beaver

my adventure started yesterday when after three hours of driving...i got lost in bumbletucky. (cue banjo music.) when i say that this place was backwoods, i am not using that term loosely. it's back. woods. i grew up in a very small town, but this place makes my hometown look like a major metropolis. it's nothing but mountains,  fields, and farms. so of course, when i got lost...i didn't have cell phone service. i finally happened upon a little gas station and pulled in. there were only two pumps, and both were occupied by two 4 wheelers. (nice.) i went inside and asked the girl behind the counter if she knew where fernwood road was. she replied, "umm...well what's it near?" (it's near nothing.) i said, "i have no idea what it's near. can i use your phone?" she said, "well is it a long distance call? cause we don't have long distance calling." i told her that i didn't think it was. i called my friend (on her house phone) and she replied, "look out the window into the field, ya see that dirt road? take it until you get to the covered bridge, then make a right." over the river and through the woods...literally.

shortly after i got there, we took her kids to her mom's house so that they could spend the night. (better off no children are involved in our shenanigans.) her whole family lives within a 5 mile radius of each other. when we were pulling down the dirt road (another one) to leave, we both saw a flash of black... and then realized it was a BEAR. there was a bear, that jumped into a tree right next to the road. (a goddamn bear.) she hit the brakes and jumped out of the car. (meanwhile, i put up my window and locked the door.) she was snapping pictures and shit and i could think of was the bear leaping out of the tree, onto the top of the car and mauling both of us. (hey, it could happen.) she found it amusing that i was scared of a WILD animal. she laughed, "it's just a BEAR." listen, sister...it's not effing teddy ruxpin,  he has teeth and claws and shit. we aren't at the friggen zoo...we are in the woods. let's GO.

the bear. 

after seeing a live version of yogi, we went to the local VFW for dinner. i don't know if you have ever been to one of these places...but they are awesome. first off, you have to be a "member" (ie/ pay $20 a YEAR for dues, you get a key to get in, their food and beer is dirt cheap (and good), and there is an eclectic mix of people there as well. there is no waitress, so we had to write what we wanted for dinner on a notepad and give it to the bartender. (yes.) a couple of her friends showed up and we were all laughing and yammering on like nancy's...and then they started buying shots. (bad news.) my friend was celebrating her 31st birthday, and apparently nothing says happy birthday like a buttery nipple. we started to get wound up (it happens.) and then left to attend a bike run, because she knew the guys that were playing in the band. we drove through an orchard to get to the local rod and gun club where this awesome event was taking place. it was 20 bucks, all you can drink...and the majority of the people there had been partaking in beverages since 5 o'clock. (rowdy.) i asked the guy at the check in if he had a harley for me to sit on and snap some pictures. he told me to "find boggs. he'll let you do it." (boggs.)

we bypassed all the bikers (and boggs?) and all went straight to the dance floor. i will say right now that i am not a very graceful person, i am quite clumsy actually. moreover, when adult beverages and high heels are involved...all bets are off. as i was pulling out some white girl dance moves i slipped and tripped over myself..and went down flat on my face. (like vertical to horizontal in 3 seconds.) and then i proceeded to lay there. my friend and her husband thought that i knocked myself out. (that coulda been fun.) but really, i was unable to move because i was laughing so bad. three of them helped me up and then wiped all the dirt and beer from the floor off of my arms, legs..and face. so this shoulda been a segue to leaving, but things got so much ridiculous after that. we were walking outside and somehow found boggs. got some pictures on his hog and then i heard someone yell..."wet t-shirt contest!" (uh oh.) then we found out there was a 100 dollar prize. i don't know if it was the beer, the 100 bucks, or the rowdy bikers...but in that moment, i decided it would be best for me to just do it. (carpe diem.)

boggs.

so all the girls (and i) got our white shirts and then proceed to get fired with a super soaker...while standing on a picnic table. (dear god.) meanwhile, my college roommate and her friends are cheering and laughing hysterically. in the midst of all this, i hear one big, bald biker yell..."SHOW US YOUR BEAVER!" (oh my god...my whaaaa??) first of all, i haven't heard a vagina called a beaver in quite some time. i found this to be highly hilarious. after losing it laughing, i proceeded to put up my hand and say, "i can't do that! i'm a kindergarten teacher!!!" well this wound them up even more. needless to say, i won the wet t-shirt contest...and the hundred bucks. (and my beaver stayed in my shorts.) i woke up the next morning on my friend's arm chair...looking like a legit rape victim. (i literally gasped when i looked in the mirror.) then i picked up the phone to call my husband.

now i never know how butch is going to react to my nonsense. he's known me since middle school, so he is not new to the nonsense. (it's been years and years of nonsense.) if he was there with me, he wouldn't give a rats ass if i was in a wet t-shirt contest. however, with his absence i wasn't sure what the verdict would be. he said, "did you have fun?" i replied, "yes. lots...and i won 100 bucks!" he yelled, "HOW?!" i told him. he only had one question..."was that the top prize?" i said yes. "AWESOME!" so instead of being pissed, my highly competitive husband just wanted to know if i got first place. then he added, "hey, that's grocery money for the week...and i just cut some coupons too." (oh good.) the ride back to my real life was brutal. i was fuzzy from the night before and the freeway was daunting. as i was driving, i was thinking about how good it was to see and old friend, about how calling a vagina a beaver is hilarious, about how big that bear was, and about how i can now cross 'participating in a wet t-shirt contest at a biker benefit' off of my bucket list. booyah.