jalapenis

so this past weekend, my husband had a mishap with jalapenos...and his penis. (yes.) before i get into the good stuff, let me explain something...i would say the past coupla months, warren has really stepped up to the plate in regard to doing stuff in and around the house. i don't have to ask him to shit, he just does it. i find this be quite a help, especially cause (as you know) i am in the midst of earning my masters. i think he knows that i am on the brink of losing my mind and doesn't want me to end up in an insane asylum. (sure beats him scratching his sack on the sofa!) so this past sunday, after i had spent four hours writing a paper, i was getting ready for a run when the kids went down for a nap. we had a picnic to attend later that day and he knew i had to make an appetizer to take along. that morning when i had done the grocery shopping, i got the fixins for stuffed jalapeno poppers that are super easy and super good. if you don't like spicy stuff, then don't try it (recipe later). however, i paired it with hummus and pita chips on the same plate...for the faint hearted. (pansies) so anyway, before i left for the run he said, "is there anything i can help you with for the picnic?" i thought about it for a hot second (pun intended) and then said, "yeah, you could halve those jalapenos and scrape out the seeds and ribs." he said okay. before i walked out the door i said, "make sure you wash your hands immediately after you do it so that you don't touch your eyes or some shit!" he said okay.

so flash forward an hour, i come home re-energized from my run and ready to stuff some jalapenos for the picnic. the whole house smelled like the peppers and i realized they were a particularly spicy batch. (yikes.) beforehand, i ran up to get a shower and he was laying on the bed and said (quite salty), "so i forgot to wash my hands right away and i ate some jelly beans after i cut the peppers...MY MOUTH WAS ON FIRE!" (the visual made me lose it.) he went on...that wasn't the worst part, because then i went pee. (oh boy, not the man parts.) "after i was done, i pulled up my pants and thought, woahhhh! that BURRRNSSS!...and realized it was from the peppers." his facial expression was hilarious and i was doubled over. here i am out for a nice jog around the neighborhood and my husband is dealing with...a JALAPENO PECKER?! (priceless.) after i composed myself, he went on to say he then washed his hands with milk. (he searched all knowing google for a remedy...milk was it.) i was afraid to ask if he gave his dick a dairy bath as well, because i had already heard far too much of the story. (quite honestly, i had laughed enough at this point.) the kids were napping and after i showered i laid down for a minute next to him. i instructed him to NOT touch me anywhere...or expect any afternoon delight scenarios. after our last scare with poison ivy in my lady garden, i'm not taking any chances. i'd imagine that jalapeno permeating my lady parts would give me one hell of a problem. (just a hunch.)

luckily his jalapeno penis pain subsided and we all went to the picnic unscathed. days later i said to my husband, "so what did it really feel like?!" he said (and i quote), "like my dick was dipped in a jar of gasoline...and it was then set ablaze." (i couldn't breathe) plus, he puts a whole new meaning to liar, liar pants on fire! (penis on fire?) so if you want to make these appetizers, all you need is 16 jalapenos, 2 containers of croissants, and 1 container of garden vegetable cream cheese. you halve the peppers and croissants, fill them with cream cheese, wrap the pepper in the croissant and pop them in the oven. (please for the love of god WEAR GLOVES.) we are back to normalcy for the most part in our house, i mean, as normal as we get. now that carrie is talking more, she and her sister are having some awesome conversations. i was in the kitchen yesterday and heard ella say, "you have to eat FOOD cause it helps us to run and and run and run and play!" carrie replied, "and POOP!" ella lost her gut laughing. (i was chuckling around the corner.) why are kids always so obsessed with poop? (maybe it's just my kids.) anyways, hopefully we don't have any picnics to attend this weekend. i know one thing for sure, i'm not bringing an appetizer this time if we do. having a husband who is helpful around the house is amazing, especially when a simple task turns into a dick debacle that makes you laugh. jalapeno peckers and poop are headliners for this week...par for the course in our house. party on!

