friday night, my husbands college roommate rolled into town, along with his 3 year old. my college roommate and i nicknamed butch and him 'burt and ernie'. the two of them are like their own (weird) comedy act. they crack each other up (usually about things that aren't funny) and feed off of each other's ridiculousness. if you add alcohol into the equation with them, shit goes violently downhill fast. ella was already in bed when they arrived, so his daughter was quietly playing on the floor when we sat down in the living room and cracked open some beers to talk and catch up. mid conversation she stopped playing, stared up at the three of us, and said loudly, "umm, did you ever know jesus?" (i almost spit out my beer.) i said, "what!?" she said, "jesus? do you know him?" i let her know that not only do i know him, but he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear as i was running in the heat the other day. she liked this answer. (i love kids.)
so we all went to bed that night and at about 3am, i got up to feed carrie. mid feeding i heard a rumbling in her rump. (joy.) now normally in the middle of the night, i don't change her diaper (which is usually just wet)...however, upon actually hearing the excrement explosion i now was obligated to change the dirty diaper. i laid her out on my side of the bed, grabbed a diaper and some wipes and got busy. in the middle of swapping the clean for the dirty diaper...she started peeing. all over the bed. (my side of the bed.) i gasped loudly, startling butch who shot out of bed like a clown out of a cannon. he yelled, "what's going on!?!?!" (calm down, bozo...it's just a little urine.) after getting her a clean diaper and a clean onesie...i did what every normal sleep deprived parent would do. i slapped a clean towel down on top of the pee and went back to bed. (stop judging.) do you really think i'm going to go through the pain of changing the entire bedding at 3am with one eye open? (yeah, no.)
saturday morning i woke up (changed the sheets) and i was getting ready to go to a bridal shower for a friend in PA. "getting ready" consisted of getting a 2 minute shower and slapping on some make up. during this 'quiet time' i had a 2 year old repeatedly asking me to brush her teeth while teetering on the stepstool in the bathroom. (brush? brush? brush? brush?) toddlers 'repeat until you get what you want tactic' is a good one...they make you nuts (and usually get what they want.) also, i'm pretty sure ella would brush her teeth from morning until night if allowed...apparently it's a really cool thing to do when you are 2. there was also a 3 year old sitting on the potty staring at me, letting me know what she was peeing and 'maybe' had to poop. (holy cow.) also, at this point i was apprehensive about leaving burt and ernie home with kids, as they are just man children themselves. as i peeked in ella's bedroom to say goodbye, all four of them were in there (2 man children, 2 toddlers). butch was setting up a full sized tent, the kids had every. single. toy. that ella owns out on the floor, and his roommate was wearing a full sized dr. suess hat. (god speed...and my child better be alive when i get home.)
i packed up the unicorn and scrambled out to the car in the pouring down rain. we made our way up the road to pick up my friend fen who was going with us. i haven't seen much of fen lately, we've both been pretty busy...so i was looking forward to chatting in the car and laughing at the recent craziness that was happening in her life. i pulled into her driveway and i saw the front door blow open and her fly out. i was sipping my DD coffee and almost spewed it all over the windshield. why, you ask? here's a visual:
this girl never disappoints...one of the many reasons she is my best friend. "what are you wearing?!?" she could barely speak because she was laughing her ass off at my reaction, but she let me know that it was pouring outside and she didn't want her hair to get wet. (apparently shower caps are in...but umbrella's are soooo last year??) she hopped in the front seat, whipped off the shower cap and proceeded to show me an extra large bruise on her left leg. "i got wacked with a softball." i'm not even surprised by this information. "what happened?" she went on, "well, at my company softball game, i stopped at the base and the second baseman ducked when the ball was coming to her and it smacked into my leg. really hard." (par for the course for fen.) i told her i was surprised it didn't wack her in the head and knock her out. (she let me know that her boyfriend said the exact same thing.)
on our ride, carrie had to eat..so we pulled over and i hopped in the backseat. showercap sally was now driving. she stated that she felt like a cab driver, or the host of cash cab and asked me if she should start asking me trivia questions. i let her know this is not an episode of driving miss breastfeeding daisy, and she should just pay attention to the goddamn road. we arrived a little late to the shower, missing the surprise part of it. however, i was just glad we made it there safely at that point. knowing fen's luck, we'd be in a firey crash because she swerved to miss a cow that got loose on the turnpike or some shit like that. (jesus.)
