dress

so yesterday, fen asked me to go with her to pick out a bridesmaids dress for a friend's upcoming wedding. i don't know WHY women put each other through these ridiculous rituals. dressing each other up in matching gowns to parade down an aisle. (nuts.) now listen, i am a girl...i like doing girly things from time to time, but the place we went to was WACKO. first of all, it was packed with people on this saturday afternoon. packed to the gills with women who were wild for weddings. as soon as we walked in, i was smacked in the face by enough glitter, beading, and tulle to put a princess to shame. every so often, there was a ringing bell and cheers of glee, as ladies "said yes" to their dress. (they actually handed a large bell to the girls and made them ring it.) when it happened for the first time, fen swung around, stared at me and said (loudly), "what the hell?!" (what the hell is correct.) i was not in the best shape, as i had one too many coors lights the night before. i was hungover as hell, bells were ringing, girls were giggling...and i wanted to punch someone in the throat. 

thank god fen had already done her homework online and had three dresses picked out that she wanted to try. (the bride picked the color CLOVER (yes!)...and then let the girls pick their own dresses.) and thank god that the serial numbers she wrote down for the dresses were well labeled and easy to find....NOT. a lady kindly pointed us in the right direction to 4 aisles of dresses that were a miss match of numbers and styles. we couldn't find one of the dresses that fen was looking for. (she started to get a little wound up at this point.) this was then my cue to start wandering around and find the most ridiculous dress that i could. i got it, and as i crossed paths with fen again...she glared at me and said (salty), "what are you doing with that dress?" i could barely hold the thing, it was so huge. i smirked and said, "i'm trying it on." she glared. (she should be used to my antics by now, but she always acts surprised by my ridiculousness.) we pulled 4 random dresses out for her and hit the dressing room. when we emerged the first time, people were staring. i made an african american woman who was about 300 pounds, take our picture. (bells were still ringing...in my head and all around us. joy to the world.)

i was firing pictures to the bride as fen was modeling these frocks. she had finally found "THE" dress, when my phone rang. i answered, and it was the bride. here is a picture of "THE" dress. see how excited she is about it? she loved it.

then the bride said, "ummm...i forgot to tell fen that i don't want the dresses to be SHINY, i want them to be more CHIFFON." oh shit. (i knew this was going to make fen crazy...and i couldn't wait to tell her.) i said (holding back laughter), "she doesn't want the dresses to be shiny..." she spurted out a few choice words that i won't mention...she said these loudly and with force. (bleep bla bleep bleep bleep) so here are all these blushing brides in fabulous, fantasy moods and then i'm standing there with a fiesty foul mouthed fen, bitchy bridesmaid from hell. (awesome.) so we went back into the sea of serial numbers and pulled some more dresses. i was trying to keep her calm at this point, because i knew flapping arms and more expletives were on the tip of her tongue. (we didn't need any more stares then we already had.) she found a style she liked, and i took this picture. can you see the crazy in her face? i sure can. (i laugh every time i look at this picture.)

she ordered the dress in the lovely clover hue and then decided celebratory (sedating) beers were in order...so we stopped for one. now i had left my house immediately at nap time. i laid both girls down at 1 o'clock, walked out the door...and left warren at the wheel. normally, they will sleep til about 4...normally. both of them are not feeling great, and coughing their heads off. carrie woke up about 3, and ella about 3:30. i got multiple texts from butch at like 4pm (when we had just left the bridal shop)...including pictures of ella crying and the last text said, "she just threw up all over me." (holy hell.) when i walked in the door, he had dark circles under his eyes and looked extremely pissed. there was a large wet stain on the couch and he was not wearing a shirt. he said, "these kids are crazy...i feel like it was D day and they were storming the shores of normandy." (ahahah!) "stuff was coming out of everywhere...imploding and exploding like BOMBS. ella PUKED!! carrie POOPED!!" (this all happened in an hour of them being awake and me being gone. one hour.) ironically, he did look like he'd been through a war. (men.)

i didn't sleep much last night, due to the germs flying around our house...and i had an "i quit" mommy moment at about 4am. i actually said, "i quit" outloud...and then i remembered that i can't quit this job. (ever.) the wedding is in a few months, i can't wait to see fen saunter down the aisle in her clover, chiffon frock...and luckily, neither fen nor i punched anyone in the throat during our bridal adventure. however, i kinda wish she would have...and the headlines would've read, "bridesmaid from hell goes apeshit, short sidekick laughs from afar." (would've made for a much more interesting ending.) yeah, well...maybe next time.