rut

you know what i love? cooking. you know what i hate? cooking on a crazy weeknight. during the winter, i would always spend my sunday barefoot in the kitchen, boiling up some type of savory soup. now that mother nature busted out her blow torch, i haven't really had a hankering for hot liquid as sustenance. my husband has recently joined my healthy eating campaign. (sorta, as you will see) however, when i used to cook up soup on a sunday for dinner, he would say i was starving him. he'd eat it reluctantly and then tell me later that he was still hungry. in regard to weeknight dinners, now that the weather is warmer, i have found that we have fallen into the same rut that we always do. dinner is a grilled meat and a veggie on the side. (like, every night.) this past sunday i was so sick of it that i got onto the google to check out some new recipes. i'm always a little apprehensive to try new things, mainly because warren is very much a simple meat and potato kinda guy. i don't even include my kids into the equation, because they have like 4 food groups and they are as follows: chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, yogurt, fruit snacks. they somehow survive on very little and don't go all judgy on me you "i feed my kids organic foods" moms, because i'm not all judgy on you. (well, only a lil judgy anyway.) my kids try new things every once in a while, but for the most part they live on the same stuff over and over. alas, they are not starving.

anyway, back to my love/hate relationship with cooking...i find that now that i'm a mom, cooking isn't as "relaxing" or "therapeutic" as it once was for me. it seems anytime i am in the kitchen (especially on weeknights), there is some sort of magnetism to me. suddenly, both kids need snacks and drinks...and act as if they don't get it immediately they will meet some sort of untimely death. (like they have a tape worm) i could be making their actual dinner and whining overtakes my eardrums about how "hungry" they are. ("can't you see i'm making you food!"-me) it never fails, if i'm whipping something up...they are in there using my legs as a jungle gym and acting like i am their personal chef (all aboard the toddler pain train, people.) so last week i went through the same routine of making something on the grill, veggie on the side with one kid hanging off my femur like a playground fireman pole and the other trying to reinsert herself in my vagina...and i had HAD it! (had it.) i decided that this week i was going to have dinner all prepared via casserole or crockpot, because i just couldn't take the nonsense anymore. so sunday, instead of soup...i made 3 ready to go dinners for the week. the little one was napping and ella was coming in and out of the kitchen playing a harmonica (HAR-MON-I-CA) that her father bought her (why, butch, WHY?) i turned up the country music and got crackin.

                                                     sweet potato chicken casserole
for monday i made a sweet potato and chicken casserole. i've mentioned before that pretty much follow a paleo way of life, and this casserole follows that theme. it was super easy to make and i threw it into the oven when i got home, served it with a side salad and voila...dinner was done. no frustration, no anger about making snacks. i felt like wonder woman that night, martha stewert style. i will state that i was worried it was going to be too spicy for warren and he stated, "listen, if i'm hungry enough and you put dog shit in front of me...i will eat it." (i knew i married him for a reason.) i give it about a 6 outta 10 stars on the food scale...however, the leftovers were even better the next day for lunch.

                                                           crockpot chicken mole
tuesday's delicacy included a crockpot chicken mole recipe. when i told butch about it he yelled, "HOLY MOLE!" (what a fool) i mentioned that there was dark chocolate in it and he stated, "chocolate on chicken!? that's like putting icing on steak!" (icing on steak.) i served it over cauliflower rice (if you don't know what that is, look it up on the google...it's good!) i served it alongside cut green onions, avocado, and cilantro. during dinner, my husband asked me if there were any carbs in the casserole. i said not really. he then went to the cabinet, rooted around...and found a sleeve of ritz crackers. he threw some on top and crushed them in. mole chicken ala butch. i enjoyed my sans ritz and give it 7 outta 10 stars. sidebar: while getting the fixins together, both kids came down from upstairs...in bathing suits. they told me they were going to the beach (please take me with you, children.)

normal weeknight attire

wednesday is one of the only days i get to workout after work. therefore, i found a sausage and cauliflower casserole that i could have warren toss in the oven for a half hour. i told him what to do in the morning and he looked at me like i had 34 eyeballs. i muttered, "i'll write it down." i kept it simple (1. remove lid 2. turn on oven to 400 degrees 3. put in oven) despite my efforts, when he heard i was coming home to change clothes and run outside instead of going to the gym, he asked if i could just put it in the oven. (men.) also, the dog must've had a hankering for honey nut cheerios, cause she went in the pantry, took out the box, and destroyed it that day. (all over the living room) we had to run out the door to a soccer game that night, so thank god dinner was quick and painless. it was actually really good and butch went back for seconds. he said (and i quote), "it's a keeper." 8 outta 10 stars on the scale.

