magical

this is how ella left the house this morning...because she refused to go any other way. i pick my battles these days, and this is one i was not going to fight. (especially at 6am) if you want to go the sitter looking like wonder woman, you rock those panties on the outside of your footie jammies girlfriend...rock on. i always used to see children (mainly toddlers) dressed in ridiculous outfits and think, "how embarrassing!! how COULD those parents ALLOW their CHILD to dress that way!?" you know the ones...a little girl dressed in a pink tutu, snow boots, a turtle neck and a witches hat...or a little boy dressed in sweatpants, a collared shirt, topped off with a superman cape and a pair of sunglasses? (i know you've seen these kids out it public before.) things (such as clothing) become trivial in the grand scheme. this underwear ensemble is due to the beginnings of potty training. ella is at the point where she doesn't want to sit in a wet or shitty diaper...but she still doesn't want to go on the potty. it leads to her peeing or pooping (in a diaper)...and then demanding that she be changed now! (now, now, now!!!) it's lotsa fun. sometimes we catch her in the act...because she will suddenly disappear and create her own game of hide and go shit my pants...we literally find her in another room hiding somewhere pooping, and if we call her out on it she usually exclaims, "DOE AWAY!!!" or "OUTTA HERE!" i usually ask her if she wants to sit on the potty at that point and she acts as if i asked her if she wants to stab dora in the eye with a pencil...'NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" is a typical answer. (it's a real blast.)

prior to captain underpants waking up, my husband muttered, "i have a sore throat"...five little words that mean for the rest of the week i will be taking care of 3 babies, not two. (men are such goddamn sissies.) you know what i wanted to say? "listen pal, i have cramps, i'm bloated, i feel an axe murderer, and oh.....i'm BLEEDING FROM THE VAGINA. tell it to someone who cares!" luckily it didn't fly out of my mouth, but it was close. i just said, "oh yeah...i wasn't feeling great last week either, you'll feel better soon." (i tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice...but i'm telling you, it was quite difficult.) plus, tomorrow is our 4 year wedding anniversary, so i feel like i need to make a valid attempt to be nice. but hell, we already know what we got each other...because we are at the point in our relationship where we have already bought all the "normal" stuff that you get each other on these occasions, so now we just get each other stuff we need. (or think the other person needs.)

he asked me what i wanted and i told him a new pair of running shoes...so naturally, coupon bob went on ebay to get the best deal. looking over the computer one night last week he said, "so how do you feel about "pre owned" shoes....?" (excuse me?) i said, "like USED running shoes? like someone already put their sweaty ass feet in them? how do i feel about them!? i feel like if you get me them for our anniversary i will punch you in the dick. that's how i feel about them!!" he lost his shit laughing...and laughed for about 10 more minutes. (he was doubled over.) then said..."but trish...they are $120 shoes for $16 dollars!!" i screamed, "THEY WERE ON SOMEONE ELSES SWEATY FEET!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" after glaring at him  (he was still laughing), i then asked him what he wanted...he said (and i quote), "dr. scholls insoles for my shoes. that's it. nothing else." (um, okay, mr. rogers.) turns out though on sunday, he had a coupon for them and in turn told me not to get them because he would just get them himself and save some money. (he knew i wouldn't use the damn coupon, i bet.) so i got him a beard trimmer instead. (in preparation of the upcoming winter, and his upcoming snowbeard.) nothing says i love you like a pair of (used) running shoes and a beard trimmer. we are so very romantic.

at the end of the school day i walked over to the other (fresh out of college) teacher's room to deliver some papers that had to go home with the students. on her desk was a dozen long stem red roses in a vase. this is the second time this year that she has gotten flowers from her significant other. the first time, we were planning together after a school one day, and in walked a delivery man. there were three of us sitting around a table. we all looked up and i knew damn well the flowers weren't for me. (flowers aren't my jam...they are expensive, and they die. plus, do you really think butch is going to fork out $50 for something that dies? yea, right. maybe he did that in the beginning when he was trying to get laid...now, not so much.) the other kindergarten teacher my age (who has been married a coupla years) looked expectant....and then the man handed them to the new teacher. she. was. beaming. (and kinda shocked and embarrassed, too.) i made a big deal of it to embarrass her further.."well loooook at you miss fancy pants!!!" and said other stupid shit. so when i saw another set of flowers on her desk today i gasped (loudly) and wondered if she had a magical vagina...and then out of my mouth flew,"gees girl! do you have a magical vagina or what?!" (whoops.) she thought it was funny...thank god. i never want to offend people with my ridiculousness...well, actually, i really don't give a shit. (whoops, again.)

and so, at the end of the day, i realized something...when you are in your early twenties, you can relax while enjoying life...with your magical vagina and long stem roses. then your thirties hit and you suddenly have a husband that wants to buy you used running shoes for your anniversary and a two year old that starts her day with her panties on the outside of her pajamas. i don't know how i got here in life, or exactly how it all happened...but i do know that laughter (and alcohol) has played a large role in my ability to deal. i sit here now with a glass of cabernet and my computer...and all is just as it should be. however, if my husband really did get me the USED running shoes for our anniversary...he better fully expect to have a fist shot to the cock come morning.