out

i can't remember the last time i was 'out' on a friday night. i'm not talking out to dinner, i'm talking 'out past 10pm drinking a beer at a bar' out. it's been a while. (a long while...i'm talking a year or so.) ella is 2 and i can count on one hand the times we've been out. (my husband on the other hand has been "out" much more than i...another perk of being a guy, i suppose.) i'm not against leaving my kids with babysitters, but during the school year i was so tired on a friday night i didn't feel like going anywhere and on saturday we would spend time with ella, get some dinner somewhere, and then come home and relax. much different than my early to mid-twenties. (that i don't remember much of...) however, my inlaws were in town for the past week and they offered to watch the kids while we (butch, his sister and i) went to the local watering hole. (sold!) carrie is a freak of nature and only gets up once in the middle of the night to eat, so as long as i wasn't shipwrecked mary when i got home i knew i would be fine. after ella went to bed, i got showered, put on a dress, and (holy crap) high heels. i even sprayed perfume on myself. it's not that i don't give a shit how i look anymore...but i don't really don't give a shit how i look anymore. (whoops.) i'm usually playing with a 2 year old or (the past 4 weeks) snuggling with a newborn...i'm pretty sure they don't care what i look like. as for my husband, i always think he doesn't notice what i look like until last night he exclaimed before leaving, "wow! it looks like you actually care about yourself!" (he acts oblivious half the time, so who knows what he's thinking.)

we went to the first location and there was a DJ. we walked right past the laser light show and opted to sit outside by the water, talk, and sip our draft beer. (are we this old?!) people were making goddamn fools of themselves. believe me, i have been out many a time and made a complete ass out of myself due to the consumption of alcohol..i should not be judging these other people, but i can't help it.  for extra laughs, i made the executive decision that we go inside for our last beer and sit amongst DJ crowd. i saw no less than 16 girls ass cheeks, people making out (hardcore) in public, people grinding on he dance floor like they were in heat, a fight, and fist pumping galore. (is this really what i was missing?!) we finished up our brew and went out to the car. (on to the next bar...)

as we walked in, there were nothing but dudes lined up on the bar. (total sausage party) my sister in law and i were the only two females, sort of. (i'll explain the 'sort of' soon..) we bellied up to the bar and butch stood behind us. a guy immediately tapped my sister in law on the shoulder and said, "you don't know what you just walked into, this situation is way messed up...she's a real treat.." and then he pointed to the 'lady' that was sitting next to me and two other boys (that looked too young to be at a bar...or maybe just 21) let me paint a picture for you...the 'lady' was a larger gal but short, shaped like a teapot, or a linebacker. she had short dark black hair, very dark painted on eye liner that was smudged (everywhere), long fake red nails, and jewelry galore. (i think her jewelry had jewelry.) she had a very loud, raspy voice and the two guys next to her (that she was with) were young, attractive (quiet) black guys. the pieces of the puzzle were not fitting together here.  and then she spoke..."heyyyyyyyy peeerrrttyy lady, how are youuuu?" i was not looking at her and she was talking to me. my sister in law elbowed me. (here we go.) i turned and said, "i'm great, how are you doing?" she said, "i'mmm terrrrific..and hungrrrrry." she then proceeded to order a shit ton of food..it was like midnight and this lady ordered one of everything on the bar menu, with enthusiasm. she also had ordered a mixed drink for herself and 2 waters for the boys. she went on to tell me her life story (which people have a tendency to do), this story included a mansion, travels around the world, dead parents, and a woman who she said was squatting in her house with 15 children...i can't make this stuff up. the boys looked uncomfortable, so i waved, smiled, and said hi. i said, "how do you know each other?" (i was dying to know.) she looked me dead in the eye and said, "these kids are my blind side." i said, "excuse me?" she said, "the movie the blind side? did you see it? i'm living it, sweetheart." (oh. my. god.) i didn't even know what to say...but she started giving me a sandra bullock performance, crying, and telling me how much they changed her life. (is this really happening?)

after her academy award performance, she said..."so what does your mom and dad think about that?" i said, "about what?" she said, "about you being married to him?" and nodded in butch's direction. butch was talking to a (much) older man (grey hair, grey beard)... about god knows what. it took me a minute, but i realized she thought that i was married to the old guy. i laughed and said, "i'm not married to pappy back there, i'm married to the other guy." she said, "that guy!? (talking about butch) i thought he was single..he's a FLIRT, a real big FLIRT." up until this point, butch had only been talking to us, and the old guy...so i could not figure out where she was getting the flirt reference. he certainly wasn't flirting with her at any point. (nor was any other dude in the bar.) she then said (loudly), "well...you know what!??! he can flirt with any girl he wants...but you get to take him home and you get to F him."(she didn't say F...she said the word.) my sister in law almost spit out her drink. the blind side boys looked increasingly uncomfortable. she rambled on about some other stuff and then yelled, "F YOU!!! (again, not saying F) GIMME A HUG!!!" and grabbed me hard and hugged me, and held on...tight. (whyyyyy does this shit always happen to me?!) after the "f you, hug me' bit from f'd up sandra bullock, we left the second bar and high tailed it home.

i learned a coupla things last night. 1. i should probably take off the t-shirt and throw a dress on every once in a while, because my husband does notice 2. i like to party as much as the next gal, but my fist pumping days are over and 3. when a lady linebacker yells profanities at you and forces you to hug her...you do it. it'll probably be another couple months until we get out again...and quite frankly, i'm okay with that.