thursday's meals are always a mess, mainly because i leave butch up to the task of getting it ready. he usually stops at chic fila for he and the kids, and i end up having popcorn and wine at ladies night for dinner. however, when i had a bunch of chicken mole left over i thought, "i can make yummy enchiladas out of this." i picked up some enchilada sauce, whole wheat tortillas, and some 2% shredded cheese. last night i rolled them up and (again) left warren instructions of what to do. (1. pour enchilada sauce over enchiladas 2. top with cheese 3. put in the oven at 325 degrees until hot and bubbly) he looked at it and said, "that's A LOT of work!" (pretty sure just to get me hyper.) i shook my head. this morning i mentioned that he could also cut up some cilantro and avocado to go on top. he screamed, "so much PREP WORK!" (i told him to go to hell.) anyway, when i got home from the gym they were ready and they were delicious. this one was my favorite by far, and it happened by accident. go figure. 10 outta 10 in my book.

as warren stated this week while whipping up egg salad for his lunch, "eating healthy is WORK." (indeed, it is.) not only is work, it's kinda expensive sometimes. he went on to say, "remember when i used to eat those meals that cost a dollar with a coupon and that took a minute in the microwave!?...it was like 60 seconds to fattness." (i died.) the truth is, if you really want to commit to healthier eating habits, you have to want to do it for yourself. furthermore, falling into a rut in regards to dinner can't be a problem that only i face. the meals this week took like an hour tops to prepare on sunday, and made my life so much easier prior to dinner time. i didn't have anyone using my femur like a playground fire man pole, nor children pretending they were famished. also, i didn't feel like a psycho yelling for my offspring to "get out of the kitchen" for the 234 time while i prepared it. simplifying something like dinner can make life so much easier when you are aboard a crazy train. hold on tight and hope it doesn't derail..and keep an extra pack of crackers around if your husband needs a dose of carbohydrates. (just in case.) next week i plan on trying 4 new recipes as well, as to not return to the rut. let's hope they all get as many stars as the ones this week. if not, warren may have to go back to his one dollar minute meals and i'll have to survive on popcorn and wine. either way, my children will probably still be prancing around in bathing suits and acting like they have a tape worm at all hours of the day. winner, winner...that's what's for dinner.

mother

my four year old's teacher asked her why she loves me and these were her responses. i'm pretty sure that the fact that she loves me because i cook her chicken nuggets puts me into the running for mother of the year. (don't you think?) i do similar activities with my students and i am always blown away by the simplicity and purity of their responses. wanna know the number one response in my class to the prompt, "my mom rocks because...?" it was (drum roll please..) my mom rocks because...she knows how to tie shoes. (yes!) so if you have a bun in the oven, you better brush up on your shoe tying skills. the kids in my class deemed this a very important quality for a mother to have. (who knew?) at this stage in the game of motherhood, i've earned a doctorate in dirty diapers and i am currently working on my masters in toddler negotiation. i have an actual college degree, but had a legitimate argument with an unnamed two year old the other night about why she had to brush more than one tooth. that's right folks, she was trying to convince me that she only had to brush ONE. (one tooth!) the next night she tried for TWO teeth. after biting my lip and realizing this was a real conversation i was having, i said, "if you don't brush all of them, they will all fall out." (lies.)  she looked right at me and said, "oh no! otay!" (toddler negotiations 101.)

