over the place. i replied that i gave birth two times and didn't see that much blood. so after a shower and a trip to the local bar, he seemed back to normal. he kept recapping his moe, larry, curly episode out loud, which would make all of us laugh all over again. laughter keeps us going around here, cause without it we would be lost. remind me of that when our luggage is in full flight all over northbound 83 as i look on. pretty sure i'll be the one punching myself in the face at that point. on purpose.