ridiculous

i have started no less than 62 household projects in my first week home from school. butch was still working, so it was me and the kids...and they did stuff, too. ella helped me clean out my closet by wearing a pair of my heels and hiding in a rubbermaid container. carrie helped me vacuum every room, because the noise scares her and i have to hold her while doing it. over the course of the school year, i have to let certain things go in regards to cleaning...it's either let it go, or lose my mind. (i choose the former.) however, housework has definitely taken a backseat since i've had kids as well. my cleaning neurosis has had to calm the hell down, but dirtiness still disgusts me. that show hoarders? i can't even watch. those people are gross. if you are hoarder reading this right now, put down the phone or computer and go clean your damn house. or burn it down and start over. (sick.) one time i flipped it on for a second and one woman was saving the seeds from a rotten pumpkin because she "needed them"....you don't need pumpkin seeds lady, you need help. (end rant.)

so anyway, i've been busy. i don't like to sit still unless i'm on a beach with a beer in one hand and a book in the other. so although i'm hoping that happens sometime this summer, this week it did not. this being said, thursday had to be one of the most ridiculous days ever. it started off at about 5:43 when butch came flying out of the bathroom. (i was still in bed.) he had a razor in his hand and he was holding out in front of him. i rolled over and opened my eyes and he said, "did you, or did you not use this on your vagina." (oh no.) "trish, this was in the shower, not in my bag. so did you use it?" now, i cannot be the only woman who occasionally steals her husband's razor. usually though, i remember to put it back in his dop kit because of incidents such as these. (he. went. off.) i started laughing. hysterically. "YOU don't understand! i use this on my FACE! it's like rubbing your VAGINA all over my FACE." (holy hell.) he was whisper yelling because the kids were still asleep...and he knew damn well that if he woke them up, the razor was going to be the least of his worries. i uttered sorry, rolled over and continued laughing as he lathered his face had no choice but to use the lady part razor.

so he left for work, the kids woke up shortly after that...and then i received a text from fen. we were supposed to have a storm blow into town. (the dreaded derecho.) so fen took extra precautions like putting away her lawn furniture...and wrapping her bed in plastic. this may sound strange to most normal people...but the last time there was a wicked storm, a tree went through her roof and two branches blasted through her bedroom ceiling. i was not shocked when this happened. (at all.) this shit happens to her all the time. and so, with the derecho making it's way up the coast...she chose to be proactive and chose to bubblewrap her bed. her text said, "bring it derecho!" and included this picture.

after coffee, cartoons, and a good laugh about her nonsense...i got crackalackin on my to do list. but first i pulled back the curtains in the living room and saw this.

butch had told me that he "installed" the air conditioning unit the night before. by "install" i didn't realize that he used a roll of duct tape. you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy. i just stared at it for a minute, while shaking my head. i put the curtain back down and moved on. (i had no words.) i went into the bathroom and started cleaning. i pulled everything out and in the very back of the one closet cubby, i found a walgreens bag. i opened it and found this inside.

there was no question in my mind what had happened. warren got these for free with a coupon, knew i would freak out because we don't have any use for them, and hid them in the closet. closet couponer. just like the pumpkin seed lady...he has issues. when i asked him about them after work, he got a little flustered and said, "they were free!" again, i just shook my head...and when i went to throw them in the trash he WIGGED. OUT. so, if anyone needs poligrip or potassium gluconate...i got your back.

so as i'm working in the bathroom, my phone rings. it was my 19 year old brother (who is spending the summer in west virginia with some friends) and he wanted to facetime. i answered even though i was still in my pajamas, glasses on, hair in messy bun on top of my head...and covered in cleaning products. it was about 12:30pm, and when he popped up on the screen...it was evident that he hadn't been out of bed yet. (because he was still in bed.) he talked to carrie and ella for a little while and then he said, "i need to talk to you about something." i never know what is going to come out of this kid's mouth. one thing is more ridiculous than the next. (he did not disappoint.) he said, "sooooo....i'm kinda out of money." (i thought he was going to ask for some. he didn't.) he went on, "so today i'm going to donate some PLASMA." (no words.) i then said,"so you are selling your blood for money?" and then made a face. (a face that said, "have you lost your effing mind?!") he lost it on the other end, like almost dropped the phone because he was laughing so bad. i continued, "so how much do you get for that?" he said, "i dunno....like 20 bucks." i went off, "TWENTY BUCKS!? that's IT!? you are selling your BLOOD for 20 dollars?!" again, he had a hard time getting his shit together...but when he caught his breath he corrected me and said it wasn't his blood, it was just his PLASMA. (cause that makes it better.) when i hung up the phone, i was still shaking my head. (my god.)

this particular day wrapped up when warren walked in the door and i asked him to watch the girls so i could go up and grab a shower. he said two things to me...1. that i was now BANNED (yelled it.) from his razor. and 2. he also needed a shower because he played volleyball at school and if i smelled his ballsack, i would throw up. (his words.) one ridiculous thing after the other. between the plastic and poligrip or the ballsack and blood...if this is any indication of how my summer is going to go, i like it. i've said before that i enjoy nonsense. it seems to find me as well. i live with it. (everyday.) one week down and 7 more to go. bring it summer of twenty thirteen. bring. it.