parenting schools you in the things you never signed up for, by making you participate in the weirdest pseudo classes possible. for example, i was folding laundry on the bed one night last week, while the kids played in the tub. i heard ella yell, "noooo, carrie! those are my bubbles!" carrie yelled back, "mine!" shortly after this ella yelled, "moooommmeeee, carrie is stealing MY bubbles!" (to be clear, they were talking about actual bubbles and not the container of bubbles.) i was standing there thinking, holy balls...are they serious right now? they are fighting over BUBBLES in the tub!? i'm sorry, but no one ever told me i would have to break up a fight over bubbles...that was never included in the manual. i sighed and went in there, looked at them all soaped up and said, "are you SERIOUS!?" they both shook their head yes. (i lose.) i can't even recall how i dissipated the argument, but i'm sure they could tell from my tone that i was in no mood to be a referee in regard to bubbles. several times a day i think, "am i screwing my kids up in some way? like, am i doing this wrong at times?" i know my kids love me, but will they end up turning into serial killers? (i just don't know.)

this past week i was balls deep in graduate work and asked butch if he could take both kids to ella's soccer game last wednesday, so that i could get some work done. the thought totally crossed my mind that if i missed her game, it would trigger serial killer tendencies...but i had so much to get done, and so little time. (story of my life.) so anyway, when they left i got crackalackin on writing a paper and research...when i really just wanted to take a nap. i don't know what drug i was on when i signed up for the "accelerated" grad program, but i'm an idiot. what made me think i could do 6 credits with a full time job and a family? basically, i've been losing my mind. (but whatever, that was really lost about 5 years ago when i gave birth.) anyway, long story long...i got a text from butch about 15 minutes later that said, "oh my god! carrie is crapping her pants!" (i knew he didn't take a diaper.) i didn't respond, but when he came back an hour later...he looked like he just served in the gulf war. his hair was all over his head, his face chalk white, his pupils wide and i said, "what the hell happened!?" he said, "well that was a was NOT FUN! carrie crapped herself, she stinks so bad and then in the middle of the game ella ran off the field holding her crotch and i had to run (runnnn!) to the porta potty and all three of us had to fit in there so that she could go, carrie was touching everything and it was disgusting....! i'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be an early night for this GUY!" i couldn't stop laughing. mom's are born to deal with this nonsense, where it sometimes severely overwhelms men. the whole charade played out in my mind and i lost it. (sorry man!) moms rule, dads drool.

one of the kiddos in my class finished these prompts about her own mother, so i guess when you are five...things really are rainbows and unicorns. i killed the mother's day activity game this year in my class, we did about 234 projects having to do with moms. i loved listening to the kids talk about their moms when they were working. this being said, i have a message for all moms out there: no matter how much you think you are doing things wrong, you are probably doing it right. for me, doing it right means doing what is right for me and my kids. it's easy to judge other moms and question what they are doing for their children, but the kid game is no joke and if you find yourself worrying about what other people think...everyone loses. some people probably think i am somewhat selfish for running and drinking wine. i know this, and guess what? i don't care. if i didn't partake in running and wine, i would be a worse off mother. (trust me on this one.) sometimes, they keep me sane. so i guess what i am saying is...do what works for you and don't have regrets in regard to your kids and you. remember that your kids are most likely seeing rainbows and unicorns, even if you are mentally weathering a storm in the midst of motherhood. basically if you know how to make chicken nuggets, tie shoes, and convince a child to brush more than one tooth...you will make a kick ass mother. rock on moms of the world...today i raise my glass to you. while i'm at it, i'll also raise it to myself...because somehow, i'm surviving the hardest job i've ever had to do.

mother's day 2015

bucketlist

 

it has come to my attention that my 4 year old now has a new past time and it is as follows: she apparently has been taking panty liners out of the basket in the bathroom, unwrapping them...and then sticking them to the bottom of her shoes (awesome, right?). i wasn't made aware of this until yesterday morning when i got a text from fen with the above picture. (fen takes ella to school on fridays) she also had some choice words to share, as did i. i immediately knew that ella had done this by her own hand and told fen to call her out on it. well, the little girl was cracking her own shit up when she found out she was caught. my guess is she thought they were giant stickers and added them to the bottom of her shoes so that she could seamlessly glide across the hardwood and do panty liner pirouettes? who the hell knows, but with 2344 toys in the house...why wouldn't she choose feminine products to play with instead? why wouldn't she. (makes total sense.) upon further inspection i found several other shoes adorned with panty liners and i decided to interrogate her over breakfast this morning. as i crunched into my bacon, i leaned over and said, "so why have you been taking mommy's things out of the bathroom and sticking them on the bottom of your shoes?" she looked like a deer in headlights, as she probably thought her problems were over with fen. she looked at me dead in the eye and said, "carrie did it." (and so it begins.)

