molester

i was in a rather surly mood this morning because the child inhabiting my uterus woke up about 3am and decided it was a fabulous time to perfect her punching skills. people always ask, "so what exactly does that feel like?" well, it feels exactly like it sounds...imagine that your stomach (the actual organ) grew arms and legs and was moving inside of you. (yeah, it's weird...half the time i feel like i'm reinacting a scene from the movie alien.) judging from the activity of this child, it seems that i had relations with muhammad ali...rather than my husband. in fact, i would not at all be surprised if her arm shot out of my vagina in the middle of the night and punched butch in the testicles. she is that active. i didn't sleep from 3am until the alarm went off at 5:30am. to reiterate, i was surly.

as i climbed out of bed, i saw butch ironing a shirt in our bedroom. (i don't iron...anything. ever. if it's wrinkly, i throw it in the dryer before i put it on and hope for the best.) i didn't have my contacts in yet, so i wasn't quite sure which shirt it was...and to be honest, he could've been ironing the cat, i didn't really care. i went in the bathroom, washed my face, attempted to cover the bags under my eyes with makeup, put in my contacts, and emmerged to find my husband wearing this:

 he could tell by my face that i was in no mood for guessing games. he blurted out, "it's spirit week..for MSA." (MSA stands for Maryland State Assessment, all schools in MD have to do this testing and our funding (amongst other things) depends on our passing it.) in PA, i remember having 'spirit week' during the week of our most important rival football game. so to be clear, in maryland...schools are getting pumped for state testing, while in pennsyltucky, schools are getting pumped for...a football game. (sounds about right.) anyway, i said, "so what day is today? creepy tourist molester day?" he eyeballed me and said, "no, it's clone day!" so you mean to tell me that other bozos in your school are going to dress like you? a whole cloned crew of creepy molester teachers? that sounds like fun. he said, "i'll send you a picture." (please do.)

as i was making breakfast, he sauntered into the kitchen in his hawaiian digs...acting all cool. as he passed me, i caught a whiff of...OLD SPICE cologne!? (this is not the norm, he probably got it free with a coupon) after coughing (and i think i gagged), i said, "really trying to drive home that creepy molester thing, huh?" he just laughed. apparently he wasn't the only one...later in the day, i received this picture:

creepy molester tourist teachers gone wild. if this doesn't pump up kids for state testing, i don't know what will.  (wow.) and one more added tidbit...even though my school is not participating in a spirit week...we are having a pep rally on friday. grades k-2 and all the corresponding teachers will be performing a rap. i don't know which is more "motivating" for students...creepy hawaiian shirt clad molester teachers or a short, pregnant, white lady with no rhythm trying to rap...both seem just a tad 'off'.   agree?