tornado

so i was fairly certain there was a tornado outside knocking on our door when i woke butch up last night. all of a sudden, the wind was blowing like hell and i could hear shit flying off of the house and around the neighborhood. i felt like dorothy from the wizard of oz, except instead of ruby slippers...i was wearing a t shirt and nursing bra. i was legitimately scared when i leaned over and loud whispered "butch? butch? BUUUUUTTTCHHHHH???" he sat up like he had been shot in the ass, "WHAT!? OH MY GOD WHAT?!" before i could get one word out he was up out of bed, man parts grotesquely flying around...and he was ready for battle. (did you ever wake your dad up as a kid in the same manner and have him fly out of bed like this (though, hopefully he was wearing underwear)? one time i thought someone was in the house in the middle of the night and my pop flew out of bed, down the steps and had a baseball bat in his hand before i could utter, "burglar". must be a guy thing...) anyway, he was in a chuck norris stance and said, "WHAT'S WRONG!?" i said, "i think there is a tornado outside. listen!" so we got quiet and sure enough there was something scary brewing outside. he looked out the window and said, (now awake and annoyed i woke him up)..."well what the hell do you want me to do about it?!" (let's start by putting some pants on.)

i grabbed carrie out of the bassinet and we went downstairs to turn on the tv. the weather man stated severe thunderstorms, but no tornado, apparently. i was still scared, but here's the thing...as stated before, parenthood will make you bat shit crazy. i'm telling you that if this happened pre-children and it was a normal friday night at midnight...i'd probably be passed out in bed with half a load on. the near tornado wind wouldn't have made me bat an eye, because i'd be blissfully unaware in my coors light slumber. in that moment last night, i truly wasn't concerned for my own safety (or the safety of bedroom bruce lee)...i was concerned for the well being of the two helpless children also living in my house. i was ready to hunker down in the shower with them, in fear of a our roof blowing off. so to be clear...if i didn't have kids i'd be in bed with a beer buzz, scratching my ass through the storm...but with children, i was ready to hide out in a shower stall so that one or both of them wouldn't be sucked up in the funnel of a tornado. even though there was no tornado. (bat. shit. crazy.)

eventually, the storm passed and thankfully we didn't lose power. the mighty oak in our backyard didn't fall through the house like i had anticipated. ella didn't wake up during the storm, either...so that was a good thing. she has been pulling scams since we brought carrie home...and by scams i mean not wanting to go to bed, being incredibly clingy with one or both of us, acting like a looney bird, driving us nuts, etc. i don't blame her though...this new little person is on the scene and she was the one and only for 2 years. i think i'd be pulling scams too. (actually, i did pull scams when my parents brought my brother home in my second year of life...i decided i wasn't going to use the bathroom facilities and it was much cooler to shit on the floor, like a dog. christ, at least ella isn't doing that...) so she didn't wake up during the storm, but around 3:30am she decided to wake up and scream her brains out. (for no apparent reason) even though we have a monitor in our bedroom, butch never, ever hears her. so i started the loud whisper again (because i was in the middle of feeding carrie).."BUTCHHHHHHH???" he jumps up out of bed like a lunatic again, ready for action..."FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT NOW?!" (stifling laughter) 'ella is awake.' so needless to say, she ended up in our bedroom...in our bed, did not go back to sleep, and is currently watching her 37th episode of curious george for the day. (more scams.)

my inlaws are coming to town today for a week, so it only seems appropriate that she not sleep and be in full overtired toddler tantrum mode when they arrive. (joy.) kung fu ken is currently outside cleaning up the backyard. about 4 days ago, he started about 14 "projects" that include but are not limited to: painting our deck, weeding and planting things in the front and back gardens, putting together a crib, painting our shed, and cleaning the siding on the house. the kid is severely ADHD when it comes to home projects...he starts them all, finishes none. yesterday i tried to light a fire under his ass so that at least 3 of his 34 projects got done before his parents got here...and he said, "i'll get them done in my own time." i almost replied, "pretty sure you should take some ritalin and get them done now, slugger." the storm did blow our tiki bar (and a drill and a box of screws) into the baby pool on the back deck. that pretty much is the extent of the damage at our house. so this morning i packed away my ruby slippers and hung up bruce lee's black belt...just another "normal" day of parenting. and although there will be no funnel clouds blowing through our house, i fully expect a toddler tantrum tornado out of ella at approximately 3pm...just in time for the arrival of my in laws. you'll be able to find me quietly hunkered down hiding in a shower stall at that point...alone.