i know damn well the little one didn't do it, so we had a courageous conversation about telling the truth at all times...and not getting into my feminine products. i mean, all of the chemicals are out of reach, but i didn't know i would have to hide the pads as well. (things they don't tell you in the parenting books). so anyway, things have been pretty quiet around here lately. not much to write home about. however, warren has been receiving these mysterious packages on the porch for weeks now. pretty much he is the walter white of weightlifting. he's got enough potions and proteins to put schwarzenegger to shame. i recently walked into the pantry to find three big boxes of marathon protein bars. i said, "where the hell did you get these!?" he replied, "ebay. they were 20 bucks TOTAL for 36 bars!...that's like $106 in savings!!" my next question was, "what's the expiration date?" he got all flustered and then yelled from the living room, "wellllll....they are BEST BY june." (like a month from now). i laughed and told him that i hope he violently shits his shorts upon eating them. who the hell buys almost expired protein bars on ebay in bulk and thinks that this is totally normal!? (him.) he has started his game of divvying them out to our friends when they come over. best part is, they are stupid enough to take them...so i hope they shit their shorts as well.

this afternoon i am headed to the land of brotherly love to visit my brother and be a part of the 10 mile broadstreet run. (i'm nervous as hell, people.) i feel physically ready, but mentally not so much. i'd rather sit back and drink a couple (hundred) mimosas tomorrow morning than run like a chubby gazelle down the streets of philadelphia. alas, i'm hoping that this is another thing i can cross of my bucketlist. a few weeks ago i sang a duet during karaoke hour at the local VFW with my mother. neither of us can carry a tune, but were belting out meghan trainor because we were "all about that bass." (oh boy.) i guess that isn't so much bucketlist material, but it sure was fun. both of my children are getting so big so fast, and my uterus continues to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. i go back and forth with wanting another baby, but when i think about all the sleepless nights of a newborn i come back to reality. for now i will continue to make sure my 4 year old stays out of the feminine products, my 2 year old is dressed in her wackiest gear, and hoping my husband stops buying proteins and potions from ebay. warmer weather and sunshine has put the world in a good mood, so get out there and enjoy it. i don't recommend running a marathon or anything, but if you choose to...i have the bars to sustain you during your race. for a good laugh, i'll stand on the sidelines and watch as you shit your shorts? (god speed.) no worries, in less then 24 hours i'll be deep in the bowels of broadstreet...probably doing the same thing. cheers to the finish line, friends...and always laughing along the way.

run

so i don't really let my husband plan many events or trips...mainly only because he just doesn't read the fine print. for example, he got these restaurant.com coupons off of the internet a while ago and he had to choose a restaurant in the area in which to use them. he picked one of our favorites and then another one that was what i like to call a "wild card." i must say i greatly dislike wild cards when it comes to restaurants, cause if we get a sitter and it's a bust...the night feels like a waste. you better believe if we aren't entertaining our offspring for the evening, i want a good meal sans high chairs in a cool place. i tend to stick with the tried and true picks when it comes to these occasions, cause i know what to expect from these places. however, he picked a mexican joint off of a list called "the agave grill" (sounded decent) in our area and about a month ago we got a sitter (my cousin)...and headed out into the sunset. as we approached the place, the first thing i noticed was it was really, really friggen BRIGHT inside. like i'm talking florescent lights to rival my classroom. we walked in and we were the only customers, it was dirty, no one spoke english, and the menu she handed us said, "jennifer's chicken" (huh?) on the front. when you opened the menu, however, it was all mexican food. (what the hell?) when i went to order a margarita and she said they didn't serve booze there...we booked it the hell outta there (no bueno!). so basically when butch plans things he is looking for either a coupon or a good time...one such event this weekend had both. (oh boy!)

