uncle

some days i feel like i'm zipping around with a rocket up my ass (even though i'm shaped like a planet), and other days i feel like i'm going to have my own cameo on the show 'my 600 lb life'...today was the latter. i probably could get a spot on that show after i gave birth if i really ate what i wanted to. i get so hungry that i most definitely feel like i could beat kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest, and then i take two bites of food and feel like i'm going to vomit. it's really dumb. all internal organs are compromised at this point...bladder and stomach being the two most affected. i can't eat more than ella at one sitting, and i should be wearing a diaper. i'm like a fat two year old. (stop laughing.) 


along with feeling like a tubby toddler, i also happened to have my thirteenth doctor appointment in the past 9 months today. (only two more to go...pumped.) my uncle (an extremely funny human being) texted me this morning to invite me to go to my cousin's strings concert tonight...he plays the viola. (the last time i went, i was in desperate need of ear plugs and a flask.) i said i couldn't go because i had other plans but i would stop by after my doctor appointment. long story short, he ended up coming to the appointment with me. my uncle has the ability to make me laugh with no more than a look or a raise of his eyebrows, especially in public. we share the same sense of humor and any outing usually turns into one or both of us laughing hysterically. (or spitting whatever we are drinking out of our mouths.) we both act like complete clowns. an OB appointment was probably a bad choice for "shared outing" when it includes the two of us. 


so we get there and they immediately whisk me back to the office and leave him in the waiting room. i ended up getting the strange older nurse for the initial part of my visit. i get her almost every time. she always has on a face like she's smelling something bad, and has a "done it all, seen it all" mentality. (dislike) anyway, she leads me back and asks me if i have anyone along for the appointment. i explained that my uncle was in the waiting room...she gave me a weird look. my uncle and i are only 10 years apart. (i'm 30, he's 40.) he's been more like a friend to me than my 'uncle' and we are actually closer in age than my mom and he are. so she said, 'well you better tell him to come back here and sit by the lab.' so i peek my head out into the waiting room and he was out there looking panic stricken. i told him to come back and he rambled something about not doing this for 10 years and he wasn't sure what to expect. he looked scared. (they are going to rub jelly on my belly and show you a distorted picture of the baby. relax.) i laughed at him. he still looked scared.


he sat down and they took me into the exam room. i didn't realize that along with an ultrasound to see what position the baby was in, they were also doing a culture and internal exam. (they are about as fun as they sound..joy.) so obviously he wasn't going to be in the room for the first part of the exam, just for the ultrasound. along with the strange nurse, i ended up having the strange doctor that also is part of the practice. (double whammy.) when they finally let my uncle into the exam room, we were both sitting there. he started with, "so the one weird lady says to the other weird lady...he can go in now" (he was talking about the nurse and the doctor i had..and i bust out laughing, because they are both in fact, very weird.) now while interacting with just me, the doctor acted annoyed that i had brought someone with me to the appointment...she stated that she was 90% sure the baby was head down and she was just going to do a 'quick scan' with the ultrasound. i stated that my uncle certainly wasn't there for the first part of the exam, and that he had come for the ultrasound. she (almost) rolled her eyes. (whatever doc, you are getting paid like $2347 dollars by my insurance for this appointment...lube up my belly and run that thing over it so he can see the baby for 2 minutes, would that be too much!? at that point, i wanted to punch the vagina doctor directly in the vagina. holy hormones.) 


when my uncle was in the room, it was a totally different story...she was overly nice, sweet as sugar plums and actually the total opposite of what she was with me! (dirty bitch.) the 'quick scan' turned into a full body scan of the baby...pointing out the lips, nose, eyes, heart, back, lungs, elbow, big toe, etc, etc, etc. when we were through...my uncle said he felt like he was a student in medical school during her exam. (she chuckled with her head back...and i almost punched her in the throat.) she even printed out pictures for him to take home! as the cherry on the sundae, she offered me a hand to help me sit up when she was done the ultrasound...a detail she missed after she had done the first part of the exam. (and is just common courtesy for someone that is as pregnant as i.) after the culture and internal exam, i ended up doing the double leg kick, half roll on my side to try to get up the first time. a move i've patented from getting out of bed by myself 50 times in the middle of the night. (it's really graceful.) when she left the room, my mouth dropped open and i looked at my uncle and explained all the differences from the first part of the exam to the second. after laughing his head off, he said, "i'd never have taken her for a dirty bitch..she seemed so nice." i told him i wanted to punch her in the vagina. he laughed some more.


so the conclusion of the whole appointment was that the baby is in fact head down, ready to fire out of me like a clown out of a cannon; even doctors can be two faced (and act like dirty bitches); and i am still as large as a sumo wrestler and probably will be for the next 3 weeks or so. the good news is, i didn't get any calls to appear on 'my 600 LB life'...nor the 'caught on camera' episode where the pregnant lady goes ape shit and punches the doctor in her private parts. (only 20 more days...hang onto your hats, folks.)