career

today was career day at school. a day where the average joe can come in and tell us about what they do for a living. the kids love it. (the teachers? not so much.) these 'guest speakers' try their darndest to explain their jobs to the kids, but it usually ends up an epic fail. the worst ones are the business people who speak over the kids heads, using big words and majorly confusing them. the children end up sitting there looking like codfish, mouths agape, with "what the hell are these people talking about?" looks on their faces. we started our day by making a list of different careers on the chalkboard.  they named the usuals; pilot, teacher, baker, fireman, police officer, photographer...and then one child said, "lawyer." (not usually one i get on the list..) so i said, "does anyone know what a lawyer does?" one little boy raised his hand and said, "takes money from people?" (i don't care who you are...that's funny.)

the first visitor to the classroom was a police officer (loves me a man in uniform) from the DC area...along with none other than McGruff the crime dog. i don't know what it is about people dressed in ridiculous costumes, but it makes children absolutely and utterly lose. their. minds. i mean, the gun and handcuffs hanging off the police officer's belt were enough to send them into a tizzy, but when that 6 foot 5, big-headed, trench coat adorned dog entered the scene...shit got crazy. some were laughing, some where scared, some let out shrieks of joy like they just looked out the window and puppies were falling from the sky. i was sitting at my desk and had just finished my morning coffee, fully unprepared (mentally) for this party of pain. i slowly stood up and walked over to the police officer and shook his hand (i don't know what it is about a uniform, but frankenstein could've shown up in one and i think my heart would've skipped a beat)...and then Mcgruff reached out to give me a hug. (christ, it's too early for this shit...) i hugged the fake canine with as much enthusiasm as i could muster, and he began rubbing his oversized paws all over my back. (dude, i know that there is a real person under there...knock it off.) of course, the kids started cheering. it was 9am and i was hugging an oversized crime fighting dog, while children hooted and hollered. (one question...what were you doing at your job at that time?)

after they entered the scene, it took a good 7 minutes for everyone to calm down and pulses return to normal. (and i'm talking about the kids, not me and my uniform fetish...) officer williams started by asking "does anyone know what i do as a police officer?" one child's hand shoots up, (i always hold my breath, because you never know what is going to come out of their mouths) "well...when people steal stuff from the store, you chase them down." he said, "yes, that's right...and i also keep people safe." a child calls out, "with your gun!?" he asks, "well, what do you think i use my gun for?"  one kid answers, "when people run...you chase them with your gun out..." so i interjected, "so if mrs. s runs, you would need a gun to chase me?" the child looks at me (and my ginormous belly) and says, "um...you wouldn't be very fast, so i could totally catch you, even without a gun." i gave him 'the look'. (very funny, kid.) the police officer laughed his ass off...he actually snorted at one point while convulsing. (not funny, pal.)

as if the large costumed dog wasn't enough...we then got to go outside and see the K-9 unit, complete with 2 other real live dogs. i love dogs, but animals have the same effect on children as costumed characters...you would've thought i shot pure cane sugar into their asses with a needle before we set foot into the parking lot. they saw the dogs and went NUTS. absolutely crazy. one of the kids was so excited, i thought he was having a seizure. so another police officer then describes that one of the dogs helps chase down criminals, and the other one is a drug finding dog. she pulled out a rubber ball and the drug dog went ape shit trying to get it. she said, "now you see...this ball is filled with drugs, so that's why she wants it so badly. " at that point, with the way my morning was going... i almost straight armed the police officer, grabbed the drug ball and ran for the hills. (however, i'm pretty sure the police officer would've sent the dog after me...and with my large size and condition, i wouldn't have made it more than a few feet without being brutally bitten in the ass cheek.)

included in the canine crazy morning were presentations from an aviation museum curator (who had the children make paper airplanes and fly them around the classroom), a metro bus tour (that included a large ad for condoms on the ceiling...totally appropriate), and a karate demonstration from an instructor (who taught the children how to properly kick and punch each other). needless to say, if i wasn't pregnant...i'd be belly up to the bar with my fellow colleagues laughing about our career day disaster. by 1pm, i had been felt up by a costumed canine, hit in the head by several paper air planes, toured a parked 60 foot metro bus, and was karate chopped by several of my students just because they wanted to demonstrate their skills...all the while trying to maintain composure and control of my class in front of our "guests." so when i start counting down the days until summer vacation...i don't want to hear your shit. i think this day alone serves as a valid reason for wanting a day (or a couple months) off.


"adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas." -paula poundstone