a coupla months ago he yelled out from the living room, "i found a groupon for a race...it's a BEER run! wanna do it? it's only 15 bucks a ticket!" we didn't have anything going on this past weekend and it corresponded with my birthday, so i said sure. i didn't really read anything about it, so therefore i didn't decode any fine print. he coerced several of our friends to also do it (cause the groupon was a 4 pack) and fen was one of those people. upon picking up her packet she called us frantically and said, "yo! did you get the beer package, too?! the lady said we can't drink unless we get that." i said no. i asked warren and he acted like he had no idea what i was talking about (cause he didn't.) we got our anheuser busch wrist bands the night before and thought we were good to go. anyways, the next morning fen flew through the door, along with another one of our derelict friends...and we all piled in my car to first drop the kids off at my uncle's and head to the race. that morning ella broke out in some sort of rash (of course) and was complaining about being itchy. the day before, carrie started having an irrational fear of bees. when i say irrational, i mean it came on with no warning and she started behaving like the bees were on earth solely to sting her. (screams galore.) also, EVERY insect to her was a "bee." (from gnat to a big ass bumble bee) so we showed up at my uncles on one of the most beautiful days to date this year and told him about the rash and the irrational fear. he (a funny human being) yelled, "who the hell drops their kids off in this condition!? WHO!?" we laughed and walked out the door. better you than me, buddy. (you raised two kids yourself, you'll be fine...sayonara suckaaaaa!)

i had assumed that the race was somewhere downtown and would be near the water. we all did, except for butch who knew it was at the fairgrounds the whole time. as we pulled in, a massive statue of paul bunyan greeted us and there was beer everywhere. there was also a band. basically, it was like pulling into a concert, nevermind the fact that we were all there to run. as we walked into the fairgrounds, we noticed there were people hanging out all over the place and then someone came on the loudspeaker, we listened to the national anthem, and then they said, "let's tap those kegs!!!!!!!!" (wtf?) we all looked at each other like, "where the hell are we?" and then fen said, "is this real life?" (we all busted out laughing.) i mean, we had all expected to show up and do a physical event, not slam beers like we were at bonnaroo or some shit. anyway, when in rome...the boys had some type of vodka bomb and as the race start time neared, we naturally looked for the starting line. we couldn't find it and when we would ask people they acted like they had no idea what we were talking about. (is this real life.) so there we are hanging out, wearing our bibs, ready to run...and wondering if there really was a run. then, butch produced a map that had 8 craft beer stands along the way. the route was a loop and we had to do three laps. i wondered at this point how it was going to play out? who the hell and runs while drinking heavy beer!? i mean, miller lite mayyyyybe...but dogfish head IPA? (let vomit ensue.)

i had it in my mind from the beginning that i was not stopping at any of the beer stands and would do the 3 or so miles, then partake in the beverages afterwards.  however, i didn't know what the other 5 people in my group were going to do. we all started out and sure enough at the very beer stand, lotsa people stopped and slugged some beer. the course itself was all terrain...like grass, rocks, gravel, and asphalt. (it wasn't easy.) i couldn't help but thinking i was going to see a lot of overturned ankles...and a lot of puke. i plugged along and lost sight of the people in our group. at one point a rickshaw (true story) passed me, transporting people with beers in hand. (nice run!) when i was finished i met up with two of the bone heads, who had stopped at several of the the beer tents...but still beat me. (confidence booster right there!) then shortly after i got a text from fen that said, "warren and i ran the first two laps, now we are just walking along drinking beer." (typical) later, the least athletic of the crew said he, "thought his legs were going to explode (EXPLODE!) after a few steps, so he just did one lap and then went to find some liquor." (yes!) so leave it to butch to find probably one of the only races on the east coast that includes running and craft beer along the way. (AND bought with a coupon.) however, all in all, it was a fun experience...but the whole thing was a little confusing. (still is) the next race (10 miles!) i'm doing is in the city of brotherly love (with my brother), but someone do me a favor...stand on the sidelines and pass me a beer as i shuffle by. i'll need an excuse for this absurdly long one...when i legitimately barf on myself from exhaustion. bottoms up!

