haircut

today i asked my husband if he could pick up ella at the sitter so that i could go get my hair cut after work. i made this decision this morning at like 6am as i went to untangle my mane and a small squirrel appeared in my hairbush. i used to make an appointment every six weeks to go to get it tamed. it's been like at least six months. (at least) it's not that i don't care about how i look, because i do (i think everyone does). it's just that my priorities have changed and my recent side pony has been my go to hair style for a while now. it's easy and it's quick. (two things i enjoy these days) so anyway, i strolled into none other than hair cuttery around 4pm, without an appointment, and waddled up to the desk. all heads turned as i walked through the door, and not due to my super model good looks. i'm large and i was wearing a shirt that could've been made by coleman or ozark trail. (yes, the tent companies.) i mean, there is no hiding my girth at this point, but some shirts (especially black ones) make me look not as large. the shirt i was wearing today was not one of those shirts. (think muumuu.)

the place was dead, there wasn't anyone there but me. (and a slew of hair stylists.) a perky blonde bounced up to the front desk and said, "hiiiiiiiiiiii there!!!!!! howwwww cannnn iiiii hellpppp youuuu!" i felt like saying, "well i'm not here for an oil change sister...i need a damn haircut." i went with, "i need a haircut. i look like sasquatch and i'm about to give birth so i figured i better get it done soon." she giggled. i smiled. "oooookkk! do you have an appooinnnttmennntt?" no. "do you careee who cuts it?" listen blondy, i just walked into an establishment so eloquently named 'hair cuttery' without an appointment and you think i care who cuts my hair?" i should've started doing eenie meenie minie mo around the room for shits and giggles. i said, "how about you, would you like to cut it?" she acted like she won the lottery. "ohhh offf coursee! that would be AWWEEEESOOMMME!" alright...at this point i was like cut the goddamn bullshit, you are going to get a tip...however, i refuse to share your enthusiasm. i'm 9 months pregnant...i haven't slept in 2 weeks, my back hurts, i'll probably have to pee during your cutting extravaganza, i almost aborted the hair cutting mission in exchange for a nap and as long as you don't make me look like a serial killer, i'll be good with whatever style you go with.

she led me back to her chair, i whipped out the side pony and she gasped. (the gasp could've meant a multitude of things...split ends? gray hair? a small rodent was living inside there? i didn't know.) "oooo i didn't realize it was soooo longg!" yes, it's very long. i'm on enough vitamins to rival a small garden of vegetables and i haven't had it cut in half a year. i said, "yeah, it's kinda out of control. you don't have to do anything fancy...just trim it up." she looked disappointed, apparently she was discouraged by my lack of hair enthusiasm. she grimaced. i smiled. she said, "so what are we doing today?" i said dryly.."well i thought i was here for a haircut?" she said, "nooo...like what do you want done? shampoo? cut? dry?" i replied, "oh, well how much does all that cost here?" she's squeaked, "the shampoo and cut is $16 and the blow dry is another $16...so $32 all together." i stared at her. i was sitting there thinking to myself that it used to be nothing for me to drop at least $50 for a haircut, and now $32 was sounding ridiculous to me. i could wrap my brain around the "$16 for shampoo and cut" but was appalled at "$16 to blow hot air onto my head." i went with, "the shampoo and cut will be just fine." another grimace from perky patty.

so as i'm laying back in the sink she starts asking the normal pregnancy questions..."what are you having?" (a girl.) when are you due? (27 days.) do you have other children? (one.) are you done having kids? (yes...i think so.)" then she almost yelled (startling me), "would you like the deep condition for another $10 it will make your hair so shiny and luxurious!?" i think she wanted me to clap my hands and jump out of my chair with joy. i didn't. (and had to keep myself from rolling my eyes.) "nah, i'm good...just the standard shampoo and condition will be fine." another pouty face from blondy. man, i was really raining on her parade. she led me back to her chair with a little less pep in her step. as she was cutting, she was very quiet and so was i. snip, snip, snip...and then all of a sudden"AHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed. (yes, screamed.) i then saw the blood. the girl cut her damn finger and then proceeded to put down her scissors and run out of the room. i sat there for 10 minutes staring at myself in the oversized mirror thinking, "did that really just happen?" (i was actually biting my lip trying not to laugh outloud.) finally, she came back, all bandaged up and was apologizing over and over as she finished cutting my hair. i told her she could stop apologizing and i was just glad she didn't take off a chunk of my ear instead, making me look like evander holyfield. she laughed, but gave me a funny look...i don't think she knew who holyfield was or what the hell i was talking about.

she had me look at my wet hair (no way i'm paying $16 dollars for a damn blow dry) from every angle to make sure i "liked" it. i assured her she did a phenomenal job. (this made her day...i could tell.) she nearly skipped up to the desk, as i waddled behind her. she said, "well, i'm sorry about the finger again...i hope you come back and see me for another cut. here is my card..." she handed over her card. (and as i read it, i had to bite my lip again.) the kicker to this whole story? her name was (drumroll please...) mitzie. (how fitting) i must say that mitzie met her match today...and no worries mitz, i will be back for another cut...in about 6 months. (giving her plenty of time for her finger to heal...and for me to stop laughing about it.)