target

so i haven't written much lately about the couponing phenomenon that goes on in my house, and it seems that my husband has dropped the ball a bit with it the past couple of weeks. well, he's back baby. (back. in. action.) almost every sunday morning the charade is usually the same...we wake up and he double leg kicks out of the bed, bends over oh so graciously, sliding on his holey boxer shorts (why do men hold on to these things for so long? they look like rags that i use to clean with and there are pieces and parts hanging out that no human being should have to see in isolation..it's like train wreck, except there is a ball sack involved.) he then states,"i'm going to get the papers, get the papers." (this is a line from the movie goodfellas...from a guy named jimmy two times) this was a college movie favorite and every single sunday morning that he says it...he cracks up after it comes out of his mouth. (i, on the other hand, stopped laughing months ago.) after his movie quote and a chuckle to himself, he puts on some clown outfit that i'm sure he's not going to leave the house in (but always does)... and out the door he goes. (to get the papers, get the papers.) he comes back about 15 minutes later with a stack of sunday papers, loaded with coupons. (we also get a paper delivered to the house) and let me tell you...it's like christmas morning. the kid is pumped. ecstatic really. (it doesn't take much with him...believe me.)

while he is out getting the papers, i usually get out of bed and go to see if the little chipper chicken we call our daughter is awake in her room. (i am more like a disgruntled hen in the morning, so i try to muster as much enthusiasm as i can for this little girl...) i'm usually greeted by, "ohhhh hiiiiii mommmmy!!!" in her loud squawky voice and i mimic back, "ohhhhh hiiii elllaaaa!!!" i get her out of her crib, change her diaper (praying for no poop..that's too much to bear that early in the morning), and downstairs we head for breakfast and cartoons. butch usually saunters in with his prized possessions made of newsprint and plops down in the middle of the living room floor (sitting cross legged)...armed with scissors and a thirst for saving money. i usually brew myself a strong cup of coffee and settle in for the show. (i'm not talking about the cartoons, either.) he gets demanding at this point, and very serious. i usually get the "make me a list" dictation so that he can coordinate my weekly list with his couponing adventure for the day. now, with the exception of dinner, we usually eat the same stuff for breakfast and lunch every week...he should know at least part of the list by heart. when i state this, he gets really irritated and says, "can you please just write it down!?" aye aye captain...i'm on it. after he has my list in hand he is off and running trying to pinch every penny he can. let me just state again that he gets VERY serious. deadly serious. if we distract him in anyway...he usually takes his beloved binder and heads upstairs.

today was that sort of day...ella was saying "daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy..." over and over again, the dog ran through his coupon pile at least twice, and i kept asking him asinine questions to get under his skin. (i know, i'm horrible, but sometimes it's more fun that way...) he got exasperated and went upstairs to the bedroom to do his "work." he was up there about an hour and a half and i walked up, coffee in hand and said..."so do you think ella and i could go to target with you today?...i kinda wanna get out of the house." he got all shifty. last week he told me that ella and i "weigh him down" when we come along (i told him to watch the weight reference, as i'm huge in my 9th month of pregnancy). today i wanted to push the envelope...get him out of his comfort zone. he stared at me..."well, i guess so...but only to target. i'll do the 'other stores' myself." (he usually has 5 or more stores on the docket...including, but not limited to: food lion, giant, cvs, walgreens, and target.) i breezily said, "ok, well i'll get in the shower and get ella dressed and then we can go." his scissors stopped. (ominously) "i'm not ready, trish...i'm not even close to ready." (at this point i didn't want him to pull a scott peterson on me...so i said 'okay, you just let me know when you are ready.' even though i'm thinking..come the hell on, already sally...it's been hourssss.)

finally, at about 10am we get to target. he gets out of the car equipped with a legal sized writing pad, 3 different stacks of coupons, several printouts from 'couponmom.com'...and a pen behind his ear. the whole trip started off pretty uneventful...until he couldn't find the hand soap. apparently hand soap was on sale and he had a coupon, making each bottle .50 cents. he was armed with 4 of these coupons...but we could not find the hand soap aisle anywhere. he was pissed. finally, he flagged down a gentleman in a red shirt and asked him (very irritated) where the hand soap was. there was a palpable sense of relief when he finally found it. meanwhile, i was pushing ella in the cart down the main aisle...trying not to laugh at him. after the soap, we kept going to the food section and i started grabbing things i knew we needed. for example, eggs, bananas....milk. he came up behind me and said, "um, what are you doing?" i said, "shopping." he said, "milk is a whole dollar cheaper at giant. we are not getting that here." (sheesh. alright, coupon nazi...sorrrrryyyyyy!) i put it back. i could see at this point he was starting to sweat...and i'm not using this as a metaphor, he was physically starting to sweat. beads pouring down his forehead. he had a scared look on his face and i could tell something was wrong. i stopped the cart and said, "are you okay?" he looked me dead in the eyeballs and said, "this is not normal protocol, trish, this is not how i do things...we are not going to save any money...this is terrible." it took everything in my being not to burst out laughing. i nodded gravely and said, "well, i'm very relaxed right now, ella is eating goldfish in the cart...you just 'do your thing'." (and i'll write about it later...)

about 20 minutes later, the cart was half full, and he was still looking panic stricken. i was making faces at ella, playing with her...trying to ignore the fact that my husband was on the brink of a coupon meltdown. we then got into the line and ella wanted out of the cart. this sent coupon mom into a tailspin. (i guess the "check out" part is one of the most important in his adventure, because he has to see that everything rings up right and that when the lady in red scans the coupon, the right amount comes off of the total.) ella was ripping m & m's, gummy bears, doritos, nail clippers (anything she could reach, really) off of the display that they have in the check out lane...a 2 year old tornado. this was making. him. nuts. i paused and took it all in. (loving every minute of it.) when we finally got out into the parking garage, he said, "never again. i never want you to go with again...you mess up my couponing flow, and i don't even think we saved any money, and this was a wasted trip." (again, everything in my being to hold it together.) i went to the driver side door and muffled my laughter, while he loaded the car.

on a positive note, during this target trip he decided that it was time to replace the holey boxers i discussed at the beginning of this tale. he came over to the cart and held out a pack of fruit of the looms (5 in the pack) for $15..."do you think this is a good deal?" i said yes. he then thought about it very seriously, but didn't end up buying them...because he didn't have a coupon. looks like it's ball sack train wreck again next weekend...when jimmy two times gets ready to go out and get the papers, get the papers. however, ella and i will not be along on his actual voyage...because god forbid i mess up someone's couponing flow.