quarantined

so i was sitting on my bed working on grad work and my first born saunters in sans shirt and says, "when is this going to turn into a belly button?" i looked up from my computer and she was pointing at her nipple. (come again?) i said, "what?" she repeated, "when is this thing going to turn into a belly button!?" i said, "it will never turn into a belly button. it's a nipple." she implored, "well what will it turn into then?" i said, "a bigger nipple." (at this point i couldn't believe this was an actual conversation i was having.) the littler one was sitting on my bed with me just taking it all in on her imaginary clip board. ella said, "so wait, it's going to turn into a bigger nipple and then i'm going to have BOOBIES like YOU!?" i said yes. she asked, "like when?" i said, "like when you are older!" then she points to the other nipple and says, "so when is THIS ONE going to turn into a belly button." (i was at a breaking point.) i half laughed half yelled, "nipples will never turn into belly buttons! they are two different things entirely! one will never turn into the other. not now, not ever!" she laughed at my tone and skipped out of the room with her sister. (holy shit.) butch was at the gym and i was trying to wrap up what i was writing and from across the hall i could hear them giggling and carrying on. i let it go for a while and then i walked over to see what they were doing. (hopefully not coating each other in desitin or some shit.) this is what i walked into:

i yelped, "you have both been sick all week and now you think it's a good time to wear your bathing suits!?" ella was like, "well we ARE in the HOUSE and the easter bunny brought these for us and i think he would want us to wear them." (touche) about the sickness...my kids have been really, REALLY sick all week. i've said it a hundred times, but there is nothing worse then a sick kid. poor carrie had a fever for five days and then ella started with it on monday. we spent our entire spring "break" taking care of them. fen was choc fulla snarky comments about me being off all week and i wanted to scream, 'OFF!? OFF!? as a parent i am NEVER, EVER off." actually, i was more on this week than other weeks because of their constant care. on easter we were at doctors express and then the ER due to a super high fever that wouldn't quit. followed up by two pediatrician visits and hospital grade antibiotic shots. (dr. cocoa wasn't working.) on one hand, i felt so very terrible for my children. on the other hand, the lack of sleep and 24/7 attention was making both butch and i crazy. we were basically quarantined to our house and we only left to go to the gym. both laverne and shirley went through crying jags throughout the day (and night) and the whining was at an all time high. one morning this week, butch rolled over and said, "spring break? yeah right. remember when i used to go to visit my college roommate for spring break?! i used to go to the BEACH...life is not a beach anymore, life's a BITCH." (i laughed like a little girl.)

thankfully, both of my cherubs are feeling better just in time for a trip to pennsyltucky. both warren and i running in a race...with beer at the finish line. (of course.) butch is in decent shape these days, but isn't much of a runner. he thinks it's going to be "easy"...and i think he is going to "die." i'm trying to be supportive, but holy balls man...you don't run. (should be interesting, to say the least.) my parents have so graciously agreed to watch our children so that we can go out to an adult dinner tonight. at about 6pm they are going to hear slamming doors and squealing tires. (have fun nanny and pappy!) after the week we've had, i will never take my children's health for granted again. i have never seen either of them so sick and it was heartbreaking. we had plans to go to the zoo and the aquarium this week...we went no where. (kids are perpetual monkey wrenches.) parenthood is the scariest 'hood i've ever driven through. it can make you elated one minute and question your decision to procreate the next. it can quarantine you to your house, despite the fact that you don't have to work all week and made master plans to do fun things. it can make you have serious conversation about why your kid's nipple will never turn into a belly button. it can make life feel like a real bitch. but let me tell you, all bullshit aside, it's the very best thing i ever did and i can't imagine my life without them. during bathtime last night, they both asked to wear their bathing suits in the tub. in that moment, butch and i realized...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. bathing suits it is.

barf

rough night, carrie?

