groceries

so we took a 'family' trip to the grocery store today...check that off of the list of things i never want to do again. (holy christ.) usually, my husband (coupon extraordinaire) goes to the store by himself..after many, many hours of preparation and coupon clipping. today, i offered to go by myself. (because going to the quiet grocery store is a mini vacation from my funhouse.) he stated, i haven't been out of the house for 2 days, so why don't we all go. (famous last words.) i fed carrie, while butch wrestled (literally) ella to put clothing on her. these days, she is more naked than not. i've heard from other parents that this is a "phase"...however, i'm not so sure. the kid is obsessed with being nude. if we are inside it's not that much of a battle, but if we go out in the backyard it's all over. toddlers gone wild. she starts pulling on anything that is touching her skin and says, "OFF!! OFF!!" like her clothes are on fire and she will be violently burned to a crisp if she doesn't get them off her body immediately. i pick my battles these days..if she doesn't want to wear clothes, whatever. i can think of worse things. we have gotten accustomed to eating dinner out on the deck with a naked toddler dining along side of us like it's totally normal. (please pass the corn...and try not to notice that our kid is completely naked.)

alright, so carrie is fed, ella is finally dressed..and we head out the door. let me start by saying it is around 100 degrees outside (no exaggeration) at this point. this heat is enough to turn any normal person into a serial killer. i know it's summer, i know it's supposed to be hot...but this hot? really? c'mon. pretty sure mother nature is flipping us the bird. the sun feels like it's just a wee bit too close, making me a wee bit close to losing my mind. we feel trapped in our house during the day. the past two mornings i went running and seriously lost like 5 pounds of sweat...not from the physical exertion, just from the heat. ella insisted on riding in the jogging stroller this morning and was talking to penelope who was running along side of it...she kept repeating "hot, hot, hot..." shaking her head at the dog. she was in the shade, in shorts and a t-shirt and no shoes, slurping ice water out of her sippy cup. meanwhile, i was pushing the stroller having a come to jesus moment going up a hill. it's ungodly hot and this weather is absurd. (enough is enough.)

after blasting the air conditioning so our children wouldn't die when we put them in the car, we loaded up and drove the 2 miles to the grocery store. as we pulled in the grocery store parking lot, i was hoping the whole trip was going to be fast and painless...kinda like pulling off a bandaid. (it wasn't. it was more like pulling duct tape off of every hairy part of your body...slowly.) as we approached the sliding doors, the cart with the big toddler sized car attached to the front of it caught ella's eye. (joy.) butch decides he's going to push ella in that (after she yelled "CAR! CAR! CAR!"several times) and i got regular sized cart to plop carrie in. (awesome..we have now graduated onto having 2 carts. winning!) we walked in with our cart caravan of craziness and i hoped for the best. people were already staring. we went down the first aisle and ella was very serious about 'driving' her car, which was good because butch starting yelling at me for getting the wrong kind of yogurt because it wasn't on sale. we would've saved 6 cents if i went with the other brand. (he was dead serious.) he also said i was going the "wrong way" by starting on the left of the store...he was going to get ice cream (which was in my aisle) and it would surely melt by the time we got all the way to the other side of the store and checked out. the ice cream would not be the only thing having a meltdown if this kept up through the rest of the store.

we made it through 3 aisles and decided to divide and conquer. he would get a couple things, i would get a couple things...and we'd meet back up. i filled the cart with meat, cheese, crackers, bread, pizza, and ice tea. he turned the corner and came walking at me...in the cart he had 4 jars of pickles. four large jars. (that's it.) he also had 4 coupons in his hands, letting me know that we were going to get the 4 jars of pickles for $4 total, and normally they are 3 dollars a piece. i think he wanted to share his joy...it wasn't happening. i love pickles as much as the next guy, but seriously...that's all you could get in the 10 minutes you walked away from me?! pickles?! i decided not to freak out. deep breaths as we turned down the next aisle. usually when i have ella with me, i avoid the candy aisle at all costs. (for good reason.) however, i wanted to get popcorn and almonds and didn't realize they were in the same shelf space until ella pointing and yelling, "POP! POP!" at some lollipops. she hopped out of that cart car faster than you can say sugar buzz. her eyes were huge and she was looking at all of the candy like she won the jackpot. she set her sights on an extra large bag of assorted candies and would not let go. butch said, "no", took it from her kung fu grip, and put it back on the shelf...and then sybil decided this would be an awesome time to throw herself on the floor and act like one of us smacked the shit out of her. she lost. her. mind. screams galore as we walked away towards the next aisle. i went back and picked her up...and she karate chopped me in the throat and tried to do a reverse dive out of my arms onto the tile floor. (if people weren't staring before, they were now.)

somehow, within a few minutes, she got it together...just in time, because i'm pretty sure other grocery store goers had social services already typed into their phones ready to hit send. we hit the produce section and i thought that we were safe. until we saw the bananas. ella loves bananas. obsessed really, with bananas. (pretty sure it's because curious george, her idol, loves bananas.) butch picked some up and put them in the cart, but she let us know that she wanted to eat the bananas. (right then and there) butch walked away as she was saying, "eat! eat! banana! eat!" i calmly tried to explain that we had to pay for the banana first, and then she could gladly eat it. she didn't like this answer and started wailing again. (at this point i was ready to leave my full cart and head outside...aborting the whole mission and heading next door to the local bar.) we went to the checkout line and people were giving us the 'sympathy' glares due to ella's tears. then sybil saw a balloon and was all smiles again. (until we told her she couldn't hold it.) toddlers can be emotional train wreck...if adults acted like them, i'm pretty sure they would be committed to the psych ward. they can't hide their emotions, so it's all just out there...for all the grocery store (and the world) to see. (another thing they don't fill you in on in the parenting books.)

finally time to check out and we turn into the line with 2 carts and a toddler full of broken dreams. (denied candy, bananas, and balloons...poor thing.) and as you know...there was more candy in the checkout line. lots of candy. ella reached over and grabbed 3 butterfingers in one swipe. i decided at this point i couldn't take another meltdown, so i bartered with my 2 year old. you can have one lollipop if you give me those chocolate bars. thank god it worked. she happily licked her lolly until all of the groceries were bagged and in the cart(s). as we climbed back into the car, i turned to butch and he stared at me and just said, "holy shit." (my thoughts exactly.) that is an hour and a half of my life i would much rather get back and do over again. next time i'd like to be alone...with only one cart.