i'm not quite sure why women partake in the stupidness of a bridal shower. it goes something like this... we all get together, buy gifts for the bride, eat food, drink, and then (my favorite part) watch her open gifts...oo'ing and ahh'ing at each present that is unwrapped. (guys wouldn't be caught dead doing this shit.) and the thing is...we all know it's kind of dumb. well, maybe not all..fen was sitting next to me when the future bride was opening gifts, commenting loudly on each one. "oooooo, towellllssss....they look sofffttttttt" and "oooooooo a clock....so niceeeeee!!!" as i caught her eye over my wine glass, i'm pretty sure she smirked at me. clearly she was trying to get me going...and it was working. after the his and hers griddle set, i wanted to run for the hills. the thing is though, even though we all know it's a semi ridiculous ritual, we won't stop doing it. (long live the towels that are soooooo sooooooffffttt!)
after the presents, we all gathered around for dessert. (not to mention that the three friends i was with (and i) had already scavenged the desserts in the other room hours ago, because we thought we were supposed to...we are so proper.) another bridal shower attendee had a baby with her and i asked her the normal mom questions, how old is he? is he a good sleeper? is he different than your first? she asked me the same things, and i told her in regards to her last question..i was fully prepared to get a hysterectomy after my first child because she was such a challenging baby. her eyes popped out of her head in surprise and a friend that was standing next to me almost dropped her chocolate cake as her body convulsed from laughter. (hey, at least i was being honest!) as the shower wrapped up and we headed back to maryland, i wasn't sure what i was coming home to.
as i pulled into the driveway, i noticed that every window in the front of the house was open and jamacian music was blaring out into the street. (dear lord.) i walked in and asked why the hell the windows were all open?! "it was hot." was the answer i got. (we have central air.) butch's roommate was cooking jamaican jerk chicken on the grill (apparently he needed the music to get in the mood??)...both kids were swimming in the baby pool (naked, of course.), and both guys were shirtless. it was also still raining and everyone was acting like it wasn't. they were all outside. (at least all of them were alive?) later on, the kids went to bed, the guys went out and i indulged in a nice bottle of wine and a chick flick. (fully prepared to unwind from this crazy weekend...) i went to bed around midnight and ella woke up around 4am, crying with a high fever. my incoherent husband was no help, so i got up and snuggled her for a while. in the middle of our snuggle time, butch woke up and sat on the edge of the bed, head down...hands on his knees and (you guessed it) balls hanging out. i didn't know whether he was going to puke or pass out...so i said, gently, "what the eff is wrong with you!?" (whoops.) he mumbled something about penelope. (drunk dog dreams?) i told him to lay the hell back down before he hurt himself. (thankfully, he listened...i didn't need to add sir stumbles into the mix at 4am.)
around 8am, i went downstairs for coffee...leaving him upstairs to wallow in his hangover. (i haven't been hungover in a year, i don't miss that part of drinking at all.) his roommate was up on the couch with his daughter watching tv, and he looked awful. he said good morning and then proceeded to ask me if butch told me about the "arm wrestling incident" from the night before. he was real sketchy about it, but said something about butch challenging a massive individual to an arm wrestling match, the guy's 2 big buddies, and a scuffle that ensued, and then came holyfield himself into the living room...with a fat lip. as the caffeine (and rage) poured into my veins, i could only shake my head. if i would've opened my mouth, it wouldn't have been G rated, and there was a 3 year old in the room. (he should not be allowed out of the house. ever. it's just safer that way.) by 10am, dumb and dumber had both kids naked in the baby pool and they were setting off fireworks in the backyard.
in conclusion...my brother spread his bubonic plague to my toddler (and i), it looks like toys r us threw up all over my house (it's a complete disaster), and my husband has a fat lip from trying to arm wrestle a man much bigger than he at a bar. oh, and the fourth of july is being reinacted in my backyard while i write this. so let me ask you...how was your weekend?! someone please buy me a mimosa. now.
No comments:
Post a Comment