there is something insanely humbling that happens when another human vomits on you. it has only occured a few times in my life, one of which being last night. i heard whimpering from across the hall just as i was drifting into dreamland. (kids are awesome with timing.) i sat up and listened a little more, willing god to lay his hands on my two year old and quiet her back down to sleep. (it was that serious.) to my dismay, she then escalated in a way only a two year old can, and screams erupted as if being bellowed through a megaphone. i acted as if my ass was on fire and leaped out of bed like a ninja. when i opened the door, i scooped her up and she proceeded to say between sobs, "belllllly hurrrrrts." (oh balls.) so with carrie clinging to me like a spider monkey, i made my way back to my bed. in the meantime, my husband is suffering from a man cold and hadn't been to work all monday. his mouth was agape and air was spewing out of it like the blow hole of a whale. i settled in with my offspring next to me. she got quiet, but she had what i call "the swallows." you know the moments that happen before you are going to blow chunks and your saliva goes apeshit and you can't stop swallowing? that's the swallows. so i heard her having the swallows and thought, "shit." (that's all i could muster at that hour.)

however, after about 10 minutes, she pointed back to her bedroom and i went over and laid her back down gently in her crib. i hopped back in bed, hopeful that i averted a crisis. but as i slowly drifted back to sleep more screams came from toddlertown. (sweet mary mother of...) so i walked back over and scooped her out of the crib, held her, and rubbed her back. just as i opened my mouth to say, 'i love you'...she leaned back and without much warning LET. LOOSE. (let loose.) the entire contents of her stomach flew up and out of her esophagus like that of a shaken soda bottle. it blew out of her face hole, on and over my shoulder, down my shirt and (my favorite part)...in my mouth. the mouth that was open cause i was saying i love you to her. (if that isn't a kick in the uterus, i don't know what is.) in the glow of her princess nitelight and with the absence of my contacts, i couldn't see much. (turned out to be a good thing.) i gagged a little and ran across her bedroom as she continued to puke over my shoulder and onto her bedroom floor. (it made a splat sound) i forrest gumped it across the hall and into the bathroom leaving a trail of vomit behind me. it looked like a hotel room on spring break morning with the amount of upchuck i left in my wake.

i stood her over the toilet and she acted as if i was getting ready to dip her into a vat of acid. (screams and dramatics galore) i explained that if she had to throw up again, to try to aim it in the toilet instead of on me. simple, right? WRONG. she lost her ever loving mind and with that, warren was awoken from his mighty slumber. he stumbled into the bathroom and stared at me as i was covered in vomit and holding our screaming child. (just stared) i don't know if he thought the two of us snuck out to the local tavern and got hopped on tequila or what, but he looked angry and confused. after more staring than i could take i said, "she's sick"...and shooshed him out of the bathroom. carrie continued to cry despite my condolences, so after changing my shirt...i decided to lay her back in our bed. i rubbed her back and tried to calm her down. motherhood is a powerful thing, cause what other situation in the world would make you want to embrace a person that just puked on you? (i can't think of any.) so i guess i didn't learn my lesson, because the swallows started again in about 10 minutes and she quickly and violently sat up and vomited all over my OTHER shoulder and my other shirt. she also managed to get some in the bed...which left butch bewildered.

so there we were at 3am changing the sheets, staring at one another...no need for words. i must say that this incident comes after a recent discussion of wanting to have another baby. i go back and forth often and in the lieu of a death in the family, i had the 'life's too short' mentality and thought about one more. well wouldn't you know that the powers that be would throw a curve ball at me this week in the form of a stomach bug. after a night of no sleep, i woke up and felt like a walking asshole. carrie eventually fell asleep between us, but mostly on my side of the bed. her cranium was on my windpipe and her feet were gently crushing my spine at one point. i was afraid to move because i didn't want to wake her, so when i "woke up" for the day my body felt like it was legitimately beaten. i thought it was best i call off of work because of the night's events. the first words out of her mouth when she opened her eyes were, "love you, too, mommy." after a big breakfast, she was totally back to normal. i don't know what higher power you all believe in, but i believe whoever it is was kicked back in his throne last night, laughing his ass off at me...nothing like a belly bug and a shower of barf to make you realize you really don't want another baby right now. alas, i will not spend my spring break in cancun next week, but will be shampooing vomit out of carpet. pretty sure the aforementioned events are the best form of birth control one can offer. you're welcome in advance.